Old Emotions/Birth Trauma

[Turkish Kate]

We are happily planning a secret homebirth (because apparently it's illegal here--wtf?), and during my initial meeting with our just-a-friend-not-a-midwife (LOL, aka illegal homebirth midwife) she asked about the details of my daughter's birth. What woman doesn't enjoy telling her birth stories, even after 13 years? Well, while talking about my daughter's hospital birth, it brought up a lot of emotions that I didn't realize were there. Apparently I am still very angry with the way things were handled by the hospital staff and now I'm trying to deal with that--13 years later. Even though it wasn't a horror story by anyone's standards, it was traumatic enough for me to have played it down for so long, only to have it resurface now as we discuss birthing options. I am adamant about not going to the hospital for anything short of "practially dead" and I recognize this as perhaps being somewhat irrational. To top it off, I have started having nightmares about other abusive and traumatic events in my life, and think that all of this is connected somehow. My husband, the psychologist, advises me to let it go and concentrate on the good things to come. My head agrees with him, but there is something in me that doesn't know how to "get over it" and move on.

Can anyone give me some advice on how to process all this? I've talked to DH until he is tired of it, I've cried, I've meditated, I've written, everything I could think of and would advise another mother to do. But it's still there, nagging me. It's like I have this continuous loop playing. Is it just hormones? Will it go away on its own if I quit paying it attention? Or is this something that I really need some help to work through?

Kate

[kathan12904]

Whether or not you might need help is something that really only you can assess. I had a traumatic birth and it took me a lot of time and soul searching to figure it out. You sound like you are on the right track with your journaling etc. I would just suggest this, once you feel like you have processed it enough, really work on letting it all go. Burn papers with symbols or words on them, visualize and meditate, whatever helps. Also, something that a woman who was just at our ICAN meeting did was ask us to think quietly about what "brilliant" think we had done during our birth. What did you do that really made you feel like you were the awesomest mom you could be? Good luck.

[MamaSong]

Have you ever heard of the book Birthing From Within? It is a book that deals with more of the spiritual and emotional side of pregnancy and birth and uses art (drawing/sculpting/etc.)to help you find deeper access into yourself-looking for symbols where words may come up short. It popped into my head as I read your post - maybe helpful?

It sounds like you are on the right track - I think lots of women need to do quite a bit of processing in order to be ready to give birth in such a wonderful(and NATURAL!) way. Good luck Mama!

[desultory]

It's been nearly 13 years for me, and I haven't gotten over my first birth. I think it's partly because it really was horrific and the aftermath was so tragic, but also partly because my 2nd and 3rd, though routine, were also depowering (is that a word?). I think you're doing all the right things -- talking, meditating, writing -- but it takes a lot of time to sort of process all those emotions. I don't think birth trauma is something you neccessarily 'get over' but it does get easier and I think you can get to a place where it's just a past grief and not something that clouds your life. You might find that a better birth helps too -- my 4th was somewhat healing even though I had a planned c/s. fwiw, I don't think you're at all irrational for wanting to avoid the hospital.

[Turkish Kate]

Thanks to you all for letting me know that what I'm going through is fairly normal and that it just takes time. It helps to know that I'm not the only one carrying this around for so long. I just don't want to be dragging this negative energy into the next birth.

Oh, I do have Birthing from Within, and I did read it when I was first pregnant, but we were on vacation so I wasn't able to participate in any of the exercises. Maybe I'll stock up on some art supplies and give it another go. Thanks for the reminder.

Kate

[JanetF]

That continuous loop is post-traumatic stress disorder. BTDT! Caused by a TF to c-sec from a hb no less. It took me two years of actively working on the issues from that birth to heal and then conceive another baby. Feel free to PM me


Try this too:

~ Information from Accessing Artemis ~
Birth and PTSD

If you are very distressed after the birth of a baby, you might be experiencing PTSD – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This pamphlet can help you decide whether or not this may be the case although you really need to discuss your feelings with a counsellor or trusted medical practitioner.

You can receive support and information from Accessing Artemis or Joyous Birth, both online, and in real life.
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/accessingartemis
http://www.joyousbirth.info Australian home birth network – includes private forum for processing birth trauma.

Note: The following information is not intended to serve as a basis for a comprehensive diagnosis of PTSD replacing the need for consultation with an appropriately qualified health professional or other caregiver.
While we have made every effort to be as accurate as possible, the diagnosis of PTSD is the responsibility of an appropriately qualified practitioner. Accordingly, we recommend in the strongest possible terms that people seeking advice on whether they are affected by PTSD should consult an appropriately qualified practitioner.
These symptoms should alert you to possible PTSD:
Experienced an event perceived by the person experiencing it as traumatic
Flashbacks of the event, vivid & sudden memories
Nightmares of the event
Inability to recall an important aspect of the event - psychogenic amnesia
Exaggerated startle response, constantly living on edge
Hyper-arousal, always on guard
Hyper-vigilant, constantly looking around for trouble or stressors
Avoidance of all reminders of the traumatic event
Intense psychological stress at exposure to events that resemble the traumatic event
Physiological reactivity on exposure to events resembling the traumatic event- panic attacks, sweating, palpitations
Fantasies of retaliation
Cynicism and distrust of authority figures and public institutions
Hypersensitivity to injustice

How is PTSD different from PND/PPD?
PTSD may start soon after birth or months or even years later. If left untreated, PTSD does not go away.
PND may start soon after birth or usually within the first 6 months. If left untreated, some women might get better within about 2 years, though for others it might be a life-time experience.
POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER DIAGNOSTIC CRITERIA
In order to diagnose PTSD, the sufferer must fit the following criteria (DSM-IV):
1. The person has experienced, witnessed or was confronted with an event or events that involved actual or threatened death or serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of self or others AND the person's response involved fear, helplessness or horror.
2. The traumatic event is persistently re-experienced in at least one of the following ways:
Recurrent and intrusive distressing recollections of the event.
Recurrent distressing dreams of the event.
Acting or feeling as though the event were recurring (including flashbacks when waking or intoxicated).
Intense psychological stress at exposure to events that symbolise or resemble an aspect of the event.
3. Persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma or numbing of general responsiveness (not present before the event) as indicated by at least three of the following:
Effort to avoid thoughts or feelings associated with the event.
Efforts to avoid activities or situations which arouse recollections of the event.
Inability to recall an important aspect of the event (psychogenic amnesia.)
Markedly diminished interest in significant activities, such as hobby or leisure time activity.
Feeling of detachment or estrangement from others.
Restricted range of affect; eg, inability to experience emotions such as feelings of love.
Sense of a foreshortened future such as not expecting to have a career, more children or a long life.
4. Persistent symptoms of increased arousal (not present before the event) as indicated by at least two of the following:
Difficulty in falling or staying asleep.
Irritability or outbursts of anger.
Difficulty concentrating.
Hypervigilance.
Exaggerated startle response.
Physiological reactivity on exposure to events that resemble an aspect of the event, eg breaking into a sweat or palpitations.
5. B, C, and D must be present for at least one month after the traumatic event.
6. The traumatic event caused clinically significant distress or dysfunction in the individual's social, occupational, and family functioning or in other important areas of functioning.

Cover-up Symptoms
The longer the person has suffered from untreated PTSD, and the more severe the trauma, the more likely the PTSD will be hidden by one or more of these or other cover-up symptoms.
COVER-UP SYMPTOMS
Alcohol and drug abuse
Eating disorders: bulimia nervosa, anorexia nervosa, compulsive eating
Compulsive gambling or compulsive spending
Psychosomatic problems
Homicidal, suicidal or self-mutilating behaviour
Phobias
Panic disorders
Depression or depressive symptoms
Dissociation symptoms
Fainting spells

DISCLAIMER: The materials provided on this pamphlet are for informational purposes and are not intended for use as diagnosis or treatment of PTSD or as a substitute for consulting a caregiver competent to diagnose and recommend treatment for PTSD.

Thanks to Trauma and Birth Stress, NZ for the PTSD information in this pamphlet. http://www.tabs.org.nz

Support and Advocacy and Recovery on the internet
www.birthrites.org
Loads of useful links. Includes info on recovering from traumatic birth. Very empowering. Encouraging of a consumer-type attitude to your health care.

http://www.victoriousbirth.com/index.html
Caesarean and Traumatic Birth Support A site for women who want to truly heal spiritually and emotionally after a difficult birth experience

http://www.eheart.com/cesarean/index.html
A site by, for and about those born by c-sec.

http://www.tabs.org.nz/
New Zealand site on traumatic birth and recovery – PTSD and PND.

http://www.sheilakitzinger.com/Birth%20Crisis.htm
Kitzinger on birth trauma.

http://www.birthlove.com/petition/womens_rights.html
Petition and declaration on the rights of birthing women.

http://www.birthlove.com/
A US site devoted to improving women’s experience in birth. Excellent for birth trauma.

http://www.yoni.com/healerf/templedoor.shtml
Healing the Temple Door – a guided meditation on healing from rape which can also be excellently employed in recovering from birth trauma.

This pamphlet was written by
Janet Fraser for Accessing Artemis.