At my wit's end - violent 16 month old

[^guest^]

So my daughter is 16 months, almost 17, and just about hitting the language explosion. She is getting increasingly violent in her outbursts (I'll note that she's an extremely expressive spirited/high needs child), culminating in tonight's episode. I'm living with my parents right now (seperated from husband, doing vocational training so I can get a decently paying job, yada), and my parents were in bed. DD decided to run into their room and climb on the bed. I went in, took her out of their room, and brought her back to the living room. She exploded, clawing at my face, breaking the skin, drawing blood. Her nails are not at all long.

I'm not only upset at this level of violence in her outbursts, but I am also personally upset because I'm going to a gala presentation at an art museum as a guest to one of the artists. Now I get to go looking like a Fight Club reject. At this point, she doesn't seem to understand even simple things like "hurts mommy" or "makes mommy sad". Either she doesn't get it or she doesn't care. I have no idea what to do which can effectively curb the violence to her tantrums. Nothing seems to work, it just seems to be escalating even though she's becoming more verbal.

What can I do? What does a 16 month old understand? Is she abnormal? Prone to violence? I refuse to be treated like a punching bag. I love her, and I understand that she gets upset, but this feels like it's getting out of hand. I took her to the park today for a good long while to let her burn off energy (as she has it in spades), and it didn't seem to help curb her destructive behavior at all. What am I doing wrong?

[mommy2abigail]

A few things that came to mind while reading your post. You said you had seperated from dh and were now in a different living situation and were going to school. Could it be that all these changes are confusing her, and that could be the reason for acting out? Or another thing is with my dd (17 months) she get frustrated and upset when she cant get something to work or cant communicate what it is that she wants, that's normal. BUT she understands when I say, "Ow, that hurts mama, be gentle" And she strokes my arm or whatever in a gentle way. You said you dont think your dd understands? Could it be that maybe you need to look into that? Maybe she does understand, but lacks the impulse control (they all do at this age) to stop herself? But if she is not showing that she at least comprehends...Does she understand other things? What works with my dd too is to try and head off as much frustration as possible. I tell her exactly what is going to happen, such as when I need to change her diaper. It does help. She understands what I am saying, and can expect what will happen, as opposed to me just picking her up out of nowhere and taking her to the bathroom, yk? I do this with everything. If I am cooking and she wants to be held, I will try to hold her, but if its not possible (like its dangerous) I will squat down and explain to her "DD, I am cooking, and it's hot. I dont want you to get hurt, so I will not pick you up until it is safe. Here are some blocks/books/whatever, I will hold you is one minute" And then I try to finish what I am doing as quickly as possible so that she knows I am true to my word. It has helped so much doing this. SHe can wait now for a minute without losing it. HTH

[LoveBeads]

It sounds like you've got a lot on your plate. You might try teaching her some simple sign language so that she can learn how to express her feelings. It will take some time but if you are persistent with it, she'll get it.

Either she doesn't get it or she doesn't care.

She doesn't get it. You can't expect a 16 month old to care, they don't have that cognitive ability yet. You can't make this personal. Even though you think that the divorce is over her head, she is absolutely feeling the absence of her father and sensing the changes all around her including your stress.

I think taking her to the park was a great idea, too.

[Montessori Mommy]

I agree with the pps. Without language, your DDs only means to express herself are physical. It also sounds like the change in your lives is affecting her: new home, new routines, etc. and will take time to adjust to. I think she'll start expressing herself verbally more soon, but it is also important that she can label her feelings. She may not be able to say "I'm frustrated, or I'm angry" but she understands these feelings. Before my DD had the words for these things, I'd take cues from her body language and reactions and ask her, "Are you feeling angry right now?" she could respond and feel understood without having to act out the emotions. Ask her, "are you upset? do you need a hug? would you like some alone time?" and validate that these feelings are okay. "It's okay to be angry, but we don't hit or bite or scratch, that hurts and it is not nice." and offer her an alternative means to work out these feelings, in a physical way that is not harmful to herself or others, if necessary (crying, playdough, running or dancing to fast music, etc.). Good luck, mama!

[moonpie's_mama]

some might not agree with this because it could be seen to make hitting/scratching/biting/etc. a "habit"... but, when my dd (who is almost 16 mos. and not verbal yet) hits, scratches, bites, i get down to her eye level and say, "it really seems like you're angry! it's not okay to hit me, because it hurts. but if you feel like hitting something, you are more than welcome to come hit this pillow with me. come on, arrrgh!" and then we hit a pillow together, and usually she ends up laughing. she can't talk to me yet, but i really feel like she feels understood, validated when i do this. we hit the pillow, she laughs, we continue with our day. i know she understands some of what i say because she nods if i get it right, and shakes her head if i miss the mark.

i totally agree with the pp who mentioned sign language. at one of the local libraries in my area there is a bi-weekly baby sign language class. if it could fit into your school schedule, you should look into it! my dd has several signs that she uses, and we have only been working on it a little while!

[Wugmama]

Hi Neoma! I remember reading a post from you last year, and haven't seen any from you in a long time. I don't think we frequent the same forums. I remember you were having a difficult time when she was 3 months old. At least you've survived this long, congratulations!

s to you. She is too young to get that she is hurting you, or to really emphasize with anyone else's pain. It will come with time. You are not doing anything wrong. Please do your best to be very gentle with her. I know it is hard when she is hurting you.

This is a great forum to hang out in. I've learned a lot and gotten great support. Hopefully you will too!

~Tracy

[^guest^]

Thanks guys, I really do appreciate it. I had something of an epiphany last night. The stress from moving away from her father (right when they were really starting to bond - but we *are* working things out and he plans to move out to cali with me at the end of the school year), a new environment, and what seems to be most important in her behavior - a severe change in diet. My parents mean well, and my mother is helpful, but my father tends to just give her anything she wants, and pressures me to give her sweets (or simply does so behind my back). I'm starting to think she is extremely sensitive to sugar and high GI foods. I avoided those foods that I intuitively feel changes her behavior, and sure enough, we had a quiet morning with a movie, playing outside, and a nap at a normal time, with no stalling. She just jumped into my lap and laid down, I put her down on the bed and she went right to sleep.

So, with more frequent visits to the park (we're going again today for some picnicing and a good long play session), VERY carefully watching her diet (and my father ), and setting up a play area especially for her, I think I might be on to something. While her behavior can be upsetting for me, I think it upsets her just as much, if not more, to act that way. Sometimes even without prompting from me, she will act out and then immediately come to me for a hug and some reassurance.

Thanks again for your responses

Edit: On a side note, does anyone have any ideas for healing the scratches on my face in time for Sunday's gala? Or hiding them? They still sting and are quite red

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by Neoma

While her behavior can be upsetting for me, I think it upsets her just as much, if not more, to act that way.

Yes, I think you're really onto something here. I always try to stop my child from hurting me, though I know they're fast. I say, "No, I won't let you hurt me and hold their arms or turn them away," especially with my 16 month old, who can't stop himself. I also keep my voice very calm and blame-free, but very serious.

[abac]

Edit: On a side note, does anyone have any ideas for healing the scratches on my face in time for Sunday's gala? Or hiding them? They still sting and are quite red

Breastmilk?

[Jude Rose]

Originally Posted by Neoma

Edit: On a side note, does anyone have any ideas for healing the scratches on my face in time for Sunday's gala? Or hiding them? They still sting and are quite red

Sorry. Probably nothing that will work fast enough. Try this: go outside and pick some plaintain leaves. It's a weed that is just about anywhere unless you're in the desert, it should have it's very disctinctive seed spikes right now. Clean it well and mince it and create a poultice.
plaintain
You can blend it with something sticky like oil or cocoa butter to make it stick to your face. It's an amazing healer.
Another fantastic healing plant is comfrey, and if you have the herb anywhere, apply it wet to your face, maybe even leave it on your face overnight and be amazed in the morn.
Comfrey is actually the more potent of the two I listed, but harder to have at hand. Plaintain is almost always in the backyard.

As for your father, you need to do some serious reprogramming. Men need facts to change their deep beliefs, so dig up as many sugar related children problems as you can and print them in balck and white with bright highlights for the severe reactions. He needs to really understand that he's accidently hurting his GD, not loving her more by giving her what is essentially poison to her system.


Good luck!