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responsibility

post #1 of 5
Thread Starter 
I don't know where this should go....

I have been dating a man for the last years and some. We have a great relationship and he cares about my daughter and me very much.We are at a point now of turning a corner.
He has a lot of questions and concerns about going from single person-hood to instant family/parenthood.
All the regular concerns, what if he wants to go out, social life, having a small person dependant on you, us not having the foundation that a married couple would before they have children, the financial issues. He has fears and worries about making the wrong choice and than if things don't work out what it would do to me and my dd.
So since i don't want to sound like I'm trying to talk him into something that he doesn't want I'm looking for advice and/ or book recommendations about becoming a "father" instantly. We both agree its something that has to be eased into, but we are going on nothing. So I'm here to get some help.:

Any ideas, recommendation? All are welcome.

Thanks as always
post #2 of 5
You should post in "blended families and stepparenting" (or whatever that place is called where I post each night).
post #3 of 5
Moving this to Blended and Step Parenting Families
post #4 of 5
I dont know of any books, but Ill tell you how I handled our situation. I was on your SO's side, so I dont know if this will help at all.

I was 19 when I met my now dh. At the time, his dd was 8 months old and he didnt have her full time. I love his dd (turned 8 in July) like my own, but still different. Its hard because she isnt being brought up with the same values or in the same type of household that we bring up our own kids when she is at her moms. It makes it hard to transition when she comes for the summer or her other school vacations. But Im getting off the subject.

Im assuming you have full custody of your dd here. Going to the "next level" is hard. If you and your SO are committed to making your relationship work and are talking or have talked about marriage (again, I am assuming marriage is not the next level you are referring to), he needs to think hard about the impact this change will have on HIM. Does he want to have a role in parenting? Does your dd get along with and trust him? Does he trust her? If it all works and you get married, is he ready to play a father figure? Are your discipline styles the same?

Another thing that needs to be discussed is what kind of life he wants to have. Does he want to have to option to make a decision at 6PM Friday night to go out with his buddies without having to "okay" it through you?

You both also need to clearly state your intentions in the relationship. Even if you think they are already known, this is a big step and things may be different because of it. Do you have different expectations?

Like I said, Im not sure what the next step is for you. In my situation, the next step was living together. For others, it might be marriage and for others, it might be exclusivity.
There are different things I would say for different situations.

If you want to, feel free to PM me. This is a hard decision to make, I know.
post #5 of 5
A book I did like is called Stepfamiles:
http://www.amazon.com/Stepfamilies-J...e=UTF8&s=books

It talks about different views people have about stepfamillies when they go into it. It talks about the importance of being realistic about your expectations. The successful stepfamiles didn't expect everything to be the same as a nuclear family. The stepparents weren't pretending to be the bioparent. I find that that has been true in our family. When we've been the most honest and clear what our roles are, the family has run smoothest. If I'm acting like dss's "mommy" there is tension, when I am in a more supporting role and acknowledging his mom, things are nicest. Personally, I find it is a little harder for men to take on the role of a stepparent. You would think it would be harder for women since the "mom" role is central in a lot of families, but it seems like men have a harder time being in that supporting role, so anyway, an interesting read.
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