Forced apologies

[Ilaria]

I found out that my son's teacher (AMI certified) made my son apologize to a classmate, AND made him hug her and kiss her. He was extremely upset about this and I am furious.
When I brought it up with the teacher it got even worse: I found out that his classmate was crying because Owen had thrown a pencil at her..BECAUSE she had tried to kiss himand he didn't want any that. (The teacher didn't know at the time what had started it).

Maybe it's cultural (we live in the Phils.) but I'm pretty sure M Montessori wouldn't agree with forced apologies (aka lying). WDYT?

[katydid6]

I'm not sure exactly where I heard/read about this, but isn't there something they do called the "peace rose?" As I recall, it involves the children sitting down together and working out the problem, with each getting a turn and expressing themselves until both of them resolve the problem and are happy with the outcome. Any help here? I would be upset about the forced affection. It's important to learn how to apologize appropriately (Lord knows DH never learned!), but the hugging and kissing seems a little odd.

[ochoco]

Hm. I'm AMI-trained, and I can tell you we NEVER would force a child to hug/kiss, or even touch, another person. Totally violates that child's personal space, assumes that the child doesn't have his own feelings about doing so. So - not following the child, at all! Same with apologies.

Different people have different strategies for conflict resolution - usually something like what katydid6 described. Sometimes I'd offer the "victim" words to use ("You hit me. It hurt. Don't do it again."), but the other child would only be obligated to be there when those words are spoken, not to apologize. We modeled apologies in Grace & Courtesy lessons - when there are no emotions runnig high. (I'm speaking in past tense here because I'm currently staying at home with my infant, not teaching!)

I do agree that forced apologies are meaningless. My training went along these lines. I think it's interesting that the teacher didn't bother to find out what happened before meddling!

[Lillianna]

I agree that forced apologies are counterproductive and especially disagree that it is worthwhile to require a child to hug and kiss someone whom he had offended. What about the person who was hit? Why would you want a person who had just hit you to hug and kiss you? This contradicts the training I received from AMI, too. Like ochoco said, we approach conflict resolution through a variety of strategies including grace and courtesy lessons and stories, songs and poems about great peacemakers. The children are taught to defend themselves with their words (I don't like it when you hit me) and to seek the help of an adult if needed.

[OhTheThinks.....]

A second meeting may be nice for you and the teacher if you feel it is still a burning issue for you and/or our child. It will help to clarify things and also give the teacher the opportunity to see where she might have chosen the wrong approach. Forced affection is definately NOT something that is done in a Montessori classroom. Not sure what her reason for that was, you may want to ask her. She may have gone into "mama mode" as one of my friends call it and trying to make peace/calm and resolution among the kiddos by all means.
We use the Peace Rose, and the kids like having the independece to solve issues on their own. Yes, sometimes they need assistance with words. Most times it is an apology, sometimes they will say to the other, "is there anything I can do to make you feel better", and if they say no, well then that is that, no forced hugs/kisses etc.

[Ilaria]

Thanks so much for your thoughts...I will bring it up again at the next meeting with her (unless there's another incident), I was pretty straightforward and came on pretty strong (but polite) about it, and I don't want to keep harping on it.