When and how to tell? - Page 2

[saratchka]

That's tough. When are you in the clear? My understanding is that the miscarriage rates drop significantly at several points. If you're going to have an early ultrasound (I know lots of women here don't have them, but many do as well) and you see an embryonic heartbeat your risk for miscarriage is very low. Apparently many of the genetic abnormalities that cause miscarriage actually alter development so radically that the heart never starts to beat.

I just did a quick search and snagged this statistic off AmericanBaby.com:

If you make it past week eight and a fetal heart rate is detected, the loss rate drops to about 5 percent.

If you're not having an ultrasound you can wait until you hear a heartbeat with a doppler (again not universally used, but common) or stethescope.

Or you can base your schedule solely on timing. 8 weeks may be a tad liberal while 12 weeks is relatively conservative. Or you can just wait until somebody asks (this depends on how polite your friends/family/coworkers are )

Our plan is to tell immediate family at 8 weeks, but we're going to wait until 12 weeks to tell friends, coworkers, extended family, etc. Then again, I don't know when I'm going to start showing. I know it's supposed to happen sooner the second time around, so it could be before 12 weeks. If people ask after we've seen/heard a heartbeat or after the 8 week mark I won't lie. Until then, I'm reserving the right to fib!

[mataji4]

Hello. I'm new here...also not telling "people" yet (only my sister and my 3 closest friends). And I'm due June 3 or 4th as well as everyone else, it seems!

So after three healthy pregnancies and no miscarriages, I was surprised to find that my husband wanted to keep this pregnancy hush-hush in case "something happens." I have felt his concern as well...i've wondered, isn't it my turn for a miscarriage? But I have had 3 friends miscarry at 16 or 20 weeks as well, so who knows what might happen??!! With the other three we told everyone, our kids included, by 7 weeks. He wants to wait until the end of my first trimester to tell people, but I will surely be showing by then!!

I have a friend who had a miscarriage and is trying to conceive again...she said that this time she would tell everyone early so that if something DID happen, then she would have a wide support network of people who would understand that she was excited and now might need some emotional support too. That makes sense to me.

Ultimately, my understanding husband told me to do what I need to do, for he knows that my reality is so very different as the one who is actually pregnant! Still, the plan is to wait 2 or 3 more weeks, though I just want to freak out every time someone asks me how i am or what's up....!!!!!!

[shockels]

Torio...that sounds rough. I'm sorry the ideas your husband have are making you sad, but I also know how important it is do this crazy pregnancy thing together. Hang in there during this first trimester and tell people when you are both ready.

I agree with saratchka though, that once you have a good strong heartbeat things look brighter! When is your first appt. with midwives/OB's?

[mataji4]

We told our kids this morning when we were all cuddled in bed...my 2 1/2 year old said "Not right now." Within a couple hours, my 5 year old daughter had gathered a bunch of real baby clothes she uses for her dolls and said that they are for the baby. All day she keeps chiming "I can't wait for our baby!" She and my 7 yr old son keep arguing about it being a boy or a girl! I'm glad they know...it's a big relief to feel like we're all on the same page as a family.

Now I have to tell my mother! She loves the grandkids so much- they are her only ones- but she worries for us about money and will probably make some comment about another baby not being responsible...I think I'll let the kids tell her!

[Jilian]

DP wants to tell his mom now I don't want to. I'm nervous about it. I don't think she'll take it bad, but she'll just be shocked because he's her youngest son (even though he's 28). I'm more nervous about telling her that I want a homebirth. I soooo don't want to be there when she finds out :

[saratchka]

Jilian, eek! Good luck with that. I'm dreading telling the ILs about the homebirth, too. They're not going to like it, and I hate arguing with them. And they're going to know it was my idea, even though DH has fully bought in and we'll present a united front. They already think I'm crazy for buying mostly organic food and for disliking plastic/character toys, and for limiting refined sugars, and for not shopping at Wal-Mart... the list could go on forever. Despite DH's support and agreement on most of these issues, they know I came up with the ideas in the first place (DH is a happy-go-lucky sort with few worries and even fewer political stances) and they resent the fact that their son now thinks more like me than like them about these things. Don't get me wrong, they're nice people and I get along pretty well with them, but all this causes tension. And they're not going to believe that homebirth is really safe because that's not what they were taught/told when they were having kids.

Anyhow, that was a very long, drawn-out way of saying that I'm with you on the not wanting to be involved in telling some folks about the homebirth plan.

[mataji4]

Luckily, both my husband and I were born at home, so telling them about planning homebirths was smooth. I can't imagine having to stand up to your parents about your choice to birth at home when they surely will think you are endangering yourself and your child for some selfish whim or something... good luck and stay strong. Hopefully, they don't live in the same town and they won't be a constant bug in your ear.

My husband was brewing a "groaning ale" for me today...I'm sure I won't be drinking in labor, but we can offer it as a celebratory ale afterwards! So while he was brewing, his mother came over. She lives here but has raised 5 kids- the youngest just left for college- and has never been into being a grandmother...just almost never interested in them and it's been hard on my husband to watch. So he told her about the groaning ale and the baby...and she just stayed in her chair and said "oh. congratulations." I wondered if I had heard him right...he must not have told her we were having a baby, she didn't react!!! But that was the extent of it. No questions about when we're due or if we planned it...it was so wierd. I have had a lot of wierd interactions with her, but that one topped them all. Poor sweet husband! After she left, he looked at me and said "I'M excited."

It is hard sometimes to see how people react to the news. With my 1st and
2nd kids it seemed like everyone was excited. But last time and this time, too, people are just like "wow- you're gonna have your hands full" or "woah." It is disappointing when you are so excited and want the shrieking and the hugs!!!

[Laurorama73]

I told my Mom yesterday and she siad, "Oh, how are you going to make it?" Then my SO had the nerve to say, "Good Point." Grrr....

I don't have all the answers, but I do just know we will.

[Jilian]

My mother has known that I intended on having a homebirth with my next child for years now. Yesterday I was visiting her and I guess she forgot because she asked if I would be using the same midwife as my sister (hospital midwife). I said "No, I'm having a homebirth, remember?" She got quiet then started saying she's worried it wasn't safe. She had a stillborn child at 8.5 months pregnant many years ago so she's concerned. The thing is, her stillborn baby was born in a hospital and the baby had passed before she even gave birth to him. There is nothing a hospital could have done.

I really understand my mom's fear, but I refuse to be bullied or scared into birthing at a hospital. I told my mom that if it made her feel better she could be present at the birth - I told her someone needed to help with DS and DS loves her. I'm just scared of her bringing negative energy to the birth.

[turtle81]

Hi all,

This is the conversation for me! I'm due June 8, and I can't wait to tell people. We haven't told anyone, just DH and I know (and all of you wonderful MDC people!) It is my first pregnancy, though, so I want to wait until I know that things are fine. We're planning on telling people in November, when we have a long weekend and can tell DH's family in person. I haven't even told my best friend, and I hope that she won't be hurt that we didn't tell her earlier. The other thing is that my sister is getting married in another country on June 9! So I'm supposed to be the maid of honour, and I don't think I'll be able to go! So it's hard not to tell her, especially. I'm so excited (so is DH) and it's so nice that you guys are, too!

[mamamerle]

I'm hoping we can hold out until Thanksgiving. With a second pregnancy I may pop sooner than I want to!

I had already decided that I want to host the family get-together this year. I'm planning on getting the meal ready then changing into a shirt that says "Oh Baby". Kind of an inside joke since out last name starts with "O". We'll see how long until someone gets it.

[torio]

Thanks to those of you who responded to my question about being in the clear. Funny, I know the medical info but think I just needed someone to listen.

I met with our midwife this past week. She ordered progesterone, HcG and CBC tests. She said my CBC was perfect (yeah!) and the others looked good though she was surprised to see progesterone in the 30s (apparently high for first trimester). We'll know the results of the second test (48 hours later) early this week. Is it possible to have too much progesterone? I haven't been able to find any research that indicates it would be.

Like many of you we're planning to hold out until 12 weeks though I think people will start asking sooner. I've always been relatively thin and even my bb might give it away. On the bright side my DH is totally supportive of my desire for homebirth and the ILs consist of FIL and older SIL without kids so no one has been there to tell me they know more. My own Mom thinks I'm nuts but would never question my choice.

Thanks to everybody who's here. It's great to have company!
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...es/Rainbow.gif
Tori

[em&namama]

Originally Posted by violetisadora

jillian, i hear you. i'm trying to restrain myself but my lip is getting swollen from biting it everytime someone asks me how i am or what's new.
lisa - i totally agree that the kids deserve to know what's going on and i also worry, like NCMom, that once my son knows then EVERYONE (teachers at school, neighbors, guy in the elevator) will know and i just want to try to hold out a little longer.

this is me...can't keep my mouth shut

I still haven't told my kiddos because I had a m/c last time and I feel like I need to be further along then 4 wks 5 days in case things go wrong again but I don't think I am going to last much longer. I've already blabbed it to quite a few people. Yes when the kids find out everyone will know because they will tell the cashiers, strangers anyone who will listen to them for 5 seconds.

[jstar]

i am a BIG MOUTH. lots of people know already. i have no self control :

[Jilian]

Originally Posted by jstar

i am a BIG MOUTH. lots of people know already. i have no self control :

Has anyone told people at work yet? I still haven't told my boss (or anyone else at work). I work at a campus job (I'm taking pre-reqs for nursing right now) so there isn't a worry about being fired or anything like that. My boss is really cool too. I just don't want to bring it up. I think I'll wait until he asks me to lift something that is too heavy and then drop the bomb.

[jstar]

i told my work. i work at a really small company (7 people). one of my coworkers is a good friend and knew we started trying. she told me about her last pregnancy when she was only a day late or so. it would have been too hard to tell her and talk to her about it without everyone finding out anyway. they're all great people & know how early it is, etc. if i lose the pregnancy i'll just have to tell them about that too. my stomach is already starting to stick out and i was standing there later the same day i told my boss and she said 'you DO look pregnant'. it's true. i'm not telling any clients for a while though.

and we told our moms, dads and sisters but aren't telling the extended family for a while yet. we're going home at thanksgiving so maybe we'll tell then.