Originally Posted by sunnysideup
It's a nutural response when you go through something this horrible and beyond all control to try to blame yourself. We do it because it's easier than believing there was no way we could have protected our baby. It's a hard fact to face that sometimes bad stuff happens and there's nothing you can do about it--it's easier to think if I would have just done this or that differently I could have protected my baby.
I know that's true but in my case I really do think there ARE things I could have done differently to prevent it and in fact I almost did. My DH was scheduled to go overseas for a major business obligation he couldn't get out of, a couple days after my due date. Everyone, and I mean, EVERYONE kept assuming I was going to request to be induced before he left. I kept insisting, no, it's bad for the baby, blah blah blah, no inductions, I want to let him come when he's ready even if it means DH misses the birth, I'm not chancing baby's health by forcing him out before he's ready, I want to have a natural birth with midwives and no interventions so it's healthier for baby, less chance of complications, etc. When I went late people were like, your husband is leaving in 2 days, are you REALLY not going to get induced?? Even some of my normally crunchy friends couldn't believe I was being so 'stubborn'. And I still insisted no, I'm waiting for baby to come out when he's ready because that is better for him.
Even though my DH was SO sad about missing the birth he told me it was my choice, he said I'm the one with the mothering instincts, so ask for induction or wait to go naturally, whatever felt right to me and he would be OK with it. So I refused to be induced even at nearly a week late when he left for his trip (of course he changed his flight twice to buy more time and still, I went into labor about 12 hours after he finally left!) I did try castor oil the day before he left and all it did was make me horribly sick for a few hours (and later I found out that there are studies linking use of castor oil to the baby passing meconium in utero which Andrew had tons of, his fluid was all dark green and brown
and he had to be deep-suctioned right after birth, so of course I think that is my fault too for drinking half a bottle of castor oil!
Anyway when I finally did go into labor on my owm, I waited forever to go to the hospital, again thinking that's better for the baby - everyone always says labor as much as you can at home or walk, etc. so you're not stuck in bed on your back with interventions pushed on you, right? So I was in early labor all day and it was Sunday, I went to church with my parents, took the kids to the playground and out to lunch, went shopping to keep walking and keep labor going (OK anyone who knows me IRL is like, yeah, that's you, "hey I'm only in labor, you don't think I'd miss this sale at the mall, do you?" I thought it was funny but now I don't, now I think maybe I was negligent.
The contractions had been coming all day and were regular but not painful yet so I thought I was doing the right thing waiting. Finally when they got more intense and my water broke we went to the hospital. The midwife told me I should have come sooner, that DS was not tolerating labor well, his heart rate was erratic, etc. I didn't even think about that - my first two pregnancies and labors were textbook normal. His heart rate went super low (like 60 I think) and they put me on oxygen, then his heart rate shot way, way high (over 200) when I was pushing and were talking about c-section if he didn't come quickly then which fortunately he did after that. But they hadn't started the abx for gbs in time, I had the dose but it didn't have long enough to work before he was born.
So the bottom line is, all my choices regarding the birth were made trying to do the best thing for my baby, and they all ended up hurting him more.
If I had just listened to everyone and gotten induced a day or two after my due date, I am 99% sure all this would not have happened! There would have been minimal risk to Andrew and I would have been in the hospital from the moment labor started so there would have been plenty of time for multiple doses of abx - they would have started them right when they started pitocin, and chances are very good that all this would not have happened. (And I would not have had to give birth alone!) Heck, even if I hadn't gotten induced but had chosen to go to the hospital earlier in the day once I was in labor, they'd have started the abx sooner and again, chances are he would have been fine. Maybe he wouldn't have gotten in a position where he was compressing his cord (which is why they think his heart rate was so erratic).
So I know it sounds like I'm just blaming myself out of guilt but I honestly do believe that in my case, choices I made contributed directly to DS being sick and in NICU. The other thing with gbs is that because it comes from your body, you almost can't help but feel guilty. My MIL even implied that it's my fault for having it, like it's a friggin STD or something! (Not that someone who has an STD would be to blame either, but YKWIM.) She also implied it was my mw's fault - she is very mainstream medical in all things and kept saying I shouldn't have switched from an OB to a MW.
: I know in my head that 30% of women just happen to be colonized with this bacteria but still, in my heart I feel like, something I have in my body caused him to get sick.
OK sorry for this long rambling post, you all are going to think twice about having invited me to post here