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bio dad vs. step dad

post #1 of 34
Thread Starter 
well im 19 years old, kind of young i know. well i have a boyfriend and him and i live together with my 6 1/2 old daughter. he is WONDERFUL, he is such a great father figure. he and i have been back together sence i was 7 months along, i say back together because we were high school sweet hearts and he was the first guy i said i love you to. i think it was HUGE for a 20 year old man to take on myself a pregnant girl and now my daughter aswell. BUT....yes there is a but, my daughters bio-dad is a well....loser. he is 26 years old and lives with her drunk mother. he has a job, and he has had a job for almost a year or so, but he doesnt help me support my daughter. he got DHS involved and now he gets visits once a week. but what i am looking for is some info. see these DHS pricks say that "kaydence needs a relationship with her father" but i am looking for a professional, that has it documented that it is going to hurt the way my daughter grows up to hear "this is daddy" the man that lives with you and the man that has been here for you ever sence you were born, and than once a week for one hour a week hear, "no IM your daddy" and her relate him to someone that doesnt love mommy or isnt around for me. i just think that this is going to put her in a hard spot. and i belive that if i can find some info that proves these workers wrong i might not have to let him see her. he is a very bad man he threatned to kill us both when i was pregnant....and yet they say that its best for her to be around her.....come on now. so if anyone knows of a professional that has documented his/her views that may be simular to myown, please let me know.
post #2 of 34
I don't expect you will find that. If you have concerns about his safety then try to get his visitation supervised. Otherwise I think it is best for your child to have both parents.
post #3 of 34
If he is not physically hurting your daughter, or breaking any laws while he is with her, or severly hurting her emotionally, he needs to see her. She needs to decide for herself what he is or isn't. Your job is to support her emotionally and help her come to accept him for what he is or isn't. Every kids wants to know their bioparent even if they are loser, or abusive. You are lucky it's just once a week. And, you never know what might happen. My dh was hidden from his father as a child, and now that "loser" is a pretty nice, stable guy with a family, etc, and dh has NO relationship with him. Sure, we see him, but they have no real bond. Dh's mom regrets that.
post #4 of 34
I would definately find a way to get his visitation supervised if you fear for you child's safety.
post #5 of 34
OK, I just saw a few things in your post I wanted to talk about. If the bio dad is not helping you out financially, then I take that to mean he pays no child support. If that is the case, then he should not be having visitation. If he wants visitation you all need to go to court and figure this out with child support and all that stuff. Next, if you are 19 and the bio dad is 26 and the child is 6.5, then that means that you were 12 or 13 when a 20 year old man had sex with you. That is rape. I don't know the entire story here, but I wouldn't let my child have any visits that were unsupervised with a rapist/sex offender/child abuser (which is what he is if he did that to you). Any lawyer should be glad to take this case to get things the way that would be best for your child. The last thing I wanted to say is that the biodad is your childs father, even if he is a creep and a loser and a rapist/sex offender/child abuser. You can't change that unless he relinquishes his rights as a parent to get out of child support or something. But, your child can choose not to call him daddy and to call your boyfriend daddy insteead. You just can't deny the fact that this other guy is the "real" father. My heart goes out to you, this sounds like a pretty difficult situation to be in. I am so glad you have your boyfriend who has been there for you and your child throughout all of this.
post #6 of 34
You indeed need to go to court. The first thing I'd do is go to the child support office or an attorney and get an order for child support. The court would be the best place to go if you can afford it. The child support office will serve him with the order for child support and regardless of whether he is employed or not he will be required to pay it. Should he get behind on his payments you can take him to court for the back child support. I believe he has to be in arrears by at least $1,000 to do this. A court will also serve him with a child support order and which will work the same way except if you go through the court and he doesn't visit the child or pay support for a year his visitation rights can be stripped from him unless he proves he is making an effort to pay the back support and visit his daughter.

However, unless you can prove he is unfit or is a danger to you or your child the judge is going to say that it is in the best interest of the child to have a loving relationship with both bio parents.
post #7 of 34
You were pregnant at age 11 (since your daughter was born when you were 12 1/2, one assumes you were pregnant at age 11)?

Your username is interesting... MILF means "mother I'd love to f****." Are you sure you're not a troll? If you are not I will do the greatest mea culpa MDC has ever seen, but ladies I think you need to think twice before taking this one seriously.
post #8 of 34
I agree that since it was a first post, the idea of troll did come to mind, but it's not an outrageous post. So, who knows?
post #9 of 34
I tend to think troll, too - but when I was 19, I may have named myself MILF, too :

If the post is genuine - I have 2 pieces of advise -

1. get a child support order, seriously, right now. If he wants visitation and the title "daddy", then he needs to be contributing, both financially and emotionally.

2. if you feel that having a relationship with bio-dad isn't in the best interest of your child (and there are those of us who have made that determination for ourselves, I won't go into that because it's a DEEPLY personal decision) - you need to do it legally, which means get a lawyer, don't try to go through DSHS, they aren't in a position to help you with that.

Good luck, I hope you find the right answer (or, in the case of a troll - you know the drill )
post #10 of 34
Just fwiw, I think she meant her daughter is 6.5 MONTHS old but left that out. At least, that's what I got after re-reading it.

(Oh, and thank goodness someone finally spelled out what MILF means to me, I've been wondering that for quite sometime!!)

As for your situation...first, if he wants to play, he should have to pay. If he's motivated to have a role in your daughters life, that is actually a good thing, though I know it can be hard to take considering he abandonned you while pregnant. If he's dangerous, that's another story...did you report his threats? Can you get any sort of violence evaluation done, challenge his substance use (even alcohol can be a problem if he abuses it), or in some way protect your daughter through procedural safeguards? Are his visits supervised right now?

As for the issue of step-dad v. bio-dad...you'll never be able to control what he says to her, just do damage control afterwards. Frustrating, I know But I'd try to present to your daughter, once she becomes old enough to realize it, that a person can have two daddies, and that each brings her certain wonderful things. Her biodad might connect her to inborn abilities, family, a change of pace, etc., whereas her stepdad gives her security, stability, a true strong relationship. Overall, if your ex manages to straighten his act out and wants to truly be involved, she'll be blessed with having more than one loving father, which is a great thing!
post #11 of 34
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jster View Post
Just fwiw, I think she meant her daughter is 6.5 MONTHS old but left that out. At least, that's what I got after re-reading it.
Oh! 6.5 months! I feel a lot better now. Maybe the bio dad is not so scummy.
post #12 of 34
Nah, he's still a deadbeat loser.

Personally, I'd find a good lawyer
post #13 of 34
You've gotten some misinformation here MILF -
Visitiation rights and child support are two separate legal issues. The courts will not strip the bio father of visitation rights for non-payment of child support. In fact, it is illegal for you to deny visits based on child support payments. You can however pursue child support, including back payments. Civil courts generally have child support enforcement units and will help you for little or no cost. They will garnish wages, defer any tax refunds to you, etc. They will not suspend visiting priviledges though unless you can prove he is harming your child during the visits. Go to the civil court website for your state and start with the child support issue - you deserve to have some financial help raising this child. Good luck.
post #14 of 34
I don't think anyone was saying CS and visitation were legally linked - but that IF he's requesting visitation, then she should definitely be getting some support in the form of CS.

I suggest you lurk around a little on this forum. We all know you can't withhold visitation for lack of payment.

You can, however, withhold unsupervised visitation until paternity has been legally established, which I would SERIOUSLY recommend if you have any doubts about the safety of your child whith this man.
post #15 of 34
Quote:
IF he's requesting visitation, then she should definitely be getting some support in the form of CS.
Absolutely!!

But, sadly, sometimes you dont get both. And it would be wrong to deny access if theres no c/s coming. A child deserves to know both parents, regardless of money. (of course, assuming theres not a danger issue)

Bio vs step? I dont think you can compare the two or make a choice. The more parents a kid has the better. She doesnt have to choose and I dont think it would hard on her. She has 2 dads instead of one - or instead of none.
post #16 of 34
Quote:
Originally Posted by 13Sandals View Post
You've gotten some misinformation here MILF -
Visitiation rights and child support are two separate legal issues. The courts will not strip the bio father of visitation rights for non-payment of child support. In fact, it is illegal for you to deny visits based on child support payments. You can however pursue child support, including back payments. Civil courts generally have child support enforcement units and will help you for little or no cost. They will garnish wages, defer any tax refunds to you, etc. They will not suspend visiting priviledges though unless you can prove he is harming your child during the visits. Go to the civil court website for your state and start with the child support issue - you deserve to have some financial help raising this child. Good luck.
I just got out of court and yes they will strip him of his visitation rights if there is an order for support in place and he doesn't pay or visit the child for 1 full year. It is fact. You can't just stop allowing him visitation though. Once he's missed a full year of support or a full year of visitations then you have to go to court with evidence to have his visitation rights stripped from him. Even if his visitation rights are stripped from him he will still be responsible for child support.
post #17 of 34
Quote:
Originally Posted by Illyana View Post
I just got out of court and yes they will strip him of his visitation rights if there is an order for support in place and he doesn't pay or visit the child for 1 full year. It is fact. You can't just stop allowing him visitation though. Once he's missed a full year of support or a full year of visitations then you have to go to court with evidence to have his visitation rights stripped from him. Even if his visitation rights are stripped from him he will still be responsible for child support.

But he is doing visitation.

I hope it is 6.5 months, because if not, then the boyfriend was 20 when he "took on" a pregnant 12 yo? (not just the bio dad, the boyfriend, too).
post #18 of 34
Quote:
Originally Posted by Flor View Post
But he is doing visitation.

I hope it is 6.5 months, because if not, then the boyfriend was 20 when he "took on" a pregnant 12 yo? (not just the bio dad, the boyfriend, too).
It's either or. Not both. You have to have an order in place first. Then, if he doesn't pay support for 1 full year OR doesn't visit the child for 1 full year then the visitation rights can be stripped from him by going to court and showing evidence that he has not paid support for 1 full year OR hasn't seen the child for 1 full year. His visitation rights will remain stripped until he provides proof to the judge who stripped him of his rights that he is paying the back support AND is attempting to visit the child.

I'm pretty sure she meant 6.5 months.
post #19 of 34
Ilyana, is that true everywhere? We were told that after a year of no contact, parental rights could be terminated but that the definition of "contact" was really broad and included: vistation, child support, phone calls, an active court case, or about a million other things.

Are we talking about 2 different things? Here, if you don't pay, you can go to jail. I haven't heard of stripping vistation rights.
post #20 of 34
I'd be interested, too.
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