Promiscuious teen, help!

[Montessori Mommy]

My little and only sister is 16 she's been having a lot of growing pains this last year or so. I can remember being that age, and I know that girls are curious about sex...but...sex is starting to ruin her life. Things got bad around xmas of last year. My mom caught her sending some nude photos of herself to a guy that was 22 years old. This guy was sending back nude pics of himself to her, and inviting her to sneak out with him. As far as we know, they never actually met up. This situation led to her being expelled from (private) school, for having a myspace that had a lot of questionable content on it. She got her first job over the summer, and it was a good thing, she was keeping busy and seemed to enjoy it. She also met a man, again, 21 or older, who worked at the store next door. She lost her virginity to this guy, and called me up crying because he was moving away to be with another girl, 15 years old, that he got pregnant!!! Now my mom has caught her again, on the internet, having sexually explicit conversations with ANOTHER guy, obviously an adult as he kept asking her when she would be "legal". I've had safe sex talks with her, and tried to talk to her about her worth as a woman. Like many teens who know it all, I don't think it sinks in.

Our mother, whom she lives with, is undiagnosed with borderline personality disorder. It is absolute chaos living with momster, I wish my sister didn't live with her, but she *wants* to because mom lets her do whatever she wants, but momster verbally and emotionally abuses her daily. She withholds love and affection and plays very dangerous get even kind of games with my sister. From my perspective, my sister is a hurt love starved little girl, looking for anyone, by any means, to pay her some attention. I'm here for her, but obviously, she's trying to fill some kind of void from my parents, and I am not them. She has no respect for her body and I fear she will end up getting raped, pregnant, STD, or worse if she keeps up this pace. She's too embarassed to talk about sex, and I just don't know what is going on in her head. Anyone have insight???

[PoppyMama]

Are there any sex poz community education programs in your area? You could contact a GLBT resource center because they generally have more sex poz resources. She might listen to strangers who weren't saying sex is bad more than she will listen to her family because she probably feels judged. It's her body and if she wants to have sex she will so some safety education would be good. The internet thing is just bad. Too bad your mom won't get rid of it. She needs to meet some people closer to her own age.

[mama2toomany]

I didn't want to read and not reply. I was married at 16... to a 23 yr old... and have no regrets. I am sorry she is scareing you... and sorry her home life isn't the best situation.

All you can do is offer support. If she thinks you are trying to hold her back from doing what she wants it could get worse. All you can really do is hug her threw the bad times and encourage her to do what is best for her.

[sunnysideup]

From my perspective, my sister is a hurt love starved little girl, looking for anyone, by any means, to pay her some attention.

The best thing you could do is to help fill this void in your sister's life. Be her friend. Find a hobby or some volunteer work you could do together. Teens that find something to be passionate about--that they can gain self-esteem and a sense of identity from--are less likely to engage in self-destructive behavior.

[Montessori Mommy]

I was married at 16... to a 23 yr old... and have no regrets.

This is not the issue at all. Things would be much different if it were obvious that she was having a relationship with someone who happened to be older. A guy that took the time to get to know her and really cared about her. Sex is not even really the issue either. Responsible safe sex, and loving oneself is the issue. It's obvious to everyone but her that these men are after one thing, and one thing only. She is allowing them to use her. She is not showing respect for her body or her mental well being. She is confusing sex with love or sex with having worth, and THAT is the issue.

I am supporting her as best I can, and being there for her. I would love for her to join a group or do *something* anything, but she refuses. She has low self esteem and not in a position to help herself at this moment. I can't do much about that, I'm just trying to keep her safe. I just wish I knew what was going on in her head.

[magemom]

From my perspective, my sister is a hurt love starved little girl, looking for anyone, by any means, to pay her some attention.

mama, you are right on here. not everyone at 16 having sex is like this, but based on the other things in your post, it is your sister.

are there things you can do together? others you can involve? education is imperitive.

she may not like it, but if possible, she needs to not be living with the momster.

[GoodWillHunter]

Originally Posted by Montessori Mommy

. She is not showing respect for her body or her mental well being. She is confusing sex with love or sex with having worth, and THAT is the issue.

If I may ask, where is y'all's dad in all of this?

I was your sister at 16. I continued this self destructive behavior until I got pregnant with my first child at 22.

She needs someone to love her. To love her with all her flaws/faults (perceived or no). Unconditionally LOVE her. Not preach. She needs a safe place to land, so to speak. Living with your mother sounds awful, and your sister is very much a victim here. If she is constantly told no one loves you, you're not worth sh*t, then that is what she believes.

I confused sex with self worth and it made me feel good that I could bring a guy to his knees, but they never stayed. They never cared. And that's what's happening to your sister. I wish I could hold her and just let her know that *I* care and I don't even know her.

I'm not sure what help I'm offering other than you need to be there for her, make what you can available. Love her. Don't criticise (not that you are). Just love her. She needs that desperately. And she's acting the only way she knows how.

[Montessori Mommy]

*THANK YOU GOODWILL* :

It's nice to hear from someone who's been in her shoes.

Our dad is in the picture, but he's the overbearing "my way or the highway" "do as I say, not as I do" kind of guy. His parenting is very hands off. He's around when lectures need to be given, but nowhere to be found when one needs a self esteem boost. His love is conditional, if you cross him, you're on his bad side pretty much forever. My mom claims to love unconditionally, and likes to make herself out to be a martyr, but this is mixed with fits of rage and name calling, "fat" "whore" "lazy" etc. *very destructive*

I do love my sister unconditionally, and my home is her safe haven. We do have a large age gap, and that is hard for me sometimes, my parents turn to me when they don't know what to do. I have to remind them I am not her parent, and she is always welcome in my home, but I'm not here to lecture/punish her, and I won't. I have had the safe sex talk with her over and over (even before this activity), I bought her some books about teen sexuality and I'm sure it's in one ear and out the other, but I feel like she needs to know that information and my parents don't talk to her about it, and her school is ultra ultra baptist and preach no sex before marriage. : The bottom line is, I cannot give her what she doesn't get from my parents. I love her, yes, but it doesn't fill the void, she wants her mama and her daddy, and I can't make up for that. It hurts to watch it happen. Thanks for listening!

[Cherie2]

sibling parents

I was often in a position to parent my younger siblings (I was much younger but had already left home) and I too have a daughter (she is 17) who was quite promiscuous starting at age 14. I don't have any real advice except to encourage you to just keep trudging along. I don't know why we are put in the situations we are put in.. to learn a lesson? to be there at the right time for somebody else? what ever the reason is, somewhere inside myself I know it is for a good reason and I just have to keep the faith that if I keep trying my best things will work out. I wish you strength . Continue to love her, with out judgment, and be there for her. My daughter thought she had my sister as a confidant and friend, an adult she could trust .. but my sisters inability to follow thru (puts her off, reschedules dates etc.) has really disappointed my daughter and she no longer trusts or confides in her. It is very sad.

[mata]

how heartbreaking-I'm so glad she has such a wonderful sister. Honestly, it sounds like you're doing all you can for her-the rest is up to her. I truly will be hoping the message gets through to her very soon-you just hate to see a young woman go through that. I've seen it a lot in my day, and went through my own brand of self-degrading behavior-and if this is at all encouraging, most that I've known, including myself have come to that realization and learn to love themselves instead of seeking that external validation. It's unfortunate, but it's just part of some women's paths. Take comfort in knowing she will emerge-sometimes we need to sink to a low in order to rise.

[dewi]

Take her for birth control. She is having sex, no one approves of it, but she is still having unsafe sex, she needs birth control for herself..

Your sister sounds like she desperately needs to get out of your parents home. What are her options? How do you feel about her living in your home to finish High School? A boarding school is a fabulous option.

[Montessori Mommy]

She is on BC, unfortunately, she is not responsible enough to take it everyday. She misses and forgets pills all the time. She has always had the option to move in with my family. My girls are 3 and 4, so shes not too keen on them being around all the time to annoy her. She wants to live with momster because she gets to make her own rules there. She does whatever she wants and stays up to 3 or 4 in the morning on the internet, skips school a lot, etc. I don't think I can help her, she's not ready for help. I'm just here when she needs me and I try to get across the safe sex message as often as I can. It's just hard watching her go thru it. :

[Arduinna]

I don't know. I have been your sister (minus the assumption of not having respect for my/her body) and I've been in your place with my much younger sister.

Yes she needs a better living situation. But you can't force her to live with you. And from personal experience older sisters that act like moms to younger sisters often get treated like mom. I know mine wouldn't talk to me about BC even though I offered to take her ect. And I was assumed to be old and fuddy dudy. I actually didn't have an issue with her having sex, I just wanted her to use BC. She turned out fine though.

As far as her being judged due to not being in a relationship, ones self worth is not specifically associated with only having sex in a relationship or having kinky sex or sex with multiple partners. Maybe she is enjoying herself?

I had a LTR with a 22 year old when I was 16 and I also was deemed a slut by society for having an active sex life. And while my home life sucked, I had alot of self worth and no regrets. The two do not automatically go hand in hand.

[KrystalC]

I was also a promiscuous teen, and there are any number of reasons girls start to sleep around, etc. Sure, it could be a lack of self-worth, or lack of respect for her body, rebellion, love-seeking, etc., but as Arduinna said, she could just be enjoying herself. For me it was a combination of the two. I enjoyed sex with no strings attached, but at the same time, I was looking for something deeper than that. However, any time a guy started to seem serious, I dropped him like a hot potato. I was very hot and cold until I met my husband.

I was also on BC and used condoms every single time I had sex. I can totally understand your concerns for your sister in all regards, but I think this is the biggest issue you've mentioned. Birth control is great, but teen pregnancy isn't the biggest threat to your sister with a promiscuous lifestyle... HIV is a much bigger concern! Furthermore, if she's embarrassed to talk about sex with an "authority figure", how likely is it that she'll see a doctor if she notices odd symptoms that could indicate an STD? She needs to be making sure these guys use condoms EVERY SINGLE TIME they have sex, and also being aware that condoms are not 100% effective. Bad things CAN happen! That's what would worry me... not the fact that she's having sex, but the fact that she's being irresponsible about it.

I wish I had some advice to give, but the only thing I can suggest is being there for her and trying to make her see that you're NOT trying to be her mother. You're trying to be her sister... and her friend.

[Montessori Mommy]

assumption of not having respect for my/her body

I consider it a lack of respect for your body to have unprotected sex with people you hardly know. I think it is a loud and clear statement of "i don't love myself enough to protect my body." Some of the STDs cannot be cured. Then she is faced with telling future partners she has them, and possibly losing them because of that fact. Then she is faced with, if and when she decides to have children, she must have a partner with the same disease, or one who wouldn't mind being exposed to it. She could also lose the choice for VB because a C-section might me necessary to protect her child from contracting that disease. I don't think teens often think ahead like this, or they think "that would never happen to me." Maybe she is having fun, but I know she's been hurt by one of these men, who lied to her, left her, and bragged to all of her coworkers that he had sex with her.

As far as her being judged due to not being in a relationship, ones self worth is not specifically associated with only having sex in a relationship or having kinky sex or sex with multiple partners.

That's all well and good, for an adult to make these decisions. She is 16 years old. Sex is not just fun and games. Sex is something that carries with it great responsibility, and IMO if you are not able or willing to handle those responsibilites, you shouldn't be having sex. Not to mention that fact that it is illegal for an adult to have sex with a minor in our state.

And I was assumed to be old and fuddy dudy.

yep, me too! she does confide in me on many things, tho, she is pretty embarassed when it comes to sex. She came to me when she wanted BC, so that's good at least.

And while my home life sucked, I had alot of self worth and no regrets. The two do not automatically go hand in hand.

agreed, but in her case, lots of self esteem issues. She thinks she is fat and ugly, and wonders out loud why any guy would look at her or want to get to know her (she is slender, tall, and stunningly beautiful). Both of my parents add to this, they are big on shaming and name calling. She has *zero* friends, none, not one, unless you count people online that she's never met. This has a lot to do with momster as well, while she can do whatever she wants at home, momster is overbearing and overprotective, doesn't let her go out with friends, even play outside, because she works late. When momster is home, she's either sleeping or raging. It's a sad, sad, situation.

However, any time a guy started to seem serious, I dropped him like a hot potato.

I had a good friend just like this in HS/early 20s. In sisters case, I think she wants them to stick around, but she seems to be mainly attracted to jerks. That much I can relate too, when I was her age, if there was a jerk in a 10 mile radius, there's the guy for me! : SO glad I grew out of that before I got married!!!

It's concerning that she's going for these guys, older guys, on the internet. Who knows what their intentions are, or if they are who they say they are. It's a whole different ballgame. We had a little girl, 14, murdered in our neighborhood 3 years ago after meeting someone off the internet. She's just at that age, you can't tell her anything because she already knows everything.

[Arduinna]

I consider it a lack of respect for your body to have unprotected sex with people you hardly know

that is fine for you, but it's arrogant to assume that your view applies to everyone

I think it is a loud and clear statement of "i don't love myself enough to protect my body."

Absinance is not the only way to protect ones self from STD.

anyway I'm not going to continue down the line and address each thing you posted but those stood out.


If you want to have an open communication with a teen it helps if they don't feel they are sure to be judged.

[Ruthla]

Does she use condoms? Would she be more likely to use them if somebody else bought them for her?

[Montessori Mommy]

that is fine for you, but it's arrogant to assume that your view applies to everyone

i do not assume that it applies to everyone.

Absinance is not the only way to protect ones self from STD

Exactly, that's why I've tried to educate her about safe sex and using condoms. Just because I think she has no business having sex if she's going to be irresponsible, I'm not naive, I know she'll probably do it anyway. I want her to be safe from diseases, pregnancies, and people with bad intentions.

I feel like you're missing my point here, i am not here to judge her or make her fit into my value system, i am concerned for my sisters safety and well being.

Ruthla,

No, the 2 times she's had sex (that I've known of), she hasn't used a condom. She gave me the list of reasons why not, she didn't have one, he didn't have one. I told her she needs to *insist* on condoms and if her parnter wants to have sex, those are the terms and he will go buy some. I offered to buy some for her, she declined, she says momster will find them. Momster wouldn't like finding them, but I know she would not take them away, she would want her to be safe too. She is also very easily influenced, I wouldn't be surprised if a guy used the standard lines on her "it doesn't feel the same, I can't use condoms, I'm allergic, blah blah" that she would cave.

I was talking with my girlfriend about this subject, and she told me when she was in high school, she asked her guy if he had any condoms and he replied "it's okay, you don't *look* like you have anything!"

[dewi]

Dear Montessori mom,
I'm glad to read she is on birth control. Condom use would be ideal.

I am a mother of a healthy teenager doing age appropriate socializing and with boys her own age. So I see this very differently then then some of younger posters who were behaving in a similar way as your sister at 16. As a responsible adult I see that this situation is not okay in any fashion. An adult (a parent) needs to step in to help. Your sister is an emotionally lost troubled child with no parental guidance at home. I hear your panic and wounded heart. Your sister does need an intervention by some loving adult to help her, if your parents are incapable to do this for her maybe you can do it.

Tell your parents they should be calling the police on these men, those grown men are predators. In some states a 16 yr old girl cannot give consent to have sex with men over 18 or 21. It is a crime. Check your state laws. It is statutory rape in many states and these men who prey on teens like your sister should be arrested.

Where would you start without your parents support. She needs professional therapeutic counseling beside your loving tender concern. If she is unwilling to get help, you have to impress upon your parents they have to do something. It is so heartbreaking to know she is spiraling out of control and her parents do not choose to intervene or facilitate getting her counseling or help...

Look at his website I read abouthem in the New york Times and some press releases. See if your family will qualify to receive financial assistance in placing your sister in a boarding school for emotionally troubled teens. I think getting her out of your parent's home and the community is the first logical step to help your sister healing and becoming emotionally whole so she does not need these grown men to validate her troubled self-image. http://www.savingteens.org/challenge.html

[SleeplessMommy]

If her parents take away the Internet, maybe she will hang out with yonger "local" guys, not older predators. (If they ask "when will you be legal" that makes them a predator in my book)

Boarding school sounds nice. Or living with any other relative...