Yelling - Page 4

[hapymom]

my grandma yelled a lot, and that forced my mom to almost never yell, she was very laid back really, but did get mean, sometimes, and instead of yelling, she'd give the silent treatment....ugh.

I hope I don't yell too much as dd grows up

[mommyto3girls]

Originally Posted by melimel

This is a wonderful thread!

We have a son and I do think (this might sound a bit sexist) that generally speaking, mothers to sons have a greater challenge. For example, our son climbs on everything (which is often dangerous), and is also highly independent (a great quality, though a bit scary when he tries to run off -- he's very fast!). Generally, he is much more physically active than most girls his age.

When I read the posts from Moms who write that they cannot understand why/how a Mom would yell, it seems these are the moms with girls only. (most likely why they are unable to understand.) Not to say that these Moms would yell if they had boys! It's just that generally speaking, girls tend to be a bit more calm. (I hope I do not get anyone upset with this comment. I don't mean to!)

I know you put the qualifiers in there, but I do think this is off base. I have seen how boys seem to get rowdier in groups, but I think that has alot to do with social expectations. However, I really believe what you are talking about is individual temperment. This rambunctious behavior may be squashed at a younger age in girls because it is not considered "socially acceptable" My almost 4 year old can hang with the best of them. She runs and hollers and climbs trees, and jumps off of railings, plays sports with the boys, etc. On the flip side our friends so is the one wanting to do puzzles, play board games, etc

I think it really depends on the child and the parent's expectations and attempts to conform to social norms.

[mackysmama]

Originally Posted by momster

So, what non-yelling ways do you all have of getting your family's attention? Try to be specific in answering so we mamas can learn best.

Well, I can't claim to be an expert because yelling is my instinct and I work very hard to fight it. What works for me to get my son's attention is to whisper. It also helps me because it lets me do something different than just repeating the same request over and over and getting frustrated to the point of yelling. When I feel myself getting frustrated, I whisper and just the "something different" seems to get his attention. Another approach that works is to just get up and say "okay, I'm going to do XX, please come and tell me when you are ready to cooperate/listen/etc and then we can do/go XXX" This helps me because I leave the situation and usually he says "okay" right away or he finishes playing and then does what I asked, etc. Not sure if this makes sense but an example of when I would do this is when I'm sitting there asking him to get his underwear on over and over and he's ignoring me or when we're in the bathroom to brush his teeth but he's playing with the soap, etc.

[primjillie]

To answer a few questions about "non-yellers", I do have two boys and a girl and I wasn't more likely to yell at the boys, even though they were livelier. About getting their attention, if they didn't listen - I just went over to them to talk to them and redirect if necessary. It is what we call "get off your butt parenting". (We call it that when my son yells at this daughter from the sofa or whatever, my daughter tells him to get off his butt and deal with her lol).

[IdentityCrisisMama]

DH yells at me and then I go, “Stop yelling at me,” and then he goes, “I’m not yelling.” Sometimes I tell DC nicely that she can’t do something that she feels guilty about and she’ll say, “Stop yelling at me.”

My point is what some of you all are talking about now. I do think people experience yelling differently and that yelling means different things for different people.

Becoming the Parent You Want to Be covers this issue, I think. She talks about the cultural differences in communicating. I think it’s an important issue to consider.

[IncaMama]

Originally Posted by KristiMetz

It comes across as condescending to start a thread and say "I don't have any trouble with yelling. I don't really understand parents who do." and then solicit input from people who DO have trouble with it.

I mean, what is the point of the thread?

i *completely* agree with you, Kristi. I have had a bad taste in my mouth this entire time. The rest of the thread has been great because of those who have replied, but i think that it fails to overshadow the seemingly condescending tone of the OP.

[captain crunchy]

Originally Posted by IncaMama

i *completely* agree with you, Kristi. I have had a bad taste in my mouth this entire time. The rest of the thread has been great because of those who have replied, but i think that it fails to overshadow the seemingly condescending tone of the OP.

...It's kind of like going into the PPD forum and starting a post "my emotions were completely even-keeled, stable and happy post partum and if I ever felt depressed I would feel so guilty and horrible...but I haven't...because it has been all gravy...tell me about your depression!"

It is nice to read the sharing and helping of mamas who struggle with yelling. I have only raised my voice to my daughter a couple of times (thank God) but like another poster mentioned, it was more a frustrated or scared reaction "the stove is hot!!!" or one or two "what is WRONGGGGG" after trying to comfort the 100th meltdown of the hour over (seemingly) nothing : --- so it isn't ideal, but it is a far cry from anything verbally abusive. I honestly don't beat myself up about it and the mamas who think they are somehow *better* or more *loving* mamas because they would be wracked with devestating guilt are only (imo) falling into mama martyr syndrome which, though we all fall prey at one time or another, is not healthy or productive (imo).

The literally handful of times I have raised my voice to my daughter, I have felt badly about (temporarily) but then moved on, vowing to work harder on my coping mechanisms.

...and you know what? If nothing else, she knows that hey, mama is human too, she gets frustrated (impatient, scared) occasionally, but she doesn't say mean things to me, doesn't withdraw love, doesn't lash out, and when that split second is over -- we can be okay and happy again.

Furthermore, I think a world, childhood, relationship, without the *occasional* frustration is a false one. Someone is not being authentic because in the scheme of a lifetime (hopefully) of a relationship with someone -- someone is *bound* to feel frustrated or scared, or impatient -- and while I DO NOT AT ALL condone belittling, shaming, intimidation, threats, verbal abuse -- I honestly don't think the rare "stop a car is coming!!!" or "You drew crayon all over my new clothes!" with a slightly raised, irked tone is not going to do permanent emotional damage. Like a poster said... it is not ideal, but no one is perfect...even seemingly perfect mamas who never yell

[melimel]

Originally Posted by mommyto3girls

I know you put the qualifiers in there, but I do think this is off base. I have seen how boys seem to get rowdier in groups, but I think that has alot to do with social expectations. However, I really believe what you are talking about is individual temperment. This rambunctious behavior may be squashed at a younger age in girls because it is not considered "socially acceptable" My almost 4 year old can hang with the best of them. She runs and hollers and climbs trees, and jumps off of railings, plays sports with the boys, etc. On the flip side our friends so is the one wanting to do puzzles, play board games, etc

I think it really depends on the child and the parent's expectations and attempts to conform to social norms.

Oh, yeah! Definitely. For example, there is a little girl in our playgroup who has more energy than any boy I've met. So, yes, it was definitely a generalized statement that I made.

Our son is actually not stereotypical. He doesn't show any interest in trucks, balls, and is quite gentle. But he is physical (loves to wrestle!), which is healthy and normal.

[melimel]

Originally Posted by captain crunchy

...and you know what? If nothing else, she knows that hey, mama is human too, she gets frustrated (impatient, scared) occasionally, but she doesn't say mean things to me, doesn't withdraw love, doesn't lash out, and when that split second is over -- we can be okay and happy again.

Furthermore, I think a world, childhood, relationship, without the *occasional* frustration is a false one. Someone is not being authentic because in the scheme of a lifetime (hopefully) of a relationship with someone -- someone is *bound* to feel frustrated or scared, or impatient -- and while I DO NOT AT ALL condone belittling, shaming, intimidation, threats, verbal abuse ...-- I honestly don't think the rare "stop a car is coming!!!" or "You drew crayon all over my new clothes!" with a slightly raised, irked tone is not going to do permanent emotional damage. Like a poster said... it is not ideal, but no one is perfect...even seemingly perfect mamas who never yell

Love, Love, Love the points you've made! Thank you!

[CTMOMOF2]

Originally Posted by IncaMama

i *completely* agree with you, Kristi. I have had a bad taste in my mouth this entire time. The rest of the thread has been great because of those who have replied, but i think that it fails to overshadow the seemingly condescending tone of the OP.

I also completely agree w/you inca and kristi... but it did turn out to be a good thread in spite of the OP's intentions...

One other thing i wanted to mention...Yelling and belittling are two different things. I could say "Please! Get your Shoes ON!" in a very loud voice, being that i asked already 20 times without results... that is yelling, and i don't think that anyone is being hurt by it, other than noise pollution. If i said something in a nice small voice like "is ther something wrong w/you that you can't seem to get your shoes on" that would be quiet, but belittling...and in my opinion, wrong. I don't think it is sooo horrible to yell, it is just not nice. And living in a perfect world, we'd all get our points across w/out yelling, but in the real world, we get in a hurry and kids don't get the urgency as fast as we might and yelling happens... I don't want to yell, i just do. I also don't want to leave a mess behind to clean up later, but i have to... i don't want to be out on the run all day, but i am all the time! I have been making a conscience effort to stop yelling, but it is really hard work!!!!

[blessed]

I've been following this thread closely and have been so heartwarmed by people's responses. I felt so proud and happy that the thread I had started had led to the open supportive discussion that it did. People's candor and good insights have inspired me to respond a half a dozen times, but I've been preoccupied with another issue which I've addressed on a different thread.

Your words are very unkind and completely out of line. Please don't refer to me any further.

[Nora'sMama]

Captain Crunchy, great post. You are a very thoughtful mama.

[mbravebird]

Originally Posted by geekgolightly

but what do you do with what is welling up inside? fuming silence and all that tension is worse, and when it's welling up inside i literally have no place to go. no where to safely let all of those emotions out of my body.

Originally Posted by TanyaS

I am VERY interested in real, practical tools for eliminating the yelling in my home. I understand occasional frustrations coming out. But what is happening here is way too excessive and stressing everyone out.

Kathy and Tanya (and anyone else who is interested), I just wanted to share with you a thread with ideas that have really helped me in the months since I've read it. It involves responses by sledg to a question I asked in post #36 about what healthy anger looks like. (Sledg, I hope it's OK to link to this??) Here's the link: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...=482155&page=2

I still return to this thread to remind myself of what sledg articulated. I have found it very valuable.

[geekgolightly]

Originally Posted by abac

Kathy, have you considered counselling? I also find regular yoga very calming. For me, anger and frustration is most often a result a result of unrealistic expectations which inevitably lead to disappointment. I find it's very important for me to avoid those situations that make my blood boil. Knowing my triggers has helped. For those that I can't avoid, taking some deep, cleansing breaths helps.

I try very hard to remind myself that I have the ability to make a given situation better or worse, depending on my reaction. This can be very hard to do in the heat of the moment, but if I can stop myself BEFORE I get too worked up, it's much easier.

i know my background is rather extreme, but it still makes me laugh when someone goes straight to the counseling suggestion. i probably crack up bc its so uncomfortable. it might help in this instance. ive gotten over so much without counselling (abusive adult relationships, drug addiction, alcoholism, smoking) but the paranoia, anger and overeating ive yet to conquer. since seth is involved now (i still cant believed i yelled like that. ive been tormented by it these past 24 hours) i should probably seek counselling.

as for the suggestions... i dont know what is unrealistic. i didnt explain much because ultimately it doesnt matter, i should never yell, but seth trashed all of my knitting supplies after i had spent five hours straight with him and then went to the computer to check email. hes a very possessive little person right now. he came up to me laughing and pleased with himself. i guess i could spend every waking moment with my attention focused on him, but frankly, that seems unrealistic not the other way around. is it unrealistic to expect that he not lash out at me? maybe maybe not. i dont know.

[geekgolightly]

Originally Posted by mbravebird

Kathy and Tanya (and anyone else who is interested), I just wanted to share with you a thread with ideas that have really helped me in the months since I've read it. It involves responses by sledg to a question I asked in post #36 about what healthy anger looks like. (Sledg, I hope it's OK to link to this??) Here's the link: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...=482155&page=2

I still return to this thread to remind myself of what sledg articulated. I have found it very valuable.

oh man, mbravebird thank you so much for this link

[momster]

thank you mbravebird and sledg

thanks for the link to your discussion with sledg about anger and yelling. I found it very insightful and thought-provoking, although I don't know how well I absorbed it. I may have to revisit it a few times.

I especially like the idea of not trying to stop the bad habit when you feel it coming on. I can see that when I feel like yelling, I also have an urge to stop myself, which doesn't help me at all to deal with the frustration or anger and probably makes it more likely that I'll yell. The idea of just noticing the feelings and process - hopefully the next time I'm frustrated and on the verge of yelling I'll be able to invoke sledg.

I'm still loving this thread. I've been reading it every night. Thanks to all the mamas who have been honest or offered suggestions.

[heartmama]

I would also agree there is a difference between loud talk and verbal abuse. There are cultures that value silence and quiet, and cultures that value loud volumous communication. It can just be a question of decibal, not intent.
I have known totally non threatening people who spoke in near-deafening tones. Then I've known people who were loud in a terrifying kind of way--a hateful menacing quality to their tone.

Someone said it's not what you say but how you say it. I would add that it's not what you say but your intent.

I thought of Steve Irwin (Crocodile Hunter) as a very loud person. I bet he yelled constantly around his family (Crikey luv where's the bloomin' cah keys?!). Loudness was just a part of him that made him endearing and interesting. He wasn't threatening at all. Just really loud!

[CTMOMOF2]

Originally Posted by heartmama

(Crikey luv where's the bloomin' cah keys?!).