Eye Rolling, huffing and puffing

[SRHS]

HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH IT?????

Because what I want to do is smack my ds into NEXT YEAR!!!!

I need a creative and I think fun way to change his attitude....but he acts just so put upon everytime he is asked to do something. His father is deployed...ie GONE for the next 4 months...so we've already had the teamwork talk...but now all I get is ATTITUDE...and I"m gonna LOSE IT!!!!

HELP!!!!
Sus

[gnutter]

so He's like 14 or 15? I have one of those too LOL! I have to say that when it first started I wanted to smack him too-I did find that by ignoring it helped. Moslty just because it happened so often that pointing it out and dealing with it on an instance for instance basis took all day! Another thing that helped a lot was to make a list of things that he needed to get done-on paper. A piece of paper can take all the eyerolling and huffing he wants to dish out. These things have to be done by the time he wants to leave to see friends-or have whatever. This was a pain for a few weeks-but he is great about it now-he has set chores and even though I have to remind him often still he has quit the eyerolling. Not to say we don't still see attitude-we do-but its getting better-I think that in some ways you have to see past the emerging adult and see the temper tantrum in its new teenage form. Thats why I try to ignore the tantrum and just stick to whatever its over-like you can't go anywhere until you finish your chores-no matter that some friend has called to invite him somewhere. Now there have been times where he was almost done and had been cool about his stuff and I have helped him get done. He actually seemed to be appreciative which made me feel good. Anyway I could go on and on about this-it is SUCH a work in progress. I imagine it is much more frustrating on your own.

[SRHS]

NO, He's only 10!!! (well, not quite...in 2 months he'll be 10!!!)....I like the tempertantrum analogy...that will help me ignore it!!! Becaue what I really WANT to do is poke the little suckers out!!!!! serve them to him on a fork...sort of like the pirate in Pirates of the Carribean!!!

thanks!!!!

I do have a list, I guess I just need to have it out so I can add to it daily...stuff like thank you's...that is what got him going today...

Thanks again, Sus

[Alkenny]

I really don't sweat the eye rolling and huffing and puffing. They can be displeased with me all they want and need a way to express that. It could be so much worse (physically, yelling etc). Don't sweat the small things (I know that's hard!) and hang in there!

[Canadianmommax3]

mine is 11 and he does that!! But generally he is a good kid, it's that eyerolling thing i can do without!!

[SRHS]

Yes, mine is basically a good kid too, but that eye rolling really gets under my skin!!!! TRYING REALLY HARD to let it roll off my back...but geez i really have to GRIT my teeth!!! Wish me luck!!!

[MillingNome]

DD does the eye rolling once in awhile. Usually it does not bother me but there are those more trying times. And yes, in an even greater once in while there is a huff and puff. What works for when I am bugged by it is letting her know two things. First, it did irk me. Second, she needs to tell me why she did it. If she is emotional and wants to wait to tell me why, I let her wait. Why mess with an angry bear who would rather smartly walk off a little steam! I want her to be able to express what it is that bothered her to cause the eyeroll. Most the time it's because she would rather not clean her room, help with dishes, do her laundry, etc. Other times though, she is rightly peeved with how I dealt with her- ei talked down to her, pulled rank, otherwise rude in my request. Anyways that's what works for us (most the time!)

[*caitlinsmom*]

DSS is almost 12 and does this alot! You do have to ignore it (and it is irritating, right?) for the most part... or you'll go nuts.
One things that worked somewhat, or at least was good for laughs, was that I immitated him the next time he asked me to do something! His dad laughed, I laughed and I told him, "I'm just doing what you do. Funny, isn't it?" It did improve his attitude, if only temporarily.
I agree with what another pp said ... they are such a work in progress at this age!

[SRHS]

I have been looking for a humourous way to deal with this as I LOVE to laugh, and humour seems sto be the best way to get through to DS...thanks...I'll probably have to limit my use of it, ignore it sometimes and sometimes eye roll and huff and puff and laugh it off....or my eyes might roll out of their sockets!!!

[Lucky Charm]

My daughter had the patent on eyerolling. I am not afraid to admit that when she would huff and roll, it would take everything for me not to send he into next week!

that said, I would just gently, but firmly say no huffing and no eye rolling. To me it was disresectful.

And as far as I'm concerned, she can be as mad as she wants. I dont care.

She is now 19, and no longer rolls her eyes and huffs.

[spruce]

Originally Posted by Alkenny

I really don't sweat the eye rolling and huffing and puffing. They can be displeased with me all they want and need a way to express that. It could be so much worse (physically, yelling etc). Don't sweat the small things (I know that's hard!) and hang in there!

I guess maybe I'm a lot stricter than many moms on MDC, but I've found that my Dd (11) honestly doesn't always know she's doing it, and I've discussed with her the fact that other parents will be as offended or MORE offended by it when she huffs, eye-rolls, and hipchecks at them. (Hipchecking: that pompous stance with one hip cocked, saying, "I am soooooo not into you now, Mom").

We use pushups here. Eyerolling and huffing gets you ten. Arguing gets ten more, etc. If they argue that they can't do the pushups, it's ten jumping jacks for every pushup.

With woodhauling season well in swing, we've also switched the pushups to ten loads of wood (in the wheelbarrow) stacked neatly in the woodpiles.

For us, this approach gives them a reminder that rude behaviour is not tolerated, (I've even had to do pushups for saying a naughty word), and gives them a way to spend some energy and come back to the issue in a few minutes or a half hour.

I know it's not every parent's cup of tea, but it works well for us.

love, penelope

[Mama Dragon]

I don't allow it either, but I don't punish for it. I just tell em to knock it off, that only cavemen act that way. Which usually spurs a giggling fit and it's all better.

[sunnysideup]

Originally Posted by spruce

We use pushups here. Eyerolling and huffing gets you ten. Arguing gets ten more, etc. If they argue that they can't do the pushups, it's ten jumping jacks for every pushup.

And what if they won't do it? Do you force them? It seems like a matter of time before you'd get "make me." Frankly, I think that's what I'd say to someone who told me to do push ups.

I view it to be a parent's job to guide and teach, and I don't think punishments teach much--other than how to avoid punishment. Maybe your child stops rolling their eyes at you in order to avoid the push ups--they haven't internalised why eyerolling is a bad form of communication. Internally they are still rolling their eyes at you. I'd rather my child not roll their eyes at me because they *know* it's disrespectful and they *know* there are better ways to communicate. They choose to behave rightly, not to avoid punishment, but because it's a better way to do things.

[NiteNicole]

I saw the title and had to laugh. This is one of those things I can remember doing to my mom...well, I can remember it drove her nuts. And I also remember it usually happened before I even knew I'd done it. I can still hear myself saying, "But Moooooooom, I didn't MEAN to!" And I really didn't. The huff and eye roll were just like gut reactions. I wasn't mouthy, I did do what ever it was she was asking, but the eye roll/huf just HAPPENED.

Our DD is still years away from that, but I hope when she does this (and I just feel like it's one of those things most kids do at some point) I can just either mention it and move on or grit my teeth and ignore it. I know how hard it is when your face reacts before your brain says NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Don't do it!

[lotusbeans]

I've been doing some reading on teens and their brains and hormones, and it's helped me understand and deal with this sort of thing. It gets annoying, and makes me crazy, but it's getting easier to shrug off as a teenager thing. I've told her straight up what I think of it, and that I won't deal with her when she's acting that way. I hope she's learning that if she does want to talk to me or get something from me she's going to have to check that behaviour at the door, cuz I have no time for it. It hasn't stopped, but she's not getting rewarded for it. I keep reminding myself that as hard as it is to be the parent of a teen it's also hard being a teen.

[spruce]

Originally Posted by sunnysideup

And what if they won't do it? Do you force them? It seems like a matter of time before you'd get "make me." Frankly, I think that's what I'd say to someone who told me to do push ups.

I view it to be a parent's job to guide and teach, and I don't think punishments teach much--other than how to avoid punishment. Maybe your child stops rolling their eyes at you in order to avoid the push ups--they haven't internalised why eyerolling is a bad form of communication. Internally they are still rolling their eyes at you. I'd rather my child not roll their eyes at me because they *know* it's disrespectful and they *know* there are better ways to communicate. They choose to behave rightly, not to avoid punishment, but because it's a better way to do things.

Erm, wow. They simply don't see "make me" as an option. We're a family. I'm the mom, I'm in charge and we can discuss situations and attitudes and feelings (and we do), but when they mess up (by exhibiting a behaviour they know is not allowed), they have to pull their weight and fulfill their (previously known) "punishment."

It doesn't really affect them so much as punishment as a reminder that they can't do certain things...it's just not ok, and it gives them time to chill, expends excess energy, etc. Dh has even had the (then 10yo) stomp up and down the deck stairs 100 times for stomping off when he was talking to her. No quiet walking allowed, she HAD to stomp. It amused her in the end, and made a point.

I don't view all discipline as bad. In that, I am sometimes in the minority.

Telling me my child doesn't understand why eyerolling is unacceptable is a little disingenuous. I said in my previous post that we DISCUSS these things when nobody is angry or frustrated. We talk a lot. I'm not just a mean mama, honestly. But for us, pushups are no worse than the times at night when the kids won't settle and I give in and we go outside and run laps. It gives them a physical outlet and serves a purpose.

Certainly, you don't have to agree with me, or with my parenting. But the bug-eyes and the nastiness of your post weren't exactly kind.

love, penelope

[granolamom]

This is a cut/paste from a GD reply..I think it may apply


Mine is 12, very close to 13 and the youngest of 4!!! I have seen,heard, been through it all. I am so worn out and old that little bothers me.


I did decide years ago that I would pick my battles. If the action is something that does not hurt or degrade her or another person...I let it go. Eye rolling, shoulder shrugging, hands on hip do not hurt me or her, I just let it pass. My older kids (now 17, 19 and 22) no longer shrug, roll and the like.....hopefully my 13 year old will out grow this trait too. Screaming to some point I will let go if she is truly upset/angry/hurt. I ask her to try to name what she is feeling and ask her why she thinks she is feeling this way. I try to respect where she is as a person. Now if she hurts someone or herself emotionally or physically I will step in and have her collect her thoughts in a quite place and then we talk.



Then there are times when I just need a "quite place" and I will say, "we are not relating right now and I am feeling very on edge, I need a few minutes and I will go to my own space and collect myself.....

Chores are handled a little differently now that we only have two kids in the house. The girls each chose a certain number of chores and they chose what day they want to do them. i let my 13 year old type and print the chore list and it goes on the fridge ( she is a list kinda gal and like this for some reason) Sometimes I have remind them that I really need their help, we are family, we all have to work together blah..blah ...blah..Heck, now if I could only get my dh to do his chores.............


Can you believe how hard we thought is was when they were little..if we had only known.


Hang in there mama, peace to you both!!!

Granolamom

[lotusbeans]

Originally Posted by spruce

Erm, wow. They simply don't see "make me" as an option. We're a family. I'm the mom, I'm in charge and we can discuss situations and attitudes and feelings (and we do), but when they mess up (by exhibiting a behaviour they know is not allowed), they have to pull their weight and fulfill their (previously known) "punishment."

What I don't get (and I'm honestly asking, not trying to criticize or judge or start something) is how if you can get them to do the push-ups for the behaviour, how come you can't just get them to stop the behaviour? If they're saying, no, I'm not going to stop huffing, puffing and rolling my eyes, why do then say yes to the push-ups? Is it just a matter of it being worth it?

I'm the mom of a teen and the huffy-puffy-rolling doesn't bother me as much as the silent treatment. That gets under my skin so bad and of course, "I'm not giving you the silent treatment - I'm talking to you now, aren't I?"

Fun stuff.

[SRHS]

I have to say that sometimes I do just laugh because I was an eye roller too...maybe this is paybacks...and sometimes I even say that...."OOh, I hope you get one just like you!! Because apparently that's what I got!!"

and generally I try to go by if it's not unkind, unhealthy or unsafe, don't bother with it...this just gets UNDER MY SKIN!!!! maybe too much of a mirror?

Thanks for all the replies...it does help me just let it go....

Sus

[spruce]

Originally Posted by lotusbeans

What I don't get (and I'm honestly asking, not trying to criticize or judge or start something) is how if you can get them to do the push-ups for the behaviour, how come you can't just get them to stop the behaviour? If they're saying, no, I'm not going to stop huffing, puffing and rolling my eyes, why do then say yes to the push-ups? Is it just a matter of it being worth it?

I'm the mom of a teen and the huffy-puffy-rolling doesn't bother me as much as the silent treatment. That gets under my skin so bad and of course, "I'm not giving you the silent treatment - I'm talking to you now, aren't I?"

Fun stuff.

I don't honestly know why. That's a good question. But in our house (and we're far more disciplinary than a lot of MDC parents), refusing to do chores or face the consequences (i.e., pushups), just isn't something they even consider. I don't beat them, I promise, and we do talk a LOT. The one rule about pushups and/or wood-hauling or whatever is that if they think we're being unfair, they need to wait til later to tell us. (This is a safe-discussion issue...if I'm assigning pushups, I'm in no state of mind probably to discuss the merits of whatever just happened). The beginning of a, "But I..." argument gets them more pushups. They just don't argue now, but we have had a few conversations where I did admit I was wrong about the intent of their behaviour, or wrong to assign pushups at the time.

They are also required to answer with "Ma'am" and "Sir," and to say "yes" or "no," instead of "whatever," or "yeah." Just good manners, IMHO.

I am well aware I'm in the tiny minority here, and aware it's shocking to many MDCers that I don't "allow" this type of behaviour. But it's how we parent, and we feel it's our duty to encourage and even to demand polite, respectful behaviour from our children. It's no different than if I were the one acting awfully...it wouldn't be ok and I'd expect to be called on it.

love, penelope