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I changed my signature

post #1 of 143
Thread Starter 
to reflect our recent loss. But truth is I can hardly process it myself. Seeing it in print is foreign.
We are still in a different state with my DS and I am literally scared to go home. He is supposed to be dischared to home on Monday and then in two weeks we will have to go to another hospital in another city for inpatient rehab. His broken arm and leg have to heal before they can begin rehab.
How do I even put into words what I am feeling? I don't even know! I feel everything at once and nothing too. I am agnry at my fmily for forcing us to make decisions about services while we are still so far away. I am angry at myself for getting angry at them. I overreact to everything they say.
I don't know how I am supposed to go from being the mom of 3 to the mom of 1. I don't know how to tell Dh to stop saying he wants another baby. I can't even begin to think about that.
I don't know how to deal with the presence of Lianne and Finn in the house. What do I do to keep from losing it every time I see a favorite toy or remember something they did in that corner? Finn could fill a room with just his smile. I miss that smile so much.
I want to make something special to bury with them, but don't know what and don't have a lot of time or materials so far away from home. I am tired of people telling me it was their time. THEY WERE 5 AND 15 MONTHS!! HOW COULD IT BE THIER TIME!!!!!!!! They barely had a chance to live!
Yes I will remember every second of the love and joy that they touched me with. BUT I WANT THEM HERE!!!!!
How do I keep from losing it in front of Conor... it really upsets him, and he is going through enough right now.
How do I cope with the guilt that I know I will feel every day fot the rest of my life? Don't even tell me not to feel guilty... I fell asleep driving... it was preventable... completely preventably...and my stubborness cost me my precious children.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't drive late at night and please always pull over if you get too tired. It isn't worth the lives of your family.

Conor needs me now. I tell him everyday how proud I am of him and so glad that he decided to stay here and let me be his mommy a little bit longer.

Nina
post #2 of 143
Nina... I love you so much. I can't wait for you, Tom & Conor to be home. We are all waiting with open arms for you.

I wish I had words of comfort for you, it does get better, like I said in an email to you earlier the pain softens & isn't so blunt. While I don't know exactly what you are going through... I know the pain of losing a child, it's horrific & numbing & I will be here with you every step of the way. I will hold your hand, I will help you with Conor Conor, as Chase has always called him, I will cry with you for the loss of Lianne & Finn.

Remeber how many people are here that love you & are ready, willing & able to lend a hand if you ask for one.

We love you.

Rachelle & Chase
post #3 of 143
Nina,
I want you to know we are here for you, we love you, I know you will feel guilty, but I wish there was a way to diffuse it for you, there were so many factors. You are not alone in your guilt. I promise you there are many that share it. The pain I feel in my heart, my gut, is deep and hurts so much. I know what people mean by gut-wrenching now, I never knew before. If I am in this much pain, I can not even fathom what you are going through. There are no words of wisdom, no way to stop the hurt for you, to ease the guilt.
I imagine Tom feels like he needs to fix this...a baby to hold to help fade the pain...but you have to heal when you are ready, and I imagine this will be a long road.

I used to try to believe that things happened for a reason, in being a good person brings you good things, but it truly is a struggle to keep that faith. When two amazing lives were lost, and my good friend, who I know is the most amazing mother, strong woman, and a true friend, has suffered so greatly. I do believe though that you will find a way, that you will be strong for Conor now, and that you will find your strength for yourself again. I believe your path is long and painful, and unbearably sad...but I believe you will get through it, and Tom and Conor will too...who knows what the future holds?

I also know that we will be here, when you are ready, for whatever you need.
I love you.
post #4 of 143
post #5 of 143
I can't imagine your loss, but I couldn't not read your post without responding. I started to write all the typical sympathy sorts of statements and, upon re-reading them, realized that they made no sense.

All I can say is...take care...reach out to close ones when you are ready...and we will always be here to listen when you need it.

post #6 of 143
Oh Mama I am so sorry. I couldn't read and not post. I'm not sure what to say. Nothing sounds right. Please be gentle with yourself.
Blessings,
post #7 of 143
I did not know of your story until today. I am soooo sorry for your loss. My son just spent four days with his dad & I am ashamed at how sad I was, missing him. In light of your loss I cannot believe my selfishness. Please know I am thinking of you with love. :
post #8 of 143
i'm so very very sorry.
post #9 of 143
My thoughts are with you.
post #10 of 143


post #11 of 143
Quote:
Don't even tell me not to feel guilty... I fell asleep driving... it was preventable... completely preventably...and my stubborness cost me my precious children.
Mama I am so sorry for your loss this could so easily be me.

I have suffer from a sleep disorder myself (narcolepsy, sleep walking) I urge you to speak to a sleep specialist to make sure that there are no issues with your sleep as people with sleep issues, or sleep problems in relatives fall asleep at the wheel 6x more often than others.
post #12 of 143
post #13 of 143
I have also driven while extremely tired with my kids in the car. What happened to you could just as easily have happened to me.

s

I can only remember pulling over to rest one time and a police car stopped and told me I had to move along because sleeping in my car was illegal. It is also illegal to sleep on the beach or at the park. My town, like many others, has redesigned the benches at the bus stops to make it impossible for people to sleep on them.

Yes, your children's deaths were preventable, but you weren't the one who had the power to prevent them. I don't know your whole story, but I do know that even among the comfortably well-to-do, pulling over to the side of the road to sleep has a stigma attached to it, "only a bum would do that", and when people don't take care of such basic physical needs this is what happens.

Nina, I can't imagine...I just can't imagine what you must be going through right now.
post #14 of 143
Words just don’t suffice in this situation. Take care of yourself, Conor does need you, now more so than ever. And you need him. Gentleness and peace to you in this terrible time. My heart hurts for you, mama.

Lianne Finn
post #15 of 143
I am so, so sorry for your loss. I am sending you love and hope that peace is able to find you.
post #16 of 143
I'm so very sorry for your loss.
post #17 of 143
I'm so very sorry.

May the love of friends and family bring you comfort. And may time bring you peace. My heart aches for you and my prayers go out for you and your family.
post #18 of 143
I am so very sorry for your loss. There really are no words ((HUGS)). Ok there is one. It was not your fault.
post #19 of 143
I am so sorry for your loss. The loss of a child is one of the hardest things in the world to deal with, I can't fathom the pain you are going through. Be strong mama. The pain does lessen but you never forget. Blaming yourself is part of the grieving process. It is not your fault! I know you were driving, but I can't tell you how many times I have fallen asleep at the wheel. I am sure there are many others who have fallen asleep at the wheel too. Forgive yourself. We all go through "they would have still been here had I done XXX". I know it will be hard, but it is harder to live everyday blaming yourself. Again it is not your fault. Please reach out when you need help but remain strong for your little one. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk.
post #20 of 143
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