Originally Posted by MonikitaUT
Naw... I'm in Salt Lake City. I was being more figurative than literal.
I could give you some pointers on the Salt Lake City marathon, though.
And CReb has AWESOME pointers for marathon running, with or without gnomes.
I will re-post the pointers, but gnomes are highly recommended for full effectiveness.Reb's Gnome's (unprofessional) Marathon Advice for Monika
Okay, the woman I follow around has now run two marathons. That makes me a little more knowlegable on the subject than the average gnome. Not much more. A little more. She is, as you see, not a fast or strong or champion marathoner. She is a slow, uncoordinated, jiggly, slightly pudgy, and front-of-the-back-of-the-pack marathoner. Therefore, my advice will not get you into the front of the pack or to a sub-3 finish (I think that's what those crazies call it when you're fast
: ) I can, however, be of assistance when it comes to the enjoyment of the marathon. Take the advice as you may...
: Keep thine eyes peeled for flying fleghm. Runners tend to spit a lot. It is not pleasant when it runs down your cheek or GnomeGod forbid shoots into an open mouth as you gasp for air while trying to keep up with the sub-three people.
If you can feel your heartbeat on your funny bone, you're going too fast.
: Don't eat popcorn at the aid stations. Gu is more effective. Those damned husks can get caught in your teeth and you will stop in a diner for a toothpick and screw up your time in grand fashion.
: If you see stars and your arms start flopping, you may have caught Reb's seizures. Drink more Gatorade.
Try not to run behind exceptionally well defined men. Especially if they are wearing tiny shorts and a nice tight tank top. The drool that is created can cause you to slip and fall if you step in it just so.
Drink one cup of coffee an hour to two hours pre-race. Add Kahlua.
Don't let anyone circumsize you until after the race.
Keep your mind busy with other things until the race starts, so as to not get too nervous. This also helps during the race if you start to get bored. Think about gnomes dancing in chocolate pudding wearing only their red hats. It works for me.
Try and stay away from brick walls. Really, do I need to explain?
: Swords + fanny packs = trouble.
Two words. Vas eline.
: Keep 'em in your shirt. I would think that all of that bouncing would hurt.
I do not recommend running a marathon if your body is shaped like this. It's not very aerodynamic.
Beware of terrorists carrying fake babies in slings. If you see one do not make eye contact. Trust me.
Launder your running clothes before you wear them again after the marathon. Unless you are trying to repel mosquitos or sexy bikini-clad gnomes
I'm serious about washing your running clothes.
Wear a lot of sunscreen. If you are anything like Reb, you'll be in the sun a LONG LONG time.
: It would be in your best interest to not run with your hamster in your shorts pocket. For obvious reasons.
: If you see any fans who look like this, take the extra minute to thank them for their support, hug them, and take a bite. You'll be getting hungry.
:Puke There may be a lot of vomit. From others. From you. From others who see you vomit. Watch your step and please be respectful of the other runners. Puke in bushes.
Try to wait for short lines. And always remember, "Salad Shooter!!!!"
:cop: Always thank the policemen when you pass them at intersections. They are out there to make sure the people in cars don't run you down. And they're probably hot and thirsty, too.
No matter what, HAVE FUN. Make fun memories.
: Look around. Enjoy the scenery. Look for hot men and rogue gnomes. It passes time, makes you smile, and you never know what craziness you'll see.
Don't start too fast, go for a negative split, and in the end make sure you've left everything out on the course. You'll regret it if you know you could have run five minutes faster had you not been pokey on mile 24 or in the blue house of stench at mile 11.
That's about all the marathon advice an old gnome can give.... Good luck. you'll do wonderfully.