rape

[momfirst]

I recently found out that my dd is sexually active...which isn't a big deal. However when I was talking to her about it, she said that she was raped (date rape, by the icky boyfriend). However, she says the 'rape' happened about a month or so ago...she's also still going out with the boy, says she loves him, and talks about marrying him.:

I was raped when I was 19, and the way she is acting is totally different than how I did. Which I know people react differently....I'm just having a hard time with the whole "I love him" crap....how can you love someone who betrayed you in such a way?! I also know that my judement on this is clouded because of my own past. I want to believe her, and handle things if she really was raped, but so much doesn't add up.

Help me out, I don't know what to do.

[Nora'sMama]

Momfirst

Please PM me if you want.

[momfirst]

Thanks for your reply and sharing your story.

My dd knows that I am furious. I have forbidden any contact with him (which makes me think she'll just sneak around now to see him).

We are in the process of trying to find a counselor for her, but it takes some time. I need to know how to deal with this all by myself for now.

Do I call the boys parents? I did call and try to talk to the boy...but I got pissed and he hung up on me (I just told him to stay the hell away from my dd!)

I want to take her to the police...but I need her to be sure of her story first (because it keeps changing). She needs to understand that this is a very serious acusation, one that is fine if it's true...but unfair if she's making this up.

This all just brings up old feelings from when I was raped...which is making it even more harder for me to see this clearly.

[MidwifeErika]

I would get a very clear picture, if possible, before doing anything else. Talk with her in detail about the incident, how it made her feel, etc.... and then talk to her about legal action and what she wants to do in that way.

I had a friend who stayed with a boyfriend for about a year, who raped her on numerous occasions. She "loved" him too and wanted to stay with him. She finally broke up with him and through her process of healing, she was able to understand that if she said no to sex and he made her have sex with him... that was rape! It didn't matter if she loved him or if he loved her, at that moment when he was ignoring her wishes and forcing sex onto her, that became a rape.

I also know another girl who claimed rape when it didn't really happen. Her parents found out she was sexually active.... with her sister's boyfriend, so she claimed she was pushed into it because she didn't want everyone mad at her. Well, it went all the way through court because it became a run away train and she didn't know how to stop it once she had already claimed this is what it was. Finally after the guy was found not guilty, she admitted to her family that it never was a rape in the first place, but that she was scared once the police got involved and didn't know what to do.

Talk to your dd, believe her. Give her an out incase she is just afraid to tell the truth, but do believe what she is saying to you. Help her decide what the next course of action should be (if she is in a position to help decide this). I am sorry for your DD, no woman should ever be forced to have sex against her will.

[Mama Dragon]

I'm sorry you and you DD are going through this. Does your DD know you were raped? If you can handle it, it might help her if you share your story. I'm not sure what else to say, because respect for youself has to be learned for lots of girls (myself included) and if you don't have that respect, you'll just keep getting walked on. I hope she can realize that she deserves much better then that creep.

[wanderinggypsy]

I think you are strong, and I think you are RIGHT when you say you want to go to the police. In my opinion, this is the clearest way for you to get it through to both your daughter and the offender that what happened IS NOT OK, AND WILL NOT BE SWEPT UNDER THE RUG.

Stay strong mama. This is is horrible thing for a mother to deal with. And yes, counselling is in order for your dd... may she heal her whole self in good time.

[MillingNome]

I don't have much to add except for one thing, hinted at be a pp. Obviously a safe person to talk to is a must. One thing that I hope can be done is to quickly break the victim cycle. After a bad relationship, it often sets up a string of more bad relationships. That's all.

[WuWei]

Wow, that sounds frightening and confusing to be dealing with. I am going to be the voice of dissent however. Your daughter needs not be restricted, nor the boy prosecuted, imo; she needs to be empowered to believe that she can say "no" about her body. The choice to continue a relationship with someone who *may have* violated her consent, did not start with this guy. I believe that a child who has been taught to ignore her own right to say "no" about her body, through "doing what you are told", for instance, learns that others have the right to "make her" do things that she doesn't want to do.

If you can find a way to *listen* to her needs, without judging them as ridiculous that she is emotionally attached to the guy; hopefully, she will be able to see you as a partner. From my own experience, I felt that my parents "did not understand" the intensity of my feelings for my teenage love. He, however, did respect my right to consent and we have been together since 1979. I listened to myself, in spite of being restricted from seeing him. I did see him because I loved him. To me, the principle of having autonomy over one's own body and decisions does not only involve young men. It starts at home.

The dissidence that she is expressing about whether she "consented", or welcomes the sexual aspect of the relationship, is not different than ignoring her own feelings because others think that they 'know what is best for you'. For instance, forbidding any contact with him, denies what she is telling you she feels, imo. Instead, I hope that you can open up conversation by listening to what she does love about him, and what she doesn't love about him, according to her own values. Empower her to listen to herSelf, rather than to you or to him. The concern with teaching our children to comply to authority, is that they do, without deference to their own judgement. Help her to listen to her own inner voice, so that it becomes stronger, not overpowered by yours, or his. And then she will be able to know *how* to listen to that inner voice when the next man or woman tries to overpower her own judgement. She will become confident in stating that her consent was or wasn't violated.

There is no standing for a claim of "rape" when she is consenting, imo. I can only imagine how livid I would be if my child told me she had been sexually violated. Perhaps she was and doesn't even believe it. I agree that a neutral party to provide a sounding board could be beneficial, if she consents. I highly recommend the book "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, How To Listen So Kids Will Talk". http://www.amazon.de/How-Talk-Kids-W.../dp/0380811960 It has communication tools of validation and empathizing that open up conversation.

Respectfully, Pat

[ambdkf]

My advice may seem different but I’m going to try to explain. I understand where you are coming from and why you are having such a strong reaction, I have lived that. Rape is not something to be taken lightly. However, my concern would be maintaining a connection with my daughter. The most “dangerous” position for her to be in is to be running from her family and me. Eliminating the need for her to turn away, would be my priority.

This is just how I would handle it with one of my dds. I would talk to her about the incident, what happened, why was it different that time? What happened afterwards? I’d talk to her about what she loves about him, what she loves about the relationship. I would do this without judgment. I would validate and reflectively listen. She would need to know that I really want to hear her and that I’m on her side. I believe human nature dictates if we are pushed we push back. So my goal would be to partner together. Then she has a chance at making a real decision, her own decision, not just reacting to my anger or ultimatums.

I know from my own experience, I have made some poor decisions because I didn’t like feeling trapped by someone in my life. Had they partnered with me, I feel sure that I would have been able to see the situation with new eyes and made a decision that served me more.

Again, for me, the bottom line is keeping the connection to my children. I want them to feel safe that I can hear and support them. I want them to know that I trust them, and that even when they make mistakes they won’t be judged but that I can be an ally to help them move through it.

I feel like your daughter needs you more than ever now, not as an adversary but as a partner and trusted advisory. I’m so sorry that you are both going through this!!

[Brazilianmommy]

I was in the kind of alike situation of your DD, I was raped when I was 13, but it wasn't a date rape, I'll take her to a professional counselor, I really don't know what else to say, I didn't receive alot of help at first but much later, (one of my sisters) becama a professional when that happened to me, she decided that she don't want other girls to suffer the way I did, and now she has her own clinic in Belo Horizonte, anyways it can take alot of time to heal even though, I think she hasn't understands what happened to her at all...

[TAC]

I think it is amazing that she trusted you enough to tell you not only she was sexually active, but that she was raped. Something you did instilled this trust in her. It is of the utmost importance that you do not betray that trust. Find a way to maintain your relationship with her.

I am not sure about the police issue. I would be cautious. She is at such a tender age, and you need to be careful how this is handled. Personally, I think I would be at the doorstep of this boy and his parents. I would be fit to be tied, and his parents would know about it.

Keep the lines of communication open. I also think she should be banned from this boy, but when you do that you run the risk of her sneaking around with him. That is much worse. Keep your eyes and ears open mama and be very careful. Find a counselor asap, one that specializes in teens or pre-teens.

[PrairieBohemian]

I just saw this in new posts and just have to jump in.

First off all I think you are very lucky that your daughter trusts you enough to tell you she is sexually active. This means you have a very good foundation in your relationship and this is so important.

I would just like to share a little of my experience here to give background to my perspective: When I was 14 my parents sent me to boarding school because they couldn't handle me, whatever that means. I was a naive virgin farmgirl who had a very hard time fitting in in a small town. The only major problems I had were my hostile reactions to living in a disfunctional alcoholic family. The dialogue between my mother and I was so restricted that I didn't even tell her when I got my PERIOD let alone when I became sexually active.

So my parents somehow thought a school could do a better job of rainsing me than they could. Within my first 4 months, I had started dressing like a slut, doing drugs (LSD!) and having sex. It was a long, long time before I had sex that DIDN'T feel like rape. Throughout my teenage years, I was victim to many many cases of unwanted sexual contact. I didn't know what to do in these situations and I would just freeze and they mauled me and stuck their fingers/penises inside me. YOu always here this, but I thought it meant that these guys actually LIKED me. I really needed the attention and though my gut knew what they were doing was wrong, my head didn't really understand HEALTHY sexuality and so I continued to "date" these abusive boys.

What I needed was my mom to talk to me about healthy sexuality (and not that "when two people love each other..." crap) I needed her to celebrate what sex can be and empower me with her support and love and NON-judgement. Unfortunately she didn't even know anything was happening because we were so far apart. ANd if she had found out, I am pretty sure I would have been punished or at least pulled out of school.

Please don't think I am coming down harshly on your response--I am speaking as someone who can recall how it felt to be a troubled teen and not as a mother to a teenager (yet!)--but forbidding her to see him is the worst thing that you can do. There is nothing more sweet to a teenager than "forbidden love"! If anything, your interference will prolongue her relationship with him. She needs to tap into her own wisdom and her own strength to realize what is good/not good for her. And she seems so close to this! If she is sharing things of this nature, she is well on her way to clarity.

Support her, guide her, love her but don't try to restict or control her "for her own good". She needs to be empowered. Making the descision to forbid her to see him only reinforces the message to her that she is not "capable" of deciding what is good for her and will make it even more difficult to assess dangerous situations in the future.

Sorry to sound harsh here. If you read any angst into my post, it is meant for my own mother and not for you!

Good luck--though it seems the two of you are well on your way to a healthy mother-daughter relationship!

[momfirst]

[QUOTE=arboriamoon;6166654]but forbidding her to see him is the worst thing that you can do. There is nothing more sweet to a teenager than "forbidden love"! If anything, your interference will prolongue her relationship with him. She needs to tap into her own wisdom and her own strength to realize what is good/not good for her. And she seems so close to this! If she is sharing things of this nature, she is well on her way to clarity.

Support her, guide her, love her but don't try to restict or control her "for her own good". She needs to be empowered. Making the descision to forbid her to see him only reinforces the message to her that she is not "capable" of deciding what is good for her and will make it even more difficult to assess dangerous situations in the future.[QUOTE]

First of all, I didn't take your post as anything negative...thanks for your thoughts on this.

I do want to comment though about me "forbidding" her from seeing this boy. This has been a bad relationship for a long time. He has been very controling toward her. They went out for about 10 months, broke up and got back together again...then this happened. I gave her the time to "do the right" thing and make her own decisions. My dd is mentally impared...so making the right choice for herself isn't always that clear to her. People can treat her like crap and she'll still think of them as a 'friend'. Which makes all of this a little different. The boy has special needs, but he is not mentally impared. My dd really needs help to make difficult decisions in her life. She's really not capable of "tapping into her own wisdom and strength" and then acting on it. She's very easily influenced...lately more by her peers than me...she doesn't know when she is in a dangerous situation, let alone handle that situation.

[doulatara]

Love to you, mama. I'm so sorry.

I could only imagine how hard it would be to hear my daughter was raped. I don't know what I would do, but my first instincts would be to seriously harm that boy!

I was raped at 14, and it took about two years to see it as rape...and my situation was violent and involved two men......it just goes to show you how much we can fool ourselves in order to shield ourselves from pain.

In telling you about her experience, there is obviously a part of your daughter that see's that her situation was not ok, I see it as a cry for help. Please take her to counseling. Let her sort everything out with someone who is specially trained in rape and sexual abuse.

As for the boyfriend...can you talk with his parents? Maybe they would send him to counseling...I would want to forbid them to be together but I think you may be right about it driving them closer. Maybe you should seek counseling as well, I'm guessing it's really tough to separate her experience with your own, and that it's triggering a lot of painful feelings for you.

[lotusdebi]

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[pranamama]

I reallyfeel for your daughter when I read your post. I hope you can both learn as much as possible about domestic violence, and abusive teen dating relationships. As someone leaving a relationship that started abusively when I was a teen I wish I could give more specific advice. I ran away when my parents gave ultimatums but I also think she may want you to set limits for you , and be her excuse to get away from this guys abuse.

[momfirst]

update

My dd has talked to 2 different social workers (who deal only with teens with special needs) One knows her very well, the other has only just met her. We are still waiting to get into counseling, the referal is done, just waiting now for an appointment, although they did say they should be able to get her in within a couple of weeks.

Both social workers reccomend keeping her away from this boy. DD has said she wants to be away from him...but yet keeps going to meet him. She's not good at taking responcibility for things. She did say she told him to "go to Hell" (then asked me if that was OK to say)...hell yeah! I'll take him there myself!!!! However, his reply to that was that he knew she still cared about him. Yuck! I can't stand the little @hole!!!!

Now the problem is...both social workers said I need to have her make a police report...or they need to report it themselves. DD did tell the social worker that she wants to file a police report, but she is scared that she'll have to go to court. I told her that is something to think about, because I can't do it for her...but I will be there to support her.

This whole thing sucks!!! I am changing my hours at work so I can drive her to school every day so she doesn't have to see him at all. They go to different schools, but the same bus picks them both up. She's also dealing with a few friends who don't believe her and she's confused as to why they are mad at her. Luckily, her best friends are standing by her.

I feel like a sh** for doubting her. I just want to quit my job and keep her home from school...although that's impossible. We are going out of town this weekend because we need time away.

Thanks for all your suggestions and thoughts and help. They are all appreciated.

[Ruthla]

When I was sexually assaulted by a boyfriend, it was too much for me to deal with having been assaulted AND losing him at the same time. It felt, to me, like the guy who assaulted me was somebody other than my boyfriend, and I needed my boyfriend more than ever after being violated. Does that make any sense? At the time, it did.

It's great that your DD felt comfortable opening up to you about being sexually active and about being raped. I think keeping those lines of communication open are far more important than prosecuting this boy.

OK, I've read past the first post now, and I see that she doesn't want contact with him, but can't seem to stop herself. Since SHE wants to be kept away from him, it's perfectly appropriate to help her enforce that.

Going to the authorities in a domestic violence situation is HARD. It's scary. Make sure she knows that it's OK to be scared- she's not "weak" for feeling this way, and it's perfectly normal to still have feelings for him, even when she's scared of him. There's nothing "wrong with her" for having any of these feelings- the fear of him, the attachment to him, the fear of going to the authorities, the fear of public response to the allegations, the confusion in herself for staying with him after he hurt her. I went through all of this when I was 30, and it was very, very hard. I can only imagine what it must be like for her as a teenager.

[momfirst]

I spoke with the police just to find out what happens should a report be filed. They said they could send someone to our home to make the report, which may be easier on DD.

What do you all think about going to the boys home and talking to his parents? I would definately need someone to be with me because I would really go off if they said something negative about my dd...which I would expect them to do. Would it be better to just call them on the phone? Or if a report is going to be filed, should I just let the police handle it? BTW, I'm still up in the air about the police report. I have to talk to DD and see what she wants to do. Because she is 18 and I have legal guardianship of her, I think I have to report this to the courts as well. There really may be no choice but to file a police report.

On the bright side, dd was happy when I said I would be driving her to school from now on.

[SweetAfton]

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you and your family.

When I was 18, my boyfriend would force me to give him BJs, but not sex. I didn't break up with him because I wanted to marry him : and I thought I could never get someone as good as him. I also thought that the pain of breaking was worse than giving him what he wanted sexually.

I know that DD may not seem like she's hurting, but maybe she's hurt on the inside and not letting it show. I *never* let on to anyone that there was something wrong in my relationship, so it is a big step that she at least admitted it to you. Just try to let her know that even thought the break-up will hurt, she would be *much* happier with another guy.

As for talking to his parents though? I don't know. What does DD want you to do? Have you talked to her about you talking to his parents? I can see both sides of that equation.

Good luck and way to stay strong! Let us know how it turns out.