teen arrested - traffic violations - WWYD?

[aisraeltax]

this is a hard post. i don't know what to do. im torn.

here are the facts:

ds1 is 16 (day 9/25). he has no license. no permit. no drivers ed yet. he isn't able to do any of those things until he becomes more responsible. he hasnt become more responsible yet.

his father left his car in my driveway for a few months. came to visit last week (weve been divorced for 14 years), and left the key to the car IN THE CAR. (no, i didnt know). :

i take Mc (ds1) to a friends house last night and they are going to a party but comign home later for a sleepover at my house. i go to a friends house for dinner. get home around 10pm. around 11:30pm a cop knocks on my door and tells me ive got to go pick up my son from the police dept. he's been arrested.

Mc had another friend bring a car to my house while i was gone. they jumped the car off (battery was dead), took the car to the gas station, then drove to the party. apparently followed too closely to someone who called the police on him. police found the car a bit later parked on the side of the road at the party. went to the house and asked who drove the car. my son at first gave the police a wrong date for his bday and then told them the truth.

here are the charges:

operating a vehicle without a license.
operating a vehicle without the owner's consent
reckless driving
submitted false report (he told them the wrong bday)

theres something else but the paper work is not in front of me.

wwyd?

here are the options:

try to remain calm. take away most of his privileges but continue to allow him to be with his gf, on the computer and phone but require him to come home from school directly every day and help around the house alot.

go balistic. take away everything.

i allowed him to go with his gf today b/c i have to figure out what to do.

im scared if i dont do enough, he wont learn a lesson.

im also scared if i react too harshly, he will feel as if he is in a corner and will run away, threaten suicide, get depressed, etc. (he's never done any of these things but thats what i would have done as a teenager if i felt backed into a corner).

also, wwyd re: the tickets. here are the options (ill try to do a poll):

1. try to get the charges dropped. im an attorney and have a police officer friend who can try to talk to the cops who arrested him and the prosecutor. between teh 2 of us, we can prob. get this reduced or make it go away with some community service served by Mc.

2. let things fall as they may. the prob. here is that if i do that, he will enter his driving life with points against him. it will cause his ins. to double (prob.) and affect how much he has to work to pay for ins. which in turn will affect his school.

oh my....im so confused!

[Pandora114]

I say he wants to be a grownup, break the law like a grownup, then he has to face the concequences of breaking the law as a grownup. Which means, let things fall as they may. He needs to learn the real concequences of breaking the law.

On the homefront, if he has fines, he needs to get a job to pay for said fines. or, if they have to be paid immideiately you pay them, and then he gets a job to pay YOU back for the fines.
Parental imposed concequenses will really mean nothing.

YOU dont react. Let the law handle it, he broke the law, he needs to deal with it.

Too many parents bail their kids out of trouble with the law in hopes they'll learn a lesson. That's not how they learn. The natural concequence for breaking the law is dealing with the law's concequences...

[Kaitnbugsmom]

You're a lawyer, right? So you know how things turn out when people only get a 'slap on the wrist'. It gets worse. Especially with teenagers. They begin to think of themselves as 'untouchable' or that nothing will come of their antics because mommy & daddy or whomever will always bail them out. That's no answer.

He should take the full legal consequences. He's 16, so he's well past old enough to know the consequences of his actions. Make him face them head on.

FTR: Just because he has to work doesn't automatically mean his schoolwork will suffer. I worked 40 + hours a week through most of high school and still graduated with high honors and multiple scholarship offers. And if the relationship with his girlfriend suffers, that tells you what kind of match she would have been for him anyways, doesn't it.

[Storm Bride]

Don't interfere with the legal process. First of all, that's teaching your son that if you know the right people, the law doesn't apply to you (which is probably true, sadly - but still not the way I want my kids to be thinking!). I know it's anecdotal, but I know two people who were always doing things that were illegal when they were younger, and an adult in their life always shielded them from the consequences...got them a hotshot lawyer that they couldn't have afforded, didn't press charges when the offense was against her, etc. To this day (one of them is 37, and the other is 43), neither one of them believes that any rules should apply to them. I don't know if the "shielding" they got is the reason for this belief, but I'm sure it contributed. Your son doesn't need the lesson that if he disregards the law (and other people's safety...he wasn't driving safely, or the police wouldn't have been called in the first place), his mom will make sure he doesn't get in trouble.

On the homefront, I'm honestly not sure exactly how I'd handle it. I would definitely expect him to come up with the money for any fines himself...and if that means his social time is eaten up with a job, well...that's what happens. I can't really advise you, because I don't know what your disciplinary pattern has been in the past.

[mamameg]

I voted full consequences. If you try to avoid the consequences, and teach him a lesson on your own, the only lesson he will learn is, "cool, my mom bails me out when the heat comes down."

[MidwifeErika]

When it comes to breaking the law.... especially with something like driving (could hurt or kill someone), I would go with the law. I think it is good to learn that there are some concequences that mom can't make go away, and if you break the law, then you have to deal with the courts.

I think it would be good for insurance to cost more and such and that he have to pay it in order to drive. As far as hours worked and that interfereing with school work... my parents had a rule about the number of hours I was allowed to work during the school year so that it wouldn't interfere. You could set a limit of hours and if he can't afford his insurance, then he can't drive.

If you just go with whatever punishment the law hands out, then I don't think he will feel backed into a corner. It isn't you against him, it is just him needing to face the consequences of his actions. Taking a car and driving it with no license and then driving poorly deserves some consequences. It would have been much worse had he caused an accident.

hugs to you both while you work all this out!

[Panthira]

I wouldn't let the system get involved THIS TIME. This is basically his first offense, right? I would give him a break on this one re: the ticket and the courts, but I would come down so hard on him at home and remind him I bailed his butt out of so much trouble, he'll have to do the time at home. And tell him you are only doing this for him one time. A one time only deal. If something like this happens again, it would all be on him. Sometimes we make stupid mistakes as kids (and he IS still a kid) that we wouldn't do later in life, but if you bail him out on this one, he has to know you won't bail him out again.

That was a VERY stupid thing he did.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by Panthira

Sometimes we make stupid mistakes as kids (and he IS still a kid) that we wouldn't do later in life, but if you bail him out on this one, he has to know you won't bail him out again.

IMO, there's no way she can ensure that he "knows" she won't bail him out again. No matter how much she talks, actions speak louder. What he's going to know is that he took a car without permission, drove dangerously and without a license, got busted...and didn't end up in trouble at all.

Also, what do you mean about "not letting the system get involved"? The system is involved. Someone reported him to the police. The OP thinks she can probably "make it go away", but there's no way she can keep the system from getting involved. Depending on the cops in question, her ds1 might even end up "marked" if they don't want to drop it and the prosecutor does. IME, cops don't tend to like it when some kid gets let off the hook because of his parent's friends. He could end up being busted every time he does something even slightly "off".

[captain optimism]

I think you should try to pursue all legal means to get him off the hook. I would be too scared that he could have a permanent record for this mistake that is out of proportion to both his intentions and his actions.

I also think you should involve him in that process. Explain to him what he's done wrong (the laws that he's broken, that is) and why you wouldn't like this on his permanent record. Then explain all the steps you have to take to smooth things out for him, as you do it. Let him know if any of them make you ethically uncomfortable. Let him in on the whole entire process.

Discuss with him how he thinks he should make up his actions. Does he understand what was wrong with what he did? If he were you, how would he handle it?

If he can't take it seriously and only tries to defend himself, then just ground him and supervise him closely, and deduct the amount of the legal fees from his college money. Also, don't plan to let him get his license on time.

[Ruthla]

I wouldn't bail him out legally. I'm not sure if I'd do further consequences at home and at school as well- it really depends on his reaction to facing legal consequences, and whether he gets a "slap on the wrist" or something worse from the judge.

Remember, it's not going to cost you (or him) a penny in insurance costs if you don't let him drive.

[fierymyst]

I didn't vote in the poll because I think this depends on how your son is acting about what he did. Does he show remorse, did he apologize or is he blowing it off like its no big deal.

Even if you are still thinking about it I would say he doesn't go out with the gf, or anywhere. He is home bound until you decide.

I would talk to your son about this and ask him your poll questions about what to do. Sometimes kids surprise you and pick the harsher punishments. Get his opinion but let him know that it will be you who makes the final decision. Also express to him your feelings of disappointment and how this has made you feel.

I think an excellent punishment would be that he not get his license until he is 18. Then there are no concerns about insurance, or his record for now.

He definitely should get a part time job to pay for his fines, that is his responsibility. Also tho, his father needs to get his car out of your driveway (of course I don't know the whole story on that so maybe its not an option) but he also needs to take responsibility for leaving the key in the car. It is partially his fault. Never provide a teen with temptation, teen rule number #32.

Anyway, that is my two cents....

I wish you luck!

[Pandora114]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

IMO, there's no way she can ensure that he "knows" she won't bail him out again. No matter how much she talks, actions speak louder. What he's going to know is that he took a car without permission, drove dangerously and without a license, got busted...and didn't end up in trouble at all.

Also, what do you mean about "not letting the system get involved"? The system is involved. Someone reported him to the police. The OP thinks she can probably "make it go away", but there's no way she can keep the system from getting involved. Depending on the cops in question, her ds1 might even end up "marked" if they don't want to drop it and the prosecutor does. IME, cops don't tend to like it when some kid gets let off the hook because of his parent's friends. He could end up being busted every time he does something even slightly "off".

:

I'm with StormBride on this. I've seen one too many people get off the hook due to parental influence (the Bio-Idiot of my DD for one) And they have NO respect for the due process of the law, none, they dont care, they flaunt that they can break it and keep getting away with it like it's nothing because they KNOW Mommy n daddy will bail them out.

Don't create a monster. Let him take the full brunt of it the first time and let him learn his lesson.

You DONT want your son to be the type to just saunter into the court room with a sh*t eating grin on his face like the whole thing's a cake walk on his 50th charge....

Stay out of it. If fines need to be paid ASAP, pay them on his behalf and make him pay you back. If they can be delayed and/or put on a payment plan, make him pay them himself.

DO NOT BAIL HIM OUT...Just picture all the delinquents you see on a daily basis strut through court, with no respect for the law, Picture those people, and then, picture your son as one of them to steel your resolve.

[aisraeltax]

he isnt getting his license on time. thats already established.

he isnt defending himself. he knows what he did was wrong.

im still torn.

on the one hand, i dont want this to be on his permanent record. if he gets stopped for a drivign offense later (when hes legitimate) this record could be the basis for increased fees, etc. There are other ramifications of tickets like this that I really dont want on his record.

i am involving him in the process. his basketball coaches, school counselor, police officers, etc. are going to be involved with this.

what he did was sooo stupid. what he did was illegal. but part of me blames his father for leaving a car in the driveway with keys in it. with a 16 yo kid in the house. how stupid is that? yes, the kid made plans to do this...came back to the house when i wasnt here, etc. but it was a huge temptation. I would never leave keys in a car with a teenager in the house and expect all to be fine.

my son and i have been having problems with his irresponsibility lately. he has had a horrible attitude. he has been very lazy, not coming home when he's supposed to, etc. so im really torn..this may be the opportunity for him to be "forced" to spend more time with me in exchange for me dealing with the authorities on his behalf. on the other hand, i do NOT want him to think i am going to fix all his problems for him.

[fierymyst]

I am glad that he realizes it was stupid and he knows it was wrong, that is a good step, so many teens these days think its no big deal.

I am on the line about the decision to get out of the tickets, I understand both sides of it. I would prob get him off though if I could because I wouldn't want that on his record either. I also would still make him pay me for what the fines would have cost (put in acct for college) and delay getting his license for quite a while. He would also be on strict restrictions for quite a while and on probation with me. On time not coming home on time would get the strictest grounding. He needs to learn to respect you and your rules. It is your house, you are his parent and you are supporting him. I think getting the teachers and coaches involved would be great, hearing it from someone else may help.

((((((hugs)))))))

[Twocoolboys]

I would not recommend fixing it for him. First, traffic violations do not stay on your record for ever. In my state, they are on for 5 years, but I am sure it depends on where you live. So, it's not like he would be dealing with this when he was 80, or even 30. I think having that shadow of points on a license hanging over his head might keep him from doing something like this in the future. I know there have been times when my dh has had a lot of points on his license and that keeps him in check with the gas pedal.

Second, I think fixing it kind of sends the message that he can do it again. I'm not sure that makes sense, but to me, it seems like you are kind of giving him a freebie, you know? And, I agree with who ever said "actions speak louder than words". You may say that you won't do it again, but what is he really going to think and internalize?

Also, he is rapidly approaching adulthood. I think this is THE time to make him start handling his mistakes like an adult, that means taking responsibility. If he has to borrow money from you to pay the fines and work to pay you back, you can always, down the road decide that he has paid enough (even if he hasn't paid it all back). That way, you can make that contingent on not having anymore offenses. You can even tell him that if he makes a good effort for a year to pay you back and keeps his record clean, you will consider it settled after that.

I just see this happen so much where the parent fixes it (whatever "it" is) for a teen and the teen just does not learn anything. Or, they do learn something, just not what the parent expects them to.

And, the other thing that jumped out at me was you saying that it is your ex-dh's fault for leaving the keys in the car. Yeah, that was stupid, but I would not tell your ds that. That makes a perfect excuse for him and sends the message that you don't think he can control himself. I would make it clear to him that it is his actions, and his only, that got himself in this mess, even if you secretly think otherwise.

[Threefold]

I would lean towards trying to get the fine/charges reduced and deal with discipline at home and via community service or perhaps being on probation. From the looks of it he was not DUI or speeding, heck adults follow me too closely all of the time, and not a thing comes of it, so his big mistake was in taking the car without permission. Since this is his first big screw up, I think it's okay to let him know that you will helps him and protect him, but that there are limits, that you expect him to learn from this mistake and that you will not be bailing him out the same way if it happens again. We all deserve a second chance, especially when we are teens and our brains think so differently, imho. And sometimes having the book thrown at you for a first offense is much more of a scar than a lesson well learned, kwim? That said, I would have serious consequences at home, such as loss of privelages and a longer wait to prove readiness for the liscense.
to you, such stress. I don't look forward to my dc's teens years.

[Shoremom]

We went through similar problems when my younger son was that age and my husband and I were totally freaked out. We did not handle it well and it breaks my heart that I cannot go back in time and just hold that boy and tell him I love him over and over, despite the fact he acted like a brat.

While he must face the consequences, just make sure he knows that you still love him and always will, no matter what.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by aisraeltax

but part of me blames his father for leaving a car in the driveway with keys in it. with a 16 yo kid in the house. how stupid is that? yes, the kid made plans to do this...came back to the house when i wasnt here, etc. but it was a huge temptation. I would never leave keys in a car with a teenager in the house and expect all to be fine.

You said the battery was dead. That wasn't the kind of temptation people generally mean when they talk about a car being left with keys in the ignition. He had to have a friend come over to jump start the car - doing that with a car that you know you're not supposed to take isn't a whole lot different than hot-wiring a car that you're not supposed to have, imo. What if the car had been left with a full tank of gas and a live battery, but not keys? That's just as tempting if someone wants to take the car (I had a friend who did this with his parent's car all the time...they didn't leave the keys in it, but he was tempted by the car, nonetheless).

I wouldn't think that a car with keys in the ignition and a dead battery was all that tempting, personally. I certainly wouldn't expect problems because of it.

[Mackenzie]

Is getting the tickets dropped a common thing? Is it something that every parent would be able to do for their kids or is it only because of who you are and who you know. Because in all honesty, the latter would peeve me. I know people use "connections" all the time, and I think that practice contributes to our society's state of affairs A LOT!



cough cough.....halliburton.....coung cough

[Houdini]

Originally Posted by Pandora114

:

I'm with StormBride on this. I've seen one too many people get off the hook due to parental influence (the Bio-Idiot of my DD for one) And they have NO respect for the due process of the law, none, they dont care, they flaunt that they can break it and keep getting away with it like it's nothing because they KNOW Mommy n daddy will bail them out.

Don't create a monster. Let him take the full brunt of it the first time and let him learn his lesson.

You DONT want your son to be the type to just saunter into the court room with a sh*t eating grin on his face like the whole thing's a cake walk on his 50th charge....

Stay out of it. If fines need to be paid ASAP, pay them on his behalf and make him pay you back. If they can be delayed and/or put on a payment plan, make him pay them himself.

DO NOT BAIL HIM OUT...Just picture all the delinquents you see on a daily basis strut through court, with no respect for the law, Picture those people, and then, picture your son as one of them to steel your resolve.

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