Why are people pressuring me to 'wean' my dd, 6, from my presence? - Page 2

[MissRubyandKen]

Just wanted to say thanks to all you AP mommas for being so supporting. I don't get that often. I love my children and do have a desire to follow their lead in matters such as this one. It feels good to hear others expressing the same.

[blsilva]

Originally Posted by MissRubyandKen

Curious also, are you one of the people who feel that I should have been letting my kids go outside without me from the time they were two? My neighborhood is full of them. I rarely even see parents poking their heads out to check on kids. Do you really feel I am teaching them they are incapable of functioning without me just because I am in their presence when they are outside of our home?

We have this problem in our neighborhood, too. There are tons of very littl kids (some not even 2) who play out in the front yard, up & down the sidewalk, or even in the street unsupervised. It scares me to death. I have tried taking my kids out front, but always feel weird being the only parent there. Personally, I feel there are too many dangers in the exposed front yard to let them out on their own at this age.
As for the classes, I would honestly not allow my child to be anywhere that I was not welcome to stay and observe. Period. Not that I always would stay- if I were sure that my child were comfortable and secure, I imagine I could leave a little here and there, but just the idea that I would not be ALLOWED to be there for my child bothers me. Makes me suspicious, too.

[marybethorama]

I agree with the posters that said you know your dd best.

I also agree the the brownie troop leader and dance class are being very unflexible.

[E.V. Lowi]

Originally Posted by blsilva

We have this problem in our neighborhood, too. There are tons of very littl kids (some not even 2) who play out in the front yard, up & down the sidewalk, or even in the street unsupervised. It scares me to death. I have tried taking my kids out front, but always feel weird being the only parent there. Personally, I feel there are too many dangers in the exposed front yard to let them out on their own at this age.
As for the classes, I would honestly not allow my child to be anywhere that I was not welcome to stay and observe. Period. Not that I always would stay- if I were sure that my child were comfortable and secure, I imagine I could leave a little here and there, but just the idea that I would not be ALLOWED to be there for my child bothers me. Makes me suspicious, too.

:

[chfriend]

Here's my two cents: At turning 6 my dd occasionally asks to do a "drop-off." The usually backs out at the last moment.

1) You're lucky this didn't start up when she was 3. It took me a bit, but honestly, it helped me separate the wheat from the chaff activities. The great ones don't care if the parents are there.

2) Quit asking if you can stay. Just go and stay. I haven't been asked to leave yet. If you ask, you get into a silly negociation about whether it's "okay with the teacher." Just hang around and make yourself useful or stay out of the way.

My kid has allergies and sensory issues so I can always "play that card" if I need to. But if you just act like it's the most normal thing in the world, no one actually minds.

I'm careful to be sensitive to her having her space, staying out of earshot when she is talking with kids unless I'm called over.

I don't think when she starts liking a dropoff that it'll hurt our bond, 'cause she carries that with her everywhere.

[Twocoolboys]

I would just ask yourself if the stance you take is something that you are doing for her or doing for you.

I agree with you on a lot of your points - I don't let my kids outside to play unsupervised. I am not hovering (well, over my 2 year old, I am - lol), but not over my 7 year old. But, I am outside if he is most of the time. And, if I am not out there, I am looking out the window a lot. But, he prefers me out there anyway, because there are not a lot of other kids around (sometimes the neighbor kids are out - but then I really need to be out there). We'll kick a ball back and forth or just chit chat, etc.

And, as far as clubs and other activities go, I have always erred on the side of over-protective. But, what I have done is gotten to know his friends parents, so that I am comfortable leaving him at his friends' houses. My dh is the cub scout den leader, so he goes with him to scouts, but I have left him at other activities and picked him up later. And, if I do stay at something, I don't hover - I'm sure you don't either. My ds is enrolled in public school so he, of course, goes by himself everyday. But, I am the parent that volunteers in class as much as I can.

I am very attached to my ds, like you are to your dd, so I get what you are saying. I would just be careful that it doesn't cross over into not giving her the freedom to trust herself and to learn that she can depend on herself. And, the freedom to play without you there and monitering her actions constantly with her friends. Kids talk about different things when their moms aren't in the room. There is a lot of peer bonding going on as kids get older. Peers are important, in my opinion. And, I also think it is important that kids learn that they can go to other adults if you are not around. I know my ds has other adults that he trusts and feels comfortable with and will ask them for help if need be.

The other thing I would be careful about is making sure that she doesn't feel like she is YOUR social support. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but if you are seldom without her, does she ever feel like she needs to be there to support you? Do you bring her to PTO meetings or the grocery store, or wherever because you need her there? You don't have to answer that here, just be really honest with yourself about it.

Not looking for you to feel you have to defend yourself, just maybe giving you some things to think about.

[trinity6232000]

Originally Posted by MissRubyandKen

Sports- I get to stay, BUT, if dd decides she doesn't want to go to a practice here and there, she'll be penalized by not being allowed to play or being kicked off the team. I DO understand why, because they want the kids to be able to practice so they can WIN, right? Not so much what I'm looking for for my dd.

I guess I'm just not sure why people, family and people we have met, neighbors and even near strangers seem to be pressuring us that she should be leaving me and she should be 'weaned' from me. What is up with this train of thought? Where is it coming from and where is it going?

I don't have much advice. My dd has always been furiously independent and has enjoyed doing activities
with out me with her since she was 3.

But I did want to explain a reason for sports teams could want all the children to attend practices and
games. On my dd's team they don't have this rule, and I wish they did. They plan the practice and games
around how many children are on the team. Many times when my dd shows up to soccer there can be
up to half the team missing. That means dd gets less rest time, or once no rest time cause they just had
enough kids to play. It's not fair to the rest of the team if kids continue not to show up.

If your happy with the arrangement in your family then why ask why. Who cares what other's think about
it. There is only pressure in your life if you allow it to be there. It takes energy to wonder where this
train of thought is it coming from and where is it going? If your happy that's all that matters...right?

[Eman'smom]

I agree with you on most parts, however.....


If I'm reading your first post right, have you ever been alone with your ds and gone out somewhere just the two of you? What about you and your dh?

I'm all for as much family time as we can have, and I don't leave my kids with strangers or random activites ect. But are you gettting any personal alone time? is your dh or your son getting any one on one? We all benefit from one on one time. I don't think the individual should be sacraficed for the family KWIM?

[Lovenest]

My son is 4 and I have never left him besides with his gma and papa. I know how you feel.

I dont think I will be comfortable leaving him at 6 by himself either. I would not mind sitting in a room where I could see him (and him see me) at that age though. Right now he would not be ready to do that. I think you should go with whats best for your lil girl, if she WANTS to go to classes and you are able to watch from a distance and shes ok with that, then maybe try it. I know I would be so worried something would happen if I just left him, with all the scray stuff that happens now days.. You cant trust anyone. At least I dont!

[MissRubyandKen]

Originally Posted by trinity6232000
But I did want to explain a reason for sports teams could want all the children to attend practices and
games. On my dd's team they don't have this rule, and I wish they did. They plan the practice and games
around how many children are on the team. Many times when my dd shows up to soccer there can be
up to half the team missing. That means dd gets less rest time, or once no rest time cause they just had
enough kids to play. It's not fair to the rest of the team if kids continue not to show up.

Thanks for giving another perspective on this, I will keep it in mind as I'm looking about for things that might interest dd and be fun for her. I have been hearing comments for years now, so that's not a new thing. Part of what brought me to this thread was that it and just I start to look about for details about choices to offer dd, the first two say I am not allowed to stay. Really the sports thing would be a way for her to get out there and experience a team thing. I am fine with that. Everything is going to have a con or two, that is ok too. If she ends up not liking it and wanting to leave or not wanting to participate, that would be her choice. She hasn't asked to do any of these things even though I have brought it up before, more than once, and she hears about brownies from her cousin, and baseball practice from one little boy friend, and soccer practice from a little girl friend. She seems content to just run outside and play with whichever of the neighbor kids are out at the time. And that is fine too.

Originally Posted by trinity6232000
If your happy with the arrangement in your family then why ask why. Who cares what other's think about
it. There is only pressure in your life if you allow it to be there. It takes energy to wonder where this
train of thought is it coming from and where is it going? If your happy that's all that matters...right?

I get what you mean and agree with the gist of it. I am naturally a curious person and almost always like to examine both or all sides of things to better understand myself and the people and world about me, yk? I guess that's why I ask why, mainly curiousity and to assuage my lack of understanding.

[MissRubyandKen]

Originally Posted by Eman'smom
I agree with you on most parts, however.....


If I'm reading your first post right, have you ever been alone with your ds and gone out somewhere just the two of you? What about you and your dh?

I'm all for as much family time as we can have, and I don't leave my kids with strangers or random activites ect. But are you gettting any personal alone time? is your dh or your son getting any one on one? We all benefit from one on one time. I don't think the individual should be sacraficed for the family KWIM?

We tend to do most things together. Yes I have went places with ds or dd alone, but not often or regularly. And most of those times have occured in the past year when one or other of the children have asked to stay home instead going wherever. We do get one on one time and alone time at home, we don't have to leave for that. If one of wants to do leave for that purpose we can and will talk about it. I personally don't have the desire to leave for alone time. I am an introvert and prefer my alone time to be ALONE, not out around other people. Dp does go to a friend's house 2-4 times a month, when he wants to for away time, and he likes to work with tools down in the basement alone or with ds pretty often.

Otherwise we just hang out and coexist alot. Often I will be doing something with one or both of the kids, or they will be playing together while I do something else, or they will be doing something seperately, while I do something else alone or with dp or we all will be doing something together. I just don't see this as odd, most days flow by smoothly in our house. Often I view the time that the kids spend playing outside as my quiet time, because I will be working on some activity I want to be doing or reading a book as they play. Or if neighbors are out I will go and chat them up, if I feel like it, or just wave and keep doing my thing, if I don't. I hope this answered your questions.

Is there anything else anyone is curious about?

[mammal_mama]

About the outdoor play issue -- you may be interested to hear that one of my friends was harrassed by child protective services for allowing her kids, ranging in age from seven to three, to play in the yard while she kept an eye on them through the window. Her kids NEVER left their yard, whereas I've seen many others out in the street, roaming the neighborhood -- but the caseworker said that any time children are outside, a parent needs to be out there with them.

As for the issue of getting one-on-one time with husband and other kids, we find we can work this out even if we're all at home together. Husband may take eighteen-month-old into the bathroom so she can watch him shave (she's still very Mommy-oriented so he doesn't take her away from home for outings yet); this Daddy-Baby time allows my six-year-old and me to have a little one-to-one time, with Mommy safely nearby when Baby needs to nurse. Daddy and Six-year-old run errands and do lots of father-daughter stuff together.

And our girls do have to go to sleep SOMEtime. Sometimes we're tired too, but if we haven't connected for a while we make the effort to stay up and spend some time together. Really, I feel much closer to my husband than I did before we had kids; we were close before but this added bond has made us closer than I ever would have imagined. I guess that's why we don't understand the insistence of some that couples need evenings or whole weekends away from their kids in order to "save" the marriage.

I agree that families need to care for the needs of EVERY member -- but this can be done without any member being sacrificed. Creative families are not limited to solutions offered by mainstream society (i.e. the "babysitter" solution); they can brainstorm their own unique ways to nurture the marriage while meeting the needs of the children of the marriage at the same time.

[sunnmama]

I am not about pressuring other mothers to spend less time with their children. And, in fact, I have been on the receiving end of this pressure over time. So I am certainly not going to try to convince you that you are doing anything wrong....or that I know your situation better than you do.

That said, I have observed a wonderful benefit for dd as she has begun to separate from me just a little. As a background, dd is 5.5, and homeschooled.
I do work pt, so she spends time with daddy (without me), too.


Ok, so in the past year she began (slowly) going to sunday school classes without me. We started with me attending with her, and slowly got to the point that she is attending without me. This was important to me because *I* wanted the time to be in the peaceful service--not because I was trying to artificially wean dd from me. I was not concerned about her being too attached at 5.

So the unexpected benefit is that she has really bonded with the adults in the religious ed program. These are adults that I know well and trust...and now they are spending time with dd without me. And she is telling them things she doesn't tell me!

For example, I am currently 6 months pregnant. She is excited sometimes, and ambivalent other times. She has never expressed to me that she has any negative feelings about the baby coming. But, guess what? She *does* have those negative feelings deep down! She just worried about breaking my heart by expressing them, poor kid. So, she talked to her RE teachers about those feelings. I feel so blessed that she trusted them enough to do so!

So now I am feeling extremely grateful that we've fostered those relationships. And she wouldn't have those relationships if I had never left the room. Of course, our children will eventually have these relationships--if not now, then later. But I am grateful that dd has them at her current age.

[Roar]

Originally Posted by MissRubyandKen

I don't think anything untoward would occur if I wasn't there and she was home with her dad and she wanted me. She has lived with her father from birth, she sees him every day and is comfortable with him fully. The reason why she hasn't been left with her dad more is simply because when he isn't working, we tend to do outings as a family. We like to do things together. Very rarely does one of the children not feel like going on outings and on errands. When that is the case they ask to stay home, and we accomodate that.

If you want to understand the other perspective here goes... I can't really imagine in six years never wanting to go out with a friend for lunch, to the gyn, to the gym, to help out a friend with a newborn, to shop for pants by myself to go out with my child's father. I suppose you can see never being away from your child as healthy proof of your commitment to AP. I don't know you, so I can't say but I can say with folks I've known IRL who travelled down this path, it was about more than that and I urge you to take a good long look at it and see. If nothing else, I think it is really important that all parents have a chance to be the primary parent at times and if your dp is rarely allowed alone with his child I could see that would interfere.

I absolutely get you have the best of intentions and that you care about your daugther. As I'm understanding it your intended message is "I'm here for you", right? What I think others are suggesting is that there may also be unintentional messages like I don't trust other adults, like you can't ask other people for help, like you aren't mature enough to do activities most kids your age do, and like the sole function of women is to be with their children 24 hours a day and they never have needs to take care of at other times.

QUOTE=MissRubyandKen;6175012] However if she did want me or want to leave this place she has only been this once and I am not there because I have been told staying isn't an option, isn't even a choice, where does that leave her? Stuck with no out until the designated time when it is ok for the parent to come and get her. I am just not comfortable with that. I do not like feeling coerced into leaving my daughter. I want her to be able to do these fun things with the choice of me staying if she wants me too. I feel it severely limits her freedom of choice if I am not there. If I was attending a function and wanted to leave I could, without me there she couldn't.[/QUOTE]

Is there are reason why you think she wouldn't have fun and enjoy herself? If that did happen what do you see as the worst case scenario? What I can share from involvement in such activities is that most kids have fun most of the time, when they don't they may think "hey I'm not enjoying this but oh well", or they may ask an adult for help making the activity work better for them. In the end they learn, mom trusted me enough to do this and she comes back just fine and I can have a great time with other kids.

As far as severely limiting her freedom of choice, I have to say staying one day when having less than optimal fun seems like far less of a restriction than never being able to go at all.

If you have determined these activities can't work unless you participate too, are there any other options to help transition her to being able to have independent experiences. Would it be easier to find another mom friend and start doing some drop off playdates?

Originally Posted by MissRubyandKen

She has not expressed interest in being left anywhere without me, except for wanting to stay home with dad those few times when I was running a quick errand.

Does she know most kids her age are able to participate in a lot of activities she doesn't get to? Is she aware that she's not getting to take dance class and be in Brownies?

Originally Posted by MissRubyandKen

Just like in others' opinions going outside and watching my children, 4 and 6, play is unusual.

I think it is odd to lump those two things together. Leaving her for 30 minutes or an hour at brownies or dance class would be leaving her to do a structured activity in the care of adults. That isn't the same thing as playing outside unsupervised.

[4evermom]

My ds is very attached to me. I can't imagine him magically being OK someplace with strangers, a year from now when he is 6. He likes to know he can get me if he needs me, so he is fine if he is at a neighbor's but would not be fine at an activity far from home without me on the premises.

[Roar]

Originally Posted by sunnmama

So now I am feeling extremely grateful that we've fostered those relationships. And she wouldn't have those relationships if I had never left the room. Of course, our children will eventually have these relationships--if not now, then later. But I am grateful that dd has them at her current age.

I agree.

Also, there is great fun in having some separate experiences. It brings our child great joy to be able to have stories that belong just to him that he can share.

While kids certainly get the most from their parents, there is something special about relationships with other adults too. There are a lot of good people who have plenty to offer our kids and sometimes it takes us getting out of the way to let that happen.

[marybethorama]

Originally Posted by mammal_mama

About the outdoor play issue -- you may be interested to hear that one of my friends was harrassed by child protective services for allowing her kids, ranging in age from seven to three, to play in the yard while she kept an eye on them through the window. Her kids NEVER left their yard, whereas I've seen many others out in the street, roaming the neighborhood -- but the caseworker said that any time children are outside, a parent needs to be out there with them.

Wow! this is going OT but I can't believe that. Where I live people let their 2yo wander the neighborhood. Sometimes with older siblings. sometimes not. There are times I let my 5 yo play outside in the yard though.

[kdmama33]

Originally Posted by Roar

If you want to understand the other perspective here goes... I can't really imagine in six years never wanting to go out with a friend for lunch, to the gyn, to the gym, to help out a friend with a newborn, to shop for pants by myself to go out with my child's father. I suppose you can see never being away from your child as healthy proof of your commitment to AP. I don't know you, so I can't say but I can say with folks I've known IRL who travelled down this path, it was about more than that and I urge you to take a good long look at it and see. If nothing else, I think it is really important that all parents have a chance to be the primary parent at times and if your dp is rarely allowed alone with his child I could see that would interfere.

I absolutely get you have the best of intentions and that you care about your daugther. As I'm understanding it your intended message is "I'm here for you", right? What I think others are suggesting is that there may also be unintentional messages like I don't trust other adults, like you can't ask other people for help, like you aren't mature enough to do activities most kids your age do, and like the sole function of women is to be with their children 24 hours a day and they never have needs to take care of at other times.

Originally Posted by MissRubyandKen

However if she did want me or want to leave this place she has only been this once and I am not there because I have been told staying isn't an option, isn't even a choice, where does that leave her? Stuck with no out until the designated time when it is ok for the parent to come and get her. I am just not comfortable with that. I do not like feeling coerced into leaving my daughter. I want her to be able to do these fun things with the choice of me staying if she wants me too. I feel it severely limits her freedom of choice if I am not there. If I was attending a function and wanted to leave I could, without me there she couldn't.

Is there are reason why you think she wouldn't have fun and enjoy herself? If that did happen what do you see as the worst case scenario? What I can share from involvement in such activities is that most kids have fun most of the time, when they don't they may think "hey I'm not enjoying this but oh well", or they may ask an adult for help making the activity work better for them. In the end they learn, mom trusted me enough to do this and she comes back just fine and I can have a great time with other kids.

As far as severely limiting her freedom of choice, I have to say staying one day when having less than optimal fun seems like far less of a restriction than never being able to go at all.


I think it is odd to lump those two things together. Leaving her for 30 minutes or an hour at brownies or dance class would be leaving her to do a structured activity in the care of adults. That isn't the same thing as playing outside unsupervised.

ITA! That would be "the other side" as I see it, too.

I love my children. I am very glad that I share an incredible bond with each of them. I cannot see myself being anything but an Attached Parent. However, I think that must mean something different to me than it does to 95% of the people on these boards, as the vibe I get seems to support the idea that AP is only AP if I am with my kids 24/7 ... and want nothing less, even.

[MissRubyandKen]

Originally Posted by kdmama33
I love my children. I am very glad that I share an incredible bond with each of them. I cannot see myself being anything but an Attached Parent. However, I think that must mean something different to me than it does to 95% of the people on these boards, as the vibe I get seems to support the idea that AP is only AP if I am with my kids 24/7 ... and want nothing less, even.

I want to say that I absolutely do not feel that a parent needs to be with their children 24/7 to be AP. Nor do I think AP parents should want to be with their children 24/7 only. I do enjoy my children and alot of my time is spent with them. Not all. Dp and I wake up at least two hours before the kids and spend that time together before he goes to work. During the day they are often off doing their own thing in the house. When we are outside sometimes I play catch or kick ball with them, most of the time I am either reading, crocheting, or sewing while they go play with other kids and talk to the adult neighbors. I do get alone time, quiet time, time only with my partner, as well as time with my children, seperately and together, and we tend to soak up every oppurtunity we can to spend time as a whole family because dp often works overtime and long hours. I definitely don't find any fault with or feel that it wasn't AP of a parent to not want to be with their children 24/7.

[MissRubyandKen]

Originally Posted by Roar
Is there are reason why you think she wouldn't have fun and enjoy herself? If that did happen what do you see as the worst case scenario? What I can share from involvement in such activities is that most kids have fun most of the time, when they don't they may think "hey I'm not enjoying this but oh well", or they may ask an adult for help making the activity work better for them. In the end they learn, mom trusted me enough to do this and she comes back just fine and I can have a great time with other kids.

As far as severely limiting her freedom of choice, I have to say staying one day when having less than optimal fun seems like far less of a restriction than never being able to go at all.

If you have determined these activities can't work unless you participate too, are there any other options to help transition her to being able to have independent experiences. Would it be easier to find another mom friend and start doing some drop off playdates?

First I want to say I appreciate you taking so much time to answer my posts and for trying to help me understand this. I'm not sure if you have read all of my posts or not because I think you have asked questions I have already given information that I feel would answer them. I did give some details of some of the contact with other people that we have. I mentioned that I am somewhat introverted, not a total recluse or anything though. I enjoy my family and I enjoy being at home, more so than going out to eat or to functions with lots of people. I do these things anyway and enjoy them, but they are definitely not my favorites. My favorite is being at home with my family. That is part of who I am as individual and I do not expect or think that other moms are or should be this way, it is part of who I am though.
I have relationships with family and often chat with neighbors, just as my kids do. My dear sister is soooo an extrovert and she frequently fills me up with almost more chat than I can take. I don't feel lacking beacuse I am not part of a sports team or a group of some kind, it just isn't what I prefer.

I do think there is a great possibility that dd would enjoy brownies or a dance class. That is why I was looking into them. As I have said I would like to be able to feel welcome there, especially the first few times. The troop leader and dance instructor I spoke with in the past couple days made it very clear I would not be welcome to stay for even the first time. I would rather keep looking.

Originally Posted by Roar
Does she know most kids her age are able to participate in a lot of activities she doesn't get to? Is she aware that she's not getting to take dance class and be in Brownies?

I did say this in a previous post, I have several times spoken to her about brownies, 4-H, sports, and dance. And yes the girl knows from other kids as well that they are out there. She has several friends who participate in activities and sports and talks with her about them. She just doesn't seem interested for herself. Her one little guy friend is always instructing her about what he learned in his team's practice lately. When I asked her if she would want to do what x is doing she has shrugged and said I'll think about it, then went off to play again. I honestly don't get what she is lacking that is oh so detrimental because she isn't in one of these groups at the ripe old age of six. Or is it more that just being around dear old mom so often is detrimantal? I imagine she will find interest in something if I keep offering things.

Originally Posted by Roar
While kids certainly get the most from their parents, there is something special about relationships with other adults too. There are a lot of good people who have plenty to offer our kids and sometimes it takes us getting out of the way to let that happen.

Yes, I agree that there is something special about their relationships with other adults. I just don't understand why those relationships are perceived to be any less because I have been present with my children as those relationships have been fostered with friends and family. I'm not sure how my being in the same house or vicinity isn't allowing them to have special relationships with other adults. Its almost as though my presence over the years has been seemingly toxic to my kids or something in some's opinions.

Originally Posted by Roar
I absolutely get you have the best of intentions and that you care about your daugther. As I'm understanding it your intended message is "I'm here for you", right? What I think others are suggesting is that there may also be unintentional messages like I don't trust other adults, like you can't ask other people for help, like you aren't mature enough to do activities most kids your age do, and like the sole function of women is to be with their children 24 hours a day and they never have needs to take care of at other times.

Hmmm. So do you feel like these kind of concerns is why other adults make comments about sending my children off to school and cutting the umbilical cord and such? I honestly do not think my dd is getting any of these unintentional messages and they are not there, that's for sure. As a matter of fact I think they know I do hold trust with other adults. We often talk to perfect strangers together and them alone, while I watch from afar. They do know they can ask others for help (because they do, even in my presence). My six year old daughter questioning my sense of her maturity? Wow I don't see that either.

Now the last concern I can actually give credence to, if that were the case in our life and if that was the case in all the other adult women lives that they know. But its not. I feel that all of the concerns brought up so far that people may be having when they make comments are unfounded. My daughter has friends her age and of varied ages. She plays with other kids often. She converses with other adults and has adult friends and family that she feels close to.

I feel comfortable with my parenting of past and present. I'm looking at activities because I think she may enjoy them, not because I feel that I am doing damage to her if she doesn't participate in some. I am not about to force her into some activity and coerce her into staying because of fear that she needs it and should do it.