what about adoption?

[waldohood]

After suffering (HUGE understatement) my fourth miscarriage, my husband and I are starting to consider adoption. I checked mdc figuring they would have a group centered around adopting and was SHOCKED to see that there is none. Does anyone know who to contact to start a new group/ forum (I do not know all of the correct terms)? I need support about reaching this decision and ALL that it involves, and I want to help others too. Please share your thoughts. Thanks.

[Laurel]

There is not a tribe for adoption here, but there have been many threads on the topic. There is currently an active thread in the parenting issues forum--check it out. We have many adoptive mamas here at mdc, a number of adoptees, and even some birthmoms.

I've heard in the past that if there were enough interest and support of adoption threads, we could have our own forum, but I've yet to see the kind of participation that would be needed. I know I have other places where I go for the bulk of my adoption support, but I'm always interested in talking adoption.

I'm a mom through adoption to an 8-month-old boy who came after 7 years of infertility. I hope you will consider it further because it really is a wonderful way to build your family, though definitely not easy. Please feel free to ask any questions or bounce thoughts/feelings off of me or anybody else around here. We have lots of experiences with various types--international, domestic infant, open adoptions, etc.

[waldohood]

Wow- it sounds like you will be a great resource. I need to work on getting my thoughts together, but you will definitely be hearing from me. Thank you for responding.

Peace,
Michelle

[Laurel]

I should clarify--my personal experience is with a domestic infant adoption, but there are others here at mdc with other experiences. I just realized that my post made it sound like I personally had done all those different types of aodptions!

[Nemmer]

I too can vouch that adoption is a wonderful experience! I have an 11 month old son through adoption, after 8 years of trying to conceive. Mine was also a domestic adoption, and we have an open, but confidential relationship with his birthmother. Meaning, we exchange letters and pictures through the agency, but we don't know identifying info about each other (last names, addresses, etc). It is a wonderful relationship! Anyway, I'll be happy to help answer questions where I can, as well.

[sugarmoon]

Don't know what kind of adoption you're considering. I am a foster parent and work part-time as a post-adoption case manager with families who adopted children from the foster care system. If you're interested in going that route, I can babble on and on

[mama2m&m]

I just wanted to chime in as the parent of an international adoptee. It's how we started our family and our son (Korean born) is simply a joy! Depending on which route you go, there are so many good and respectable resources out there.

The best thing to do is start attending the information seminars that agencies usually hold for prospective adoptive parents for free and collecting information packets. And there are lots of good books to read out there as well. I might even have a few left that I'm planning to get rid of.

I'd love to chat as adoption is near and dear to my heart, so feel free to pm or email me!

BTW, I'm so sorry to hear of your losses. Hugs to you!

[waldohood]

Thank you.
There are so many books available- I do not know which are good and which are not- any suggestions would be great.
We are SO in the early stages. I am trying to work through the "pros" and "cons" right now- if cultural differences can be insurmountable, or if I will be able to equip myself with enough support and knowledge to be able to ride the waves, nursing, etc etc etc etc etc etc. there is just SO much to it that I am only now starting to dig into. I will keep you posted on my learning process and progress (I have a hysteroscopy on May 20 and I think alot will depend on that). In the meantime, please continue to share your wisdom.

Peace,
Michelle

[geekmom]

I'm a foster-adopt mom too. I always enjoy talking to others about the joy of adopting.

[Amazlilith]

I'm a fost-adopt mom too!

I love to discuss this subject...let's talk away

[Laurel]

Book recommendations

I think the following books would be good to read:

"The Idiot's Guide to Adoption", by Christine Adamec. This is a good, easy-to-read intro to adoption in general. It overviews the different types (domestic, international, foster, infant, older child, agency, private, etc.).

"Adopting After Infertility" by Patricia Irwin Johnston. This one is a good one to help you sort out your feelings about adoption and your readiness to adopt.

Pick up a few issues of "Adoptive Families Magazine" to get a feel for the kinds of issues adoptive families are facing with their children. You can get it at a store like Borders or Barnes and Noble, or I know they have a website (don't know the url).

[LisainCalifornia]

We adopted Emma from China 2 years ago (she was one year old when we got her--and will be 3 next week!) and has been indescribably wonderful for us. I initially got lots of support from www.fertilethoughts.com They have a good, active adoption board there--both domestic and international.

Good luck!
Lisa

[waldohood]

Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!!!!!!

[MamaJosie]

Although it is not an adoption site....

I have also seen alot of threads on adoption at Amitymama.com (my online home) You have to register (its fast and free) to get to the market board and you can post or search adoption. Here are some examples of replies to a recent thread on adoption :

original post:
I have always wanted to adopt. I had always thought I couldn't have children because of ovarian cysts, irregular periods, and a family history of endometriosis and ovarian/uterine cancer...and then I got pregnant at 19 - surprise sursprise! All right, so I still want to adopt a baby, perhaps in the next few years when things are more stable (DH is in the Army but is betting out due to heart complications). My question is, how did you mamas who have adopted, or know families who have, afford it? I have researched adoption on the internet and see that it costs from $10,000 to $25,000? I would pay any price to adopt, it's just that we are not exactly well off, kwim? Do you pay all at once? Or in payments? And did anyone breastfeed their adopted baby? Did you get to attend the birth and then the baby was handed to you? (I always think about this, and wonder if I can be in the delivery room, and then breastfeed the baby right away). Thanks for any info. mamas

reply:
We adopted our first two children.

Oldest ds was adopted from Lima, Peru. He came home at 6 months after 15 weeks and three trips back and forth to Peru. With travel and fees (lawyer, homestudy, documentation, physicals, psychologicals, etc.), it ran between 12,000 and 15,000 in 1989-1990.

Dd was adopted from Santa Cruz, Bolivia. She came home at 6 weeks after one 2 1/2 week trip to Bolivia. Same set of fees running around the same price in 1993(travel much less due to one trip and much more knowledge of the travel industry including agencies and airlines offering open ended tickets, etc.).

Our agency is Villa Hope in Birmingham, AL. You don't have to live there or anything. I cannot say enough good about them. They are absolutely trememdous. It was born out of mission work by one of the director's husbands. They still do a great deal of humanitarian work in different countries. They have a lot of programs. The address is: http://www.villahope.org/index.htm

We got loans both times. People don't blink an eye financing a 20,,000 car or running up a 10,000 credit card debt on clothes and meals out, but for some reason hesitate about financing an adoption. Babies are the one thing that appreciate FOREVER, too!!!!

Let me know if I can help any more.

reply:
If you're not set on a having a healthy white newborn, it doesn't have to cost much at all. Our son's adoption (african american, genetic disorder, toddler) all told ended up costing us under 200 dollars. We adopted through the state department of children's services.

Literally, all it cost us was 35 dollars each to be fingerprinted at the police station and our copays for our physicals at the doctor's office, then miscellanious expenses for fedexing some paperwork, and then 20 dollars to have one document notarized at the bank. There are so many child who are wards of the state that need homes. Not all of them are tiny adorable newborns, but they're still innocent, wonderful children who need a mommy and daddy. We don't get to pick the health of the children we birth, and we still love them. I get really squicked out when I hear people picking out an adoptive child as if they were ordering him/her custom built from the factory.

good luck, and if I can be of any help, let me know.

reply:
I agree-there are so many african american babies waiting for happy homes

Some have health issues & some are perfectly healthy-just without a mama & papa.

I'd love to adopt-and know that one day I will-but not until I'm financially able to provide for him/her as I have for my bio children. (having one more bio-and then re-evaluating) More than one more would likely push us over the financial edge (there is one of those, isn't there?)

Contact your local DHS and ask questions about their protocol. Maybe ask for literature from them? HTH

reply:
i LOVE to talk about this!!
Thanks Cheryl..... here's me!
let's see there's so much to say - plus i am nak (yes my adopted 4 wk old) - she isn't a surrogate adoption, just reg domestic nb adoption. We adopted both of our daughters (son is bio via IVF/ICSI which was a miracle that i don't want to try and recreate!) Our circumstances have both been super unique in that we didn't even pursue them, they both sorta 'happened' to us - as huge welcome blessings! i am kinda hurrying right now, but will happily answer any questions thru a post or pm's or whatever.
the financial aspect can be daunting - it was for us. however there a tax law called Hope for Children that just was revised in a great way last year (or year before?) - you can claim up to $10,000 of ur adoption expenses on ur taxes & get it back. so u can borrow the $ u need knowing that u'll be reimbursed w/in a year or so. luckily for us both of our adoptions spanned a new year which broke it up some if that makes any sense. so we could use the tax $$ from one yr's return to pay for the rest of the costs. There are even loans for adoptions - many of these resources can be found at the various websites for adoption.
breastfeeding - YES! great resource for it is http://www.fourfriends.com/abrw/ Adoptive Breastfding Resource Website. bfding in dlvry room depends on the hospital's policy. my dd #1 was far away in n ohio & came prematurely so i missed her birth sadly tho i was invited to attend it by her birthmother. when i got there A was 36 hrs old (18 hr drive, no flights, long story) & the nurses encouraged me to get on with bfding but surrepticiously mainly b/c bmom wasn't keen on it. not the fact that i was doing ad bfd'g but breastfeeding generally she didn't like. this time for dd #2, the birth was local & i was there which was unbelieveably wonderful, BUT b/c dd was a csection baby in a very non-AP hosp, they only let me hold her a little bit b4 whisking her away to stabilize her temps - said she wouldn't be able to bfd til then which candy (ccorley) can attest was a loooong 7 hours! in fact our bmom & i had to meet w/admin people at the hosp the week before to get PERMISSION for me to breastfeed the baby. We finally explained that we ummm didn't need their permission, i had bmom's support & it wasn't really anything to do w/the hospital thank you very much. They saw reason when bmom mentioned calling Right to Life to tell them how hard this hospital was making this whole process, well they became very co-operative. Seraphina has an awesome, strong birthmother to whom we will be forever grateful for her choice.
oh this got long didn't it. and i'm not really finished, but must stop now. anyone with any further questions don't hesitate. ask away. Here's my true honest feeling about adoption & i'll bet other adoptive parents would agree: Your child will find you, and things will work out in every way for it to happen. You will be amazed & humbled by the whole experience and well, your life will be blessed beyond belief.

reply:
Hi mama

We have adopted twice. Once was overseas and yes, there was a expense. We were only making $19,000 a year at the time of this adoption. We sold everything we could possibly part with. We convinced the agency to take payments, and we also had me earn my lodging by staying at another area orphanage and help out while I was there. I also stayed with folks all along the way so I did not have any room/board expense while I was in Mexico for a month.

Don't let the expense part scare you....we did it on a really low salary. A way will always open up.

Our second adoption was stateside. I could have gone early and been in the delivery room but we could not afford for me to go two weeks before birth moms due date and just sit and wait. (we were only making $27,000 at this point)

We borrowed the $ for my plane ticket and the rest of the $ came from us saving our tax return. I was able to hold our daughter when she was only 20 hours old! The hospitals lactation consultant was right there and helped me breastfeed our new baby. It really was a great experience.

There are a lot of "if's" and things to scare a person off in adoption, but don't let it deter you! Things really do have a way of working out.

Best wishes on your decisions.

[MamaJosie]

Another thing...

I wanted to ask and I hope it doesnt sound way too nosey but do you know what is causing your miscarriages? I have heard of too many women who had MANY miscarriages like you and finally figured out low progesterone was the cause. A cream that you rub into your skin will up your levels and several women (also from amitymama.com) have talked about this and many been able to hold on to their pregnancies by using progesterone cream before conception (or sometimes after when they started spotting etc) and throughout the pregnancy. Just wanted to mention that and hope I didnt offend...

Also, I have a few international orphanges that I have sent cloth dipes to and such and I wanted to post a few links - one is in South Africa, one the Ukraine and one in Haiti. I have 3 bio kids but am extremely called to adopt but my dh may never be on board with me...

South Africa:
http://www.holeinthewall.org.za/

Ukraine:
http://www.ukrainianangels.org/

Haiti:
http://www.adoptionnet.org/orphanage.html

[steph]

just wanted to add myself to the list of adoptive moms here - we brought dd home when she was 2 days old - she'll be 2 yrs. old next month!! we did a domestic, open adoption - we were chosen by dd's birthmom, met her at the hospital and send her photos and letters. it's wonderfull! our wait time was short (9 mos. from the time we started), and our agency was fantastic!! like others, i always enjoy talking about adoption if someone is interested.... it's been the biggest blessing in our lives!

[waldohood]

MamaJosie-
No- not nosey at all!

Unfortunately, we do NOT know what is causing the miscarriages (or, at least two or maybe three of them), although we are working on it. We do know some things that are NOT to blame. The first miscarriage was definitely caused by a septum (we saw that on an ultrasound), but that was removed after the second miscarriage (which they do not think was caused by the septum due to the timing but cannot be sure). We have had blood work done. My progesterone levels are at the "low end of average" so I went on progesterone suppositories for the last pregnancy but it did not help. Chromosome tests, lupus, clotting factor, thyroid, etc etc etc have all come back negative. I have a hysteroscopy and possible laparoscopy scheduled for May 20th and we hope to find out then. I have been on Chlomiphine, have done the temp charting. I ovulate like a champ- we have gotten pregnant 5 out of 6 tries, but unfortunatley can only kiss one of our children.

Any ideas, PLEASE throw them at me. I love to hear everyone's stories. I am interested in nursing an adopted baby, as well as supporting each family member's culture- how to help when they start to ask "Why are our skin colors different?" or whatever, and also, helping older siblings to adjust. Etc etc etc etc etc!

In the menatime, thank you for your interest in helping.
Peace,
M

[Tigeresse]

Hi everyone!

So excited to see this board here! I'd like to chime in as another adoptive mommy-to-be. We are in the authentication stage of preparing our dossier for China. If all goes well, we should be meeting our daughter summer/fall 2004. The adoption experience so far has been wonderful, as we have a very supportive and helpful agency we're working with.

Waldohood,

I share many of your concerns/interests around adoption, and continue to educate myself as we go through the process. I have learned just how very important it is to integrate the child's birth culture into your family's life and to help give your child a strong cultural identity. Fortunately, there are tons of resources out there to help support interracial families. including lots of books written for very young adoptees. We also have 3 bio sons, and have tried very hard to involve them in this process, just as they (except the youngest, of course) were involved in my pregnancies and present at their younger brothers' births. We have been studying China and even did a 4H project for our international fair. We hope our oldest will be able to travel to China w/dh, but obviously we will have to wait to see how things go over there.

I also hope to breastfeed my daughter, and since my youngest is still nursing (and may not wean by then!) I hope it will be fairly easy to relactate. However, she may be around a year old when she comes home, so I can't imagine she will know what to do so I may have to settle for pumping. I know w/domestic adoption babies are usually newborn, making it much easier to establish breasfeeding.

I know there is really so much to think about, we researched and talked about it for almost a year before finally filling out that application and getting the ball rolling. There is a ton of paper work and hoop-jumping, but I think that works to reinforce you on your path.

Well, I could go on but the hour grows late....

Looking forward to more great discussions on this board.

[steph]

waldohood and tigress, i'm assuming you both know about the website for adoptive bfeeding, but in case you don't, check out www.fourfriends.com there's a button there for abw - or something like that - which is the adoption bfeeding discussion board... i spent alot of time there before dd arrived, asked lots of questions and learned alot. you both have the advantage of having had bio. children - i've barely been pg!( miscarriage and ecoptic pg - both at around 8 wks)... bfeeding is such a wonderfull way to bond w/a little one - and on that site, there are a number of ladies who've adopted older infants/toddlers and were able to establish a nursing relationship... anyway - best wishes to you both!!

[Tigeresse]

Thanks, Steph. I'll check that out.