WWYD? I want to quit...

[paxye]

not quit breastfeeding of course!!!

I am a peer-to-peer breastfeeding councelor... I really enjoy it most of the time but it does have its ups and downs... I love giving prenatals, seeing new babes and helping with breastfeeding etc...

Right now I am having a down moment which comes once in a while... most of the girls that I try to help don't listen to the advice, lie about giving bottles of formula (but then complain because they are not producing enough milk), have scary mainstream views (CIO, schedules etc) ad ust everything else that makes my "job" harder and hard to stomach.

Anyways... a few things happened lately...
a while ago a mom found my name on a babywearing site and gave me a call and I went over and showed her a few carriers (I sell a few things from home) I went over and we started to talk and I ended up staying there for about 2 1/2 hours... she asked me tons of questions about my "non-mainstream" views and one of the things was about Solids... I told her what we did (started on finger foods etc at about 9-10 months and that I don't believe in giving purreed foods or cereal) anyways... she also found out that I was a councelor. A few weeks later she called me again fr breastfeeding advice and also because the doc said to start giving solids and she tried but that her dd didn't like it... I told her to just wait until her dd was ready...
Another mom was going to the center (where I volunteer) for mom and tot group etc and was given advice to make her 8 month old ds CIO because he wasn't yet sleeping though the night... they workers there (mostly social workers etc) told her about the ferber method and said that it was gentle and that it had to be done. The mom called me soon after and asked me advice because it didn't feel right to her. I told her that it was because it was not right and told her my POV...
Well... my advice came back and bit me in the butt... now the woman in charge of the peer-to-peer group and the director of the center want to talk to me because they say that I should "reflect" their views about certain things in the community...
They want me to go for a "meeting" but I asked to know what about before I go in... I was told basically that saying my views about solids and CIO etc was against their policies and I should not be telling a mom to ignore what her doc said (a doc that I have already talked about here that believes that CIO should be done at 2 months and that breastfeeding should stop at 6 months etc) or tell a mom to ignore what the social workers at the center said...

I have been contiplating on quitting anyways... no only because I have to often put my views aside when giving advice when I beleive that I am represnting the center but the two incidents that they want to talk to me about are part of my everyday life IMO... why should I have to keep my mouth shut when I am seeing a mom about a wrap, on my own time? Why should I have to tell a mom to do something that is against her instincts?

I love helping moms breastfeed, I love giving advice and teaching, I love being part of their success when things work out. I really feel the need to help these new moms and there are already not many of us volunteering... but where do I draw the line... For me this was the last straw... I really don't want to quit, but I feel that they are trying to dictate what I say in my private time....
I have to admit that I am very emotional and hormonal at the moment too... so I might be over reacting... but really... I feel that it is just too much dictating... about a year ago I starting working on becoming a LLL Leader and was told that because the views are a bit "conficting" with the center that I would no longer be able to volunteer there if I chose the LLL... since there are no LLL meetings here or in the region it would have meant that choosing the LLL would mean that I would only be able to help moms that seek me out (and in this little town moms do not know what the LLL is)... so it would have meant helping a lot less helping moms....
so I decided I would rather help more moms even if it meant putting away certain views while I did... but now... ughh....

WWYD?

[AidansMommy1012]

Oh my. Personally, I would quit and go with being a LLL Leader. People may not know what LLL is, but that doesn't mean you can't educate them about it. Advertise your meetings in the paper and wherever you can put up signs. I've found that once people dicover how wonderful breastfeeding and AP can be, it tends to have a ripple effect. My best friend recently had a baby and breastfeeds, cosleeps, you name it, because she saw how great it was for me. A mutual friend of ours is pregnant with her first and intends to breastfeed and has adopted AP views because my girlfriend and I sang its praises. And another friend, who ff her first and is trying to conceive her second, is planning on breastfeeding. And it goes on and on. A LLL in town could be a godsend for some women. Don't compromise yourself!

[LionTigerBear]

Uggh, I don't think you're overreacting at all, I would be mad if I were you. Especially when they bug you about things you said on your personal time. !?!?! I would quit if I were you . . . there are other ways that you can be an influence for good, you know?

[Sharondio]

Go talk to them. If they're going to censor you beyond what you're comfortable with, then quit.

If you're acting as an agent of them, you do have to be very careful about contradicting doctor's advice. They're responding to the possible liability aspect of it. I know some LLL leaders who are unhappy with how stringently LLL polices what their leaders can say. A few of them have gotten quite adept at making it clear when they were "wearing their LLL hat" and when they were sharing personal opinion/experiences with someone. Perhaps you can offer this up as an option? That is you can't say, "That doctor is a moron, do this," but you can say "well, this isn't the official advice of XXX, but here is what worked for me."

Sometimes the hardest places to be a lactivist are the places that need it most.

[paxye]

Thanks for the replies

I am still not certain that I am going to go... I think my hormones are a bit too crazy to go into that office and "defend" myself infront of two people: I am in a mood lately that I shed tears at the drop of a hat...

They want to see me on Tuesday and are waiting for me to call them back to say if I can go in or not... I don't even want to call.... I feel really bitter right now I think...

[Benji'sMom]

I actually would go to the meeting because I don't think social workers should be telling mothers that they "have to" ferberize their babies. It seems to me that the women at this center are probably the underpriviledged type of mom, so they're actually the ones who need you the most. I would stay there if there's any way possible to stay there. Because I don't think they should be teaching moms that there's one right way to parent, which is basically what they are doing. How in the world can that have a policy against NOT making a baby CIO? That doesn't even make sense! What kind of policy is that! That's a mother's choice, not a social worker's choice! That's just wrong to do that! (Of course I know they've worn you down and you're pregnant and all, but I think you could do a lot of good for a lot of moms if you stay there, if at all possible.)

[AmieV]

gosh, that's tough. I wouldn't throw in the towel just yet, at least not until you've done all the training to be a LLL leader because it can take awhile and these mom's need you. I also agree you can advertise all over the place for LLL and make it work.

If you opt to go to the meeting, I'd turn this around on them, and ask why you're being told to offer up advice that contradicts the AAP (I can't remember what the Canadian version of this is?) I'm saying this mainly in response to the weaning at 6 months thing. The other stuff, can they truly dictate what you tell them in your off time? I would just find out what they want you to do. See if they're fine with you delivering the "party line" and then offering what you did in your own life.

What they're taking issue with I'm sure is saying things like you don't believe in cereal and purees and that CIO is "not right." I bet if you delivered it more like, "Some people do start solids now, but some opt to wait until the baby can feed themself for a variety of health reasons." or "Sleep training is widely accepted in our culture. But if you don't feel right about it or don't think that's what you want to do, there are other options." Then you've opened the door for them to ask more questions on their own but still have delivered their official advice. It may be too hard on you to compromise your values like this to make these statements so you'll have to decide. But, you technically are representing the agency that you're working for...I don't think you should have to necessarily completely endorse everthing they say, but I can see why they wouldn't want you badmouthing it...it makes them look bad, even if the advice is not good, it's what they represent. It would almost be like a LLL leader saying "Well, LLL says breastfeeding is best, but I think formula is just fine too." KWIM? good luck with whatever you decide.

[lillake]

Ugh! I'd let them know that giving out advice like that goes against your morals and against your instincts, then I'd quit. But be sure to let your mamas know so they can get a hold of you for good advice.

[Peony]

That sucks. : I definately think you can make LLL work. I'm a leader in a rural area, I am the sole leader for about 200 miles in any direction, farther in some areas. I get phone calls from all over, it has taken alot of work and effort but I actually had to stop putting notices in the paper and hanging flyers everywhere because I couldn't keep up anymore. I knew I needed a little break when this baby comes. One of the best things I did was contact a family center 35 miles away, I made friends with the director there, I actually hold meetings at their center and she gives my # to any new mom with questions. Good luck, I hope you find what you are looking for.

[yasmel]

I completely understand. That's why I changed positions at the hosp. I work at. I got tired of seeing babies in the nursery w/ bleeding butts because the nurses wouldn't change the diapers on time. Preemies that needed stitches on their heels because the phlebotomists wanted to get the blood fast and scraped the feet. Moms w/ leaking breasts that didn't want to bf. I used to go to work stressed out so that's when I decided to change to an office position. I miss the babies but I needed my sanity.
Good luck in whatever you decide.

[eepster]

Considering that you are a VOLUNTEER you should go to that meeting and say to them "this is how I feel about this and if you don't like it then I can become a LLL leader and do this with out you." Let them decide if a dedicated volunteer is important to them, or if the most important thing to them is not letting mothers know that there is more than 1 way to do things. They need you more than you need them whether or not they know it. If they choose to continue to be closed minded to the point that having someone tell moms that they can make their own decisions scares them, then it's their choice.

[Fiercemama]

Well, I have a bia (I'm a leader), but I think that one of the benefits of working withing LLL vs. other bfing volunteerism is that things are pretty clear. As a leader, you are representing a clearly outlined philosophy. I do not personally find it difficult to make a separation between between representing LLL and representing my own parenting views outside of my LLL work.

I also find that LLL has wonderful resources and support to leaders as far as communication skills go, including how to handle your own biases when you are working with a mother, and what do do when the mother tells you that advice from her health care provider is in conflict with either A) LLL philosophy or current breastfeeding information, or B) the mother's instincts. Our goal is not necessarily to have every mother naturally wean her child, but to empower mothers to make their own informed decisions.

Sounds to me like there is a big demand for your help in your community, regardless of which route you choose. Being a lone leader can be a lot of work, but you might very quickly find an ally!

[rachelsmama]

Your sanity should come first for the sake of yourself and your family.

On a mischievious note, if you stop vollunteering and become a LLL leader couldn't you still go to parent and tot type programs as a participant and simply keep your ears open for any oportunity to educate? Kind of an undercover agent.

Good luck with everything.

Charlene

[sparklefairy]

Consider this:

LLL Leaders are not supposed to tell women to "ignore" their doctors either. Or when giving information about solids (for example) give their own experience as an example. Or bad mouth a local clinic by name. (I'm not saying you would do that.)

How might you offer different information to a mom? There are so many resources, scientifically based, that make clear the dangers of CIO for a 2 month old, stopping breastfeeding prematurely at 6 months, etc. etc.

Hopefully you can keep a bridge there and they will refer to you as a LLL Leader!

[paxye]

Well... the deal is that I when I wanted to become a LLL Leader they really didn't want me to because of their own biases against the LLL... the director of the center was also one of the founders and one of their first missions was to provide LLL support outside of the LLL because of a bad experience...
Not only that but they do not like LC's either.... So, because this center has such a high standing in the community (and is the only one in the whole region) they have squashed all attempts for people to start LLL meetings around here and have even succesfully driven away the only LC that practiced around here....
They are a great resource for the community but more and more I see that they are very harsh against anything and anyone that may become between them and their funding... (the more moms come to them the more money they get)

I know how the LLL works and I know how the info was given in the meetings and I completely understand that some view just have to be kept to ourselves most of the time...

There are so many issues that I have had to deal with that I don't agree with at all... but I do it... I have no problem with that... what I have a problem with is the fact that I was not at all wearing my "volunteer" hat at the time.... I was just visiting a mom that found my name on my distributer's site and was at her home on my own time showing her wraps and slings and happened to talk about many things which one was solids and another was breastfeeding and the fact that I am a councelor...
If I was there for a breastfeeding reason, or she would have called me for that reason I would have handled it differently...

I think that I am just a bit : right now...

However, I also don't think that the LLL would work around here.... and even if I did it goes down to another problem...
I am a member and known by LLL Canada and I started the process with them (referals, attendance etc), however, here there are no english moms in my region so an english group would never work, and of course I could try to do it in french BUT LLL Canada is not the same thing as LLL quebec, so I would have to become a member of Ligue La Leche and do the whole process with them seperately... which is another thing that was holding me back....

Though I love helping and I love what I do, I am just getting more and more the feeling that I can't represent this center anymore... I have been conflicted for a while now, but this may just be the last straw...

Anyways... thanks for the comments... I really appreciate it...

[eepster]

Have you considered starting an Attachment Parenting International group instead of a LLL. It's a general parenting thing and not just BF. Judging from your last post it sounds like your area could really use someone to let moms know that not everyone does things the centers way.

[LoveChild421]

Is there any way you can have a meeting with them and bring along a portfolio of evidence that your positions on CIO and solids are the ones supported by numerous articles and well-respected researchers, doctors, etc.? You can get a lot of stuff from the stickies at the top of the Family Bed forum and breastfeeding forum. Even Dr. Ferber himself renounced his method!

It isn't as if you just "feel" a certain way- you are right and there is tons of evidence to back you up!

Maybe if you come in there armed with facts they will back down or maybe even realize the error of their beliefs.

[AmieV]

oh, ick. They're a lot worse than I thought. I'd just go to the meeting and tel them exactly what you're telling us, that you weren't representing them at the time of those conversations, and if they want you to present their policies all the time in your private life, that they'd either better get with the times and stop endorsing such crap advice, or find themselves a new volunteer.

I feel for you, and all the mamas that live in your area. How sucky that these guys have monopolized the system.

[Lil'M]

paxye
I am a member and known by LLL Canada and I started the process with them (referals, attendance etc), however, here there are no english moms in my region so an english group would never work, and of course I could try to do it in french BUT LLL Canada is not the same thing as LLL quebec, so I would have to become a member of Ligue La Leche and do the whole process with them seperately... which is another thing that was holding me back....

When you become a leader, you are accredited by La Leche League International. I'm pretty sure that all around the world, you are then a leader, regardless of which country, region, or language you were accredited in. If you began the process with Ligue La Leche, you would have to do it with their process, but if you continue with LLL Canada and get accredited with them, then you should be able to still be a leader where you are.

I'm sorry you are in such a tough situation. You have a wonderful heart for giving to others this way and I'm sure those who come in contact with you benefit, no matter what organization you are representing.

[Synchro246]

Originally Posted by paxye

Well... the deal is that I when I wanted to become a LLL Leader they really didn't want me to because of their own biases against the LLL... the director of the center was also one of the founders and one of their first missions was to provide LLL support outside of the LLL because of a bad experience...
it...

I only got to read up to post 16. . .
OK
I would find out what that bad experience was. If it was being pressured to do something she didn't want to do-- and what else could it be that would actually matter against all of LLL?-- then you have ammo right there.
i don't know if I am making sense, but I would bet that whatever their problem with LLL is could be turned around and shown to be a problem with their program.
I would go to the meeting with refrences to informaiton that indicates that CIO could be harmful, & that a late start to solids isn't harmful. This way, at least you are presenting evidence based stuff. Say that you don't out-and-out contradict the doc, but when a woman is rejecting the doctors advice you allow her to explore different thoughts. THAT IS THE PATIENT'S RIGHT.
If you are like me (and it sounds like you are) I would probably end up shakey and crying. It's OK.
And tell them that when you are off duty you talk about the way you do things with other moms and that they as your volunteer-boss don't have the right to stop you.
I wouldn't quit, and I wouldn't "let them" dismiss me either (as much as I could). If they are insistant that you support CIO- then Be insistant right back that they show you quality studies that show that CIO isn't harmful.

good luck with whatever you decide!