Talk to me about my space - Page 3

[moonfirefaery]

I didn't mean anything by it as related to you. You're assuming that I'm stating you let your daughter run totally free, when I'm not. "Run totally free," for the record, meant that I won't be allowing my children to go on the internet without any supervision, hoping that dinner talks keep them from befriending pedophiles & posting ror viewing inappropriate things. That I might not be interested in my child's conversations onlne is no reason for me not to monitor them. While most kids do just use MySpace to talk to kids, there are people that will lie and pretend to be kids that attend the same school, to bait them into meeting them--and then guess what? No more kiddo.

I don't expect to supervise teens' internet use 100% of the time, but I do intend to talk about internet safety, check after them to see what they are doing, etc. Even a teen who has been taught well can still be fooled. And there is NO WAY that dinner talks will ever cover every single scenario that a person may encounter in cyberspace. It's not that I won't be trusting my teen. It's that I don't trust the rest of the world. A lot of kids whose parents think they are wonderfully mature are quite manipulative. Even children with good relationships with their parents may still need guidance when online. I don't think we should 'worry' about Myspace or the internet, but I do think we should be careful.

Also, something characteristic to teens is that they don't always know when they are in over their heads. Trusting your teen to come to you if they do feel in over their heads is great, but believing that a teen will always be able to evualuate a situation and tell it's out of control seems a bit much to expect.

All I'm saying is...know who your kids are talking to & what they are talking about.

I wouldn't ban myspace unless it was endangering them.

[Charliemae]

I just wanted to give another POV. I'm 19 and have had a myspace for awhile now. I have a few things to add. One is that on myspace you have compleate control over who your friends are. Only your friends can add a comment, but any one can send a messege. You also have the option of blocking people so if you have problems with some girls then it's easy to fix. Younger teens profiles are automaticly privet so no one can see them except for the people on their friends list. Simply put myspace has added a lot of safty nets since all the troubles came out in the media.

The other thing I have to say is that, as parents I think the job is more to know if you can trust YOUR child. There were points in my own personal devlopment that I know I couldn't be trusted, and my parents knew it as well.

[LeilaLuv]

I have some input as well. Im 20 and recently deleted my account there. I had it since I was 15 or 16. I met many kool people thaere and many pervs too. Theres ALL sorts of people there and if ur child isnt mature enough to make correct choices then they have no business there.

IMO no child has ANY business on there. Even if u constantly "check" u have NO idea how clever kids are now a days. IMO "child on internet = parent in room" wether u trust ur child or not. Kids are easily tempted and the moment ur not there, they will find a way to get at what they want or are suggested to do.

ALso, try to limit any kind of camera use. I couldnt tell u how many 13 year olds I ran into that had the most explicit stuff out there.YUCK.
I can honestly say, if I hadnt met my husband (No, i didnt meet him there lol) I would have gone"wild" eventually. Thats not who I really am, but hey its what everyone is into now a days. My parents NEVER snooped or looked, I had my own computer and they had no clue what i was up to.( I wish they had)

My parents borught be up with dignity and self respect and morality. So posting provocative pics wasnt first on my mind, but I can assure you, a young mind can easily be pulled in the wrong direction when a parent isnt there to guide.

Myspace isntthe only place out ther elike that. Theres Xanga, and many others, but myspace is the most popular. So if ur child has good intentions, that great, but if ur gonna let them, then be there.

[UnschoolnMa]

Originally Posted by Dar

So maybe the underlying issue is the kind of relationship kids have with their parents, and myspace is just one way problems might be expressed... if you ban myspace, maybe they'll sneak out and meet guys for sex in vans, or whatever, or call them on the phone and plan it, or discuss it at school... myspace is a vehicle for communication, neither good nor bad in and of itself. If you trust your child and her ability to make good decisions and to call you when she's in over her head, then you don't need to worry about my space. If not, then I think the underlying problem is a lot deeper than having a myspace or not.

I agree that this is the issue. It comes down to relationship.

[Tinas3muskateers]

Originally Posted by LeilaLuv

I have some input as well. Im 20 and recently deleted my account there. I had it since I was 15 or 16. I met many kool people thaere and many pervs too. Theres ALL sorts of people there and if ur child isnt mature enough to make correct choices then they have no business there.

IMO no child has ANY business on there. Even if u constantly "check" u have NO idea how clever kids are now a days. IMO "child on internet = parent in room" wether u trust ur child or not. Kids are easily tempted and the moment ur not there, they will find a way to get at what they want or are suggested to do.

ALso, try to limit any kind of camera use. I couldnt tell u how many 13 year olds I ran into that had the most explicit stuff out there.YUCK.
I can honestly say, if I hadnt met my husband (No, i didnt meet him there lol) I would have gone"wild" eventually. Thats not who I really am, but hey its what everyone is into now a days. My parents NEVER snooped or looked, I had my own computer and they had no clue what i was up to.( I wish they had)

My parents borught be up with dignity and self respect and morality. So posting provocative pics wasnt first on my mind, but I can assure you, a young mind can easily be pulled in the wrong direction when a parent isnt there to guide.

Myspace isntthe only place out ther elike that. Theres Xanga, and many others, but myspace is the most popular. So if ur child has good intentions, that great, but if ur gonna let them, then be there.

You have a point about the camera. Some of those girls on there have some seriously racey pics and to find out they are 13-14 years of age makes me really sad and upset that no parent is taking any interest what this child is doing online. I have no issue with a teen going on Myspace or Xanga but as you stated you had better be there to keep an watchful eye.

[robin4kids]

You should know everything your child says on myspace!!!

OMG! you should know everything that is discussed on your child's myspace. You as a parent should know how to look at every site your child has visited. You should NEVER allow your child to go on the internet in their room. There should never be a private conversation going on. Just last week a 12 year old girl was almost picked up a a private school, by a man she met on her myspace. Lucky for her the school would not let her go with him. Too many parents are giving their kids computers and free internet. Don't be your child's friend, be their parent. Put your foot down. They can have their privacy when they move out!

[Dar]

Originally Posted by robin4kids

Put your foot down. They can have their privacy when they move out!

This just doesn't spound like the way to create a relationship of mutual trust with a teen, ya know? I'm imagine that the teen years would end up being all about your kids trying to sneak something past you and you trying to "catch" them, and that doesn't appeal to me...

dar

[ananas]

Originally Posted by LeilaLuv

I have some input as well. Im 20 and recently deleted my account there. I had it since I was 15 or 16.

IMO no child has ANY business on there. Even if u constantly "check" u have NO idea how clever kids are now a days. IMO "child on internet = parent in room"

Thats not who I really am, but hey its what everyone is into now a days. My parents NEVER snooped or looked, I had my own computer and they had no clue what i was up to.( I wish they had)

My parents borught be up with dignity and self respect and morality. So posting provocative pics wasnt first on my mind, but I can assure you, a young mind can easily be pulled in the wrong direction when a parent isnt there to guide.

I completely agree with your entire post- I joined MySpace when I was about 14, and recently deleted my account. The entire site is pretty disgusting.

I also agree with the fact that kids are clever- most kids know how to delete their internet history, including all viewed sites, and most know how to "hide" what they're looking at by quickly switching to a new window.

And, lastly, this part of your post applied to me, too: I had my own computer and they had no clue what i was up to.( I wish they had)

I did a lot of things that I regret now, because of MySpace. Stuff that wasn't me, and entirely went against how I had been brought up. Had I not been on MySpace, I never would have done it, but it's so easy to be tricked and tempted when you're young.

I don't even have children yet, so I won't have to deal with this issue for a long time, but my children's internet use will be supervised (as in, me sitting next to them while they're using the computer), and MySpace will definitely not be allowed.

[UnschoolnMa]

Originally Posted by robin4kids

OMG! you should know everything that is discussed on your child's myspace. You as a parent should know how to look at every site your child has visited. You should NEVER allow your child to go on the internet in their room. There should never be a private conversation going on...............

...... Don't be your child's friend, be their parent. Put your foot down. They can have their privacy when they move out!

I disagree with every single statement above. That's got to be some kind of record, right? The story about the girl is scary and unfortunate. It happens, but MySpace didn't make the girl do it. Decisions decisions decisions- and they are all made by people.

Seriously though, no freaking way. I treat my children the way I like to be treated, and the way I hope they will treat others. There ARE other ways to create trust and safety. My family, and other families are proof that it can be done no question about it!

ETA: My son showed me how to delete my history

[moonfirefaery]

I agree that children need privacy, for sure... they do not, however, need completely unlimited privacy in every area, especially when that total privacy could endanger them. If I treated my child as I wanted to be treated, letting him do as he pleased, he'd have been run over by a car now. It is my job as a parent to protect him. If I were in his position, if I were a teen, I might not at that time want my privacy invaded...but I would most definitely be grateful for it later. My job is to do what is best for my child, not treat him like an adult while he is still a child. That is, I think, one of the worse things I could do to my child, just like trying my dog like a human would be bad.

[Dar]

Is it treating a child "like an adult" if you respect his privacy, trust in his ability to make his own decisions, respect his autonomy, and trust that he will come to you when he needs help? Really, if it is then I've been treating my child "like an adult" for her entire life... and I have to say that it's worked very well for us.

I think the other part of the equation is that I have a strong bond with my child - we spend a lot of time together, we enjoy each other's company, and we help each other out all the time. I've "protected" her by being there for her when she needed me, and empowering her to protect herself.

Honestly, my teen has no desire to have sex with strangers, or go off with 50 year old perverts, or even chat with pervy strangers (she read Lolita, though ). If she did want to do those things, I would worry. That's not healthy or normal, and that would say to me that something was missing in her life - that there was a big problem. And really, teens aren't stupid, and knowing how to safely navigate the net is a pretty basic survival skill now, like crossing streets safely. I can't really imagine how some pervert who hypothetically commented on her myspace could hurt her - she's home on the computer; he's somewhere else, and she's not dumb or emotionally needy enough enough to go meet him or give him our address.

dar

[mamameg]

Originally Posted by Dar

and she's not dumb or emotionally needy enough enough to go meet him or give him our address.

I think this is a defining factor in these situations. I was not dumb, but I was emotionally needy, and I made some poor decisions, despite the fact I was raised with "morals and values" like another poster mentioned. If myspace was around when I was a teen, I would more than likely gotten into some trouble with it. Not going to meet 50 yr old, pervs, but teen gossip and whatnot would definitely have sucked me in.

Again, it all comes down to knowing your kid. For us, it's a no brainer - no myspace, no unsupervised internet. But Dar is clearly close enough with her daughter that she knows she can handle those things. YMMV.

[Tinas3muskateers]

imo I think we try to keep lines of communication open with our kids, we try to build a system of trust and create a sense of what is right and wrong. However when they hit a certain age they make their own choices regaurdless if its a choice we agree with. They are still children and sometimes those choices they make are not the best ones. I would much rather be over protective and make her go on line in the dinning room with all of us around rather then her be alone in her room with temptation and curiousity all around her.

[Primigravida]

I don't believe children should have access to the internet period.

[Strong Mama]

WOW so many replies and so many different takes on the internet as a whole. Our pc is in MY bedroom...so I am in there when he goes on it. I limit the amount of time he is on it to 30 minutes, too. On his myspace is just his friends from school and my brother and his fiance. So they can see his stuff too. Luckily my ds is pretty much still a kid at heart and not so much as says a bad word and we are pretty close. Thanks for the input mamas!

[Charliemae]

Originally Posted by Ananas

the entire site is pretty disgusting.

I don't think that's fair at all. The ONLY people I have ANY contact with on it are my friends. Their are plenty of adults on thier with their own social networks. If it was disgusting to you, chances are it was the people you were "friends" with. And I am assuming by the rest of your post this is probably true.

most kids know how to delete their internet history, including all viewed sites, and most know how to "hide" what they're looking at by quickly switching to a new window.

You can't do this on myspace. If you have your childs password you can pretty much see everything they have been doing. Just by being added as a "friend" you can see 90% of what's going on, the only thing you might not be able to see is a blog entry. (but of course with the password you can see that too).



I don't think parents need to be friends, but trusting your kid doesn't make you their friend, it impowers them to grow up and make decisons, based on the values you gave them.

[MillingNome]

Because I am feeling extreamly lazy I'm just gonna cut and paste comment from the last myspace thread as I think it is still fitting for this thread... (http://www.mothering.com/discussions...hlight=myspace)

Does your teen have a myspace page? NO
------------------------------------------------------------------------
If so ....
how old is your teen? 12.5

do you have input onto what they can/ cannot have on their page? SHE DOES NOT HAVE ONE YET BUT I WOULD NOT HAVE CONTROL OVER WHAT SHE SAYS IN IT.

do they know that you know they have one? WHILE DD WILL BE ABLE TO SAY WHAT SHE WANTS, I WILL CHECK ON TO SEE WHAT IS SAYS. IT IS PUBLIC INFO AND I'D LIKE TO BE SURE WHAT'S GOING ON. IF IT IS ANYTHING TOO OUTRAGOUS, I WOULD TRY TO GET HER TO TONE IT DOWN. THAT SAID, IF SHE DOES NOT, THAT IS HER CHOICE. BUT I HAVE A FEELING THAT SHE WILL BE CAREFUL WHAT SHE SAYS SINCE SEH KNOWS I WILL READ WHAT SHE WROTE.

do you worry about their interactions on myspace? YES, OF COURSE. THAT IS WHY I'VE HAD MANY CONVERSATIONS WITH DD ABOUT INTERNET SAFETY.
in your opinion, is their online personality pretty close to their real life personality? NA

in other words, did anything on their myspace page shock you? NA

If your teen doesn't have one, would you be comfortable with them having one? YES.




Ya ya, I know lame to cut and paste my own stuff...

[Susana]

My dd has a myspace. My ds and dd both have their own computers in their rooms. I get to see what my dd is putting on her myspace and also what's on her friends' myspaces because she shows them to me! Hey mom, look at this...
there is nothing on any of them that I find threatening or weird in any way.

When I think of my kids' right to their privacy with things such as the internet, I directly think back to the days when I was their age and my mother went thru my stuff...everything...diary, notebooks, hell she even listened in on some of my phone conversations. I swear, I am still p*ssed about that to this day. She had NO REASON not to trust me, I was the squarest kid ever. But I never could trust my own mother and it was obvious although I never gave her a reason not to trust me that she didn't. I feel like myspace and other internet communications are somewhat like our diaries of yesteryear...
I trust my kids, always have, and I know that they're responsible while on the internet. I don't have to hover over their shoulders or sneak in to look at what they're doing when they don't know I am checking up on them. I'm lucky that way though, they tell me everything. Some will say sure they do, but *they do*.

everyone feels differently about this kind of stuff, so my 2 cents won't matter to everyone, but I felt like chiming in. In some homes computers in every room and myspaces aren't that big a deal.
Unschoolnma and Dar, I liked your points of view. Right on.

[moonfirefaery]

Full 100% total privacy is a privelege that comes with adulthood IMO, as is the ability to make all of your own decisions--otherwise, there wouldn't be things that are legal for adults and illegal for children. If my child wants to chose his own high school classes, fine. If he wants to drop out? I don't think so, sorry. If my child wants to talk to his friends online, fine. If he wants to be friends with a 14 year-old girl he's never met, then meet her at the mall, not without me there. Trusting that your child will come to you when he needs help is a good thing. However, believing your child will ALWAYS know when he needs help is not. Children don't have the desire to go off with 50 year-old perverts when they agree to meet the 14 year old girl they've been chatting with at the mall, but they could be doing it anyway.

The ONLY people I have ANY contact with on it are my friends

Well, I came in contact with nasty people on it even as a teen, and I know lots of kids who have come in contact with nasty people. I've been messaged at least three times by perverts trying to get me to send them nude photos, despite the fact that my profile states I'm married. Even if my child is old enough to say no, that's still not a question I even want them being asked.

my mother went thru my stuff...everything...diary, notebooks, hell she even listened in on some of my phone conversations.

See, this is going to the extremes. Keeping an eye on your kids, checking up after them, knowing who they are talking to, what they are saying, etc. isn't the same thing as reading their private diary & stripsearching them. I had my privacy invaded as a teen and hated it and resent it even today, and I'll never do all that my parents did to me to my children...but that isn't going to stop me from being informed.

[UnschoolnMa]

Originally Posted by moonfirefaery

otherwise, there wouldn't be things that are legal for adults and illegal for children.

That could be a whole other post lol. (At least from me)

If my child wants to chose his own high school classes, fine. If he wants to drop out? I don't think so, sorry.

See, that would be fine here. (Of course, we are unschoolers so...)

Even if my child is old enough to say no, that's still not a question I even want them being asked.

This wouldn't be an issue here. Obviously we aren't down with the kids emailing naked photos of themselves to someone, but just being asked by someone sketchy online isn't a crisis, IMO, it's an opportunity. An opportunity to talk, make good decisions, and be responsible. Both the kids know that these things happen online all the time. In their email boxes there is spam all the time with sexual titles. They just roll their eyes and delete. (And laugh )

I had my privacy invaded as a teen and hated it and resent it even today, and I'll never do all that my parents did to me to my children...but that isn't going to stop me from being informed.

These convos tend to run to the extreme examples I agree. Informed is a good thing...for both parent and kid. It's just how we all go about being informed that differs I think. I feel that I can be informed without knowing my kids passwords, checking their browser history, and letting them have internet access in their room.