"It's the mom's choice to BF or not"

[tsfairy]

My mother, a former LLL leader, just told me this. :

She also told me I'm too judgemental, and shouldn't judge other people for not wanting to "exclusively" breastfeed, and that supplementing with formula is "fine."

I asked her, what about the babies' choice? and she replied with a question: "did your DS get a choice?" I told her I thought he would have chosen BM, and asked if she'd ever tasted formula. She said yep it's disgusting. Me: Have you ever tasted BM? Her: EW no that's gross! :

Please help me to be a little less "judgemental" or "harsh" about my sister and SIL who will likely CHOOSE to FF (or at least supplement heavily and head down that slippery slope) even though they KNOW the benefits of BF. I think that nobody in my family wants to talk to me anymore for fear I'll "judge" them.

[Ammaarah]

Well, your mom sure blows a hole in that theory that most LLL folks are "boob extremists."

Just try to be happy for any mother's milk those babies get. I used to get so bummed when breastfeeding didn't work out for other women for whatever reason, but I realized I had to accentuate the positive or I was gonna lose it. Dang nursing hormones.

[yasmel]

I hate it when people use that frase about the mother's choice, what about the baby? They alledgedly want to do what's best for their children but I guess bf is not in the equation

[BelgianSheepDog]

Your mom is right. Breastfeeding is a wonderful thing, but it doesn't negate the fact that my body is mine, yours is yours, etc. I'm guessing she learned that in order to be a good LLL leader she had to be a little more understanding and persuasive and a little less judgemental and harsh.

[tallulahma]

I think that it is hard to help or educate or assist anyone who already thinks you are judgmental.

I have pregnant friend who avoids the topic with me like the plague. Ive never been harsh with her and have never ever been even slightly militant with her or around her. She just knows that I wear lactivist shirts and nurse wherever and she has seen me defending that, so I think she assumes Id jump on her for ffing, if she so chooses.
But thats not how I operate.

Sometimes, its the reverse, they judge us because we stand up for our rights, and instantly think we will judge them. Does that even make sense. NAK to sick babe.
sorry

Oh, also, coming from my family and friends, where no one even thinks to bf. I get excited and encourage one week of it. Any amount is gold to me.

[tsfairy]

Originally Posted by BelgianSheepDog

Your mom is right. Breastfeeding is a wonderful thing, but it doesn't negate the fact that my body is mine, yours is yours, etc. I'm guessing she learned that in order to be a good LLL leader she had to be a little more understanding and persuasive and a little less judgemental and harsh.

Oh man, you're right. I guess I have unrealistic expectations because she's MOM and I just expect her to be on my side, kwim? But that's not fair to her or anyone else.

I was pretty irritated when I wrote my original post, but I'm realizing I definitely can come off as pretty judgemental sometimes, when what I'm trying to be is informative or helpful. I really do need to work on this.

Originally Posted by inchijen

I get excited and encourage one week of it. Any amount is gold to me.

So true.

[mammal_mama]

I get too judgmental too sometimes; I honestly think moms who "choose" formula wouldn't if they really had all the facts and good support. I had to make myself shut up when an expectant mom said she wanted to supplement with pumped breastmilk or formula, so her husband could feed the baby too and be involved just like she was ... at least she plans to primarily breastfeed! Who am I to say this isn't the best choice for this family?

[Ekatherina]

i also belong to this type. me and my dh. but it really doesnt get to me, why poeple who really know the advantages of bf switch to formula? to me it's selfishness. they just want to close their eyes to the truth to do what is "convinient" for them. that just sucks. sorry.

[moongoddess176]

Originally Posted by Ekatherina

i also belong to this type. me and my dh. but it really doesnt get to me, why poeple who really know the advantages of bf switch to formula? to me it's selfishness. they just want to close their eyes to the truth to do what is "convinient" for them. that just sucks. sorry.

Story of the modern scourge in society. It seems that alot of people no longer use common sense or do what is best, but what is easiest and most convinient as you said. Nevermind what has worked for hundreds of thousands of years and people. We have modern science now!! :

[Catherine12]

I have also been struggling with this issue lately, since I heard that SIL might not bf. I want to talk to her about it but don't want to come across as judgemental (especially since we are not that close).

I think I will take a "you should commit to giving bfing a try, because if you don't you'll always wonder whether it would have been better for you and your baby. If you try it and feel it doesn't work for you, at least you'll know something about what bfing is like and you'll feel that you've made a more informed choice." In other words make it more about her happinness in the long run. And then I'll offer my support and give her a copy of "The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding". I'll also talk about how I feel bfing really has helped me have a close bond to my dc, since I don't think this aspect gets as much press.

Of course I would like to lecture her about the many benefits of bfing... and maybe shake her and yell "how could you even consider not bfing?" but that would be counterproductive...

So, to get back on topic... I probably am judgemental (which doesn't mean I'm not right) but it is the mother's choice, whether I like it or not, and acting judgemental will probably help no one... so I'm left treading the fine line between "helpful advice" and "pushy and judging".

[Meli65]

Just my own observation -- I think that providing an example of a happily breastfeeding mother can be the very best and most influential thing you can do. I've learned never to say anything about breastfeeding to new moms/mothers-to-be because they can get very touchy and defensive about it -- no one changes her mind when she feels that way. But I do know that my cousin-in-law chose to breastfeed, and continued to breastfeed a lot longer than I expected her to, because of our example.

A couple of times acquaintances have said to me, "You breastfed, right?" and then went on to ask me questions they never would have called a LLL leader to ask (no offense to LLL -- but a lot people won't call them either).

After six months of painful thrush I wound up supplementing with ds2 which I'd never dreamed of doing -- it gave me a new perspective on bottle-feeding vs. breast-feeding which I think makes me a more effective bf-advocate.

[mamajama]

Originally Posted by Meli65

Just my own observation -- I think that providing an example of a happily breastfeeding mother can be the very best and most influential thing you can do.

I've observed this as well in my own experience.

[Beccah+twins+1]

My mother gave me her 1970s copy of The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding and in skimming it, I was struck by what the founders wrote. I am paraphrasing but they said - we aren't concerned with convincing mothers to breastfeed, we have enough work just helping those moms who do want to breastfeed to be successful. Their work helping moms who WANT to breastfeed become successful has lead to a huge increase in breastfeeding rates.

I guess what I am trying to point out is that judging those who make a different choice than we make is not productive. The most good (I think) will come from being a positive example, a friend that another mom feels confident and comfortable asking help from, and most of all embracing moms, not alienating them. I think the OP mom is right on and I'm not surprised as a LLL that she feels that way. With the wide array of women (and their choices) that a LLL leader would be working with, you would have to learn to not be judgemental or else you wouldn't be helpful, you would just push women away and not even get the chance to help them.

I am working on this myself. Learning to celebrate the small milestones, especially when a milestone that is nothing to me is huge to someone else, is helping me a lot. I have nursed my ds 6 months, big whoop! I always knew I would, no doubt in my mind, no challenge in it, and I plan to quadruple that. However my good friend who is nursing baby #3 only nursed her first for 6 weeks and her 2nd for 4 weeks. Next week she will be reaching 6 months with baby #3. That is huge for her! I am so proud of her. It hasn't even been exclusive, she has supplemented with a little bit of formula, but still, the baby is receiving almost all breastmilk and for much longer than his brothers got it. I will be sending her 6 roses on that day and saying congrats, you're doing an awesome job, keep up the good work. I could (in my own mind) be criticizing her for supplementing, for weaning so early with her other 2 children, for anything but would that attitude be encouraging to her? I think celebrating with her is far more likely to result in her nursing even longer and having feelings of success. And who knows what kind of positive example she could be for other moms? It's a ripple effect and the ripple has to be supportive and positive.

[mousemadeslings]

Originally Posted by Ekatherina

i also belong to this type. me and my dh. but it really doesnt get to me, why poeple who really know the advantages of bf switch to formula? to me it's selfishness. they just want to close their eyes to the truth to do what is "convinient" for them. that just sucks. sorry.

:

I can almost understand when someone is uninformed, but for someone to KNOW the benefits of breastfeeding and understand how they are cheating their child to formula feed but do it anyway..... And then they go into this complete denial that it was a "choice".... there is always some excuse.... {Not that there aren't a very few folks who HONESTLY have issues...}

[darsmama]

[QUOTE=tsfairy;6215754]My mother, a former LLL leader, just told me this. :

QUOTE]

Realistically, whose choice is it? Is it yours, is it the governments, is it your mothers?

[darsmama]

Originally Posted by Beccah+twins+1

My mother gave me her 1970s copy of The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding and in skimming it, I was struck by what the founders wrote. I am paraphrasing but they said - we aren't concerned with convincing mothers to breastfeed, we have enough work just helping those moms who do want to breastfeed to be successful. Their work helping moms who WANT to breastfeed become successful has lead to a huge increase in breastfeeding rates.

I guess what I am trying to point out is that judging those who make a different choice than we make is not productive. The most good (I think) will come from being a positive example, a friend that another mom feels confident and comfortable asking help from, and most of all embracing moms, not alienating them. I think the OP mom is right on and I'm not surprised as a LLL that she feels that way. With the wide array of women (and their choices) that a LLL leader would be working with, you would have to learn to not be judgemental or else you wouldn't be helpful, you would just push women away and not even get the chance to help them.

I am working on this myself. Learning to celebrate the small milestones, especially when a milestone that is nothing to me is huge to someone else, is helping me a lot. I have nursed my ds 6 months, big whoop! I always knew I would, no doubt in my mind, no challenge in it, and I plan to quadruple that. However my good friend who is nursing baby #3 only nursed her first for 6 weeks and her 2nd for 4 weeks. Next week she will be reaching 6 months with baby #3. That is huge for her! I am so proud of her. It hasn't even been exclusive, she has supplemented with a little bit of formula, but still, the baby is receiving almost all breastmilk and for much longer than his brothers got it. I will be sending her 6 roses on that day and saying congrats, you're doing an awesome job, keep up the good work. I could (in my own mind) be criticizing her for supplementing, for weaning so early with her other 2 children, for anything but would that attitude be encouraging to her? I think celebrating with her is far more likely to result in her nursing even longer and having feelings of success. And who knows what kind of positive example she could be for other moms? It's a ripple effect and the ripple has to be supportive and positive.

That WOULD be so much more productive.

[rmzbm]

Not sure what's so "judgemental" about the OP. All babies are ENTITLED to 2 yrs. bare minimun of their mother's milk. Period.
Some moms, through no fault of their own, can't provide it. to them...otherwise, give your baby it's birthright.

[Ekatherina]

Not sure what's so "judgemental" about the OP. All babies are ENTITLED to 2 yrs. bare minimun of their mother's milk. Period.
Some moms, through no fault of their own, can't provide it. to them...otherwise, give your baby it's birthright

totally agree with that! mother chooses of course but it is the baby who will be deprived of his basic needs. some centuries ago maybe that would'nt be even an issue, im some countries today breafeeding is just taken for granted. but sadly in many many countries it is what "society excpects" and what "mather is able to give cause she has to work, take care of herself, go out with dh ...long list : "....so no matter how many books i give them and how many times i talk to them, they switch to formula because "but the doctor said..." or worse "come on don't be tough to people!" : i just prefer not to talk to anyone about this anymore. i feel like it's no use.

[velcromom]

I prefer to describe it as a health care decision rather than a personal choice. For me, when a second person is affected it can no longer be considered a purely personal choice. The fact that no one else has ownership of your breasts does not negate the fact that the decision affects more than one person. Of course I don't think anyone should be able to tell a woman what to do with her various body parts, but I really wish the formula companies weren't so successful at convincing parents it's a personal lifestyle issue rather than a health issue.

It really is no use trying to convert those who know the facts and reject or dismiss them. It's just very frustrating.

[numom499]

i don't think the op is judgemental. or if she is, she is making a good and sound judgment.
would you all think it is okay for a mom to not change a babies diaper but once a day - because its her choice.?
i am guessing a lot of you would say that is wrong or at least not the best for the baby
thats all i see the op saying.