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what the H@ll

post #1 of 14
Thread Starter 
my family consists of me, my fiancee of 6 years and my DS and our DD
DS's father has been completly out of his life 100% since 12/02 he was just 3 then. i was pregnant with DD, he saw DS infrequently. I wasnt putting up with that. 2/03 we went to court, he admitted i was right about him needing consistancy and said he would "temporarily suspend" his visits to "get his life together" he agreed to call or maintain some kind of contact. so we walked out of that court room. and I NEVER SAW or HEARD from him again. almost 4 years. no contact from him or his family. AT ALL whatso ever. he calls my
random child support checks came occasionally.
SO yesterday i get an envelope from my fathers girlfriend (mommy dearest)
i almost wrote return to sender on it, but was curious to see what was inside.
in it was a card addressed to me, and my son from SPERM donor.
I dont think i took a breath for 5 mins....i opened it
(im changing names to protect the innocent)
It read
Dear "john"
this is from your father "john smith SR"
"sorry i have not seen you for such a long time, I hope your birthday wishes come true. and on my birthday im gonna wish to see you. I love you so much. happy birthday, if you want you can give me a call anytime the number is 123-456-7899. love daddy"
HA. i almost DIED. rolled over and DIED. first, i will give the number to the dept of revenue for their collection purposes. my DF wants to call him to talk to him man to man kind of thing like, hi this is JOHNS DAD, and ive been raising him, what could you want NOW, its been 4 years. I suggested he didnt. Im totally at a loss. i know it would only screw up my son to involve him. honestly I feel OVER MY DEAD body will i let him in my sons life, he had his shot, he had a chance to get himself "together" and still be in contact. he chose not too. and im not giving him the chance to do that ever again to him. WHAT WOULD YOU DO??
im sure court papers are next. he hasnt tried to go that route ever tho...
post #2 of 14
Oh, sweetie!

There was no way i could just let this sit here with no reply. What a shock, after so much time has passed, to have him contact so casually: 'yeah, um.. I'm your dad. gimme a ring sometime.'

i think anyone would be in a state of shock after such a surprise, and i think your post was written while still in that state. I imagine that it will take more time than you've yet had to begin to digest this, and i imagine that it will take an even longer amount of time for you to begin to compose your thoughts and feelings into an appropriate response.

This is a hairball of a situation, i wish i could say something to make it easier. But, the only bit of what i consider to be wise advice i can offer is probably going to make you want to poke me in the eye.....
you must wait, love, before you commit to a response to him. no firing off of the cuff here. no knee jerk reactions, OK?

I am sure i don't need to tell you that this is a very important matter, a complicated and intricate and profoundly important matter, and i can tell by your post how very much your heart is with your dc, and for your dc. That is why I know that you will be successful in this, your heart is in the right place.

MDC has been a resource for me, one that i have drawn on, and from which i have gleaned enormous benefits and support, which helped me through the most trying and difficult situation i have ever gone through.
The situation facing you is going to be trying, of that we can be sure. Most likely, it will also be on-going -both in its challenges and its potential rewards. This first shock, it will not always retain its piercing qualities and i encourage you to allow for the passage of a space of time before making any decisions.

I am thinking of you and your dear son, so much.
post #3 of 14
Thread Starter 

thanks anj119

so its been a few days and ive thought about it some more. Im not even going to give him the card. what would i say to my son, remember that dad we sometimes talk about that was in your life then left? well hes wishing you a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! nah, i dont think so. I gave the dept of revenue his cell phone number as they had it listed for years now as "missing information" My son, already having enough issues that dont even relate to this situation is starting some counceling and having an eval done for possible add issues. trouble concentrating etc in school. im going to bring it up to her privatly and see what she says. personally i think i might be going to find myself a lawyer and have a talk about this and see how i can maybe legally have him out of his life for good as- i dont believe he can pop in and out like this and not do irreversable damage.
thanks so much and i will update ...
post #4 of 14
Just want to send you some support and positive energy mamma! I think that going the legal route asap is the best way to go.
post #5 of 14
Originally Posted by alisonsvw View Post
so its been a few days and ive thought about it some more. Im not even going to give him the card.
I think that is, for now, a good decision. (not like you need to run things by me for approval.... ha!)

My son, already having enough issues that dont even relate to this situation is starting some counceling and having an eval done for possible add issues. trouble concentrating etc in school. im going to bring it up to her privatly and see what she says.
VERY good plan, momma. Also, the school counselor will be someone able to navigate through the legal issues and by that i mean that she is someone who has 'validity' in the eyes of the court. While you have far more insight into your ds and his needs, your opinion really amounts to a hill of beans should the matter be brought before a judge. Which leads me to my next 'good on you':

personally i think i might be going to find myself a lawyer and have a talk about this and see how i can maybe legally have him out of his life for good as- i don't believe he can pop in and out like this and not do irreversable damage.
Momma, if you can afford to do so... the advice of a lawyer specializing in Family Law would be invaluable to you right now. He/she could explain the laws in your state and give you a real idea of the possible outcomes as well as prepare a game plan which would give you real peace of mind as far as any further contact with the ex goes.

I don't know if now is the right time to do something like this, but, if the time arrives where you feel that you may be able to ask bio-dad what his intentions are, if you feel you could do so with as much objectivity as humanly possible, it might be helpful to you to have some communication with him. Its such a delicate situation, isn't it? It is so difficult to try to approach him now without the emotions of the last some years bubbling up. Just try to remember that the court will not want to hash out the wrongs and rights of the past. They will be interested in the best interests of your ds, and while the past behavior of your ex will factor in as far as determining custody, the courts in most states feel it in the best interest of the child to have contact with both parents. That contact could take many different forms, and that really is what the attorney could help you to learn about. I offer my advice as a layperson, one who has been through this experience, only from the opposite side that you are on right now.

You are doing a great job. Please do keep us updated, I think about you and your ds often, keeping you both in my thoughts.
post #6 of 14
ITA with anj119. Nicely said. Go to a lawyer. The courts will probably allow visitation. Don't be scared, it will be ok.
post #7 of 14
Sorry you've had to deal with all of this. I agree with your decision & prev posters, but also would add that keeping that card & any further correspondence from your ds' bio-dad may be a good idea. For your DS, in the future... the day may very well come that he'll try to blame you (teen rebellion psyche working here) for keeping him from his dad. & his dad *could* say that he did try to contact him but that YOU kept them apart. Which isn't true & you know that... but if you keep all records of attempted contact for your DS, although very sadly, he could see exactly how seldom his dad did try to contact, yk??

The situation is sad for you & for everyone involved, good on you for doing whats best for your family. hug.
post #8 of 14
: sorry.
Just stopping in to give support.
post #9 of 14
Oh boy. I can see this happening with my son's *ahem* "father" a few years from now. Some guys are un-frikkin'-believable!

What would I do? Hmm. Well, I agree with the other poster there that said you should hang on to any correspondance from him for the future, but make sure you LOCK IT UP...because you don't want your boy to get his hands on it during a vital stage (like, teenage rebellion). Also (and this is what I'm going to do); keep a 'journal' of events and dates that itemize what his 'father' is doing. Just the facts. That way, if you choose or if your boy questions, you can give the journal to him in the future.

In the meantime, I'd first seek out legal advice; or research your options online; and find out if there's a possibility of you having the courts permanently deny his 'rights' as a father (or maybe have DF adopt the child)...or whatever other means you may have to keep ex away from your boy! Make sure you explore all options before you start proceedings because courts can really mess up your life in ways you never intended. Unless it's decided that ex has rights to the child, keep all details and court dates out of your boy's life (just do what you have to 'in the background').

If a court outcome doesn't look good for you (or maybe even before beginning court proceedings); invite ex to a mediation session with you (perhaps DF should stay out of this to avoid having ex become territorial and needlessly confrontational). Bring some factual information on effects it would have on your boy if ex re-entered his life at this stage. Bring things that show that DS is doing well and living happily. Emphasize to him that he doesn't have to feel guilty for not being there, and explain that it would do DS more harm than good at this point. Offer to keep him updated on DS's milestones so he can be included in the background. If things start to go wrong, perhaps suggest that ex come visit as an old friend and that DS isn't to know the details, but that it's for ex to see for himself that DS is happy as things are : (if you think this would/could work, of course).

Remember that you have to outsmart ex, even if it means playing like you're on his side for a bit...humour him. TRY HARD NOT TO let your emotions and anger get involved...remain as factual as possible. That's where my ex and I have problems, when I get mad.

Good luck, I feel for you!
post #10 of 14
PS: My mother and father avoided this situation with my bio-hazard..I mean dad; by moving 6 hours away. We lived in Ottawa for 4 years before we came back and I'm seriously considering the same. If your jobs/lives will allow it, perhaps it's time to consider. And it doesn't have to be 6 hours; per se; but however much distance that would make it too much of a pain for someone as selfish as he is to travel.

He's obviously feeling guilty, like he's supposed to do more. It's my understanding that guys disappear/show inconsistencies when they're younger, then as they age, and mature; they feel guilty for not taking proper care of their offspring. It sounds to me like this is what he's feeling. You need to play on that....turn it around and make him feel MORE guilty for the harm it will cause DS if he returns.
post #11 of 14
There was a time when I thought that dss's mom was better off far away (she lived 300 miles away but saw him about every other month for a night). He was happy, we were fine. She moved here. I have to admit that he is happier having her in his life. Yes, she does crazy things, is irresposible and undependable and dissappoints him, but he is happy having her in his life.
post #12 of 14
Right on, Flor.

These things are difficult to think of for op right now. But, what Flor has said is undeniably true.

I hesitate to lay it out like this, because of the timing..... I worry that OP needs some time for this idea to grow inside of her psyche before she may be able to embrace the thought of ds perhaps benefiting from the reappearance of his bio-dad.

One way to look at it is: The more people that ds has in his life who he can rely on for love and support, the better for ds. I think the question now may be the intentions of bio dad. Is he aware of the damage of his coming and going? Does he recognize and value his potential role in his sons life? These things are important to sus out before he is allowed to run ramshackle through the established routines of OP's family.

Best case scenario, i believe, is that he wants to be an asset to his son. That he wishes to make amends by bringing his mature presence to the table, to be a reliable support, to be a loving nurturing father figure. Of course his past tells us that he is not. Still, every person is capable of change and i hope for op's sons sake that his father is ready to make that change.

I know that is probably not what OP wants to hear.
I understand how frightening this is.

I'm sorry momma, that you have to go through this. I echo what Flor said though:
You are going to be alright. It will be OK.

I apologise for being rushed right now...... ive got an appt with my mid wife at 10:30!

:adina: -anj119
post #13 of 14
Thread Starter 

in response

thanks for all your responses- ive decided im going to write a letter, not so much to send to him, but things ive gathered from posters and Ideas of things I could say to him, if I ever had to say something....also as key points to reflect on in the future.
I agree with the fact that he may feel guilty. but what good does guilt do when your child is 7 and you havent seen him since he just turned 3? I also like the idea of not letting my anger/resentment fuel my fire and sort of kill him with kindness, like "he is happy and secure where he is in life and you coming in it would give him issues" I like the idea of telling him he shouldent feel guilty cause he isnt suffering at his absense in life. he should have some peace knowing he is well cared for and loved.
DS is starting therapy next week and im going to try to ask him about him, see what he remembers, i think if i tried to ask him the conversation wouldent go further than yes no or uh huh. lol Still thinking about a lawyer. im gonna call a friend and ask for the name of the one she knows today and see if i can set something up for next week.
peace mamas
post #14 of 14
I'm so sorry you have to be going through all of this. When i read your first post, it was as if i was reading an entry in my own journal. My daughter's bio-dad turned out to be less than supportive (abusive, missing for long periods of time, never paid child support, etc...) and i finally walked away when she was 3. That was the last time he saw her and she's turning 6 next week. He's dropped an envelope in my mailbox once with a hundred bucks saying "this is the right thing to do" and that's IT. He's also got another 9 year old daughter - same situation - and now he's got 2 protection orders for stalking. one from me and one from his recent ex. and now, all of a sudden, as soon as i got married he tried to take me to court for visitation rights. HA! they denied him and now my husband is adopting her.

my advice: Do what you feel is right for your family. don't for a MINUTE think about this guy's feelings. They really don't matter when it comes to the well being of your child. Don't ever let him make you feel guilty for "keeping him from his child". That was his choice, and he's going to have to try a whole lot harder if he wants to be involved. insist that there's LOTS of proof that he's serious about being there before considering letting him back in to conversations with your child, or seeing him for that matter.

I hope you're keeping your head up through all this.....I'm thinkin of you!
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