newly separated thread...come share, or vent, or whatever - Page 5

[bu's mama]

Hey mamas - I'm one of the stbx-still-in-the-house-limbo & it reaaaallllly sucks. I hate him. I feel like I can barely contain my disdain for him. I think what made it worse is that dd had a fall family festival at the day camp she went to this summer & his parents went as well, and to see the other camp staff (stbx worked there this summer) fawning over him to his parents made me ill.

It's what he's good at though...making a show, saying the right thing and being 'nice' and I'm just so sick of it. He's apatheic and passive-aggresive and lies.

One of the hardest things is to see how dd adores him, and know that she is going to be hurt by him. I thought him staying in the house for awhile would be a good thing for her, but I'm really regretting it these days. He also wants to be 'good daddy' and it seems like everytime he says no to her, she cries and then he gives it. I hate the pattern this is setting up & he doesn't care because it's easier to do in the short run.

Sorry this is so long & rambling. I'm having a shitty day : & I just don't see how I'm going to make it through the next few months.

[leahida]

I can totally relate to the feeling of being "at fault" for the breakup of the marriage. I did some mega things to screw up my marriage. My H is not a loser either, not abusive, not a bastard that deserves to be kicked to the curb, though he's kind of acting like an a$$hole right now.

He is a really good man who probably was never really good for me, but for whatever reasons I stayed in the marriage for 8 years and had a child with him (I have no idea why and I'm trying to work it out in counseling...FINALLY!). And now I have really, really hurt him...in a way that no one deserves. And there is nothing I can do to make it right. So, basically, welcome to the unremitting hell that is my life.

But...that being said...he was not an angel either. Typically if there is something funky going on in a marriage, both people are responsible to some extent. So I am trying not to see myself, or treat myself, as Evil Incarnate (although H does right now). I figure ds doesn't need a mom who is beating up on herself so harshly.

bu's mama - I can SO relate to what you are going through with the living in limbo thing. H is coming home soon and wants to "talk." I'm terrified of what he will say. I am so looking forward to Friday, when he is supposed to go to on a business trip abroad for 10 days, and then he is supposed to move out when he gets back. It will be a huge relief to not live with all this tension and yucky energy in the house on a daily basis.

Big hugs and sending restful-as-possible sleep vibes to the sleepless mamas.

[splatgrl]

been 3 months of hell

I am separated, too. It's not really my choice. The story is long and messy but the short version is that he assaulted me, I got a restraining order, he was arrested and put into a program where he can have no contact with me. When I finally hear something it's from his lawyer telling me that he wants a divorce. We finally get some email contact and he tells me that I tried to "ruin his life" and damage him and that he cannot forgive me for having him thrown in jail. How messed up is that thinking?

The worst part of all this is that I just moved to a new state, 3k miles away from all my support. I had only been here 3 days when he hit me. My daughter is here with me (her dad lives back east and is a GOOD guy) and she seems to be doing OKAY.

I have days where I am okay and don't think much about him and I have days where I miss him so much my whole being gets taken over by it. He can't have contact with me, due to his probation but even if he could, I bet he would not. He seems to get off on ignoring me and treating me as though I never meant a thing to him. He won’t even consider going to see a therapist, even just to talk about our marriage and making some peace with each other. We really were happy, there was a lot of love between us -- we had 5+ great years together and I always thought we would be together until we were old.

How does one reconcile the reality you thought you were going to have with the one you actually get?

We have a meeting with our lawyers this week -- it will be the first time I have seen him since he assaulted me. I am scared, sad and weirdly enough, happy. I want to see him -- I miss him! Ours was not a typical abusive relationship. He just went off one night, and yes, it was bad enough to call the cops.

I am glad to find this thread, I know it’s not easy for any of us, even if you want to be divorced.

Thanks for listening…

[solareyna]

Hello ladies, I am in the middle of a separation, it is still very much in limbo too and that is killing me. My h is not abusive or a bad dad, we are just so different it is amazing that we got married at all. He has two kids, I have one from a previous relationship. We are both at fault - he is a bit controlling, I am always wanting to move on (fear of commitment - major wanderlust tendencies), the stepchildren are a big issue and we just want different things. I have had to avoid going to church (which I really like mychurch) but I just end up feeling guilty and thinking I should just forget who I am and everything I want because I got myself into this, now I need to live with it. We are still technically "trying to work it out" but I think he knows (more than I do) that i am going to leave come Spring.

We live in a huge house, drive brand new cars, go to "high society" parties and I just want to return to my roots and go back to the farmland where I was raised a simple country girl. I am always trying to simplify our life - he wants more, more, more. His sc are teaching my son how to backtalk and disrespect and drama. They are good children but I can't take the way they talk to me. If it were my son, he would be in timeout for talking to me like that but I can't say anything except get blue in the face and they never listen to me anyway. H wants to be a millionaire, I feel like I am trapped in suburban hell. I want to homeschool, H can't stand the idea of me not working (and losing the 2800 a month I bring in). I miss how it was when it was just my son and I - peaceful, calm, quiet, loving. H is so high strung.

So I feel incredibly guilty because my reasons for leaving are so selfish, I think. So I feel like I should try to work it out. It doesn't really matter if I love him, I see myself denying who I am and what makes me happy for the next 18 years and then who would I be? He has good qualities and bad, but then so do I. The thought of living in the same place (suburbia) for the next 18 years (if dh moves, he loses his kids) scares the hell out of me. I hate it here.

Also, just a tidbit that my psychologist thinks is interesting. I have had bulimia for years, off and on. Well, it got really bad recently when I was just having a rough time in the marriage and the minute I decided I was leaving, I stopped purging completely. I no longer felt a need to. These last couple days, when I have thought that I needed to stay and work it out, it has started up again. Is this like a fear of loss of control defense mechanism??

Anyway, hang in there ladies. Nice to have a thread like this.

[vwmama]

Cassafrass, you made me feel better knowing even if I had done this Dr Laura stuff it wouldn't have worked unless H wanted to work with me. That gives me great comfort. Thank you.

Wow, it's interesting to see the differences yet similarities between us all. I am in denial just praying for H to see what he is giving up. I know in my gut he won't but in my heart I keep praying for a miracle. He has been so clear he is not ever wanting to get together again. He has broken up with me 3 times now throughout 21 yrs. We always have ended up back together at my request. I am way too perfectionistic and controlling to make him happy. I still feel like if I can change he would be happy. He has been complaining for a long time how we are "diverging". He doesn't explain what he means though, I guess it's because I am getting healthy and going chemical free and alternative and he is mainstream all the way. Who knows what else he is feeling since he never tells me anything!

Actually, I have been trying to read positive information. I have been reading articles I can find from Wayne Dyer. He believes your thoughts create your reality. Whenever I start to have a negative thought I tell myself "I want to be happy" and it actually can stop my negative thought. It works a lot. I have found myself in desperate moods too. I just feel so helpless because I can't have what I dream of most of all.

After reading how people feel trapped in their marriages I guess that will help me to realize how H must be feeling. I know it takes 2 to be in a relationship and we can't do the other person's work. I liked to think I could but it just backfired because I got resentful and stopped being a good wife. I feel like I have so much unfinished business because we never talked about all these issues we have. They just sat there unfinished. I know the importance of forgiveness for ourselves and our mates. I think I keep trying to forgive him too early.

Back to being positive!! I want to be happy. I will create a good life....

[aisraeltax]

i am really stuck. im stuck not knowing where to go.

i dont want to go back to work. i dont want to put my baby in daycare and wont be able to afford a nanny.

i am just really stuck.

dh asks me what i did today. are you kidding????

[solareyna]

Have you checked into the sticky of the resources for single moms? Ever thought of finding a roommate to help split the costs / childcare of the home life? Don't give up and give in just because of money. I know that is easier said than done but there are so many resources for mommas that need help. Hang in there, maybe if you can let us know a little more about the situation we can help more? Is it money that has you in a spot?

[aisraeltax]

that last post of mine really sounded bad, didnt it? sorry. i was having a rough night.

i just get so tired of talking to my dh until im blue in the face as to MY reasons for not wanting ds to be in daycare. i have a friend who really wants to watch him, but i dont want to leave him with her. its a very sticky situation.

i know im lucky. i own my own home. i am an attorney so i have the opportunity to work at home (i think...i would have to get something started and that would take awhile).

i dont mean to be such a boo hoo me...its just how i feel right now.

this isnt my first marriage that has gone down the drain and thats just really depressing me right now.

i have thought about a rooommate but im not sure how that will affect my kids. we have 4 bedrooms but the baby's room is never used (other than storage for his stuff, but i have an exta closet in my bedroom that i could put his clothes, etc. in...so we really dont need it...plus i could prob. fix the basement up and my ds1 could move his room down there).

i dont know..im just a bit depressed right now. i went to see a friend today but she was sick. life is just a bit difficult. im sure i will feel better in a few days, but right now i dont.

thanks mamas. its nice to know there is support here.

[northcountrymamma]

I hear you on the daycare bit. I am so hesitant to have someone other than a family member watch dd. It's just something that I swore up and down that I would never do. What happens when she is sad and can't share that with someone because she doesn't feel comfortable with them. She needs hugs in the day, from people who love her. Someone working for $8 and hour wont love my kid...at least I don't think they would. I have read horror stories on MDC about daycare experiences. Part of me just wants to move to a deserted island to get away from the need for cash in our life. Yet I WANT to be here, I love my family, my friends, the place, there is so much going on that I barely have time for worrying....that is until late at night when the world is asleep and my mind wont rest.

I also wonder about this living with my family bit. I feel like this is going to be something that will have to remain permanent unless I go back to Alaska with ex. I get all hung up on this idea and then I think ah hell, I can take it, it's not SOOO important for me to be happy is it??? Then I and realize yes in fact it is important. I would never be able to afford a place of my own without a roomate, but really I don't think that's any better than living in this huge house with my parents and NO bills and built in childcare when they are around.

I also have been reaquainting with an old boyfriend whom I have been in close contact with for years. We didn't date long, but it was good and now, well things are what they are. It's nice to smile in the presence of a man...it's been so long since that's happened. It's also nice to share my point of view with a man and have him listen, and even sometimes agree. I can't help but feel incredibly guilty, but I can't help but be here. It's a scary place to be right now.

SOrry this is long, I am ranting...mainly I was writing to send you a aisrealtax, then poof...here came my soul.

[mama40]

aisraeltax, if you're a lawyer, you can get back into it, set up a home office, have a nanny. I also bet you've got some retirement socked away; yes, it's crummy financial advice, but it may be worthwhile to use some of that or tack a little extra onto your mortgage refi to pay the nanny until your practice is back on track. That way you're home, you know what's going on, you can come out and be with the baby, and you're working. In another year or so the baby will be ready for part-time daycare or preschool, and you can cut back the nanny expense. Just remember the FT childcare expense is temporary; the childhood, divorce, and career are long.

It can take a little while to find a good nanny, but they're definitely out there. Try the ECE students. I've had terrific luck with them, and right now we have a great PT nanny -- she shows up 4 mornings a week at 8, plays and plays, does crafts, had no problem letting me check her driving record.

NCM, I had the same fears about daycare, and at some of the places I saw, they were totally justified. I was really appalled by some of what I saw. Otoh, the place where dd is now is terrific and miraculously inexpensive. Good kids, cats & dogs, patient staff who genuinely care about the kids, very low turnover, great food (organic, veg). They just play & play. Some staff have babies and bring 'em along. This morning when I got there the kids were dancing in a circle around a baby to No Doubt, sunshine coming in, the baby just hanging out & watching all the kids. Dd and I danced too for a while, & then we invited the baby's mama over, b/c we're selling her dd's cloth dipes. Dd loves going there; it's where her friends are.

[aisraeltax]

yeh, i had a nanny for ds2 before so im aware of the cost. i am just not ready to be back at work right now. i am planning to start something up at the first of the year (E is 1 on 1/1/07) but for now, im not ready and neither is E. his dad cant even take him for a few minutes at this point.

and im just not mentally ready for going back. my job is not stressfree and i really need to be in a good place.

the last few days have just been difficult. all i hear is my dh telling me how much "earning capacity" i have.

well, he can take his 'earning capacity" and shove it! anyways...

be careful NorthCountryMama...dont get too close too quickly. try to take things easy with your exbf. would hate for you to get hurt again. s

[KayasMama04]

Add me to the list ...I basicly walked away last June from my marriage...but offically said it was over in September when he was on leave from Iraq. I had hoped we could reconcile in March when he comes home, no I was wrong. He wants to live the single 22 yr old college life. I am having a cruddy week and trying to find people who know this pain.

[Cassafrass]

Todday I got a notice my was-band (love the term) got an address change from the post office. Most of the bills are in his name. What am I supposed to do about that? We currently have no communication. GRRRREAT, phone, electric, internet, car insurance, mortgage WTF?

[aisraeltax]

cass, is your name on none of those things? if i were you, and he left the home, i would call teh utilities and get them put in your name. also, the mtg? are you not on that too?

am i correct in that he left one day and hasn't contacted you, or your daughter, at all???

what an ......(insert UA violation).

s

rach

[Cassafrass]

aisrael- actually he has made minimal contact and I have persued him to come visit his daughter which he backed out of 10 times but did visit 2 times. We have texed messaged insults back and forth.

none of the bills are in my name or the mortgage! I do have interest in the house though, I put down the entire down payment. Can I put the utilities in my name without his permission? He/we owe a balance on most and I don't feel responsible because he misused our money (drugs/gambling- possibly). I don't want to talk to him right now..I'm so angry all have to say is snarky sarcastic hurtful things. I need time to cool down and find my real self again.

[solareyna]

Closure?

Well, I wrote an email to my husband saying I think it is time I move out. We have been bouncing back and forth and I am tired of living a lie. I love him but our marriage cannot survive on love alone. In fact, I do not know if I love him. What is love anyway? Well, he will be angry but I am praying that he can just accept it. I can't take any more emotional upheaval. I just need to do this as coldly as possible and focus on my future with my son. I need to do what makes me happy and life is making me miserable right now. I am miserable. I need out. :

[mama40]

Cass,

You need to contact the bank holding the mortgage and explain what's up. If you intend to keep the house, or you want to protect your interest in the equity, you need to make the payments yourself to ensure they'll be made. (If he pays too, that's fine.) I take it you're both on the title, so I doubt you'll be able to sell without his permission. All of this will get sorted out in the divorce, but you want to make sure there's no foreclosure before that. If the mortgage is foreclosed, you'll probably lose your equity.

You'll need to check your state law to see if you're liable for debt on the utils. Otherwise the debt division will be worked out in the divorce. Meantime, call the utils and get the accounts changed to your name.

Good luck -

m40

[Shazmatazz]

Hi alll...I'm new here and this is my first post. I am not a mother, but hope to be someday. I stumbled across your forums while googling "single motherhood by choice." I saw this thread and had to post...

My husband and I met in whirlwind of instant connection, love at first sight, extreme passion etc etc....he asked me to marry him on our second date and I sort of accepted. Hemmed and hawed (not because I didn't want to, but because I was anxious about how fast it was, and what people would think, not because I didn't adore him). Anyway, we got pregnant the 3rd time we had sex and decided to get married right away...mainly because he was military and we wanted to get me and the baby on military insurance right away. So we got married 7 weeks after we met and were blissfully, disgustingly happy for awhile.

I found out I had miscarried on our 1st ultrasound at 10 weeks. I was absolutely devastated, wholly unprepared, and utterly grief stricken. I'll spare you the details, but suffice to say my hormones were all over the map and I became fearful, anxious, insecure and unable to control my crying. In other words, he saw a me he had never seen before...clingy, insecure, crying uncontrollably, etc. I realize now that I had tied up a lot of my self worth in being pregnant with his baby and when I miscarried, I felt like a failure as a woman, wife and mother. Irrational, yes.

We moved along past that, and continued to be happy and did all these married things. We settled into what I thought was domestic bliss, spending tons and tons of time together. Fast forward to this past August and I began to sense that things were "off." My husband became moody, withdrawn, grumpy and shut me out completely. He became secretive and resentful of my very presence...even taking phone calls from his brother out in the driveway where I couldn't hear him. We had a bunch of tearful, angst ridden fights and he finally admitted that he wasn't happy, that he didn't like the partnership aspect of being married, and that he needed time and space. I realize all of this screams "AFFAIR" but there has been no evidence of that - at all. And I've looked for it, believe me. He moved back to the barracks (we live in an Army town), taking all of his stuff with him, while I was away one weekend. He called me while I was out of town on a business trip to tell me he had left and moved his stuff out. Devastated doesn't begin to describe what I went through. I begged him to go to counseling, but he won't.

So he has been gone for 3 weeks. I've seen him twice and both times were related to errands, bills and shared responsibilities. He says he still loves me and he has not suggested a divorce. He says he moved out to gain perspective and get his head around us, given our crazy roller coaster year.
I'm in limbo, I cry myself to sleep and I am getting angrier and angrier. I have decided that he has til the end of the year to figure it all out or I'm going to have to ask for a divorce. I don't want one - I want my marriage back - but it's up to him at this point. He is in CA this wknd visiting with his brother, whom he adores and whose counsel he always listens to. I had a call from his brother's wife two days ago telling me they were sick with this, thought he was making a huge mistake and were going to go to bat for me while he was there.

But I've already forumulated Plans B, C and D for my life as backup, should he file. And one of those plans is becoming a mother on my own (I'm 35 and anxious about my childbearing years getting away from me) but I'm not sure where or how to even start.

Thanks for letting me evnt and any advice is welcome.

Thanks,
Shaz

[vwmama]

OMG, I am having a seriously bad night. After talking to stbXH I am so angry I could spit nails. Dealing with him is like dealing with my 12 yr old. I cannot believe I still wanted him to come back, WHAT!!!! I have cried my eyes out tonight over the fact that I busted my butt trying to make this relationship work and he did nothing! He is so selfish and that is putting it mildly. I can't even deal with this divorce now. I just want to run away from him. I can't stop myself from yelling in front of my kids and I hate him so much for making my kids' lives suck. They are suffering and I can't fix it. I am so mad at myself for ever staying with him to begin with.

[aisraeltax]

Shazmatazz,
im so sorry you are going through this. i can understand the desire to get your marriage on the right track, etc. however, there may be a silver lining here...you dont have children yet and i am sure you have enough time to meet the right person.

what i cant stand more than anything else is that i have to deal with my stbx for the next 18+ years, which really pisses me off!

cass, i could write your post about my first ex every day!!