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Poll: Which SIL's side are you on? - Page 2

Poll Results: Which SIL's side are you on?

 
  • 66% (158)
    Mainstream/Hawaii SIL
  • 33% (79)
    Crunchy SIL
237 Total Votes  
post #21 of 97
MSIL- I think CSIL sounds like a disrespectful nightmare. MSIL overreacted but I might become a little anal too sharing my home with someone so rude to me.

MSIL even admits she's anal but I don't get the impression that she's rigid about everything from Maya's posts. Cool arts and crafts throughout the house(paper chains with wishes), sandcastle cities, fairy parties, laughing as a baby dumps food on the floor, nursing her 1 yo at dinner, buffet style dinners with food seperated so guests can prepare food as they like it, none of these screams anal retentive freak to me.
post #22 of 97
CSIL gets more sympathy from me. I would be horrified if my SIL sent me that email instead of discussing her feelings w/ me. Horrified! Like a shamed child. :

These 2 posts pretty much sum it up:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
I don't care if MSIL is rich. I don't even care that much about rules, as such. I just don't like someone sending out an email that, imo, says "I don't like the way you parent, and I can't stop you at home, but you will parent the way I want you to while you're in my house".
Quote:
Originally Posted by Little Monkey Mom
I think both SILs have room for improvement, yet I find that the litany of "rules" aimed at CSIL under the guise of "wanting everyone to have a good time" the greater offense at the moment. We do not have the benefit of hearing CSIL's voice in this, so it's easy to say, MSIL all the way, and assume the worst about CSIL. Or alternately, give CSIL the benefit of the doubt in some areas. At this point, a lot of people are making stuff up just because it supports the image they have in their mind of these women.
post #23 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by primjillie View Post
I disagree - I am more crunchy than mainstream, and I totally side with msil. I think it has a lot to do with money (people resent msil for having it) and rules (which bother a lot of people, especially with children). I don't think that the csil is really crunchy, just rude and stubborn.
It's funny, I don't see her as really crunchy either, but I know it is because of my personal bias - I don't see a diet of PBJ and pizza as crunchy at all. For some reason that seems to cancel out all the other crunchiness to me. I know it's stupid, but that's my gut reaction.
post #24 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by NaomiLorelie View Post
MSIL even admits she's anal but I don't get the impression that she's rigid about everything from Maya's posts. Cool arts and crafts throughout the house(paper chains with wishes), sandcastle cities, fairy parties, laughing as a baby dumps food on the floor, nursing her 1 yo at dinner, buffet style dinners with food seperated so guests can prepare food as they like it, none of these screams anal retentive freak to me.
Yeah. I think a lot of these aspects of MSIL are being lost as people project their own ideas of "ultra-mainstream" on her.
post #25 of 97
I am with the MSIL. Evidently she has encounter rude CSIL and her children and has decided to put her foot down. Her rules were not unreasonable for children between 7-10. Actually my 4 year old could obey all the rules.
post #26 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
That's funny. I think I'm more mainstream than crunchy, and I side with CSIL (to the extent that I side with either of them...which isn't much, actually). I don't care if MSIL is rich. I don't even care that much about rules, as such. I just don't like someone sending out an email that, imo, says "I don't like the way you parent, and I can't stop you at home, but you will parent the way I want you to while you're in my house".
Actually a lot of people here on mothering do this. They will not let their mainstream relatives (I use the term mainstream loosely) discipline their children the way they sit fit in their home, nor will they serve food they may eat, or provide entertainment their children may enjoy (like TV). I've also read where the relatives weren't allowed to bring certain kinds of toys to their house as well.

I see such a double standard here.
post #27 of 97
Ew, this is the first time I read the OP. I don't think I'm necessarily on CSIL's side, but I am CERTAINLY not on MSIL's side. Yeesh. She sounds like a real *joy* to be around. I wouldn't go on that trip with kids (or without kids, for that matter) for all the money in the world. Something that rigidly scheduled just does not sound fun to me, and I would not have someone else forcing me to leave my children with nannies or make them go to bed at a certain time. But then, I have a problem with authority figures.
post #28 of 97
Oh, and just to add:

We take a family vacation ea. yr. with my BIL and SIL and their kids (among other family members)--we all split the cost of a big beach house. And they are the rudest people EVER!

My SIL reads the whole time while her kids shriek and run amok. She won't do dishes or clean up. BIL will if asked directly. They put their trash on the counter ABOVE the trash can if the trash is full. They send their kids (ages 3 & 7) down to the beach with instructions for *us* to watch them. The 3 yr. old tried to push my son down a flight of stairs this year.

They don't bring toys for their kids, yell at my kid for not "sharing" (i.e. not handing over the toy he's using), allow their kids to smear allergens all over his toys and roll their eyes if I say anything about it.

They yell and threaten the entire week. They leave the house to go down to the beach...w/out their kids. And when asked, "Who's watching your kids?" They just shrug, "I don't know. Isn't there an adult at the house?" Meanwhile, everyone else as at least 2 kids and tends to them closely--adding another 2 kids is a big imposition--especially these kids!

It sucks. They suck. I hate it and we're not going anymore (no one is, really). But I would never, ever, ever, in a million years send out the kind of email that MSIL sent out. I just think it was just about the cruelest way to handle that situation.

So, I *do* understand MSIL's frustration to a degree. I just HATE the way she handled it.

eta: And compared to my SIL/BIL's behavior, CSIL seems like a friggin' dream! :LOL
post #29 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by OnTheFence View Post
Actually a lot of people here on mothering do this. They will not let their mainstream relatives (I use the term mainstream loosely) discipline their children the way they sit fit in their home, nor will they serve food they may eat, or provide entertainment their children may enjoy (like TV). I've also read where the relatives weren't allowed to bring certain kinds of toys to their house as well.

I see such a double standard here.
No double standard, as it was my post. The only thing in your post that applies to me is that I won't allow anybody to hit their child in my house. Other than that, they discipline how they choose, can watch TV (I wouldn't expect people to provide TV if they don't already have one or have cable or whatever, though), bring whatever toys they want. My kids play with toy guns, but they'll be put away when my brother and SIL come over at Christmas, because they don't like them around their kids. If ds1 has friends over, I find out from their parents whether or not they can watch whatever movie ds1 has planned. These people are guests.
post #30 of 97
Thread Starter 
Geez, that sounds awful, monkey's mom!! I wouldn't want to continue vacationing with people like that either.

Do they have any idea why people are no longer going on the vacation? Are you going to have to make up a story every year to get out of it, or will they just forget about it if it doesn't happen a couple of times?
post #31 of 97
But that is why msil DID send the rules - so they could all spend time together and hopefully, cohabitate for 10 days. Msil could have just not invited them again, but she did, so I give her credit for trying to sort it out so they could visit together and maybe even have a good time. By not dealing with the problems and not seeing your relatives again, no one really wins or benefits.
post #32 of 97
Well CLEARLY I only read the OP in the other thread. So obviously there's some backstory about CSIL that I've not read. I have a migraine starting, so that ain't gonna happen right now.

I'll just lurk here on this nice little short thread. :
post #33 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
Nope - MSIL's email also mentioned an adults-only event "at the Hyatt".

Actually, although it is not totally clear from my OP, MSIL did not care if CSIL did not come to the Hyatt dinner. She was hoping that she would, but was not saying that she had to "leave her kids" at home if she is not comfortable leaving them with someone else.

MSIL's is objecting to CSIL's protest of the "adults only event."
She thinks her position is "rediculous" ( that she won't go because her kids can't go, even though they are happy where they are and she can "pop in" on them repeatedly AND the kids do not care AT ALL that they are not with mom, though they wouldn't mind being at the party too AND when CSIL boycotted last year she did not spend the time with her kids, but rather in her room)

Here is my post about it on the other thread. As you can see, MSIL made a subtle difference between the two.
8. Liza and Kellie (two of my sil's 3 nannies!) will be available for sitting for you while Angie will be with James [ Hawaii SIL's baby girl] We will have two adult only parties while you are here and we expect you to show up and leave the kids upstairs). We will also go to the Hyatt one night for dinner with adults only. I have planned a fun kids night at home!
post #34 of 97
Ah, okay. I read that as CSIL being expected to attend the Hyatt thing, as well. However, you know MSIL and I don't, so I'll take your interpretation.

ETA: I have to admit that I still find the idea of a 10-day family gathering in which three adult only nights are planned to be very bizarre. I'd find that very difficult to adjust to.
post #35 of 97
Quote:
But that is why msil DID send the rules - so they could all spend time together and hopefully, cohabitate for 10 days. Msil could have just not invited them again, but she did, so I give her credit for trying to sort it out so they could visit together and maybe even have a good time. By not dealing with the problems and not seeing your relatives again, no one really wins or benefits.
My thoughts exactly.

Quote:
MSIL even admits she's anal but I don't get the impression that she's rigid about everything from Maya's posts. Cool arts and crafts throughout the house(paper chains with wishes), sandcastle cities, fairy parties, laughing as a baby dumps food on the floor, nursing her 1 yo at dinner, buffet style dinners with food seperated so guests can prepare food as they like it, none of these screams anal retentive freak to me.
Again...looks like everyone has a good time with msil except for CSIL..

Quote:
We do not have the benefit of hearing CSIL's voice in this, so it's easy to say, MSIL all the way, and assume the worst about CSIL. Or alternately, give CSIL the benefit of the doubt in some areas. At this point, a lot of people are making stuff up just because it supports the image they have in their mind of these women.
Also we don't have the benefit of hearing the MSIL's voice in this either...so its easy to say oh my god that email is horrible...msil MUST be a terrible person. Making stuff up? Making what up?
post #36 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by limabean
Geez, that sounds awful, monkey's mom!! I wouldn't want to continue vacationing with people like that either.

Do they have any idea why people are no longer going on the vacation? Are you going to have to make up a story every year to get out of it, or will they just forget about it if it doesn't happen a couple of times?
I think they know we are fed up with their behavior, b/c it comes up during the trip. But, they think we're being ridiculous.

I won't make up a story. I'll say why we aren't going--politely!

Quote:
Originally Posted by primjillie View Post
But that is why msil DID send the rules - so they could all spend time together and hopefully, cohabitate for 10 days. Msil could have just not invited them again, but she did, so I give her credit for trying to sort it out so they could visit together and maybe even have a good time. By not dealing with the problems and not seeing your relatives again, no one really wins or benefits.
Oh, I wouldn't say *no one* wins or benefits!

Again, I think there's are lots of choices betw. sending out an email of "rules" like MSIL did, and not going. I do plan to explain why we aren't going to attend. But, ultimately, this is my husband's family and his call, and he's DONE.

And frankly, trying to insist that people behave a certain way, when that's what they are accustomed to doing day-in-and-day-out, and honestly don't have a clue why you would think watching their kids in the ocean while they drink and chill out is SUCH a big deal....is way more effort than I have to give. I mean, look at how divergent the views on MSIL/CSIL are--people aren't easily convinced of other people's ideas of what constitutes politeness or consideration or what-have-you.

I personally think MSIL did much more damage to the relationship by sending out the rules. And I can about guarantee, that even stating as neutrally and politely as possible why we won't be around BIL/SIL, they are going to be offended and pissed.
post #37 of 97
I didn't reply to the other thread, but am totally on csil's side! No way is it ever appropriate to dictate the bedtimes, assigned chores, or food of guests in your home! Saying you will only provide certain food is one thing; saying "you must sit at the table and you may not eat other food" is something else. Asking guests to help out around the house is one thing; assigning chores is something else. Csil may have her flaws but sheesh.
post #38 of 97
I have been reading mothering threads since last winter and I still don't get why is it ok for kids to not be sitting when the eat? I mean do you really let your kids run wild all while eating? I know toddlers won't always want to sit to eat, but why not teach them? Having kids run around with food just creates a huge mess ( I know some of you are ok with this) but also they can easily choke while
running around eating. They can also fall and get their teeth knocked out, and choke. This is a real safety issue while they're young. When they get older its an issue of manners. You are expected to eat at the table like a family. I never had guest's kids who come for dinner and wander around while they eat dinner. If that happened to me I would ask the kid to please sit and eat too like msil. I know I'm going to get alot of we don't force our kid to do anything.....but sit at the table for dinner??? Come on now...
post #39 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by Godaime View Post
I have been reading mothering threads since last winter and I still don't get why is it ok for kids to not be sitting when the eat? I mean do you really let your kids run wild all while eating? I know toddlers won't always want to sit to eat, but why not teach them? Having kids run around with food just creates a huge mess ( I know some of you are ok with this) but also they can easily choke while
running around eating. They can also fall and get their teeth knocked out, and choke. This is a real safety issue while they're young. When they get older its an issue of manners. You are expected to eat at the table like a family. I never had guest's kids who come for dinner and wander around while they eat dinner. If that happened to me I would ask the kid to please sit and eat too like msil. I know I'm going to get alot of we don't force our kid to do anything.....but sit at the table for dinner??? Come on now...
I don't even sit at the table for dinner a lot of the time. We do ask that people of all ages eat while sitting down, to minimize spilling and choking risks, but sitting down can be anywhere--living room, bedroom, porch, wherever. Anyway, there's a big difference between running around with food in your mouth and a host dictating what, when, and where you will eat.
post #40 of 97
I don't support CSIL fully b/c it sounds like she has some issues...

but no one, MSIL included, has the right to tell me I am going to leave my child with a sitter if I don't want to. Now, to say children are not allowed is fine. But don't you dare tell me I'm not allowed to stay whereever my child is. That, my friends, is unconstitutional. Pursuit of happiness and all that.

personally, I'm a leader, not a follower. I don't do well with authority especially when that person is in fact, not a true authority figure. I'd simply pay my own way, stay somewhere else, or not go at all.

eta; ok so she's not forceably separating parents/children. well, that's better. BUT, I have a terrible memory of staying with my cousin as a 6 yr old. My uncle demanded that we pick up all crumbs off the floor on hands and knees when dinner was done. I had not been exposed to that type of dictatorship until then and it felt AWFUL. there is something quite wrong about being ordered to perform chores by one's relatives rather than parents. I just have a problem with the whole thing. Anyone with half a clue about etiquette realizes it's the faux pas of the century.
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