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Poll: Which SIL's side are you on? - Page 3

Poll Results: Which SIL's side are you on?

 
  • 66% (158)
    Mainstream/Hawaii SIL
  • 33% (79)
    Crunchy SIL
237 Total Votes  
post #41 of 97
Ok well if you don't sit at the dinner table and eat I guess I can't really expect your kid to... We do eat dinner on the porch sometimes, but theres chairs and table and everyone sits, we don't eat in the bedrooms, we can eat in the living room but not dinner since I don't want spaghetti sauce spilled on my couch.

However when you're at someone else's house and everyone is expected to be seated at the dinner table for dinner....how can you let your kid not do that. Its one thing not to do it at home, its another thing to no do it at someone else's house that expects the kids and adults to be seated at the table.

Whats the big problem with the host setting a dinner time? Its dinner time when dinner is ready at someone else's house. At home you can eat dinner whenever you want...but not at someone else's house. The host never dictated "what" you will eat...She sets out food...you choose "what" you eat...If you refuse to eat what she set out thats your problem, not the host's. I believe the host can say "we will eat seated at the dinner table" Is that the most ludicrious thing you ever heard of? No. Why should her house get messed up for your kid.
post #42 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by Godaime View Post
Ok well if you don't sit at the dinner table and eat I guess I can't really expect your kid to... We do eat dinner on the porch sometimes, but theres chairs and table and everyone sits, we don't eat in the bedrooms, we can eat in the living room but not dinner since I don't want spaghetti sauce spilled on my couch.

However when you're at someone else's house and everyone is expected to be seated at the dinner table for dinner....how can you let your kid not do that. Its one thing not to do it at home, its another thing to no do it at someone else's house that expects the kids and adults to be seated at the table.

Whats the big problem with the host setting a dinner time? Its dinner time when dinner is ready at someone else's house. At home you can eat dinner whenever you want...but not at someone else's house. The host never dictated "what" you will eat...She sets out food...you choose "what" you eat...If you refuse to eat what she set out thats your problem, not the host's. I believe the host can say "we will eat seated at the dinner table" Is that the most ludicrious thing you ever heard of? No. Why should her house get messed up for your kid.
Saying "this is when dinner is, this is what we're serving, partake or don't," is fine. Saying "you must attend dinner and you may not eat your own food" is not. That was what bothered me more than anything else, the "no different food" rule. Well, and the bedtimes. And the assigned chores.
post #43 of 97
I don't know if you missed it or not but it CLEARLY states that you don't have to partake in it...you can go out to eat with your family. You also have the choice to partake in the vacation or not...you can choose to NOT go.
post #44 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by becoming View Post
Ew, this is the first time I read the OP. I don't think I'm necessarily on CSIL's side, but I am CERTAINLY not on MSIL's side. Yeesh. She sounds like a real *joy* to be around. I wouldn't go on that trip with kids (or without kids, for that matter) for all the money in the world. Something that rigidly scheduled just does not sound fun to me, and I would not have someone else forcing me to leave my children with nannies or make them go to bed at a certain time. But then, I have a problem with authority figures.
I coulda totally written this post.
post #45 of 97
I intensely think they're both wrong, and it's ridiculous how annoying I find them considering that I will never, ever meet these people

I can pick sides for about two seconds, but then I think about the other person and get all annoyed and switch sides again. So I really can't choose!
post #46 of 97

I'm coming out...

I'll pick crunchy, even though she reminds me of one of my SILs who ruined too many family things to count, because Hawaii SIL must have a major screw loose to have THREE nannies and NO HOUSEKEEPER to clean the kitchen. WTF? That's some nerve, man, to have three nannies on the payroll and no kitchen help at a monster function like that. It might be "fun" for the kids to do the after dinner clean up together (yeah, right), but, I think they'd like to just relax and play around like everybody else.

Still, I'd freaking GO to this shindig no matter how much I didn't like the rules. There's a HAWAIIAN BEACH out the back door!! Hello?? Ten days in one of THE most beautiful places in the world, free. My kids get to play for 10 days with their cousins. MSIL can serve me eyeballs and cardboard and tell everybody I'm having an affair with a lizard, and I could care less when I'm on that beach, soaking up the rays, lulled into blissful relaxation by those waves crashing, and, hey, is that one of those, whachacallit? CABANA BOYS? uh, huh, come on over here and rub some oil on me, would you? Who do YOU vote for, Cabana Boy? (He picks the rich one, wouldn't you know? But he does NOT get a vote.)
post #47 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by Viewfinder View Post
I'll pick crunchy, even though she reminds me of one of my SILs who ruined too many family things to count, because Hawaii SIL must have a major screw loose to have THREE nannies and NO HOUSEKEEPER to clean the kitchen. WTF? That's some nerve, man, to have three nannies on the payroll and no kitchen help at a monster function like that. It might be "fun" for the kids to do the after dinner clean up together (yeah, right), but, I think they'd like to just relax and play around like everybody else.

Still, I'd freaking GO to this shindig no matter how much I didn't like the rules. There's a HAWAIIAN BEACH out the back door!! Hello?? Ten days in one of THE most beautiful places in the world, free. My kids get to play for 10 days with their cousins. MSIL can serve me eyeballs and cardboard and tell everybody I'm having an affair with a lizard, and I could care less when I'm on that beach, soaking up the rays, lulled into blissful relaxation by those waves crashing, and, hey, is that one of those, whachacallit? CABANA BOYS? uh, huh, come on over here and rub some oil on me, would you? Who do YOU vote for, Cabana Boy? (He picks the rich one, wouldn't you know? But he does NOT get a vote.)
First of all I think you win the award for: FUNNIEST POST EVER ...and bty, why in the world woud she say you are having an affair with a lizzard, we all know it's the Cabana Boy

Second, just FYI HSIL absoultely has a housekeeper, two actually (one is there in the morning, the other arrives before dinner and helps out for weekend parties). But that does not mean she thinks that kids (or adults) should not help around the house. Her children (except the baby) are expected to set the table at every meal and to clean up (dishes rinsed and in dishwasher, tables wiped down). The housekeeper does alot of work, cleaning up kitchen etc... and does not need more.
post #48 of 97
I would have to say MSIL, although I think they both sound like a piece of work. The last straw for me was CSIL hinting around for free upgraded airline tickets.

It seems pretty straightforward to me. If you don't like the rules in somebody else's house (and I wouldn't like the rules), don't go.

My ILs have a nice vacation house in a gorgeous location a couple of hours away from us. MIL has some house rules that I'm not subjecting myself or my kids to. So we just decline the invitations. We have politely told her why. No big deal.
post #49 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by primjillie View Post
I do have a question. A lot of people have mentioned that no one tells their kids what to do - when to go to bed, what to eat, how long to sit, etc. But what happens when most of the people you are with find this very offensive and it is infringing on their good time. What if the kids are a lot more disruptive than you think (I think most parents find their own children more entertaining and less trouble than others think of them)?
this is long and off topic

We don't have rules about bedtimes and such. When we visit family (or family is staying with us) it really depends on the whole situation. For example, my parents go to bed at 10. It would be rude for anyone, even grown ups, to be up past that time. So I take the kids upstairs, read to them, and we ALL go to bed. It's no big deal. When we visit DH's family it is different because there is a 7 hour time change and my kids never fully adjust. We go to bed at a reasonable time (kids are exhausted the whole time we are there) but often wake up at 3 or 4 in the morning, really hungry. So I take them to the kitchen, get them something to eat, and then we try to get back to sleep. We are quiet, but I also meet my kids' needs.

Our families' gatherings are about spending time together. The real reason my parents and my DH's family love for us to come is so they can see the kids. It would be very odd in either situation to insist that the kids are in bed before everyone else. Obviously, other families are different.

If my kids were behaving in an offensive way, I would remove them from the situation and discuss it with them. When they were young, they sometimes needed positive time outs (I stayed with them) during family visits because they just got overwelmed, over tired, and stressed out. It's been years since that has come up, though. The time of day wouldn't matter in such a situation, though. If a child is behaving in an offensive way, it doesn't matter if it is 10 in the morning or 10 at night, it needs to be dealt with in a constructive way.

We have regular family meals so my kids are used to sitting down to a table and eating and talking. Because meals with extended family tend to last longer, the kids usually get up first and go do kid things. This has never been a big deal to anyone in my extended family, as all the kids seem to be about the same in this respect. I don't think this is about what kids are forced or not forced to do, just what they are used to.
post #50 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by Godaime View Post
Again...looks like everyone has a good time with msil except for CSIL..



Also we don't have the benefit of hearing the MSIL's voice in this either...so its easy to say oh my god that email is horrible...msil MUST be a terrible person. Making stuff up? Making what up?
(my bold/emphasis added)

So you do not consider the e-mails that MSIL wrote to be her voice? If it's not her's then whose is it? As far as making stuff up, I bolded one example in your own post. You don't know if that is true at all. Maybe others had problems with MSIL but we don't know about it. I also don't think it's accurate to say that CSIL didn't have a good time either. There were conflicts, but Maya also said that everyone in the family does get along. It has been implied in several posts that CSIL spends her time pouting and sulking, when Maya has written that is not the case. She stayed upstairs in protest once.

If you would like another example, let's talk about the issue of eating at the table. The point is not consuming a meal at the table as you present it. The issue is not allowing people to be excused from the table until everyone is finished eating. That is not the same thing as asking food to be eaten at the table. Not the same thing at all.
post #51 of 97
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by bri276 View Post
I have a terrible memory of staying with my cousin as a 6 yr old. My uncle demanded that we pick up all crumbs off the floor on hands and knees when dinner was done. I had not been exposed to that type of dictatorship until then and it felt AWFUL. there is something quite wrong about being ordered to perform chores by one's relatives rather than parents.
Do you think that MSIL expecting her nieces to put their dishes in the dishwasher after dinner is equivalent to picking up crumbs on their hands and knees?

There is an abusive way to do anything -- it doesn't mean that the thing itself is inherently abusive.

And I don't understand your last sentence -- are you saying that if your parents, rather than your uncle, had told you to pick up crumbs on your hands and knees you wouldn't have thought it was awful?
post #52 of 97
well then isn't the follow up posts that maya wrote csil's voice... it is...its just written out by maya

Quote:
But last year she asked for the TV to get shut off when her dd's wanted to come in the room to get stuff (and what is mostly on is Disney Channel stuff like Drake and Josh).

As for the movies, when the girls were going to watch the DVD of Legally Blonde, she said something like "Don't tell my girls that you are going to be watching a movie tonight, I dont' let them watch stuff like that. I will just take them out.")
Quote:
As for the chores thing, last year my nieces would say to their mom CSCIL "do we HAVE to set the table" and she'd say "not unless you want to"
Quote:
Again CSIL took one look and said "I can't believe your kids eat this stuff" and plopped down the big ol jar of pb and j.
I don't really feel like digging but there are more of "csil's voice" within the 800 posts

when I said about csil having problems with msil...I meant in a major way...major enough to write a list of house rules for her. I don't mean like little things like oh msil was annoyed that so and so spilled a glass of red wine on her carpet (this is just a random example i made up)

I always thought the not being excused from the table until everyone is done is good manners.
post #53 of 97
No, it's a second hand account.

The email from MSIL was a first hand account--it was *her* speaking.
post #54 of 97
Linda ~ thanks for answering my post! You sound like a thoughtful, respectful guest. I was just wondering about those who didn't require their children in their rooms at a general time or didn't require them to sit at dinners. What if this interfered with the host's family and the other guests. Would this bother the person? Would they just expect everyone else to stifle their feelings because the person felt as their children had every right to do what they wanted and that no one (other than the parent) could tell them what to do?
post #55 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamawanabe View Post
they are both behaving badly, but, in this instance, msil is behaving worse.
This.
post #56 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by Godaime View Post
well then isn't the follow up posts that maya wrote csil's voice... it is...its just written out by maya
What monkey's mom said. What you are describing as being CSIL's voice is Maya's interpretation of CSIL's words and actions, colored by Maya's own perspective, but it is not CSIL's authentic voice.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Godaime View Post
I always thought the not being excused from the table until everyone is done is good manners.
Not excusing one's self from the table before the meal is finished is good manners, I agree with you. Forbidding people to ask to be excused is very rude, IMO, and that is what MSIL effectively told people in her e-mail.

Quote:
Originally Posted by maya's SIL's e-mail
5. Everyone is expected to SIT at every meal until all are done.
post #57 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by LittleMonkeyMom View Post
What monkey's mom said. What you are describing as being CSIL's voice is Maya's interpretation of CSIL's words and actions, colored by Maya's own perspective, but it is not CSIL's authentic voice.
That is absolutely true. I am remembering to the best of my recollection but I am sure my memories are colored by my own perspective!
post #58 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
That's funny. I think I'm more mainstream than crunchy, and I side with CSIL (to the extent that I side with either of them...which isn't much, actually). I don't care if MSIL is rich. I don't even care that much about rules, as such. I just don't like someone sending out an email that, imo, says "I don't like the way you parent, and I can't stop you at home, but you will parent the way I want you to while you're in my house".
Not at all trying to be in the least bit rude but you truly think you are mainstream? In the other thread you said you don't have any exposure to any media. You don't use any punishments at all. You use a totally non-coercive parenting approach. You don't want any free time from your kids and wouldn't find a child-free event to be something you would want to attend. You extend BF, cloth diaper, etc etc etc where is the mainstreamness?

I agree with those who say each of us seem to be putting a lot of our expectations of crunchy vs mainstream. We're told one SIL is the mainstream one and one is crunchy and work from there with some of us changing our minds as it seems that maybe CSIL isn't so crunchy and MSIL isn't so mainstream or perhaps you read things the other way and it confirms your initial perspective. I think that is what is making it such a fascinating discussion well that and it's not really a situation many of us have to worry about.
post #59 of 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brigianna View Post
I didn't reply to the other thread, but am totally on csil's side! No way is it ever appropriate to dictate the bedtimes, assigned chores, or food of guests in your home! Saying you will only provide certain food is one thing; saying "you must sit at the table and you may not eat other food" is something else. Asking guests to help out around the house is one thing; assigning chores is something else. Csil may have her flaws but sheesh.
: I voted csil, just because I would be very upset if those rules were given to me!
Of course, I'd try hard to be considerate of others' good time too, and wouldn't expect THEM to go out of their way to accompdate me.

I'd be ok with a rule "stay seated until you are done eating" but definitely not "stay seated until EVERYONE is done eating!"
post #60 of 97
I am on MSIL's "side". I might feel differently if there were infants/toddlers, but these are school-age children. Her turf, her rules. Perhaps CIL's children will return home after the vacation with a realization of how different families operate.

And since the "adults" party was in the same house, I don't see a big deal with excluding children. There is no constitutional right for a child to be invited to a party. I guess I see it as the same as any adults only activity (certain weddings/funerals, skydiving, nightclubs). Sometimes I think kids enjoy being with kids (without adults) and adults enjoy being with adults (without kids). Why is that wrong? Again from what Maya said, CIL's childrenn didn't have a problem with being excluded; it was CIL who had the problem. If her children didn't mind hanging with their cousins, why was CIL pushing to have them down with the adults?

As far as bedtimes, I am afraid I assumed that CIL was allowing her kids to be up while other children were in bed and they were disruptive while others were trying to sleep/rest. I feel that CIL's childrens rights end when they impact negatively on others. Again, is that wrong?

It all comes down to treating others with respect, particularly if they are your host. Implicit in accepting the hospitality is a realization that you are in someone else's home with their own customs and preferences.
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