Originally Posted by Storm Bride
I just don't like someone sending out an email that, imo, says "I don't like the way you parent, and I can't stop you at home, but you will parent the way I want you to while you're in my house".
I think people have got sidelined with what they personally think of the rules and the way that both SILs raise their kids, and have missed the point.
Which, imo, is, that nobody has the right to dictate to another family that they should go against their personal values in the way that they treat their children while at a family gathering, no matter who pays for the tickets and who hosts.
I said it on the monster thread, and I'll say it again. IMO that is not the way that loving families interact. If you truly want family harmony, you embrace on another's differences and love all the children. If that means feeding them pb and j every meal, then you do so with a loving heart. If that means having children stay with their mother at an 'adult' event, you welcome them with a loving heart.
I cannot fathom how anyone can support any aunt who does not welcome her nieces and nephews with tolerance and good humour, even if their mother parents them with different values to one's own.
As for the idea that as it is hosted at the MSIL"s home, she can call the shots, that smacks of control and power play imo. And many posters seem to miss the point that CSIL cannot just stay home - her husband expects her to go and she has little choice. If my dh told me that I had to go to visit his family and 'suck it up' because they were paying and because he wanted to visit with his brother, I'd be furious.
I could not look my child in the face if I'd been forced to treat him/her in a way that contradicted our principles, just because my in-laws were temporarily in a position of control.
The basic principle is the same no matter what CSIL's personal child-raising philosophies are. I don't get it that so many people miss that point.
For example, if the OP had said that MSIL had told everyone in an email that nobody was to nurse in the room with others, or cosleep, or that they must all eat non-organic food, or that children must be left to CIO at 6pm, everyone woudl be up in arms. It is equally wrong, whatever the 'rules'.
I just couldnt fathom having to stay with someone who thought that they could dictate how I treated my own children during my stay. Actually, I've been in that position once, and had to brave some pretty emphatic people while sticking to my guns. I will not treat my children disrespectfully, even if the whole army of ILs are firing big guns at me. No way, no how.
Similarly, I would never try to dictate to my ILs how they should treat their children if I were hosting for them. Although maybe I'd have a problem if they were spanking.... I havent had to deal with that, but for me, that would be an exception to the 'no interference' rule.
I love Hawaii, but I'd have to be starving to accept anything from someone who thought that she could set rules for my kids in this way. I'd feel the same even if I agreed with her rules. Not her place, and totally ugh, ugh, ugh.