18 mo old, biting, and friends response

[karma_momma]

I've searched the forum, but I haven't quite found what I wanted. My son started biting a couple months ago. After reading, "Becoming the Parent You Want to Be" I decided to put my finger to his lips and tell him we don't bite, that hurts, and then I tell the other child that I am sorry and ask if he is ok. After a few weeks he stopped biting. Well now he is biting again and we are using the same technique but it isn't working. Also, my friend, whose two year old son is his main target, is understandably upset. She is very pro-spanking and has made a couple comments including, I used to be GD, then I realized it didn't work and kids need to be spanked; what your doing isn't working, and my kids don't understand why DS never gets punished and they do. I try to stay on top of him, but it seems like he finds the only second I look away.

For example, today we went to storytime at the library. We got there early so we were playing in the kids section. My friends and her boys were there and they were playing great. They were sitting at the table putting a puzzle together. Then they ran behind as stack of books and DS bit the other
boy. I went over there and told DS no bite, then asked the other boy if he was ok and stayed on top of him the rest of the time.

My friend called me later in the day and explained how upset she was and how things weren't working out and that need to figure out something. So now I don't know what to do next. Do I just need to keep doing the same thing, or what else can I do? Why do you think he started biting again?

[Fuamami]

I think your strategy sounds great, but you do need to be more diligent about prevention. I have a hitter/thrower, and the only thing that's worked is to not let him get close enough to hit or pick up anything he could throw. This is a huge PITA, since I have to keep my hand on his arm even when he's drinking out of his sippy cup, but I feel it's necessary to protect his friends.

As far as your friend goes, I'd apologize but I wouldn't make any sort of concession in the parenting department. I'd politely and firmly say something like, "This is the way we have decided to deal with this," or "This is working for our family," or "This is what I'm comfortable doing" and change the subject.

[MtBikeLover]

Ditto to the staying on top of him. You can never let him out of your sight. It does suck for you but that is the only way you can prevent it. And you do need to prevent it because it isn't fair for the other kids to keep being bitten.

My son was a big time hitter from about 14 months til he was 26 months. It sucked big time to have to always be right there next to him, to have to be ready to take hold of his hand before he struck someone. But it was the only way to prevent the hitting.

[zeldamomma]

My 2nd dd was a biter. Her main target was dd #1, so I didn't have the friend issue you do. I learned to recognize "the look" she'd get before she bit, but I had to be right on top of her all the time.

I think with your friend, since her kid is the one being bit, she deserves an explanation of what you're doing, and why you believe you can keep her child from being bit in the future. However, I don't think she has the right to choose how you discipline your kid. If you can't work this out, you may have to start seeing her without the kids.

[robin4kids]

I care for 3, 18 month old children,,,

and gosh that is what they do. I have hitters, throwers, and a bitter. I don't believe time out is good at this age. I redirect and keep telling them things like, "mouths are for eating", "nice touch", "we throw balls, not blocks". It will not happen over night, but around 2 your dc will stop and start talking.

As for your friend, well, this may be the end of the friendship. I have 5 kids and over the years I have found that it just is not fun being friends with someone who makes every visit stressful.

[Rivka5]

Maybe you could try carrying something that he *can* bite? I hesitate to say a "chew toy," but something along those lines? Then if he gets ready to bite, you can immediately redirect him with "You can't bite Johnny, but you can bite this."

[mamaduck]

My response would be, "Yes, I think it would be a wise idea to take a break for awhile." Maybe you can get together without the kids once in a while to preserve your friendship? Moms night out. But if her little boy is the main target of your son's biting -- then I think its a good idea to avoid spending time with them for awhile. Take your son out of the situation that is too difficult for him to handle appropriately. Try again in in a few months!

Children who bite are usually non-verbal. He is expressing himself with his teeth. Its not okay, and it is important to stay on top of him and to prevent injuries. But there is no reason that you cannot pay attention to what he is trying to express at the same time. What is it that he is trying to communicate when he bites a child? Is he frustrated? Is he trying to be affectionate? Encourage whatever verbal abilities he has right now -- encourage him to "use his words" in place of biting. Consider teaching him some sign language.

Please also, consider the fact that your friend's discipline habits will begin to have an affect on your relationship eventually. You will get to the point of not wanting to be around her, if she is spanking and punishing. So -- this may be saving you from having to negotiate that sticky situation down the road.

[karma_momma]

Thanks so much for all of your replies. You guys have great advice. I agree that being diligent about staying on top of him is the best thing right now. We have alsotaken a break from the my friend. DS has been saying new words lately, but isn't communicating very effectively yet. We have tried signing before, but didn't really stick with it.
DS really wants to play, so I will try to post more later. Thanks again!