Potty learning gone to training for 3.5 yr old, totally blowing up in my face... HELP

[kindacrunchy]

So DS started to pottylearn in April or so. He was doing great. I let him go with it his own way. No schedule just "I have to go pee," "Ok let's go". I would remind him sometimes and that started to annoy him. I would chaperone him. That started to annoy him. So I let him go solo. Then he had an embarrassing accident when friends were over. He freaked out. Yelled at me for it, etc. I didn't take to that well but I did calm down, got him cleaned up, reassured him, and on he went. After that he only wanted pull-ups. Ok, fine, he needs a security blanket. He still used the potty. Then DS2 started crawling. Stopped using the potty. Then had no interest of using it at all. I would let him have naked time, he would pee on the carpet. I felt it was intentional becasue he would go in the potty during naked time when he was 2. Anyway, had a few upsets about that. I backed off. Then preschool starts. I need him to go because he is very taxing and I need the break and I feel he needs other stimulation. It is a great pre-school. He needs to be
"potty trained". I tell him he has to use the potty and I let him wear pull-ups. Come to find out, pull ups are not allowed. Tell ds he has to wear underwear to school which i was nervous about because he is hard to transition and we were still transitioning into pre-school. He refused to get dressed for an hour one day, then it got a little better. Then I thought I would buyhim cloth training pants. They are like underwear but if he has anaccident it won't trickle down his leg. He wears those to school and his pull ups when he is at home. Ok, that seems to make him happy. Then it seems confusing for him to go to shcool 2 days a week and have to think about using the potty, so I ended up where I am now. Starting over, with a potty routine. Now I have had two pooping in pull-up, him taking diaper off in another room and playing in his poop episodes. I've been told by several that this is not unusual for his age. The firt time, I totally squelched the reaction that was screaming to come out. The second time, I didn't do such a good job. In fact, after I forced him to wash his hands because he ould not do it on his own, he told me he wanted to live somewhere else because of what he did that made me so upset. OH My GOD!! What a jerk I am! So I told him that I didn't care what he did and that I loved him very much no matter what he does or says or thinks and that I was very sorry for making him feel that way.
So, I feel like we have all these negativities wrapped up in the toilet and I don't know how to get out of it and start over in a positive light. I thought we were doing well until the poop incident today. O h yeah, and I did tell him once that I wasn't changing poopy diapers anymore and that I would help him do it himself. Yesterday I told him that I was very wrong in saying that, it wasn't fair for me to expect him to do that, and that I was sorry.
HELP!

[lisac77]

Have you thought about sending him to a daycare (as opposed to a "preschool") for a few hours a week instead? Daycares are used to helping kids learn to use the potty, and I think it might be a better for your DS.

As far as getting him to go... we're kind of in the same boat. My DS turned 3 in June, and the only way he stays dry is if we take him to the potty every 1/2 hour or so. He has no interest in doing it on his own. He poops in a pull-up as well.

[CJ 5]

I don't have a lot of advice it seems like you are doing all the things that I would do. I am wondering though if you moms who PT just go potty and let your little one sit on a potty next to you? That is what I have always done and my little one doesn't seem to think pottying is such a big deal.

I know some people do not like the bribe system but my daughter thinks potty treats are the absolute bomb and loves to show them off when she gets one. WE use simple low sugar things but it is the praise and recognition that she loves. I tried the other way where I just acknowledged when she went and found that once she mastered pottying she felt it was a big waste of time since it interfered with her play time.

I am personally of the boat where I like to catch my daughter doing things well and praise her for them so she feels a sence of accomplishment. I usually ignore misses and just acknowledge that "we missed one"

Pre schools are a bit challenging because they really are not involved in the PT routine. I do think maybe a really good Day Care environment might be more supportive of your son.

[Sylith]

I don't have any fabulous advice, but I feel your pain, mama.

DS1 just turned 4. He has been 99.9% reliable with (daytime) pottying for a long time now -- IF and only if he is naked. If he's wearing anything, even underwear all by itself, he seems not to have any awareness of his need to potty. He's very perfectionistic by nature and hates making mistakes, so getting him to even attempt wearing underwear has been tough. But, if he's wearing a diaper, he'll poop, all unbeknownst to us, and not tell us, and resist being changed to the bitter end. I cannot for the life of me fathom why he does this, he knows full well he will get a nasty rash etc.

I could go along with him wearing diapers as long as he wanted, if he would only cooperate with getting changed. As things stand though, I am *done* with diapers. I announced this past Sunday, after a string of days during which I resorted to physically holding him down and cleaning poop off his horribly rashy butt while he fought and screamed at me, that I am not putting them on him anymore except for the one he sleeps in at night.

Well, it's Thursday, and we only left the house one day this week so far, because the rest of the week he has refused to get dressed. But, on that one day, he did wear underwear, and he did stay dry and use the potty apropriately while we were out.

In the back of my mind, I really am afraid that I am screwing this up big time and that he'll be talking about it in therapy one day... :

[lisac77]

Sylith, I had the exact same problem with my DS! I came to the same conclusion about diapers that you did after 2 weeks of fighting with DS over poop changes to the point where I would literally have to lie on top of him to change him. He had the worst rash he'd ever had when I took him out of diapers in June.

I take DS to the potty every 20-30 minutes throughout the day. He only poops once or twice a day, and then he soils his underwear, but it's way better than the diaper situation we had.

I figure he'll put all the pieces together eventually.

I feel your pain!

(DS was 3 in June)

[marybethorama]

FWIW my kids weren't potty trained in preschool

I had started but they were nowhere near there. I just never told anyone. My kids never pooped at school. They would go to the bathroom when it was time but I'm not sure if they went.

Eventually they potty trained and they're fine. I can fully understand why preschools don't change diapers but if it's only for a few hours and the issue never comes up, what does it matter. I think there's some wiggle room here.