how do you stay patient?

[mamatoLL]

hi im new here!

anyways I do GD of course, but lately its become hard. My DD is teething so we are not sleeping much, about 3 hours. And I find myself about to loose it more than usual. I calm myself down but man its hard. How do you stay patient?

[Rivka5]

I just read something on a parenting blog today that I loved: You don't have to BE patient, you just have to ACT patient. Of course you can't feel patient all the time, especially on such little sleep! Don't even expect it of yourself! Just do your best not to take it out on your daughter. PRETEND to be a patient mother.

Some things that have helped me to keep and/or regain my cool:

- Breaking down the day into small segments, and trying to get through them one at a time. So instead of thinking, "I don't know how I'm going to get through the day!" I would think, "What do I have to do to get through from breakfast to morning nap?"

- Getting out of the house. You don't say how old your daughter is, but since she's teething, I'd guess she's an early-to-mid toddler? There was a stretch of several months when the only thing that saved my sanity was planning a morning outing and an afternoon outing every single day. I wouldn't want to go, because I was tired, but it was actually *less* tiring to keep up with her in the park than it was trying to keep her entertained in our own living room.

- Having friends whose kids are the same age. Going over to someone else's house to play, or having someone come visit me who has been there, often makes the difference between meltdown and cope.

- Doing something to break the mood. When I'm worn out, I usually want to get by with just doing the minimum. Of course that makes matters worse, as my daughter clamors for attention and tries out dangerous or destructive things out of boredom. When I get close to losing my patience and I just want her to leave me ALONE, I will start something fun and interactive - say, putting on an energetic CD and dancing with her. It shakes her out of her "whine and destroy" mission and cheers me up too. Afterward, she's more inclined to do her own thing let me rest - and, paradoxically, I need it a little less.

[deliciousjones]

Rivka5: Thank you SO MUCH for posting your list of what works for you. They're great suggestions and I will definitely be putting them into play today.

[Blu Razzberri]

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:

(me too, this is my problem too...all too often)

[Dal]

One thing that's very helpful for me is to always assume the best that makes sense in relation to whatever I know about the situation. When Simon, who is 2.5, acts in ways that seem inappropriate, this is pretty much invariably because some of his needs haven't been met, especially his need for sleep.

Another thing: I tend to have a long thought process when conflicts arise, which gets me out of thinking: "Oh my Gawd, this is SOOO annoying!!! I've GOT to get him to stop this NOWWWW!" Instead, I'm thinking things like: what need is he trying to meet by doing this (kicking the wall repeatedly), does it really matter, has he had enough sleep, how can I help ensure that he gets more sleep tomorrow, maybe we could spend some time playing, and so on... Actually telling Simon "We have a conflict. You want to kick the wall but that is making a lot of noise and it hurts my ears, I also feel that we should be gentle to our house. Could you please stop kicking the wall? Let's find something to do that works for both of us. How about X?" He's so cooperative when his needs are met, I don't really care when he's having a hard time with things (in the sense of thinking that I need to fix him). I just think that he's learning these things slowly, as they are hard to learn, so that of course he's going to have problems when all systems are not functioning at their finest.

Interestingly (to me), he can read a few words now (he's just memorized how they look). When asked to read them, he got the words right 100% of the time for over a week. The other day, though, on Thanksgiving, we thought that since it was a special day we'd have some greasy chemical-laden chips and some soy ice cream. He has no issue with soy, but the chocolate, sugar, and chemicals from the chips were not good! He wasn't in a bad mood, but he was a bit manic. He could no longer read the three words he had never gotten wrong. He was still a bit off the next day. The following day he was finally back to normal and hasn't gotten any of those three words wrong again. I really think that when the skills that we have are so fresh, it doesn't take a lot to make them out of reach, especially for very young children who are so enthusiastic and life and whose emotions can be so strong.

[Blu Razzberri]

hmm...food reactions. Never thought about that!

*goes back into the corner to observe the conversation*

[rmzbm]

Originally Posted by Rivka5

You don't have to BE patient, you just have to ACT patient.

[dulce de leche]

ICAM with the previous posters. Great advice!

Also, really study what is age-appropriate. Understanding that some things (like impulse control) aren't there just because they understand the words can be helpful. Knowing that it is part of normal development helps keep you away from the mindset that your children are trying to be manipulative, etc. They really aren't, in spite of what non-GD people will say.

The most helpful thing I can do w/ dd if I start to get frustrated is reconnect. If she is doing something that bothers me, most often offering a hug or special time (books, a moonspree, etc.) will immediately change both of our attitudes. I was always told that that would be 'rewarding' inappropriate behaviour, but that is nonsense. If you were having a stressful day, and someone you loved came up and held you and loved on you it wouldn't reinforce 'bad' behavior--it would let you know that they cared and wanted to help you.

[arniflora]

What great advice!!!

Today was an extremely unusual day for us. We were helping a friend in a very stressful situation and unfortunately ds didn't get his nap...

By the time we got home, ds was whacked out! He was kicking, hitting, and brand new as of this evening, head-butting me! Oh what joy. I knew exactly why he was doing it. He was sleep deprived. No point in getting upset, what he needed was sleep. I did what dulce de leche does, I gave him lots of hugs and sang to him the (just made up) "Oh, You Are So Tired" song. It made him giggle, and me too.

That's actually something I do alot that helps - sing. I sing for transitions, like the "We're gonna change your diaper" song, and the "We're gonna go upstairs and take a nap" song, the "Clean up" song, etc... I made all of these up from random tunes. It helps him know what's gonna happen next. Removes alot of stress.

I also "act" patient, when I'm not necessarily so, and remind myself that, "this, too, shall pass..."

If you can remove yourself from the situation and just take a step back to watch her, and try to get some cues from her, it will help you so much.

Good luck!

[Dal]

arniflora, sorry you had a rough day but glad you had helpful tools to help with it.

Your post reminds me: I often use Simon's off times to teach him about listening to his body. Not while he's really upset, of course, but when he's off and still able to listen. I ask him questions such as: "Is your body telling you anything? Does it feel like you are tired? Maybe you are feeling sensitive because you didn't get enough sleep last night." Things like that. Sometime we joke that his body is talking to him. I do the same when I'm cranky and whatnot. One thing I've been known to say: "Oh my! Look at my face. See how tired I look. My eyes are red and my eyelids are so puffy. Yikes! I didn't get enough sleep last night!" Similarly, if I'm cranky or whatnot, I'll say, "Simon, I'm sorry that I'm not much fun today. I'm SOOO cranky. I didn't get enough sleep last night and I'm feeling so sensitive today. I'll be careful to get more sleep as I don't like to be cranky and sensitive." (Our main needs-based issues are sleep related.)

[LynnS6]

to the OP: find someone to help you take a nap. I'm a lousy parent when I'm sleep deprived. (I'm not so hot when I'm hungry either). 3 hours of sleep is NOT enough to help anyone have patience.

Originally Posted by Rivka5

You don't have to BE patient, you just have to ACT patient.

I confess, I don't get this. HOW exactly do you achieve this.

Patience is my big issue. I know it is. I have the patience to let my kids help when I would really rather do it myself. I have the patience to take 20 minutes to walk to the corner. But, when I'm tired, it's 8:45 and after a good hour long bedtime routine they suddenly balk at going upstairs to brush their teeth, I have no patience. I cannot act like I have patience.

[sparkeze]

I think by getting better at acting patient, it helps with actually being more patient as well!

Patience is a big issue with me too, particularly after being sleep deprived!! The things that worked best for us were to think how gorgeous my baby is, how much easier it would be if I only made the situation funny (ex. tickle chasing to where you want to go, making a funny face to diffuse the mood, etc), a BIG hug and kiss, trying to think of any underlying reasons for the behavior and taking several deep breaths (can also be done together).

I realized for myself that part of the reason why I lose my patience is because I feel that to some extent the amount of anger that I exhibit shows how angry I am. I could easily do one of my above suggestions but I feel that it would make the behavior seem okay to my child. YKWIM? But the thing is that once I get past the situation it is never as bad as it was in the moment.

[Dal]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

I confess, I don't get this. HOW exactly do you achieve this.

How I act patient when I'm not: Sometimes I bite my bottom lip while I'm trying to find some reserves to deal with the situation. This is something Simon can't see (I do it when he's not looking at my face). It helps to vent a bit and get out some of my negative emotions. I've never caused anything other than minimal and temporary pain while doing this.

At other times I may have: "OMG this is sooo annoying" going on in my head but I quickly try to come up with a way to move things into a new direction, so Simon again won't see my frustration or impatience. Sometimes I think it's best too to just share with him that I'm very frustrated.

[Dal]

Originally Posted by sparkeze

I could easily do one of my above suggestions but I feel that it would make the behavior seem okay to my child. YKWIM? But the thing is that once I get past the situation it is never as bad as it was in the moment.

I think a child whose parents are angry learn fear and defensiveness more so than what is wrong about whatever the adult is angry about. What about showing concern, sadness, frustration, and surprise that your child would e.g. hit another child or whatever it is? Simon is learning empathy and respect for other people just fine and I don't react to him with anger or even with sterness in my voice.

One other thing comes to mind: We want our children to (e.g.) not hit another child because of the harm that so doing causes the other child, not because the attack would anger her/his parents. So... calmly and solemnly pointing out that the other child is sad and hurt and having a little discussion about it and maybe play-acting similar scenarios seems more effective to me than getting angry at the hitter to convey that one thinks hitting is wrong. It shouldn't be so much about what the parent thinks is right, but about the real-life impact that the child's actions have on the world, i.e., about why it is that hitting other people (or whatever) is not a good thing to do.

[katallen]

I stay patient by letting go of the chores and sleeping when dd sleeps whenever sleep is an issue. I also make sure to get time for myself that is totally free of work and responsibility, like a movie or just a few hours reading a book in addition to sleeping about 4 times a year. We also don't stay home a lot especially when I am at the edge of my patience because it is easier to keep control when we are watched by the public and also a change of scenery often helps us relax and switch into a better mood.