Birthday party dilemma! Help!

[becoming]

We're having a birthday party for both of our kids, Chase who is turning 5, and Anna who is turning 1, tomorrow at our house. We invited the 15 children in Chase's Pre-K class, as well as several children in our family. Yesterday I got an RSVP from a mom of a little girl in Chase's class, and the first thing she asks is, "Can I just drop her off, or do I need to stay with her?" This question just totally shocked me, because I never even thought about moms of 4-year-olds that we don't know just wanting to drop their kids off at our house. (This kid has been in Chase's class for a month now, and I have never met or talked to the mother prior to this.) I didn't really know what to say to this, so I told her, " You are more than welcome to stay with her. I was thinking most parents would stay with the kids, since they are so young." She goes, "Well, she says she won't be bad." : Then she goes on to say, "I'll just drop her off and come back home, and you guys can call me when you're ready for me to come get her."

SO, not only am I going to have a 4-year-old I've never met running amock at my house without parental supervision, I've got to be the bad guy by deciding when it's time for her to leave. Also, how am I going to be able to pay attention to my TWO children that are celebrating their birthdays when I am trying to watch out for this other kid I don't even know? Ugh. I realize now that I should have put somewhere on the invitation that parents have to stay at the party. Is it too late to tell this mom that I need her to stay with her daughter? I don't want to keep the little girl from coming, because Chase really likes her and was excited to hear that she was coming. Plus, she's the only kid from his class who has RSVP'ed to say she was coming.

Is it common for 4-year-olds to be dropped off at birthday parties?

What would you do in this situation?

[chel]

5 is around the age when many kids go to parties without their parents. The mom did ask and you gave her the option of not coming. Honestly, since you don't really know the parents, I would expect that they might spend lots of the time talking to eachother and you're going to be incharge of the little ones anyways.
Sounds like lots of people, big and small, could you hire a "mother's helper"
I invite whole families to my dd's B/D parties. Maybe the mom has other dc she has to watch and didn't feel you would want the extra dc. Or some hosts don't want to have to supply food for the adults and would prefer only the invited dc stays.

dd has a "fall party" coming up and the invitation didn't say if parents should stay or not. I think the whole class (22 dc) is invited. Dh is upset about me not finding out. I told him that we'll just have to see when we drop her off. We have to factor in- how dd feels, total # of dc, ratio of adults to dc, how wild the dc are, how safe the area is -child proof home/fenced in backyard, what the other parents are doing, etc.

[jillywilson]

Does this mother have older children? If so, maybe she's already used to the "drop off" birthdays and doesn't realize that it might be unusual or uncomfortable for other people.

It seems like 5 and 6 are the ages when people just start dropping kids off for parties. It makes it easier for me now to drop off my older dd when her younger sister isn't invited.

[LovemyBoo]

Does she have any younger children? Maybe she doesn't relish the idea of bringing a toddler and/or a baby.

Some parents seem more trusting than others. I wouldn't have left my child at 4 with a family I was unfamiliar with, but that's me. You did give the option and she made a choice. I wouldn't backtrack now unless you really feel you have to.

[newmommy]

IMO, you should have told her "No, please stay with DC, as hostess, I will have my hands and will have a zillion things to tend to...I'm sure you understand."

Going forward, this is going to be my rule for DS's Birthday party: until he gets a certain age (not sure what Age) I will request that the parent must stay with their child. I am not a babysitter.

I watched as one of my best friends ran herself ragged tending to several children whose parents had dropped them off (without her permission) at her 4 year old's birthday party. Her next door neigbor did it twice.

I haven't seen the neighbor at any more birthday parties either.

She was cussing up a storm she was so mad.

[Irishmommy]

If I was having a party for kids that age, I would expect most, if not all, to be dropped off rather than have a parent stay. I certainly wouldn't expect a parent to stay.

[becoming]

Wow. I guess I'm the one who thinks differently. I don't leave my 4-year-old with anyone I don't know even five minutes, much less two hours or more, and thought most of you would feel the same. Maybe I am overreacting. I guess I'm just going to suck it up and let the mom drop her off, since that seems okay with everyone else.

[eepster]

Originally Posted by chel

Sounds like lots of people, big and small, could you hire a "mother's helper"

:

If you were close with another mommy maybe you could ask her to host a small tea & coffee gathering for the moms in the kitchen. It means more work for you, but might intice more moms to stay (though I wouldn't count on them for much help.)

Also letting moms know that they can bring along siblings IF THEY STAY. Might help.

[newmommy]

Originally Posted by becoming

Wow. I guess I'm the one who thinks differently. I don't leave my 4-year-old with anyone I don't know even five minutes, much less two hours or more, and thought most of you would feel the same. Maybe I am overreacting. I guess I'm just going to suck it up and let the mom drop her off, since that seems okay with everyone else.

Nope, you aren't alone on this. It would never occur to me drop DS off at a B-Day party. I don't care if I know the Mom or not.

There are just too many things that could go wrong in *Your* house and guess who's going to be held responsible? You are.

Someone's child get hurt, their Mommy will be looking at you and who knows what kind of charges you will face.

DS will probably be in his teens before I "drop him off"

[Viewfinder]

Your son is excited she's coming? Don't mess it up!

Hi becoming,

I understand your dilemma, now you're kinda backed into a corner, but, it's so sweet when the kiddies take a shine to each other, it'd be awful to maybe upset this new mom by renegging at this point.

If she was to say that she could not stay herself, and therefore, if you are not willing/able to watch her dd then her dd won't be able to come, would you reconsider taking her after all? If so, then just bite the bullet and ask some other parents to please help you keep an eye on her.

Or, as an alternative that will ensure your son's enjoyment of the child's presence, maybe you could call the mom and ask her if she would come by for a little "get to know ya" visit BEFORE the party by a day or so, so that her dd will "know" you a little, and not be confused at all who's supposed to watch her. Maybe then you can find out why the mom wouldn't be staying, and if it's that she is afraid she won't know anyone, then maybe she WILL stay after all.

I am really surprised that anyone would leave their child with someone they don't know, for any reason. There could be anyone at these parties. Crowds of strangers... strangers to the hosts, to the other kids, all sorts show up to these things. I've been really surprised by who all is standing around at a kiddie party... you think it's just going to be mom's, but it isn't. I wouldn't want my child to be looking for the bathroom and feel surrounded by a whole bunch of unfamiliar faces and just feel lost and maybe get scared.

[oyemicanto]

Another mom for no-drop offs I wouldn't leave my children alone at a stranger's house for any reason, at least until they are, I don't know, maybe 7 and I knew the parents.

[IansMommy]

Originally Posted by becoming

Wow. I guess I'm the one who thinks differently. I don't leave my 4-year-old with anyone I don't know even five minutes, much less two hours or more, and thought most of you would feel the same. Maybe I am overreacting. I guess I'm just going to suck it up and let the mom drop her off, since that seems okay with everyone else.

You are NOT overreacting.
I would never leave my almost 4 year old unattended at a party.
What if there are rough kids?
What if the house isn't safe (childproof)?
What if there is a family member/neighbor who isn't safe for my child to be around?
What if the mom running the party is too busy to attend to my child's needs?

Until my child is old enough read, to dial 911, not ingest cleaning fluid or defend herself...no way.
I don't think this is paranoid.

[LookMommy!]

Not my dd1, or ds2, but definitely my dd3!

All children are different, and my dd3 (now 5.5) would have been definitely capable to go to a b-day party on her own. If she couldn't find the bathroom, she would have asked the birthday child. She has never been the kind to randomly wander around and get into trouble, and she follows directions very well. If I didn't know the parent, I would probably be able to size up the family and house in a few minutes. Also, I would feel confident that I could be reached in an emergency.

My daughter is totally the "OK, mom, you can leave now--hint hint" type. She has been going on sleepovers since she was 3. (And for what it's worth, she was hb, bf until 3, and hs until a month ago. The other 2 kids were not, and were much clingier).

When I host a birthday party, I'm thrilled when the moms all leave. I can totally handle kids, but I find it hard to simultaneously entertain the adults in my teeny tiny apt. Plus, I feel pressured to put out some adult snacks. If I need help, I hire a 12 year old (now I have my dd12 and her friend usually), but I can usually manage with my dh and maybe 1 other mom.

If you expected her to stay, you should have been honest with her. There is no reason to put her down for not wanting to stay. Maybe she isn't into clowns and sheet cake or whatever. I'm sure the party will be fine.

[srain]

My son went to two 4-year-olds' parties where all the other kids were just dropped off. (My husband stayed with him.) When my son turned 5, we had a big party, and about two thirds of the parents stayed.

It sounds like you were taken by surprise when she asked, so unfortunately your response implied that it was okay to drop off her kid, even though it really wasn't okay with you. Do you know any of the other parents who will be staying well enough to ask them to look out for the kid so you don't have to?