Threats & Honesty with a 5 year old

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Hi,

We’ve pretty well avoided threats and bribes with DC but something has come up lately and I’d like to hear your opinions on this. She's 5, in pre-K and we've all been getting along really well lately.

I’ve been telling DC that we can do things (like a play date or going to the park) more often if she is cooperative. It works. I think the reason it feels okay now (as opposed to when she was younger) is because I think she can understand that, although it sounds like a threat (and maybe is in many ways) it’s also the truth. If DC can handle an hour long play date (short for her) and jump in the car when it’s time for me to go to work, I enjoy doing that with her, yk?

This is interesting to me, parenting an older child (DC has had a major emotional leap recently). I remember a time when I (as a child) initiated a bribe system for getting good grades. I was so surprised that my parents were willing to go along with it…but, in the end, I decided on my own that I didn’t like the idea.

I wonder if this is what’s in store for DC and I…where she has a greater say in what kind of discipline or encouragement we use as a family.

What are your thoughts on this?

[sunnmama]

Oh, yes, I can relate! But I don't think of it as threats and bribes....I think of it as discussing realities. And I love that, with maturation, dd can discuss, understand, and accept realities much more often!

I do think it matters that we've carefully chosen our battles dd in the past....that we've tried to let the small stuff go, or used GD strategies to manage larger problems while avoiding power struggles (as much as possible). I believe that dd *trusts* me and my reasons. And that makes a big difference in her cooperation.

[DevaMajka]

It sounds ok to me. It doesn't really sound like a behaviorist use of a threat, it sounds like you are telling her how you feel about certain situations.
I do say similar things to ds, even at his age. "I feel less like cooperating with you when you are whining." (whining is really my one sore spot, that I have little patience for). Sometimes he'll even say "oh, yeah!" and then *try* to ask in a calm voice (whether he succeeds or not, I sincerely appreciate the effort).
I don't refuse to do what he's asking for though even if he does keep whining, I say it to give information about the situation, and how I am feeling. So that's a big difference between what I do and what you are doing. But there is also a huge difference between a 2yo and a 5yo!
I guess my thought is that I would gauge the situation based on how it is affecting your dd. How does she seem to take it? As a threat? Or as you telling her how her actions are affecting you? kwim?

[luchita]

I do this too, although my dd is only 3. Being very new to GD, I said this instinctively, rather than based on a concept. But I feel like I'm just being honest. The reality is, we will have a better time/day if we can enjoy our outings tantrum-free.

Yesterday, when my dd was having her meltdown at the park, I did say something along the lines of how that behavior makes me not want to take her to the park. I cringed when I said it, but I can't deny that it's true.

[mamaduck]

Not only is a good way to handle things, but I think it helps our children learn how to manage their own moods. Wouldn't it be great if everyone learned to stay home and care for themselves when they are feeling out of sorts? To take some extra down time and get their acts together before putting themselves in a situation to take their frustrations and rage out on the world around them?

And I think it passes the test too, of whether or not its an approach that I would take with a peer and still find it respectful. I would absoluately tell DH, for example, that I wasn't in the mood for a date night with him if he was being cranky and mean!