Runaway toddler...

[sandy'smama]

I need help! My 28mo DS just runs away whenever it takes his fancy. If I want to go one way he runs the other.
He will stop eventually but his range of comfort is very long. I would say he will run 200 - 300 yards before starting to slow down and looking why mom is not running after him (I experimented in safe areas ).
I tried to "leave" him and walk away, looking back and telling him that I am walking slowly to X and to come when he is ready, he would not, he would just stand on the spot and scream untill I got a long way away and then run and sob (I felt absolutely awful doing that so please do not beat me up about it - it did not really work so will not do it again).
He is very lively and interested in everything and I do love him that way but we live in a big city with lots of traffic ect. I just can't have him run off like that, it is plainly not safe. I am also due with DC 2 in 3 weeks time so running after him is getting a bit problematic. He hates the stroller, I can't carry him any big distance anymore without getting exhausted and if I catch up with him and pick him up against his will he squirms and tries to get away as well as screams and shouts, which makes carrying him even worse.
Sometimes he will slow down when I call and sometimes he will not even glance backwards, I guess he just got used to the fact that either DH or I WILL follow him.
i guess my mistake was regarding our daily outings as his time for fun and letting him do whatever he wanted (within reason), making sure he was safe and always following him.
He will hold hands when he wants to and walk by us like a real angel (I heard peolpe pointing him out to their own kids as example - if only they knew the truth...) ocasionally.
Anyway I am rambling but I would like your advice as things will need to change but I would like to change them gently.

TIA

Ania

[straighthaircurly]

I feel for what you are going through. My ds was never one to sit and watch the world go by...he hated shopping carts and strollers most of the time and loved running/darting away. I had the luxury of being able to carry him on my shoulders whenever he got too carried away in an unsafe place (although in a couple tanrums he yanked hair out of my head...ouch!).

I even bought a harness when we had to travel to a foreign city with really busy streets. The harness didn't work but something about being in a new city made him get serious about listening and holding my hand.

But back to your reality. With dc #2 on the way you have fewer options. Friends of mine with multiple children love to let them run loose but find that they just can't in certain situations until they are old enough to understand AND follow directions. I would explain the situation, bring the stroller, ask him to walk holding the stroller and then if he can't, he needs to ride in the stroller for a little while and then he can try again. His safety is critical.

Good luck and just remember that within 6 months this problem will probably be gone or mostly gone.

[tboroson]

Please don't be afraid to give a harness a try. If he doesn't like it, he doesn't like it... but some kids *love* them. DD1 was like that. She got such a huge kick out of wearing hers. I think we only used it like three times total, but she would go and get it and get me to put it on her just to play. She liked the bells on it She was exactly like your dc. Total bolter, with a natural range that was many times past my comfort level - or reasonable safety.

[luchita]

Oh I totally understand this one! My dd will be 3 next week and she was exactly the same way. I got to the point where I just didn't take her anywhere that would make me completely stress out. I couldn't take her to the store because she'd bolt in the parking lot, not sit in a cart, take off constantly within the store. She never seemed to care much that she couldn't see me anymore!

Sooooo...months later...I recently finally tried the store again. We had a talk before going in about how she could behave. I made sure we had an activity planned for after the shopping trip that she was really looking to, like visiting DH at work or going to a friend's house, whatever. I hate to say I bribed, but I did remind her periodically of the activity while we were in the store. She did great! And we haven't had problems since. I can take her in a big store and actually BROWSE! She stays close by me. I give her the option of riding a cart or walking next to me.

The other thing I did, was keep her interest by talking to her about all the different things we're looking at. I let her choose things that we buy (if it's not imperative that I buy a specific item). For instance, I'll as her opinion if I should buy the black shirt or the pink shirt. Does the want the plastic pumpking with the scary face or the happy face? Things like that...

It's much easier now and maybe a lot has to do with just growing out of it.

Good luck!

[sandy'smama]

Thank you for the replies. I tried the harness and all was fine until we decided to go separate ways (TANTRUM). There was a time when he just started walking when I attached a 25ft retractable dog lead to his harness and in places like the zoo or botanic garden it used to give me enough time to read some of the info displayed before he toddled the length of it . Now that he runs everywhere that would not work... I will keep trying tho' with harness and putting him back in stroller and if all else fails I guess I will just have to wait for him to grow out of the running away thing .
Thank you for support, so good to know I am not the only one with a marathon kid.

[messy mama]

Both of my boys did this.

What eventually worked is making it a game. Does he know how to play Red light, Green light yet? I taught them that game one day in the back yard. They enjoyed it. We practiced it for awhile, let them get the hang of it. Then I started using it when they would run off.

Another thing we would do is, if they were running away, I would find something in the opposite direction and start running to it. I would say, "I'm racing you to that tree, I think I'm gonna win". "Can you run faster than mommy?"

Here is something my mom would do that isn't so "playful". She would talk to the kids in a "not running away" moment about how important it is to stop when mommy or grammy says "STOP". Then she would practice w/ them, a lot. Just take them to the park or even the back yard, let them run, then say "STOP". Practice it on a regular basis. She did this w/ her kids, her grandkids and all of the toddlers she has nannied for and it almost always works.

[rainyday]

Ditto what Messy Mama said. I'd definitely make stopping a game. We did this, and it worked really well. Even after he seems to "get it" as a game, keep talking about stopping when you say stop and practicing saying stop while you run errands. For example, after he's learned it and gotten good at it as a game in a park or your yard or wherever, then try the mall. Let him walk near you and if he gets too far, say stop. I'd say stop as soon as he starts to run because it's just too hard to catch up to a running toddler--especially when you're pregnant or carrying a baby!

Until he really gets that it's not ok to run away and consistently stays with you and stops when you say stop, I'd keep my hand on him (or use the harness--but not let it out 25 feet. Even at 25 feet, he'll still be frustrated, but it's more dangerous for everyone else walking by who might not see the line). I also wouldn't let it out 25 feet because you want him to learn to stay closer to you. 25 feet is too far to be safe without a harness if you're someplace busy, so it might be good to get him used to being closer. Maybe 5 feet or so?

I'd mainly see the harness as a temporary thing until he stops bolting, and I'd keep talking about how you'd like to let him walk without it, but until he stops bolting you have to keep him safe. Safety, safety, safety until he's sick of hearing about it but really understands it. If the harness doesn't work, just use the stroller or hold his hand. The main thing is to keep him safe until he learns, and it's not safe to have a very pregnant mama running after him!