Kids are not sneaky

[allgirls]

Ya know...my kids are far from perfectly behaved..I have 4 ages 16, 12, 3 and 11 mos(I am talking about the older 3 here of course)

I try to use GD and we don't do punishments although sometimes the tv goes off if they fight over it or the computer goes away if they don't finish their chores...which I think is fair since usually the computer is the distraction that prevents the chores from getting done.


anyway...one thing I have to say...they do things I don't approve of but I would bet everytime something has gone wrong in the last 6 mos...when I asked they confessed..some money was missing...I asked,, my 12 year old said immediately she took it with the intention of paying it back out of her bank account(she can't access it without me) and that she just forgot about it at the time..I believe her. Dad's calculator went missing..she immediately confessed to taking it to school..etc. She was not afraid to tell us the truth because she knew she wouldn't get in trouble..not only that she was terribly terribly sorry and remorseful, not because she got caught but because she knew she had done wrong and just felt bad. She lost the calculator and is working it off in chores helping DH when he gets back.

My 3 year old never blames anyone for anything...I say "why is your sister crying?" she says "I took the toy away from her" and we have a little talk about it and we give baby back the toy or another one and so on.

My 16 year old tells me minute details of her social life and the life of all the kids around her, that she drank some wine at a party and got tipsy and that she got home at 3am one night because their ride bagged off on them and they waited and waited and couldn't find a ride so they walked home(small town, not a big danger) when they realised they didn't have a ride...but her friend didnt' tell her mom because she "would have killed her' but my dd told me.

I am sure they don't tell me everything..and that's fine..I am not sure I need to know everything but I am pretty confident that because they know I don't freak out about things they seem to be more honest and confess.

So I think that's a BIG advantage to no punishment.

Of course now that I have written this it's going to jump up and bite me in the butt right?

[mamaduck]

No, I don't think you are mistaken at all. I do think this is one of the wonderful things about GD. And of course, they are allowed boundries and we don't expect to hear every detail of their thought lives. But I agree that there doesn't seem to be a "sneaking around" tendency in our kids.

In contrast -- I babysit kids who sneak, lie and still constantly and who's parents respond by saying, "Isn't that just what kids do?" These kids are looking for ways to get what they need without being punished. They are not learning how to problem solve or negotiate with their parents. I'm not saying its a huge big deal, and I know there are developmental stages that kids go through where they try these behaviors out regardless of their family relationships. But as a pattern, I do see it where kids are punished. But more importantly, I see it happening (consistantly over time) when parents expect it to happen.

My children can be difficult to live with. They can be loud, irritating, persistant, obnoxious, argumentative, rowdy, and annoying. But these behaviors are about as bad as it gets. Our oldest is 10 years old. We have not encountered lying, stealing, sneaking, intentional hurtfullness, covering up stuff, etc. I can live with the former catagory of behaviors by mentally listing them as "childish behaviors." But I'm really glad that there is an openess here, and a willingness to problem solve/work through conflicts of interest. Because I think it eliminates the need for the "immoral behaviors" that damage relationships and create unhealthy habits.

Or maybe we just got really lucky with our kiddos!

[Joannarachel]

That's a really sweet testimony

It's nice to hear from 'older' moms who can prove to me that GD works!

[rmzbm]

Well said! My oldest child is only 8 but I see the same in him...well, in the others as well...
GD works alright!

[monkey's mom]

Yep, ask my almost 5 yr. old, "Why is your brother crying?" and you'll get, "I hit him."

Which is a great "learning moment" for hashing out ideas of what to do, instead of hitting, when he's mad that his brother has just whacked him over the head with a toy.

But, yeah, no lying/sneaky stuff here, either.

And, the kid CAN LIE, too! He loves to pull my leg about stuff, "Nope, didn't win a trophy today at the races. But, that's OK, it's about having fun." Total poker face and a giant trophy sitting on the mantel. Goofy little monkey.

[Sylith]

I was just thinking about something along these lines this morning. DS1, age 4, came to me with candy in hand and said, "Mommy, can I eat this?" I told him I thought he'd feel better if he ate something healthy first, and asked him what he wanted for breakfast. He griped, complained, asked me about 8 more times, and then let me make him breakfast and ate that, followed immediately by the candy

Now, if he'd just eaten the candy, I would not have even known he was doing it. If I found out later, I would have done nothing more than voice my diapproval of his choice. So, he chose to ask first, and he chose to comply, not because he was forced but because he genuinely respects my... dare I say it... authority.

We've been in kind of a yucky parenting place with him since DS2 was born in July, so moments like this are nice.

[monkey's mom]

Originally Posted by Sylith

So, he chose to ask first, and he chose to comply, not because he was forced but because he genuinely respects my... dare I say it... authority.

See, I think he respects your *opinion.*

[heartmama]

I would not say my 10 year old is incapable of lying, but he seems incapable of lying for more than 5 seconds.

Secrecy has never, ever been part of him. If ds suspects there is anything he shouldn't say, he is beside himself until he says it. Practically chewing on his shirt. I really think this is temperment, but GD definitely gave him no incentive to learn to be sneaky. He is nearly incapable of sneaky behavior. Suffice it to say this is not a kid you want to help plan a surprise party. I speak from experience.

[Rhiannon Feimorgan]

My parents weren't compleatly AP, but they wern't overbearingly strict either. When I was a teenager I was alowed to stay out as long as I wanted but it was expected that I wouldn't get in a car with someone who was drinking and that if I called for a ride home after 11 my parents would be grumpy about it (they would come and get me if it was dangerous for me to walk home from where I was but they wouldn't be happy about it) not because of how late I was out but because they were ready for bed and didn't want to have to go drive somewhere. I learned that we respected each other as human beings and I was usually home by 11 out of respect for my parents bed time and I desire not to have to walk too far.

Bottom line is there wasn't a whole lot that was forbidden in my life other that out right safety issues so I didn't feel the alure of forbidden fruit and, I think, I made better desisions than a lot of my pears who were sneaking around out of a need to rebel.

[nextcommercial]

My daughter has never been sneaky......

Oh, shoot, yes she has, but it was when she was little and doing something that she KNEW was wrong, but really wanted to do anyway. Often times ti was done to make me mad. Like cut her hair.

But, if I EVER ask her something "Did you bite Christopher?" SHe says "Yes". I never bother with "Why?" Occasionally she will tell me why. But I think "Why" is a waste of time, and a frustrating question. If she wants to justify it, she will tell me.

But, because she was not punished for what she did that was wrong, she always talks to me now. (she's a teenager) Her friends are amazed that she actually VOLUNTARILY confessed. They look at her like she has lost her mind. But, I listen, then I say. "Well, cussing at that other girl was not the smartest thing" and then we will drop it until later. But I NEVER lecture or punish.

[urchin_grey]

Wow, I'm glad I found this... I'm not going to say that my parents were terrible parents but I can tell you right now that my older sisters and I lied about a lot of things. Now with the youngest two (10 and 13) they don't lie NEARLY as much because they don't get punished for everyday stuff. They might lose some privliges for bad grades or something but they're not going to get spanked/punished/yelled at for just whatever.

[karlin]

Great thread.

My son (who just turned 3 last month) asked me for some chocolate the other day. Actually, he asked me for "3 chocolates". I told him that I'd rather he have something healthy, since he had already eaten lots of chocolate earlier that day (my DS has had food issues in the past, so I tend to let him eat at least a little of anything he chooses that he isn't allergic to). He was pretty upset. I followed him out to the kitchen. As he was sobbing about the chocolate (he's 3, so he cries and whines about everything lately), he pushes a chair up to the counter, crawls up to the cabinets, open them, and takes out 3 chocolates. He then smiles at me and says, "See mom, 3 chocolates!". Then he went off and ate them. If I had ever punished him, I'm sure he would have been quiet and waited until I was not in the room. He knew he had nothing to fear. In fact, I was pretty amused. He didn't see it as "defying me", only that he didn't like my advice.