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Jericho's birth (c/s and childloss)

post #1 of 44
Thread Starter 
I never felt comfortable posting this in the birth stories until my second son was born, but I want to contribute a story of grief along with my UBAC.

My pregnancy with Jericho was unassisted, and wonderful. I could not have asked for a better experience. I wasn't fatigued, nauseated, I didn't feel uncomfortable at all - but early on I felt like something was wrong. IT wasn't a scary feeling, just a knowledge that it wasn't okay. I had the option to get an ultrasound after I contacted my old midwife, but I eventually decided to decline. I didn't want to be told that he'd die, and instead I wanted to find my peace with what I had... so I did.

I would describe to DH, sometimes in great detail, what Jericho would look like when he came out and what was wrong with him. In the end, mother's instinct proved to be very accurate. While it never lessons the blow of losing your child, I was not surprised that he died shortly after birth.

Because his story is long, I split it into three parts and I'm going to link it instead of post it all here. It would be a big read in just one post.

----------
part one
part two
part three
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About eight weeks after I had him I found out I Was pregnant. DH and I had been using condoms and had not intended to TTC for over a year... it was a huge surprise, and I was very scared.
There was no doubt in our minds to go unassisted again, especially since I was due to give birth only 10.5 months from my cesarean: there was no way I'd get a VBAC, especially in places that had some of hte highest c/s rates in the country.
I felt from the very beginning I Was having a girl, even from the night of conception. Many people have suggested to me this was self-defense: if I'd known I was having another boy I would have been terrified. Deep down I wanted a boy so badly, but didn't allow myself to hope for it because I felt that betrayed my first son.

To read that story, go here: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=533856
My triumphant, beautiful, empowering UBAC of my second son.
post #2 of 44
OMG. I am sorry seems like a stupid thing to say but I don't know what else to say. I am so, so sorry. I cannot imagine human beings treating someone the way that hospital treated you. Unreal.
post #3 of 44
I am so sorry for your loss mama It breaks my heart to hear how you were treated in that hospital. I think you are a wondeful person for going unassisted and allowing your sweet babe the chance to be born and pass in the loving arms of his father. Rest peacefully sweet baby Thank you so much for sharing your story.
post #4 of 44
I am sorry mama. I don't know what else to say. what a heartwrenching story! for little beautiful baby Jericho
post #5 of 44
Thank you for sharing your story. I learned so much from reading your journey--about life, and love, and intuition, and the power of a woman's body and a mother's love. It is heartbreaking, but inspiring in equal measure.
post #6 of 44
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine your heartache. It's wonderful he was with his father when he passed. I'm so sorry that they treated you so horribly. Sending you love and healing. for Jericho.
post #7 of 44
Thanks for sharing this.

s mama.
post #8 of 44
((HUGS))) and love to you...thank you so much for sharing your story, and yourself, with us.
post #9 of 44
mama, I've always admired you. this story, while heartbreaking, was the story of life. it was beautiful.
post #10 of 44
Oh, I'm so so sorry I wish there were words to make it better.
post #11 of 44
I just wept....from one mother, one woman to another, I just wept.........then I nursed my infant baby girl, stroked her skin and held her little hand all the while thinking of you and Jericho.

Then I went outside, extended my arms and hugged the mountains of BC and embracing you all the while....hope you felt it
post #12 of 44
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by cdnmom View Post
I just wept....from one mother, one woman to another, I just wept.........then I nursed my infant baby girl, stroked her skin and held her little hand all the while thinking of you and Jericho.

Then I went outside, extended my arms and hugged the mountains of BC and embracing you all the while....hope you felt it
That was wonderful... thank you.
The anniversary of my son's death is coming up, and I need those hugs a lot. It was good for me to post this here.
post #13 of 44
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by pamamidwife View Post
mama, I've always admired you. this story, while heartbreaking, was the story of life. it was beautiful.
You have no idea how that makes me feel, because I've admired you and all of your posts so much!
post #14 of 44
You have such courage. I will never forget reading Jericho's story the first time. And how angry and sad and scared and (I agree with pamamidwife) full of life it was.
post #15 of 44
Thank you for sharing your journey with us, I have learned so much from reading your posts and send my love to you and your family as you near the anniversary. Your spirit was palpable thru your words. May your family be blessed beyond measure.

Carrie
post #16 of 44
your story is tough. i'm so proud and happy you were able to share his life experience and that he was not alone when he left. hugs and kisses.
post #17 of 44
I just read the entire story of Jericho's birth and Xan's birth. I am still crying--it is a powerful story. You are a strong and beautiful woman. Many, many hugs and love. Thank you.

Marja
post #18 of 44
I am so glad for you. That you have found peace with your experience. I have a similar story...I'll tell you one day!

Enjoy your son....congratulations!

B
post #19 of 44
Babs- Thank you do much for sharing your story...I was in tears not only becasue of your loss but also because of what an amazing person you are...and although this is not quite the same thing I thought I might share - when I had my second miscarriage I was also on the OB floor right by the nursery and listeing to the newborns all around me as I lost my baby is something that will always make me so sad...Thank you again for trustin gus with such a special piece of your life and enjoy your new son!!!
post #20 of 44
I don't know what to say...thank you for being such a strong mama!
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