grounding 9 yo

[sweetymom]

I just grounded my 9 yo son. He was acting sooooo bad today. The last straw is when he yelled at me in front of his friend. Is this normal behavior for a 9 yo? Anyway he lost all playdate and party privledges until the 28th of this month. He can't watch TV for 2 weeks and he can't "play" on the computer for a month. Is that severe? I never have had to punish him this much. The most I have done is taken away his legos. Am I in for worse behavior the older he gets? Teenage years scare me. I remember myself back then! How do y'all discipline your preteens?:

[UnschoolnMa]

I am so sorry that you and your son are having a tough time. It's not easy to have those days, and we all have them every now and then I suspect.

I don't think grounding is a good idea. We don't do any kind of grounding or taking away of items or access to media. I feel that it doesn't help communicate what I am feeling, and what my concerns are. It certainly doesn't do anything to help my child relate to me (and others) in a healthier way. We try to talk, even if it means we all take a cool down period, and figure out what went wrong, why, and what we could do instead. Sometimes all it turns out to be is a bad day.

I'd spend more time talking than grounding. Best of luck to you and your Ds.

[Tinas3muskateers]

What was he doing all day? I think the punshiment is a little harsh. It doesnt fit the crime imo.

[MillingNome]

Originally Posted by sweetymom

How do y'all discipline your preteens?:

I too never ground or hit. To me it does not address the root cause. If dd had yelled at me, I would have told the friend the playdate is over as dd and I have some issues to work out. Then I would have set about either a cooling down period or gone right into talking to her about what the heck was wrong. Chances are some other things were going on that I didn't know about. It is not like I accept that behavior. I don't. It's just that I think that children are still learning how to control themselves and need guidiance on how to do it. Sometimes they are going to screw up. Heck, adults aren't any different. I just want to give her a chance to explain herself, a chance for me to explain what I thought and meet at a point of understanding.

[sweetymom]

My 9 yo was overreacting to everything that day. He had a smart mouth to his friend and me many times over the course of a few hours. I couldn't just tell his friend the playdate was over. We were watching him because his parents were out on a date. My husband and I did not immediately ground him. We cooled down. After his friend left we had some family talk time. He recognized what he did was wrong but I felt like there needed to be more than words exchanged. DH comes from a family where if he did something like yelling at his mom a good spanking would have occured. I came from a family were I was ignored for bad a good actions. We overcame our own past discipline occurances and decided something had to be taken away to get our sons attention. Maybe we should have taken away 1 thing instead of three but I can't go back on my word now can I?

[MillingNome]

Oh- I see... couldn't just send the firend home. It would be up to you to go back on your word. No good easy answer there, that's for sure.

[UnschoolnMa]

Actually I would go back on my word if I was feeling that I overreacted. I would say just that. "I have been thinking about what happened the other day, and I think I overreacted a bit. I was angry and made decisions in the heat of the moment. I don't think you should be grounded from all these things, and I'd like to let some of that go. The attitude you were giving me really bothered me though. Can we talk about that?"

[Nature]

Originally Posted by UnschoolnMa

Actually I would go back on my word if I was feeling that I overreacted. I would say just that. "I have been thinking about what happened the other day, and I think I overreacted a bit. I was angry and made decisions in the heat of the moment. I don't think you should be grounded from all these things, and I'd like to let some of that go. The attitude you were giving me really bothered me though. Can we talk about that?"

:

[GooeyRN]

I think the punishment is a bit harsh. No computer for a month?! I can understand maybe a few days to a week, but a month is pretty harsh. He probably wouldn't even remember what he did that long from now. But thats just my opinion. I think its a little overkill, too. No TV, friends, or computer for atleast a week? Thats taking so much away at a time for a young boy. I don't think its wrong to have a loss of priviliges for certain things, but not so many losses and for such an extended period for a small infraction.

[BelovedK]

Moved from Preteens and Teens

[heartmama]

My son is 10.

First, I definitely think it is okay, and very healthy, to tell your son you over reacted. Admitting a mistake sets a powerful example. So does bulldoggedly hanging on to an over reaction made in the heat of the moment. He already knows you over reacted. You aren't going to be giving new information when you admit it. If you stick with a decision that is clearly an over reaction, you are telling him "It's not okay to admit a mistake or change your mind once it's made up. People will lose respect for you. You have to stick with a decision no matter how much you regret it".

We do not use grounding or taking away of things, or any kind of punishment.

What I would have done, would have been to offer the guest an activity he could do alone~watch a tv show, read, play a video game. Then I would have spoken alone to ds. I would say something like "You are speaking rudely and it's embarassing me and hurting your friends feelings too. Can we talk about this?" If he said no, I would say "Okay. Then find a room and take an activity with you. It is okay to feel grumpy or angry and have a bad day. Everyone has bad days. It is not okay to take it out on the people around you. You are responsible for your bad moods. It's okay to say "I am really having a bad day. I don't know what to do about it". You need time by yourself to get centered. If you want to talk, I am here".

Then, you need to center yourself. This is about your ds learning how to behave in the world. You cannot punish him into being responsible for himself. That happens in the moment, with coaching and guidance. He needs boundaries~but he needs them right then~not for the entire month AFTER his bad day, kwim?

Ultimately you have to see that "bad day" as something that happens to everyone, all their life. How do you want him to handle his "bad days" as he gets older? Do you want him to bottle it up, or fume for weeks afterwards? Probably not. It would be better to give him language and direction right when he has a bad day, to say "I am having a bad day. Sorry that I'm being grumpy to everyone. I need some time alone to recenter." You want him to learn how to take responsibility for his bad days *when he has them*...not by stopping himself from having them, because that is not possible. He's human. He is going to have days when he feels irritable, grumpy and contrary. No punishment will change that, kwim?

I would say you just were caught off guard. At this point it would be enough to say "I was very unhappy with how you acted yesterday. I felt angry and hurt and worried that you didn't care how others felt. I know that you do care. I'm not going to punish you. Next time, I will give you guidance and help you learn how to handle those bigger emotions when they happen".

No need to let this ruin one more day together. It's behind you both now, so leave it there.

[mamaduck]

I have a 10 year old son, and can ditto everything that Heartmama just posted. Word for word.

We don't take things away unless they are directly related to the misbehavior. Ie. -- the only time I would take away computer privlages would be if he was actively abusing the computer in some way. Even then, we'd probably still let him use the computer, just insist that he do it under supervision for awhile.

Taking away things as a punishment teaches that powerful people can control little people by attacking what they value. I don't want my son to live that way. I want him to learn to respect what other people value. I want him to learn to communicate with people, and to have control over himself.

What I would have done, at the time:
1) Take my son into private and describe the behavior.
2) Ask why he is acting that way, what he can do to imporove.
3) Make and implement a plan, which would probably involve him getting some time to himself.

I also want to say that sometimes the playdates that are really "babysitting" are hard on my son too. He's not always interested in socializing or having a friend over. I do make frequent commitments to watch other people's kids, but I have to remember that this does not obligate my children to play with them. They usually *do.* But if they'd rather be alone in a different room, then thats acceptable, and I will entertain the guests.

I'm not saying this was at the root of your son's behavior. But I think its probably not a stretch to suggest that *something* was making your son feel "off" that day. Instead of punishing him for a month, I would try to talk with him about what was causing him to be that way, and how he can handle it next time in a better way.

And yes, you can back down on the punishment. Its fine to tell him that you changed your mind and want to try a different route.

[mamaduck]

I almost forget.
Yes. A smart mouth is typical at this age. Lord help me. But you know what? A sharp mind and an articulate tounge are gifts! Its just a matter of learning to channel those impulses!

Maybe instead of grounding him, you could ask him to rephrase every smart comment he made, and practice stating those thoughts without the rudeness or the insult. That might help him the next time. Its important that kids learn to say what they want to say, but *how* to say it with tact and respect.

[kennedy444]

IMO it would be okay to go back on what you said and lighten the punishment. Use it as a learning tool that even moms and dads can overreact, change their mind, etc.

[kennedy444]

Originally Posted by mamaduck

I
Maybe instead of grounding him, you could ask him to rephrase every smart comment he made, and practice stating those thoughts without the rudeness or the insult.

Someone suggested this to me once too. When my kids are fresh or say something inappropriate or disrespectful, I ask them to think of at least three other ways (polite, respectful ways) to rephrase what they've said and to change their tone. Whatever we're doing comes to a stop until this is done.

[warriorprincess]

I like the rephrasing idea.

I am not completely anti- punishment but I do think you went overboard. It will do both you and DS good to admit you're human to him and to ease up on him. It sounds like he may have been tired, hungry or overstimulated.
The only time we have ever grounded our 9 yo it related directly to his going out and playing with his friends( he was supposed to be with one friend and went to another's without telling us). I would not ground him for a smart mouth.

[nextcommercial]

I don't use grounding, because as a child, it didn't make me feel bad about what I had done.

I just went to my room and instead of "thinking about what I just did". I thought about how mean my parents were. Then I would tell my friends at school how mean my parents are. I cannot remember a single grounding where I was remourseful of what ever terrible thing I had done.

Plus, I just devised ways of not getting caught next time. LOL.

What I did do, was inform my nine year old that her friends needed to go home. "So, we could talk". That way, her little day was over, and I would let her cool down a bit, and usually she would tell me before I talked to her that she was sorry. And she was always truly sorry. THEN she would tell me what she was upset about in a better way. Most often, I had to admit that she had a right to be angry about something that I had done, and I would then apolgize to her.

Nine year old boys tend to be "Cocky" around their friends. SO, he may just want to look cool to his friends. That doesn't make it ok, just normal.

I remember one night as a kid, I was watching The Partridge family and I was being particulary hateful. My mom came in and instead of slapping me, (which was normal) She took my temperature. LOL I was kinda stunned. She said, "You usually don't act like this, I wonder if you are getting sick" <--insert worried look. LOL. It worked. I changed my attitude.

[irinam]

Originally Posted by heartmama

My son is 10.

First, I definitely think it is okay, and very healthy, to tell your son you over reacted. Admitting a mistake sets a powerful example. So does bulldoggedly hanging on to an over reaction made in the heat of the moment. He already knows you over reacted. You aren't going to be giving new information when you admit it. If you stick with a decision that is clearly an over reaction, you are telling him "It's not okay to admit a mistake or change your mind once it's made up. People will lose respect for you. You have to stick with a decision no matter how much you regret it".

We do not use grounding or taking away of things, or any kind of punishment.

What I would have done, would have been to offer the guest an activity he could do alone~watch a tv show, read, play a video game. Then I would have spoken alone to ds. I would say something like "You are speaking rudely and it's embarassing me and hurting your friends feelings too. Can we talk about this?" If he said no, I would say "Okay. Then find a room and take an activity with you. It is okay to feel grumpy or angry and have a bad day. Everyone has bad days. It is not okay to take it out on the people around you. You are responsible for your bad moods. It's okay to say "I am really having a bad day. I don't know what to do about it". You need time by yourself to get centered. If you want to talk, I am here".

Then, you need to center yourself. This is about your ds learning how to behave in the world. You cannot punish him into being responsible for himself. That happens in the moment, with coaching and guidance. He needs boundaries~but he needs them right then~not for the entire month AFTER his bad day, kwim?

Ultimately you have to see that "bad day" as something that happens to everyone, all their life. How do you want him to handle his "bad days" as he gets older? Do you want him to bottle it up, or fume for weeks afterwards? Probably not. It would be better to give him language and direction right when he has a bad day, to say "I am having a bad day. Sorry that I'm being grumpy to everyone. I need some time alone to recenter." You want him to learn how to take responsibility for his bad days *when he has them*...not by stopping himself from having them, because that is not possible. He's human. He is going to have days when he feels irritable, grumpy and contrary. No punishment will change that, kwim?

I would say you just were caught off guard. At this point it would be enough to say "I was very unhappy with how you acted yesterday. I felt angry and hurt and worried that you didn't care how others felt. I know that you do care. I'm not going to punish you. Next time, I will give you guidance and help you learn how to handle those bigger emotions when they happen".

No need to let this ruin one more day together. It's behind you both now, so leave it there.

Wholeheartedly agree!

[MamaWindmill]

I have apologized to my 11 year old son before. When people make mistakes, they say they're sorry - that's the message I'm trying to get across. I think the punishment you've described is too harsh, and spans over too long a time period - after awhile, this punishment will likely foster resentment, not remorse. I think i would have waited until the friend left (I agree with what Mamaduck said about the babysitting/playdate - he could have been plain tired of that kid) and asked "what was that all about, dude? You were totally rude to X! And ps, don't yell at me around your friends, it's totally not cool. For real, I don't do it to you, I don't appreciate you doing it to me." of course, the way I talk to my kid probably seems overly familiar or glib or something to some people, so please interpret that however you would say it.

It won't make you weak to say "Okay, I have reconsidered your punishment." It will show what a strong and wise mama you already are. I see from your signature that you clearly adore your boy, and I'm sure that, in the grand scheme of things, his wonderful qualities vastly outnumber his occasional butthead moments (I am totally childish, sorry).

And a few PSes : a) yes, this is typical behavior and b) sort of OT - I noticed you said the most you've done before is take his legoes. I'm one of those people who thinks his stuff is his personal property and isn't mine to take, etc. How does everyone else feel about this issue?

[heartmama]

I'm one of those people who thinks his stuff is his personal property and isn't mine to take, etc. How does everyone else feel about this issue?

No I never take things away. I think it plays on materialism, and forces a child to care *more* about their stuff, and I don't want to encourage that.

I also think it is really difficult for a child to see around the emotions stirred up when someone takes away a favored possession. It plays on a tendency in humans to attach their ego to inanimate objects...it can feel very threatening, which leads to indifference to anything but getting back the object for it's own sake. It's like laying out a set of cards you want you want your child to see, and then setting of fireworks a few feet away. Their attention is completely taken up by the fireworks. The cards never even register. The child really *can't* behave for any reason other than the big glaring issue staring them in the face...and the parent has set it up that way.

I have a very clear memory of my parents doing this exact punishment when I was four. What amazes me now is the level of indignation and outrage I felt at such a young age. Even the beginnings of a very mature sense of "I won't let them see me sweat"...I pretended NOT to care, because in fact I felt totally helpless and outraged and disgusted... I never doubted for one second that it was wrong for them to take her away from me. I behaved afterwards but it never once occured to me to feel sorry. I could not feel sorry--they should be sorry! Whatever I had done wrong, they had done something so huge and terrible in my own mind, that was all I could see. It was *just as if a perfect stranger stole the doll and then wanted to make a point to me about how I deserved it*. It was just like that.

As parents we want to see that it's different-that somehow, since we are the source of these toys, our children won't take it as badly as if a stranger took their toy away. But to the child, it's really all the same. Humans are very simple and complex at the same time. Even kids.