grounding 9 yo - Page 2

[heartmama]

One small P.S. :

I do get the idea of taking away an object that is itself the problem...ie the truck your 2 year old repeatedly bangs into your head...or the car keys your 5 year old keeps throwing dangerously close to the toilet. I get, I do, and I've been there.

I think what we are talking about here is taking something away that you know your child will care about, in order to make them "sweat" over a lesson you are trying to teach.

[LynnS6]

I think that you majorly overreacted. No TV for 2 weeks? No playdates for 2 weeks? No computer for a MONTH?

I guess the problem I see is that where on earth are you going to go from here? What happens if he takes money from your wallet (many kids try this, I did, and I wasn't 'evil' or doomed to a life of crime, just seeing what would happen)? If he doesn't come home when he should? Are you going to ratchet up the punishment until it becomes absurd (no TV ever?! You may NEVER leave the house?!)

What is he going to learn from having these things taken away?

What do you WANT him to learn and how can you teach him those things? (See the other posts for suggestions.) Next time, separate him from his friend and tell him to cool off.

I would tell him up front that you were so angry you over reacted. Reduce the punishment at very least to something reasonable -- like making amends with you. Maybe helping you do a chore? give back the TV and the playdates.

Then read Playful Parenting.

[captain optimism]

My kid is little and i haven't BTDT.

The punishment is too harsh for YOU! You took away all of his regular amusements at once! What would he do for active play in this situation? Can he go outside and shoot hoops, or is that off limits when he's grounded?

I'm not crazy about punishment as a way to impose good behavior, but if you're going to punish, you have to be selfish about it! You have to think about what the impact is going to be on you when your kid is bored out of his skull!

[mamaduck]

Yeah, C.O. I was thinking that too. She's punishing herself as much as she's punishing him. I would think more than twice about revoking privlages that represent periods of peace and quiet for mama!

I remember once, one of my kids hit the other in the middle of an argument. DH jumped in and said, "Do that again, and there will be no TV for a month!" I pulled him aside immediately, and said, "First of all, that is not a logical or helpful connection to make, and I'm not comfortable with using it. Second of all, I resent you threatening to take away the 30 minutes or so of peace and quiet that *I* get all day long!" LOL. He apologized to me, told them that he had over-reacted, and suggested they play in different spaces until they were ready to be kind to each other.

[mamaduck]

Heart - I appreciate your points. I was thinking of going more into the philosophy behind "taking things away." Don't know if it derails the thread too much or not.

When we decided not to spank, we tried taking things away for all of a couple days. It did not take much to realize that the principle was the same as the principle behind spanking, and the affect on our son's dignity was similar. Basically, if the child misbhaves, then the parents try to figure out how to affect him where it hurts to most. And the pain (in this case, emotional) is supposed to motivate behavior.

There are so many ways this can backfire, and so many risks that make it not worth it!

[warriorprincess]

Originally Posted by captain optimism

but if you're going to punish, you have to be selfish about it! You have to think about what the impact is going to be on you when your kid is bored out of his skull!

I definately agree! Sometimes when the kids have done something destructive or dangerous outside (digging where they shouldn't, trying to swing from the clothesline) DH trues to take away their outdoor priveleges. To which I say, "No way!". I would go NUTS if I couldn't sedn the kids outside .I would really rather he do some crazy pointless thing like a time out or lines than infringe on my sanity that way.

[mamaduck]

Sweetymom -- can we get an update? How goes the grounding? How is your son's behavior lately?

[**guest**]

Originally Posted by UnschoolnMa

Actually I would go back on my word if I was feeling that I overreacted. I would say just that. "I have been thinking about what happened the other day, and I think I overreacted a bit. I was angry and made decisions in the heat of the moment. I don't think you should be grounded from all these things, and I'd like to let some of that go. The attitude you were giving me really bothered me though. Can we talk about that?"

[sweetymom]

update

I appreciate all the comments made-especially mamaducks:

"Taking away things as a punishment teaches that powerful people can control little people by attacking what they value. I don't want my son to live that way. I want him to learn to respect what other people value. I want him to learn to communicate with people, and to have control over himself.
"

and

"Yes. A smart mouth is typical at this age. Lord help me. But you know what? A sharp mind and an articulate tounge are gifts! Its just a matter of learning to channel those impulses!"

I do feel I was a bit harsh. I've talked with him about his "punishments" and how next time he misbehaves the consequences will better fit the action. Taking away TV and computer time isn't that big of a deal because he doesn't really spend too much time on those anyway. But I don't want to get into the whole materialism thing that another insiteful mama brought up. I want him to be able to communicate better with people and not feel like he is being control. I want him to understatnd his actions and what is appropriate and what is not. I want him to know that everyone has off days. Mamaduck, where did all you excellent thinking come from? Any good book recomendations? DS doesn't seem to be holding a grudge against us. He actually has been very pleasent to be around. Even thought I've decided not to ease up on the taking away of privledges, I have better tools to use next time when things like this happen. Thanks to all of you...

[mamaduck]

Sweety-mom -- It makes me really happy that my words were helpful to you! You just never know what is going to make a difference, do you? Sometimes someone just hits on exactly the words I need to hear too.

I've read lots of parenting books, but my all time favorites are "Kids are Worth It" by Barbara Coloroso, and "Kids, Parents, and Power Strugles" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. I imagine that either book (or both!) would be helpful to you also, at this stage in your son's development.

[sweetymom]

mamaduck-thanks for the book recommendations. I ordered them both. They sound full of good info

[mamaduck]

Very cool! I hope they are helpful to you!