Just a story - Page 2

[umami_mommy]

Originally Posted by chfriend

I understand about the violent household, but I guess I'd want to look at your definition of violence. Little kids hitting/acting out is not violence. It's age appropriate, although difficult, behavior. a la spitting out food one does not like, rather than making an awful face and swallowing. Your babies are sooo little. They can just be loved up on when they are feeling so bad they hit.

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and also, helping children learn about impulse control is mostly about modeling and reminding. it's important that you control your impulse to "do something" about your son's "violence" other than reminding him to keep his hands and feet to himself and be gentle with his sister. (and moving and distracting him when required) he doesn't know anything about your history, he's just being a normal kid.

one other question... is the timeout having the desired response? meaning has it stopped his behavior? usually anything that gets a really big response from mommy and daddy is behavior that is repeated.

[Joannarachel]

Originally Posted by honeybeedreams

:

and also, helping children learn about impulse control is mostly about modeling and reminding. it's important that you control your impulse to "do something" about your son's "violence" other than reminding him to keep his hands and feet to himself and be gentle with his sister. (and moving and distracting him when required) he doesn't know anything about your history, he's just being a normal kid.

one other question... is the timeout having the desired response? meaning has it stopped his behavior? usually anything that gets a really big response from mommy and daddy is behavior that is repeated.

Actually, oddly enough, it works very well. We've only done it a few times.

By 'violence' I mean that he deliberately tries to hurt us or his sister by hitting or kicking. Obviously he can't do too much damage (except for the one time he got my husband in his boy area : ). And he HAS hurt the baby

We do do LOADS of distraction and redirection. I don't mean to give the impression that the little guy lives in time out. We are a very open, verbal family. I am NOT punishment oriented, believe me. I was punished enough growing up . I just have a very short fuse for hitting.

On the few times he has actually hurt us, I've wanted to make my reaction swift and big enough that it made an impression. Up until about 2 months ago, I was able to do it verbally (OH NO! Matthew, you made sister cry! Look how sad sister is! Let's give her love and cuddles and remember to use gentle hands for sister.) That seemed to be enough, he would instantly go lovey on his sister.

But about 2 months ago, he started giving me the 'look' : and hitting her again, HARDER when I reacted. The first time he did that, my jaw dropped, and I carried him away and put him in time out. I told him, "You are in time-out because you hurt sister. I cannot allow you to be near sister if you are going to hurt her. You need to sit here for one minute."

Then I went and comforted the baby who was howling

[umami_mommy]

Originally Posted by Joannarachel

I was punished enough growing up . I just have a very short fuse for hitting.

But about 2 months ago, he started giving me the 'look' : and hitting her again, HARDER when I reacted. The first time he did that, my jaw dropped, and I carried him away and put him in time out.

this was kinda my point.

look, you have to do what you feel comfortable doing with your children and family, but you did say you were open to suggestions.

[Joannarachel]

Originally Posted by honeybeedreams

this was kinda my point.

look, you have to do what you feel comfortable doing with your children and family, but you did say you were open to suggestions.

I am open for suggestions I thought we were having a dialogue. I wasn't trying to sound defensive.

[chfriend]

How would you respond if he was a baby? And he kicked you hard enough to hurt? You might cry because it hurt you, but you wouldn't feel like you had to "do" something "to" him that was big and fast. What if you reacted big and fast as you saw "the look." Oh no, I can't let you hurt sister, I am swooping in to keep her safe.

You could see his anger and acknowlege it, albeit inappropriately expressed.

One year olds do not have the ability to control their impulses, especially when overcome with an urgent need or big feeling. So if you have only had him hurt someone a few times, it's going pretty well. If you're doing the reward/punishment route, he deserves an awful lot of rewards!

You are bigger, faster, louder, more brilliant and more powerful to your one year old than you can even begin to conceive. You will make a tremendous impression on him by hugging him and telling him that you know that he is angry and you love him. If you keep modeling compassionate behavior and harmonious ways of interacting, he'll learn them just fine.

Sweet wishes for healing for you and your husband for the violence you never deserved.

[umami_mommy]

Originally Posted by Joannarachel

I am open for suggestions I thought we were having a dialogue. I wasn't trying to sound defensive.

i'll try again.

hitting at this age isn't about violence. your son is not trying to hurt his sister. it's about impuse control and learning about his environment and how he can affect it. he's exploring what happens when he does this and mommy does that. he's learning. however, you are modeling poor impuse control by swiftly punishing (or reacting to) him when he acts in a way your values tell you is wrong. this tells him that it's oaky for big people to act impulsively, but not him. and it's oaky for you to control his behavior with a punishment called "timeout." which is really the witholding of attention and affection. a punishment child are really affected by.

when my son was few days old, my cat used his head as a launching pad to jump up on the headboard. she scratched his head and boy did my son cry. it was terrible. i wanted to kill her. but i didn't do anything, other than say, NO! NO JUMPING ON THE BABY! and we kept her off the bed for a while. why? because she didn't *mean* to hurt my son, she is just a confused cat who didn't understand why she couldn't be close to me all of a sudden.

when my son was about 9 months old he started abusing the cats... hitting, throwing stuff, pulling their tails. we never punished him for it. why? he didn't understand that he was hurting them. we spend lots of time saying "gentle, gentle" and using the gentle sign in ASL. and then i would show him how to pet the cat gentle. i would do it and then i would ask him if he wanted to try. sometimes he would get bit. one of our cats bites if you touch her back feet. the one that died last year would bit if he got to rough with her. while i didn't like that, they never bit him hard enough to brake the skin and we would explain that they bit him becuase he was hurting them. finally when he was like 3 he figured it out, but it took lots of time, patience and supervision.

my son does sometimes hit now out of anger and frustration. we tell him "you're angry. you may not hit/kick daddy/mommy. do you want to tell me what you are angry about?" usually he just screams, but that's okay. since we never hit him out of anger or poor impulse control, i figure he'll grow out of it as soon as he matures enough to talk about he's upset.

in order for this to make sense for you, you'll need to ask yourself some questions, like "what exactly am i teaching my son when i punish him for exploring his environment?" "is giving him a timeout helping me to connect with him, or pushing us apart?" "what can i do to meet his needs at this moment (and his sister too) that will also meet my needs too?"

having a plan in place ahead of time helps us with situations that make me mad. i have a hot temper and get mad at my son sometimes when patience would work better... and it works better for me to deal with somethings ahead of time. sometimes it works well, sometimes not, but hey, at least i tried.

those of us who were raised with hitting and are trying to parent differently are all just feeling our way in the dark sometimes. it's a learn as you go process.