3 yo decides to be "bad"

[UmmSamiyah]

I don't get it. Out of no where my 3 yo has decided to do things that are wrong. He is becoming more of a nuisance, he seems to be happy when I he frustrates me by smiling and continuing to do whatever he is doing. He is deliberately NOT doing what he is supposed to do and i don't get it. I try to GD him but NOTHING is working. I almost hate picking him up from my moms house because he is such a pain in the butt! AAAGHHHH! Lately when I or DH tell him to do something he says NO and flat out refuses to cooperate. Threats, compromises, promises, nothing will persuade to cooperate. It is even more frustrating because DD who is older is a tattle tale and if I don't respond she will then act out. I can't take it anymore.

[mamaduck]

I just noticed this thread about to be bumped off the page, with no responses! Oh dear! Can't let that happen.

Three year olds are hard, hard, HARD to live with!!!! It is a rough age, and a lot of what you are encountering will be outgrown. So please take comfort in that.

I suggest chosing your battles really carefully. Try to limit the number of things you require of him, and be prepared to follow through when you do have to ask something of him. Non-negotiables should be limited to matters of safety and health.

Also -- try to reframe the way you look at him. Instead of seeing him as a "pain in the butt," try to look at him as "spirited." Take the hardest things to deal with, and try to think about what positive character traits might grow out of those tendancies. A "stubbron" child, for example, can grow to be a persistant person, which is a good thing! What are the "bright sides" to your son's difficult personality traits?

[UmmSamiyah]

I think I am going to lose my mind! We went to the doctors office today and every single time someone opened the door he would run out so fast that the nurses got used to coming in really quickly and not leaving the door open to long. It was so embarrassing. He insists on not only touching things but banging on them and he is usually a quiet person except for when he decides out of no where to start yelling. I can't seem to control any part of him. and he truly is a pain in the butt. but i wouldn't mind that if he would just calm down sometimes. i feel like he is just railroading me at every turn and I don't know what to do. it almost makes me want to cry

[mellymommy]

Hi there! Oh, I've been there!! My son is almost 4 and he was the same way!! So, here are some tips from a just off the 3yo crazy train:

1.) DO NOT REACT--if your child sees that you are having an emotional reaction, especially a negative emotional reaction, he will take that as a cue to either keep going or he will take on your negative emotion.

2.) It is important to KNOW YOUR BOUNDARIES and HAVE LOGICAL CONSEQUENSES. For example, if you are in the grocery store and your monkey is running around and not obeying normal rules of conduct, offer him a choice, "It is not a good idea to run around the store, so you may walk next to me calmly or you may be buckled into the cart. It is your choice." This seems silly, but a few times of getting buckled into that front cart and he will know what the better choice is. And if he screams while you finish your shopping, just remember that you are accountable to your child and not to these strangers giving you "dirty" looks and that you came to provide for your family, not to make friends.

3.) Give away as much power as possible. Let him decide what shirt, pant, undies he will wear, what fruit he will eat, what plate he wants, which potty to go in. Anything that he can do or decide for himself (within reason, of course), let him do and decide on his own. When you give away most of the "power" like this, you have a greater bargaining chip when you need to make the decision. Like in the doctor's office, "Honey, you got to be the boss a lot today--you picked out your shirt, your breakfast, you openned the doors for us, and picked out our juice. Now Mommy needs to be the boss and I need you to sit or play quietly while we talk with the doctor. If you do not, then you will not get to decide who sits next to Mommy at dinner." Again this seems silly but as long as you follow through, he will get it quite quickly.

4.) Know that he is smart and can follow directions and can sit still, but it is difficult right now and he needs a lot of your coaching and teaching. He'll get it, just keep going.

Okay, that's all I have for now! Hope some of that helps.

Melody

Mommy to Prewitt (12/02), Maggie (09/04), and 2 in Heaven (02/06 and 08/06)

[CandyApple]

Thanks Melody, your post really helped me. I'm struggling with the 3 yr old issues now. My darling has really changed in the last month, and I'm often at a loss. Especially at my folks place (where he's always at his most spirited!) We always tried to give choices and let him have power, but recently he's just ignoring me and grinning with that gleam in his eye. Makes my blood boil, but I'm finding that if I just remain cool and wait for a response, he will respond.

Anyway, it helps to know that we're not alone and that we will pass thru this with our little guy hopefully returning to our little angle, someday!

[p31mom]

Wow, I can totally relate to this thread. My DS turned 3 in July and also seems to be in a stage where he purposely does what he knows to be wrong. This just started within the last month or so. I guess I figured 3 would be an easier age then 2. In some ways it is but I was totally blown away by the tantrums and deliberate disobedience some days.

I find it hard to remain calm at times but I've noticed that when I let my anger or frustration show it certainly does not help DS. Thanks for the tips, Melody. There really is comfort in knowing that DS's actions are not uncommon for his age & it wasn't something I did wrong! Thanks mamas!

[katallen]

Three is a terrible age, a really terrible age. When my dd turned three she went from sweet to testing constantly, having huge tantrums and not taking any comfort from me, wanting to do everything her way, refusing my requests, even trying to bite me and hit me a few times, etc... It took a lot of patience and perserverance to get through three and a lot of consistency with following through with making sure something I asked her to do got done with or without my help (not mean help, just help). I heard from several people including some of the teachers at her school and my deacon (who was very gd with his daughters) that three is a tiresome testing age that they could do without. One person told me that their body chemicals are similar to what they will be like during puberty and that a lot of changes are going on and that they want to do more themselves and make more decisions but they aren't quite able to so there is a lot of frustration. This added on top of the normal testing that seems to come for a few months out of every year made three a terrible time. It evened out just after she hit 3 1/2 and is pretty peaceful now that she is almost four it is like she is a totally different, more competant and loving childand I just hope it stays that way for at least a few more months.

[UmmSamiyah]

Thank you guys a lot! The one thing I have noticed though is that most of your kids were either just turning 3 or there abouts. My guy will be 4 in about 3 weeks. I understand he is probably a late starter in that respect how long did it last? He stole or at least tried to steal a pack of gum again at the store. That is the third time that I know of in the last 2 days. It is slightly embarrassing, but it frustrates me because he knows he is doing something wrong and when you ask him about it he pretends like he can't hear you and completely ignores me. I am trying to be more flexible and let him exert more independence but this is only day two . Haha. anyways we are trying.:

[mamaduck]

Are all his emotional needs being met? This is what I ask myself when one of my kids appear to be flipping out.
- Is he getting enough emotional attention?
- Is he getting enough physical attention?
- Is he getting enough "down time" at home?
- Is he getting the right amount of stimulation and exersize?
- Is he getting healthy foods?
- Is anyone hurting him in anyway?
- How is he with his other caregivers? How do other caregivers respond to his behaviors? Are their responses appropriate and respectful?
- Is he being tormented or influenced by any peers that you know of?

[jillc512]

Ahh, so excited that I now have a 3yo . We're in a similar situation as many of you! My DS seems to need to disagree with me on everything as a matter of principle these days.

I recently heard that "Two year olds often do things that drive you crazy, whereas three year olds do things BECAUSE they drive you crazy."

GAAHHHH! :