ok...sooo...how to gently discipline ADULTS!?

[meghandmama]

: ok...sooo...how to gently 'discipline' (to GUIDE, that is...lets remember...it is not to scold or punish...lol at least that is MY motive!) adults in our lives such as rude or abusive comments either in front of our kids or to our kids...ok i'll give you some examples of what i personally have to put up with... (but DO NOT want to just say nothing to anymore!!! : ) ok here are the examples:

-my soon to be father in law is a VERY negative, dramatic rude abusive man. he used to beat and verbally abuse his wife (still verbally and emotionally abuses) and the kids growing up. he is basically a dry drunk, a big bullying type of kid...sooo...he has been well behaved lately, but yesterday, my dd who is almost 4 and basically AWESOME w/ animals, kicked to shoo away FIL's shitzu (whom we are dog sitting while his house is getting built) from some spilled dog food of our dogs...and FIL happened to be right there...he said in his loud bullying booming voice to megh, "THE NEXT TIME YOU KICK HER I'LL KICK YOU!". i said NOTHING except for megh not to kick the dog...i wanted to say SO MUCH to this mouse of a man...: but i kept my mouth shut. what 'could' i have done/said to avoid any nasty fight with him.....i guess i could have joked like i do w/ him to avoid any hostility between us, and said that i would have his ass for dinner for talking like that...i dunno...that to me is avoiding what he said to megh. saying that to a child or anyone is NOT ok...it doesn't solve the issue or help megh to learn love and peaceful solutions to that issue w/ the dog. any suggestions???

and here is another example...what to do in this sort of thing...
-tom, (my soon to be dh) he's got this friend danny and his girlfriend is cool until she gets annoyed...now i found out, with ANYONE. thought it was just danny or her poor 10 yo son (who is quite obviously disturbed from her rages and comments)...well we were over there yesterday...we don't go to their place, they usually come to ours just in the garage area as tom does demo derbies...ok so my dd megh spills her soda on their carpet (they live in a freakin' old mobile home w/ stains already on it but carrie, danny's girlfriend is an obsessive neat freak) so carrie gets up, stomps around complaining about the possibility of staining and boom boom boom stomp stomp stomp....i felt awful as did megh i'm sure...poor thing! i told megh its ok, it'll come out...i know you didn't mean to spill..........as did danny but carrie bitched and boom boom boom stomp stomp stomp pouty puss on her face...oh she's some ball of wax, lemme tell you, this woman has ISSUES. : soooo what COULD i have done to avoid a scene....i comforted megh when she came to me and told her later in the car home that everyone spills accidentally and it is not her fault carrie was so rude. i just hate that adults act this way...as carrie and FIL do. oh and then to top it off, tom's sister sue also has a rage problem...at one of the demo derbies she attacked (physically this time) their SIL (sister in law) whom she DESPISES and it was just awful for all of us.........megh had to witness this drama/abuse. and sue (toms sis) is freakin' 37 years old!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! can we say.............INTENSIVE THERAPY!? :

i am sad cuz i moved megh out of oregon to get away from the chaos that often came from my moms alcoholism (dui's, passing out by the doghouse...etc.) and here i find we are surrounded by toms family and friends' drama. any advice?????????????????????? i don't want to say to them if you can't act maturely or decently in our home you are not welcome cuz then i'll get blasted and name called and they won't come around... so now what. sometimes i feel like i'm in the middle of a bad trailer trash movie. lol
-Lis

[abac]

THE NEXT TIME YOU KICK HER I'LL KICK YOU!

Wow! I would have said, "You certainly will not!" and I would have told him to leave my house, (or I would leave his house if you were there.) I would focus your energy on your daughter during these times, reassuring her that you will not let him harm her, and explaining that he was upset about his dog but acted inappropriately. When you are not in the heat of the moment, I would have a talk with dear stb FIL and explain to him that he scared your daughter and he cannot speak to her that way. It would really depend on his reaction how I would proceed from there, but if it continued to be a problem, I would only visit him in his own home when your daughter could be left with someone else.

There are people I will not visit with ds. Some people have unrealistic expectations of children (surprise!) and if I feel it's a problem, I avoid them.

Good luck with this. I know it's hard when it's family and it's not as easy as simply avoiding them. I'll be reading the other replies...I'm sure you'll get some good advice.

[NiteNicole]

With FIL, I agree with the above...speak directly to your daughter and say, "Of course he won't" - I'd even laugh it off because I wouldn't want him to think I was taking his pi$$y little rant seriously. BUT I also would've said something to her as soon as she kicked at the dog so FIL didn't have a chance.

Same with you friend and the spill. I would've found the cleaning supplies and cleaned up, talking to DD the whole time and ignoring all the stomping about.

Other than that, I'd avoid them as often as possible. These people are adult and it's not likely they will change or get a clue, so I'd just avoid them often and when faced with them, sort of run interference and refuse to engage in all the drama.

[Fuamami]

I have some in-laws who occasionally make remarks like that, and I talk to my dd directly when it happens. Like last Easter my SIL gave her a pair of bunny ears, and then after SIL's son hit her, she was crying so SIL told her, "People who can't stop crying don't get to have bunny ears." Well, I guess technically she had given them to dd, but I just said directly to dd, "No, Aunt M. is not going to take your bunny ears away. I know you're hurt and upset."

Other times when we experience people behaving badly I try to talk to dd about it later. I do my very best to be non-judgemental, for example I'd talk about why the woman might have been so upset about her carpet, and then we'd probably brainstorm the polite way that WE would have handled it if someone had spilled on our carpet.

Also, w/the jerky FIL, I'd thoroughly discuss what she should do if you aren't there and he makes a comment like that (though I would also do my best to not leave her alone with the guy). You could tell her she has every right to say things like, "You can't talk to me like that!" or "You may not hit me!" or that she should come get you for help.

[mamaduck]

I think with your FIL, I would have said, "Its not okay to threaten people with violence." And then I'd have said to dd, "Its not okay to kick dogs." All in one breath. Sort of like I address my 2 kids when both are acting up at the same time!

In the 2nd situation, with the spilled drink -- I would have just taken dd and left. And I would avoid going there again. When people don't understand about how kids are, then we don't visit them. Its not fun.