dh hit ds

[homemademomma]

nak, sorry so short. this is the 2nd time dh has hit 3yo ds. he admits he thinks spanking is wrong, and he did it out of anger. it wasnt a planned out punishment, if that makes sense. he has also hit holes in the wall. what do i do? he is such a good dad otherwise.

[pianojazzgirl]

Couldn't read and not offer hugs. How terrible and upsetting for ds, you and probably dh too

Since your dh seems to want not to spank maybe he would be open to some anger management therapy? I wish him and you the best of luck.

[BelgianSheepDog]

Holes in the walls? This sounds like a major problem. I'd recommend counselling for everyone, to start with. Punching holes in the walls is not normal or acceptable behavior.

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by BelgianSheepDog

Holes in the walls? This sounds like a major problem. I'd recommend counselling for everyone, to start with. Punching holes in the walls is not normal or acceptable behavior.

: Big, BIG hugs to you - he soudns in some major need of anger management.

[crazycandigirl]

I think he may need to talk to someone for some help in controlling anger. Such a short fuse is often linked with an anxiety disorder. Maybe some therapy or meditation would help. My doctors and nurses recomend breathing exersizes and meditation to help with anxiety, and though mine is more of a panic and insomnia problem, maybe the same techniques would be useful for your husband. Hugs to you! Make sure you keep youself and your little ones safe.

[newmommy]

[QUOTE=homemademomma;6290908 he has also hit holes in the wall. what do i do? he is such a good dad otherwise. [/QUOTE]


Is this also a cry for hel *for you*?

Please tell him he is not to lay a hand on DS ever again. That simple.

[nextcommercial]

I am not sure why..

But, for some reason the fact that he hits holes in the walls concerns me the most. It tells me that he needs help controlling his anger. I would hate for his to use that kind of force on one of you or another adult. I hope you can help him to understand that this kind of a short fuse can lead to a very bad situation. As your son gets older, and more obstinate, your husband may have a harder time controlling his anger.

[zeldamomma]

Well, I'm going to offer you some hope. My dh used to have a terrible time controlling his temper. He has always gone away from other people when he was really upset, but he did kick the wall once, which I found pretty alarming.

I managed to clearly explain to him how much these outbursts bothered me (he'd been having them all his life, so to him they were normal), and he took a look at what was triggering him. He figured out that he wasn't getting the time alone he needs (he's an introvert). He will still have an outburst once every year or two (he won't be violent, but he will be kind of out of control and GRUMPY), but all in all, it is much much better. When these outbursts do happen, we'll talk about why (generally it's when he's stressed and tired), and he does his best to keep it from happening again.

I would talk to your dh about how he wants to handle it-- perhaps he can figure out how to better manage his stress level on his own, or he may need help coming up with some strategies (which is what I believe anger management is all about).

((Hugs))

ZM

[Fuamami]

Well, I think you can have explosive angry outbursts and still not ht anyone. Tell him he may never hurt your child again. My dad used to have fits like this, he'd break things, too. He once broke his hand while hitting the steering wheel because he'd forgotten something. And sometimes he broke very expensive things, like tractor parts. But he never hurt us, physically that is.

I would offer him support and empathy, but be clear that he is not to hurt your children. That's what my dh has done for me, after I've hit our children.

[rmzbm]

I would put him on notice NOW that this is a deal breaker & the next time it happens you and DS are gone. And mean it. All the "he's a good dad otherwise..." doesn't matter. He needs help.

[daniedb]

I'm so sorry - and I would definitely back up the suggestions for anger management or counseling.

[heartmama]

Many, many, many times mothers have posted here who "lost it" and spanked although they do not believe it is right. I don't think it's very useful advice to have their dh tell her "if it happens one more time I will take the kids and you will never see them again". I don't think that is realistic or helpful if we are talking about someone spanking *twice* in frustration. If we are talking about someone beating their child in a rage, man or woman, that is dangerous and you need to get out. Spanking is legal and 91% of American parents will spank at least once (according to survey's I have read). For most parents "not spanking" is an ongoing process. For mothers AND fathers.

From all the posts I've ever read it seems that many men do throw things or kick/punch walls on rare occasions when they are really upset. He needs to stop because it is destructive and sets a bad example. I think a self-help program for men-perhaps anger management-could help him redirect his anger in a constructive way. Anger is normal and many, many men are never taught how to appropriately deal with it. He might find that running, exercise, or some other physical activity channels that aggressive for the better.

Of course if he is threatening you, or if his 'hitting" of your child wasn't a spanking, but more like a punch in the head...absolutely get out.

[mamaduck]

Yeah, I was going to ask -- "hit" him how, exactly? Did he punch him? Throw him against a wall, or smack him on the bottom? They are all wrong actions, but the first two are symptomatic of bigger problems and more immediate danger. It makes a difference in how I would respond to him.

[Roxswood]

My dh has punched holes in doors and walls when he's angry, but not once have I ever felt frightened of him, I know this is his way of dealing with it so it doesn't worry my iyswim.

He has never felt even close to spanking dd luckily, although I have but then he was raised in a house with no spanking whereas I was spanked regularly.
Its hard not to spank when thats all you've ever known, its not just an anger issue I don't think, but a lack of other skills in dealing with it.
I'm lucky in that I had years of working as a nanny to work out these other skills and I still sometimes struggle. Reading How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk has helped me a lot, and actually trying to act of some of the situations with dh (when he's willing) goes a long way towards making sure that the responses occur to me in the heat of the moment.

[wirewendy]

I can't tell from your post how he hit your son, but it sounds like it was definitely out of anger. I would take this very very seriously. Yes, it is true, that moms have lost it, but frankly, men and women are different. Going from hitting a wall to hitting a child is a very serious line to have crossed. I Your husband needs to get help, and I mean fast. No matter how good of a dad he is, it simply does not make up for violence, and that is what your husband is doing. Do not, I repeat DO NOT make excuses for him. It will haunt you forever. You need to find the courage to tell him that he needs to get help or, for the safety of your son, get out. You can do this in a loving way, but you must do it. It hasn't happened once, but twice.

Be strong, be tough, and remember, your son needs you to protect him.

[Potty Diva]

I'm still seeing the same comments about moms vs dads hitting.

Men and women may be different but HITTING is still the same. If a mom can work on her spanking problem and be given cyber support and hugs, why can't a father?

[Joannarachel]

I understand you were nak, but I feel I can't comment without giving more details. When you say, 'hit', what do you mean? Did he get frustrated with DS and smack him on the behind as he walked away? Did he haul off and punch in the head with a closed fist?

The hitting holes in walls thing scares me, I'll be honest, mama. Has he ever hit you?

[PrairieBohemian]

Originally Posted by heartmama

Many, many, many times mothers have posted here who "lost it" and spanked although they do not believe it is right. I don't think it's very useful advice to have their dh tell her "if it happens one more time I will take the kids and you will never see them again". I don't think that is realistic or helpful if we are talking about someone spanking *twice* in frustration. If we are talking about someone beating their child in a rage, man or woman, that is dangerous and you need to get out. Spanking is legal and 91% of American parents will spank at least once (according to survey's I have read). For most parents "not spanking" is an ongoing process. For mothers AND fathers.

I have to agree with heartmama here...

[PrairieBohemian]

Originally Posted by Joannarachel

Did he haul off and punch in the head with a closed fist?

Just want to clarify...clearly THIS is another situation. If this is in fact what has happened, I will retract my words and suggest placing physical boundaries between an abuser and your child. Its my guess though that if it's only happened twice, its not of this calibre. Am I right?

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by wirewendy

You need to find the courage to tell him that he needs to get help or, for the safety of your son, get out. You can do this in a loving way, but you must do it.

And, what good would that do her ds? If her dh spanked the boy, as opposed to punching him, it's legal. That means that even if she left, he'd probably end up with court-ordered access, and I doubt it would be supervised. How does that protect a child? (Even if the dad did punch him, she's going to have to be able to prove it in court.)

I see this on here a lot - the idea that a woman can protect her kids by just leaving. But, the dads have legal rights, and in many situations, leaving will just put the kids in the unsupervised hands of the other parent...with nobody present to have an ameliorative effect or act as a shield.

OP: It really sounds as though your dh needs anger management. He seems to reach a point where he just loses it, and that's potentially very dangerous.