Moms of more than one

[mamamilkers]

I am curious if anyone else has had similar feelings when their second, or third, or fourth, (or more!) was born.

I absolutely love Eloise, she's such a doll and a really great baby in that she doesn't cry much (except for in the car, whoa nelly!) and is in general a laid back happy girl. However, I'm having a hard time feeling as connected to her as I am to her older sister. Not in a scary not loving or caring about her way, but more in a way that I don't feel that bond with her, yet. I sort of remember feeling this way when DD#1 was born, as well, so I'm wondering if it's just a kind of newborn ambivalence?

She's a very serious baby, not even talking or smiling much, she just looks around and hangs out. I think maybe it will be easier to bond once she starts interacting more? I don't know. Has anyone else felt like this? When do you start feeling as connected to your younger children? I'm just hoping that her older sister doesn't steal the limelight forever, KWIM?

[ColoradoMama]

Well, I would say that if this is the way you felt with your first, maybe it is normal for you. I'm sure that if the connection came the first time, it will certainly come the second time. I have four and I remember feeling the same way I felt about one when I had two, three and four.

[DigitalSuze]

I think it makes a big difference when they start interacting with you. That kickstarted the bond between ds2 and me. (DS1 is 10, it's been a long time!) I think also when you have subsequent children, you kind of know what to expect from them in a way that you didn't with your first child. A friend of mine used to say that with her first, everything was exciting and nervewracking and exhillarating. When she had her second baby, she felt like she could relax a little and enjoy him because she felt more competent.

[mrs rockstar]

Originally Posted by mamamilkers

I'm just hoping that her older sister doesn't steal the limelight forever, KWIM?

I'm feeling this particular statement a lot right now because my oldest is so very, very TWO (if you know what I mean) that I find myself setting Charlie down a lot to deal with dd#1. I don't love Charlie any less than dd#1 but she's for the most part an easy baby so she gets lost in the shuffle of the terrible twos or so it seems. Sigh.

[marymamma]

Originally Posted by jesamin

I'm feeling this particular statement a lot right now because my oldest is so very, very TWO (if you know what I mean) that I find myself setting Charlie down a lot to deal with dd#1. I don't love Charlie any less than dd#1 but she's for the most part an easy baby so she gets lost in the shuffle of the terrible twos or so it seems. Sigh.

I am in this situation also. DD1 is almost 2, but I think she's gotten a jumpstart on it. I am also having a harder time bonding with Fiona it seems. It is getting better now that she is smiling and interacting more. I don't remember this happening with Abhi and I feel guilty that its happening with Fiona.

[veganf]

It's actually the opposite with me. It took me a while to get to know my firstborn. I don't think I even told him I loved him for the first 6 months...I mean, I LIKED him, but hadn't fallen in love with him yet.
And for my second it took me a long time too...I don't know if it was the colic, or a personality clash, but it really took me a while to connect with him.
This guy is soooo different. He's so calm and sociable. I was instantly in love though, even before I "knew" him.
I think it's different for all of us, and each child is so different too.

- Krista

[mrs rockstar]

Originally Posted by marymamma

I am in this situation also. DD1 is almost 2, but I think she's gotten a jumpstart on it. I am also having a harder time bonding with Fiona it seems. It is getting better now that she is smiling and interacting more. I don't remember this happening with Abhi and I feel guilty that its happening with Fiona.

Your dd is 10 days younger than my almost 2 year old...what is the deal with them starting this nonsense early????

I've found the best time for bonding with Charlie is late at night, after dd#1 is asleep. Then we just hang out on the couch, diapers, blankets and toys close at hand and spend some time together. She's usually awake from about when I put dd#1 to sleep until we all go to bed around 11 so it works. I feel like it's good give her that undivided attention since during the day I'm dealing with the almost two year old drama queen most of the time.

[mamamilkers]

Originally Posted by jesamin

I've found the best time for bonding with Charlie is late at night, after dd#1 is asleep. Then we just hang out on the couch, diapers, blankets and toys close at hand and spend some time together. She's usually awake from about when I put dd#1 to sleep until we all go to bed around 11 so it works. I feel like it's good give her that undivided attention since during the day I'm dealing with the almost two year old drama queen most of the time.

Now that DD#2 is staying awake later at night, this would also be a great time to bond with her. Of course, then in the back of my head I am thinking "why aren't you sleeping?!?!" because I am so tired by the time DD#1 goes to bed. I haven't been getting decent sleep lately (after bragging how wonderful it was to sleep ten hours a night! This is my karmic payback )

Hopefully it will get better soon. She's just still not very interactive. I am so jealous of the mamas who are already getting lots of coos and smiles. I also can't wait for her and her sister to interact more, as well. Now I just spend the whole day saying "don't hit your sister! don't lean on your sister! no, you sister can't eat veggie booty!" : and I think I resent that a new baby is one more reason for me to get irritated with Iris, which makes me feel like a crabby, terrible mama.

[taradt]

I found it very different. With my daughter I could focus all my attention on her and really got to know her. This time around I am so much more tired and trying to juggle both children and their needs, so I haven't had as much time to just *be* with Kienan. I take 2 hours each night to just be with him and that has helped me feel better. I waited so long for him that I was more relieved then "in love" the first couple of weeks, but once I got to know him that changed

tara

[Sailmom]

I was so instantly connected to dd when she was born - but scared and anxious at the same time. Even though I am dealing with my own 2 year whiner now, it seems that I am so much more relaxed with Booker - it is easier to love him? Maybe a BTDT thing, but he is such a relaxed, go with the flow baby. He has also been intensely aware since birth - making eye contact, early smiles, and a very trusting look. Because my dh has been finishing his master's thesis since the week this child was born, I have been much more on my own as well. And having to juggle the 2 kids makes every moment I have alone with him more precious - and vice versa for her. I love the precious moments I get where one is sleeping and I can devote a few minutes to just cuddling or nursing one.

[mrs rockstar]

Originally Posted by mamamilkers

Now I just spend the whole day saying "don't hit your sister! don't lean on your sister! no, you sister can't eat veggie booty!" :

Have you been eavesdropping on my conversations around my house????

[2 in August]

I feel kind of the opposite. Maybe because my dd is 5yo already, but I feel bad that I spend so much time with the baby and she's not the center of attention any more. I love my new little guy so much, but I miss the special times that dd and I had. I also get short with her due to lack of sleep or frustration with him crying/not gaining wt and I feel bad for taking it out on her, even when I don't mean to and I'm just short with her.

[libbylu]

yes, yes, and yes!

I think I've forgotten how long it actually took ds1 to start interacting! Everything seemed like interaction because I was just sitting around staring at him.
with ds2 I need to remind myself not to compare him and his development and personalilty to his brother. Well, I can't help but compare, but not to expect them to be the same, or worry about differences!
Yes, it is so easy to ignore the babe unless he is demanding attention, and when they're both crying, the bigger kid honestly just cries so much louder! I'm trying to just be intentional about carrying and wearing the new little one, and playing with him when I can.
Don't worry--she will start interacting and those new smiles are so impossibly sweet when they finally start coming.:
It helped me when I can get someone (anyone!) to take ds1 out for a fun outing and I can rest and just be alone a bit with ds2. So much easier, too! I just read "Guarding the Moon" by Francesca Lia Block, and it has a lot of gushy-baby-love prose which got me noticing those beautiful chubby little parts and loving this little dumpling's softness more.

[peilover010202]

Originally Posted by mamamilkers

However, I'm having a hard time feeling as connected to her as I am to her older sister. Not in a scary not loving or caring about her way, but more in a way that I don't feel that bond with her, yet.

With ds1, I fell in love with him instantly (before he was born really, I had such a connection to him.) This time around, it felt different. For me, I had so many emotions clashing - wanting ds1 to know how much I adored him, wanting to spend time bonding with ds2, etc.

Now, at 12 weeks, I think things are working out. I'm definitely bonded to ds2 now, but I wouldn't say as much as I am with ds1. With ds1, there is so much history there, and as ds2 grows, those memories will continue to deepen our bond.