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I'm jealous of their past together! Isn't that stupid?!

post #1 of 6
Thread Starter 
I have 2 children, ages 7 and 4, from a previous relationship. My ex calls about once a week to talk to the kids, but he lives out of state and we have not seen him for about 3 years now (which is fine with me).

I got married almost 2 years ago to my DH. I am 26, he is 52. Yes, HUGE age difference, but it truly does not matter to us. We love each other very much. His family loves me, and my family loves him. To us, age is simply a number and has no effect on our relationship.

DH was married once before me. That marriage lasted 18 years and they had 1 DD together (who is now 14). Their DD came along after 17 years of marriage, then when she was 1 year old, my DH's ex left him for another woman. Major, major blow to my DH who did not want his marriage to end. They had finally had a baby after 17 years and he was so excited about finally having a baby with his wife. The divorce put my DH is a very big depression.

Their divorce was approx. 13 years ago. My DH has moved on and I know is very happy with me and my children (he considers them his children, too, since their bio dad is not in the picture). HOWEVER - I cannot get over his past. And I know how stupid that sounds considering EVERYONE HAS A PAST!! I get so angry with myself for allowing it to bother me. One time I found a stack of old pictures of him and his ex in our garage and it just haunted me. They had soooo many years together and they shared so much of their lives together. They have so many memories and so much history. And I know how much my DH didn't want his marriage to end. Maybe it would be easier if he were to one who had left her?

I think a lot of these feelings have to do with the fact that we're trying to have a baby together and so far, no luck. In fact, we've had 5 miscarriges (I had a D&C 3 weeks ago for our latest miscarriage). My emotions get so jumbled up with I think of my DH and his ex having a baby together - especially because his ex didn't want to have a baby with him in the first place (admitted by her). I would do ANYTHING to have my husband's baby. It means so much to me, and it hurts so badly to not be able to. I get so jealous and envious that she was able to have his baby - that they were able to experience all the joys of having a baby.

I know this sounds nuts. I just can't shake these ugly feelings. I do know that the past is the past. But these feelings just won't go away.

DH and I have a healthy relationship, I think. We love and respect each other. We are extremely compatible. I am not a jealous person in other ways - for instance, he can talk to another female and it doesn't bother me at all. I know 100% that I have a truthful and faithful husband. The only 'issue' we've had so far in our marriage is my ability to be a stepparent to a teenage girl. I'm lucky - my DSD is a good girl. She listens, she's polite, she doesn't get in any trouble - and it's still hard to stepparent her. I'm ashamed to admit it, but she is a constant reminder that my DH and his ex had this baby together.

I'm truly not a bitter, nasty person although this post is probably making me sound like that. I haven't told anyone these feelings - I just stuff them down inside me, but it's getting harder and harder to hold it all in. Should I see a counseler about all this? I know my feelings aren't rational.
post #2 of 6
I think that's normal second wife stuff compounded by a difficult emotional time. I admit that it wasn't until I had my own biological child that I felt no jealousy at all towards the ex. She had done something incredible with dh. She had done it first with him. She birth his first baby and I couldn't beat that. It's over now. I really have no hard feelings towards her. There was no one big event that let it all go for me, just a gradual lose of interest.
post #3 of 6
Okay I haven't read the whole thread yet--but I think those feelings are completely rational! It's just that it sounds like they are getting overwhelming, too intense.

I can relate. My DH is 19 years older than me, I'm 27. He and his ex are good friends. Well, I'm friends with his ex and we spend time with the kids and her bf and everybody. They separated around ten years before we got together, thirteen years now, so there's nothing lingering. He didn't really want to split up, it was her idea. And they have a son who is about to turn 17. We aren't TTC... I would like to be, but neither of us are ready. I plan to start as soon as we are though, because of the age factor. I'm afraid we'll never be ready and I'm not too confident in either of our fertility. *sigh*

I used to feel envious of their past together. She knew him when he was young. He's good looking now, in my opinion, but he was even more good looking back then. She knew what he was like when he was just starting out in the world. It used to bother me that our first home won't be his first home. Our first kid won't be his first kid. She knew him when he was at his most passionate in some of his interests that he's now cynical about. And I also wish for my own sake I had met him when I was younger. It would have spared me from some lame partners, and at the time I was even more involved in some interests we have in common. I might feel envious in some way over his son, I find his son to be a sort of baffling silent teenager (but a really good kid and great person as well), but so does everyone more or less so I remind myself of that when I feel awkward about it.

Those feelings just faded. I think it's natural. It's one of the downsides of falling for someone with a considerable age difference between you. There are upsides, too... he's more experienced with life, and his personality isn't as unpredictable as it can be with some young guys. Is it worth it? Who knows... this is the hand I've been dealt. Love is never entirely without flaws and challenges, otherwise we wouldn't learn much from life.

I say this with all kindness... I kind of suspect there's a certain craziness that comes with too much TTCing That may be what is augmenting your perfectly reasonable feelings.

post #4 of 6
I know I'm saying what everyone else did, but your feelings are totally normal . i get jelous of my Dh's old relationship. It haunts me at the worst moments too, like when we exchanged vows and I knew he said them to her and when I think about us having our first child together but it will be his second and he has gone through all that before with someone else. It sucks. But thats just the way it is. Despite the jelousy, I wouldn't trade my life with my DH for anything. Thee feelings get less, but I guess they will always be there. I just rest easy in the fact that my DH loves me more than anything and that if he hadn't been with his ex than his life wouldn't have led him to meet me!
post #5 of 6
Thread Starter 
Thank you so much to everyone who replied. You're responses truly mean so much to me, and it was such a relief to read that you think my feelings and emotions are normal.
post #6 of 6
I know how you feel, it took some time for me to get over this myself, I can not say I have completey but it is better.

I too wish I had known NOTHING about his past with his ex, I wish I didnt know how he felt about her and how much he loved her and how he fought till the end to make it work but in the end, I have it all now, the love I never knew exsisted, the love he has for me overpowers the love he thought he had for her. He loved her dearly, dont get me wrong but this is deeper for him. It took alot of patience on his side and understanding for me to feel better.
As for being a SM, WOW I am not good at it at all, I have a hard time doing it and realizing he isnt mine and I have to keep my nose out of some things. I am learning that as well, plus is DS wishes I wasnt around all the time, but we are all moving into a new house, I think he wishes his mom would come home and I understand his feelings, but that doesnt mean he can disrespect me and we are all working on that.

Hang in there, maybe soime counseling will help you out with this!!
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