socializing

[chaos_pie]

So dh and I were having a conversation last night, he thinks ds will, at some point, need more social time with kids his own age, he thinks he should having playdates with kids on a very regular basis (like a couple times a week). I am kinda baffled, but dh is comparing the social time kids get at school, ie-seeing kids EVERY single day.

Ds is 7.5 and does see his best friend about once a week for an extended play (like 3-4 hours). He sees other friends less frequently. He does have friends, he is likable. He also does karate 2X week, soccer 1X, cub scouts 1X and sunday school. So he does "see" kids almost every day (so that would fit with my dh criteria of school, I guess). We also have a hs group, but park days are a bit overwhelming for my ds (too many kids, too much stimulation), so we don't go to that as often. Also, ds plays a fair amount each day with his sis who is 4.

What do you all think? Should I be concerned about ds having more playing-with other-kids time? I have to admit dh concern kinda suprised me and is now niggling at me.

[stanleymama]

I really dislike how ps thinks that if our children don't spend enough time each day with children their own age, they are not getting the social stimuli they need. To me, socializing is interacting with both adults and children. It sounds to me like your son is getting quite a bit interaction with others, and since he does well in those situations, I personally wouldn't worry.

My dh is similar though; he wants our boys to get plenty of playtime and interaction with others. So we keep active just like you, and fornutely live close to good friends who have kids that our children play with daily.

I think you are doing a great job!

[lauradbg]

How much time does your husband think children get to actually talk with one another, and organize themselves independently inside of school? Aren't they chastized continually for talking with their neighbor, or not following directions? They're not allowed to truly socialize. They're allowed to sit quietly in a room, listening to the teacher, next to their same-aged neighbor.

What socializing does your husband think happens at recess (if your kid would have recess--lots of schools are eliminating it) for only 15 or 20 minutes or so?

Your son has a playdate with a very good friend that lasts for HOURS once a week?! That's fabulous, and I think, increasingly rare.

In my town almost every kid has at least 3 extra-curricular activites. I don't think any of them have down time to just play with a friend. School, homework, going to soccer, or karate, or CCD, or whatever chews up all of their time.

Your son is doing great as far as I and a lot of others in my homeschool group are concerned. We all have schedules very similar to yours.

[2busy2clean]

I suppose you could try to figure out how your dh thinks more time with other children will help to make him more social.
They released some study several months ago which discussed how most americans have very few friends. I consider that a product of public schools. True social/friendship skills are learned in a family situation and then those skills are practised on other people which is when friendships can develop. If your family treats each other with respect, your children will learn respect and treat others that way. On the other hand, many children in todays society don't respect other people -- is that what you want your child to learn? I know, you all ready know this, which is why you are baffled to your husbands way of thinking.
Good luck convincing your husband!

[chaos_pie]

Thanks so much mamas.

I think dh is thinking that although socializing is not great at school, there is a "pool" of kids to make friends with and then hang out. I think he is thinking of his growing up experience, just walking home from school with his friends, ending up at one of the kids house after school, playing, running over to their neighbor, etc. That kinda free-form hanging out.

I tried to explain to him the our current reality is that more than 1/2 the kids in school go to some after-school daycare, the rest don't walk home (I have rarely seen elementary kids walk home in our neighborhood), and other kids have after-school activities.

I do think to some extent dh is right, kids do connect with each other at school. In fact, our neighbor who is in after-school daycare originally part-time actually chooses to go full-time to hang out with friends.

[LovemyBoo]

I don't know if this is any option for you, but our ds does martial arts once (soon to be twice) a week with a ton of kids around his age or a little older. He can also take part in a variety of sports/classes through the town rec. dept. We don't do boy scouts but I know several of the homeschooling kids around here do boy/girl scouts.

You may want to ask your ds if he is interested in anything like that and look into it. He might really enjoy it and it may appease your dh.

[teastaigh]

I think this would be an excellent time to RUN to your library and grab a copy of "Hold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers" by Gordon Neufeld.

Parkdays are completely over-rated. I'm done with them. I am just so tired of watching other people's children and protecting my own while other moms tune out or extol the virtues of their perfect, gifted offspring who is making other children cry that very minute. I'm past cranky with all of that.

Your little boy as a good friend. How great! How even greater that he has a mom who spends her time with him and loves him and shares his days!!!!
It sounds to me like things couldn't be better.

That said, I'm sure your husband is just worried and wants the best for his son. However, peer-socializing isn't it. The best thing any DH can do for their child is to model a loving relationship with mom and truly engage with their children.

peace,
teastaigh

[meowee]

Originally Posted by chaos_pie

Ds is 7.5 and does see his best friend about once a week for an extended play (like 3-4 hours). He sees other friends less frequently. He does have friends, he is likable. He also does karate 2X week, soccer 1X, cub scouts 1X and sunday school. So he does "see" kids almost every day (so that would fit with my dh criteria of school, I guess). We also have a hs group, but park days are a bit overwhelming for my ds (too many kids, too much stimulation), so we don't go to that as often. Also, ds plays a fair amount each day with his sis who is 4.

So he has 6 social events each week? Omg, that sounds like plenty! I wouldn't worry about it.

The only time I would worry about the S word is when 1) the child spends little to no time outside the family AND 2) s/he clearly desires more socializing with kids than s/he is getting.

You have to listen to your child. Ask him directly if he feels lonely. You know your child well... does he seem lonely? Does he seem fine? Trust him, and trust your instinct.

Some kids don't need a lot of socializing. My DS spends little time outside the family but he is perfectly happy and not lonely at all. I finally stopped pushing him to socialize and just let him make his own choices, even if that means he is home all the time and doesn't spend much time with non-sibling kids.

My DD on the other hand was desperate for more friends/ socializing, more than I coud provide while HSing, so she is in school.