How to explain to a 3 year old?

[frenchie]

So, this mrning my son asked his dady why their pee-pees look different. (they were in the shower together) He told out son that his (dh's) penis was cut by the doctor when he was born, and that mommy and daddy didn't want to have it done to him. He told him that it hurts real bad, and we didn't want to hurt him.
I thought that was a nice explination, but I'm wondering if he really understood. I know toddlers need simplicity, but Kai usually needs a more complex explination. I've learned that with him over the past year. I just don't know what to do....any suggestions? should I just let it be?

[kldliam]

Hi frenchie,

(hope you are doing better, I had a bad morning myself)

I asked my husband what he would say if our son asked him about the differences. My kid is 5 and still showers with daddy---and he still has never asked....

He's usually inquisitve, but hasn't brought it up yet.

My husband said he would keep it simple (if asked) and say to him:

"everybody has a different kind of body".

I don't think dh is comfortable with the explanation that your dh gave. He doesn't like to think that he was hurt as a baby. i can understand that.

[KnitLady]

I'd probably leave it at that for now. I'd guess if he had further questions he'd ask, but you know your son best.

[edamommy]

We just told ds that "everyone's bodies are different". at 3 and 1/2 I think that's good enough, for him anyway! He's fine w/ that answer.

[MysteryMama]

sounds to me like your DH gave him a pretty good explaination. i told mine the same thing when he was about 3, and explained a bit more when he got older. probably he would still be asking questions if he felt he needed further explaination.

[AntoninBeGonin]

I'm not fond of the "everyone is different in some way" line of explanation because it makes it sound like the circumcised penis is just a natural variation, like brown eyes versus green eyes.

~Nay

[phatchristy]

Originally Posted by AntoninBeGonin

I'm not fond of the "everyone is different in some way" line of explanation because it makes it sound like the circumcised penis is just a natural variation, like brown eyes versus green eyes.

~Nay

Yep, I agree with this one. We've discussed it and DH and I will explain nearly identical to what the original poster's hubby.

Of course, if DH is mostly restored by then I wonder about that then..hmmm.

[Lula's Mom]

:

[frenchie]

Alright ladies...thanks! I will leave it alone until he asks again. He's super observant, and notices the most minute details. We had originally thought we would present him with the "everybody is different" explination, but we realized that wouldn't be a true explination. Kai understands a lot, which is why he needs more complex or detailed explinations for his questions. Usually, if you give him a simple answer, he will ask 20 more questions until he gets the information he wants
I think my DH did give him a good answer...I just wanted to make sure. Thank you for the reassurance mommas!

[kldliam]

I'm not fond of the "everyone is different in some way" line of explanation because it makes it sound like the circumcised penis is just a natural variation, like brown eyes versus green eyes.

~Nay

While I agree this isn't quite the full truth, I think that an age-appropriate response is worth considering before delivering the 'facts'. He has alot to learn. Take SEX for instance...do I really need to give him the full truth now at age 5? Or perhaps it is ok to wait until a more appropriate time before we discuss all the complex realities of life.


My son will indeed learn the truth when he is 10-12 yrs. old, so if I delay it by 5-7 yrs. who does it really harm?

I think that you also have to consider the feelings of the circumcised man (the daddy) when preparing a response. My husband is not at a place in his mind where he is able to admit outloud that he was harmed or hurt. While he is vocal about being anti-circ, he is still making a journey though this. Imagine how you might feel for a moment if confronted with such a powerful question by your whole child....

[mntnmom]

If he seems to be curious further tell him that "EVERY penis is different, and your's will look more like daddy's when you grow up. " There's plenty of time for in depth discussion as his understanding grows, just let him know you're open to talk.

[jyurina]

That is nearly the same conversation my husband and son had. My son did tear up and say"Daddy I am so sorry the doctor hurt you when you were a baby". Made me nearly cry. He has continued to ask question(he's 7 now) but understands most of the why's. He still doesn't understand why people would do something like that on purpose to their kids, but really IMO I don't think that is a bad thing.

[Lula's Mom]

Originally Posted by kldliam

While I agree this isn't quite the full truth, I think that an age-appropriate response is worth considering before delivering the 'facts'. He has alot to learn. Take SEX for instance...do I really need to give him the full truth now at age 5? Or perhaps it is ok to wait until a more appropriate time before we discuss all the complex realities of life.


My son will indeed learn the truth when he is 10-12 yrs. old, so if I delay it by 5-7 yrs. who does it really harm?

I think that you also have to consider the feelings of the circumcised man (the daddy) when preparing a response. My husband is not at a place in his mind where he is able to admit outloud that he was harmed or hurt. While he is vocal about being anti-circ, he is still making a journey though this. Imagine how you might feel for a moment if confronted with such a powerful question by your whole child....

I don't think you have to give him the full truth now, no. There's no point in explaining the whole issue to a 3-year-old. But I personally would have trouble giving an answer that implied that Daddy's body was naturally that way. I think "everybody's different", while true, doesn't address why that particular body part looks different on DH and DS.

Depending on whether your particular 3-year-old knew what surgery or an operation was, you could use those words, or not. If not perhaps DH could just say "A doctor changed mine/made mine look different when I was a baby. Yours looks the same as when you were born."

It's truthful but it doesn't get into anything too deep. It answers the child's question, "Why do we look different?" but it doesn't require DH to delve into his undoubtedly complex emotions right now.

Anyway. again.

[frenchie]

Originally Posted by kldliam

While I agree this isn't quite the full truth, I think that an age-appropriate response is worth considering before delivering the 'facts'. He has alot to learn. Take SEX for instance...do I really need to give him the full truth now at age 5? Or perhaps it is ok to wait until a more appropriate time before we discuss all the complex realities of life.


My son will indeed learn the truth when he is 10-12 yrs. old, so if I delay it by 5-7 yrs. who does it really harm?

I think that you also have to consider the feelings of the circumcised man (the daddy) when preparing a response. My husband is not at a place in his mind where he is able to admit outloud that he was harmed or hurt. While he is vocal about being anti-circ, he is still making a journey though this. Imagine how you might feel for a moment if confronted with such a powerful question by your whole child....

A agree with your situation totally. You do have to consider your DH's feelings as well. Fortuantely, my DH holds no grudges and is glad he doesn't have a recolection of the pain....but he's aware that he did feel it as an infant. I imagine we will revisit this subject in more depth come April....if this child is a boy.
OT...I hope you are feeling better today!