Anyone else do all the "right" things and still have a c/s

[calendula]

Hi,
I had a c/s almost 5 months ago. I know it was the right thing at the time - 30 hrs labor, posterior large baby, just wouldn't budge. However when I read about c/s and how lots of people are angry. resentful because it was avoidable I get really really sad for myself. My c/s was necessary and the baby was not in any danger at the time, but as time passes I get more and more upset about it - I mean I was FINE with it at the time. But now I ponder about how I really looked after myself, had two midwives caring for me at an independent birth center etc. I did all the things that "statistically" show would normally lower the risk of c/s by a large amount. Yet I still had one and I am getting more worked up about it as the weeks pass.

Anyone else feel the same way?
Any suggestions who I could talk to - not a shrink but is there any specialized kind of counselor who deals with this kind of thing, especially given that I didn't think the c/s was avoidable at the time.

Many thanks.

[lilyka]

ceserean births are wonderful for people who need them. It does sound like you did everything possible before having the c-birth. I can't imagine going 30 hours. I don't have any personal experiance but just wanted to sqy you should feel proud about doing the very best for your baby.

[alexa07]

I believe that one can argue that the c-section rate is too high. I do not believe that anyone can argue that a c-section should never be done or would never save a baby that would otherwise not have made it.

For me, all I really cared about was that whatever birth I had ended up with a healthy baby. I just can not be sad with a birth that resulted in my precious baby being ok.

I also had a v-bac and, it was kind of cool to push the baby out, but to me being sad about a birth that ends up with a healthy child is like being sad about winning only 1 million dollars in the lottery. Sure 100 million would have been great, but who really cares.( I do know that not eveybody feels this way).

[joesmom]

hi!

i wanted a totally unmedicated birth, had a birth plan & everything, ended up having to be put under (because i had refused the epidural to begin with, & then there wasn't time.) for an emergency csection because joe's heartrate was really low, i couldn't dilate past 6 cm & he was actually "stuck" in the birth canal. i had thought i would feel so bad after for "failing" to give birth to my son the "right" way, but i didn't. i was so relieved to have a beautiful healthy boy at my breast i would not have cared if he dropped out of the ceiling, you know?!

i don't know who you could talk to, maybe some of the other mamas here will have ideas. just focus on your beautiful baby & remember the best thing about csections: NO EPISIOTOMIES!!

hope this helps, at least a little!

love, jenny

[ladylee]

Hi-I had an emergency cesarean delivery three years ago, and very much understand what you're saying. It was similar for me--I processed it well initially and was fine about it, then I experienced some anger afterward. Three years later I think I've worked through that and have reached acceptance/forgiveness.

"However when I read about c/s and how lots of people are angry. resentful because it was avoidable I get really really sad for myself. "

For me, I felt I needed be rather vigilant about detaching from other people's experiences--as I had different feelings and many parts of the experience were actually positive for me. But it's also important to be in touch with the anger if it's there, and I was.

I didn't seek therapy--but I used some tools--writing my anger in a journal, being mindful of it coming up and giving it room to be expressed. This forum and the women here have been very helpful when that anger comes up, and we're here for you, too.

[zombiemommie]

I didn't do everything right with ds #1 and had a c/s. I wasn't angry at them but at myself for not doing everything right.

I just VBAC'd 10 weeks ago. I did everything "right" this time, but after 56 hours of labor, when I finally went to the hosptial under threat of my midwife, I was loaded with meconium and had to have the labor/delivery of my nightmare, internally monitored, baby scalp monitor, amnioinfusion to dilute all the meconium and help buffer the wedged cord, epidural because I couldn't take being stuck in bed after 56 hours of hard labor at home (I was soo exhausted and mentally drained) but thank God only had to labor for 6 hours at the hospital, and then had NICU at the delivery. I also had a 3rd degree tear and epis and internal tearing from all the forced pushing due to the baby's distress. I had a midwife but I know if I had an OB I'd have been sectioned. The baby had a big head and a wedged cord and I had to rotate like a rotisserie chicken during pushing because after 1 push the heartrate would plummet but recover if I turned. I knew what was happening the entire time and I was SOOOO okay with havign a c/section this time because I knew we were in a tenuous situation and that it would have been SOOO necessary. I was ready. I KNEW I did everything right, I made every right decision, and I would have volunteered to be cut open in a second if I thought it would save my baby. Because that is the line we were walking. I wouldn't have felt like a failure or any other such thing, becuase it would have been okay and best for baby.

I hope you find peace.

[Sofiamomma]

Hi! I hear ya. I had a necessary emergency C/S five weeks ago, and like you, at the time I was totally okay with it, but have recently been feeling sad, angry, like I lost something. I didn't quite do everything "right" or rather I didn't do quite as well as with my first, but I did pretty well. I'm planning to contact the folks at ICAN to have someone to talk to.

[RainCityMama]

I will second Sofiamomma's suggestion for ICAN (International Ceserean Awareness Network), it is a fantastic orginization and one that can really support you in processing your birth experience. www.ican-online.org

I had a c-section 3 1/2 years ago with my son and the ladies at ICAN were integral in helping me deal with that experience as well as prepare for the Home birth I had with my daughter 6 months ago

For me while the health and welfare of me and my baby were of extreme importance I still felt that the birth process was a very important one, so it's understandable how I, even with a healthy child, could mourn the loss of the birth I had planned/envisioned/desired and I needed understanding and support to deal with that loss.

Peace.

[OnTheFence]

I did everything possible to avoid having a csection. In fact for three weeks I did what I consider odd and unussual things to turn a breech baby.
For some of us, having a csection was just absolutely necessary.

[chichimama]

I am one of the women who had a very unnecessary c-section, I just didn't know it at the time. I know many women (some in real life and some via the internet and phone) who had very necessary and life saving cesareans for either themselves or their babies. All of these women have some feelings and issues about their c-sections. Some have severe post traumatic stress disorder, some have depression, some have rage and anger, some have disappointment, some have deep sadness. Some have all of these. I also know one that doesn't feel badly at all. Having a healthy baby is what we all, as mothers, strive for. But birth is also a part of us. I know that now, but I didn't know it before I had my cesarean. The birth process is something that many women grieve the loss of.

Good for you that you knew enough to do the right things for a safe birth. I'm sorry that fate dealt the hand that you had to have a cesarean. You made the best choices that you felt were necessary for your baby. Feeling sad about that is perfectly normal and doesn't mean anything but that you are a feeling person.

There are some counselors that deal with birth issues. I would recommend getting on the ICAN email list and asking there to see if anyone knows of one in your area. There are women on that list from all over the world, chances are someone will know something to help you. If there isn't one, just being on the ICAN list might help. It helped me a lot. There is also something called Birthworks, maybe there is a class in your area.

I hope you can find healing and I just wanted to let you know that I understand. I used to think that if i had had a cesarean that was necessary, that I would feel better about it, but I don't think that is true anymore.

Take care.

[calendula]

Thanks

Just wanted to say thanks for all the replies to my post. I am still processing them but just to get the support and know that other people understand what I'm talking about really helps.

Thanks.

[JessicaS]

c-section are sometime necessary, I know it is hard to want to have a VBAC very badly but still have that concern that another c-section is going to be the result despite your efforts..

I agree about ICAN, they can help you find the info you need.

[Cathi]

Calendula,

Allow me to compare my birth story to yours! I labored for 27 hours at an independent birth center with a "large" posterior baby and ended up with a csection. It felt like the right thing to do at the time, but the more I reviewed my situation the angrier I became.

Sound familiar?

Yes, I can relate to your story. And my baby was born 23 months ago. I am now pregnant again and due in October. I have travelled a road I don't wish on anyone, it has been very difficult for me to overcome my fears. But it still haunts me, especially as I approach another delivery. Because of what happened to me, certain circumstances surrounding my prenatal care and labor care, I do not trust midwives anymore.

If you ever need someone to talk to PM me! I've been there, and I know how important it is to have someone say "I understand!"

[Lucysmama]

Hi guys

Hi all,
I had a c/s 15 mos ago and still feel upset about. Just last week I met a new mom and she asked me about my birth and I cried telling her about it.
I chose a midwife cause I thought it would increase my chances of the birth I wanted. I was induced at 41 wks at the hospital even though I was already contracting. My EFM was broken so none of the contractions registered. They kept turning up the pitocin, thinking it wasn't working. My contraction were double-peaking, 90 sec apart. No one would believe me! My midwife was nowhere to be found. She checked on me a couple times, but that was it. I stubbornly refused pain med. for 8 hours of this hell because I wanted to go natural. I finally broke down and got the epidural, and BAM! just like that, I stopped dilating at 4.5 cm. I was sectioned 4 hours later for failure to progress.
I am still distraught over this. Do you think ICAN is a good idea, even though if has been so long since my birth? Will the other ladies think I should be over this by now? Should I?
We are ttc #2 and are planning a HBAC with an independent midwife who specializes in it. Wish me luck!!!
Katie

[Cathi]

Re: Hi guys

Originally posted by Lucysmama
Do you think ICAN is a good idea, even though if has been so long since my birth? Will the other ladies think I should be over this by now? Should I? We are ttc #2 and are planning a HBAC with an independent midwife who specializes in it. Wish me luck!!!
Katie

ICAN is the greatest support system EVER for csectioned moms. No one there would EVER think you should be "over" a csection. We've all been there and we are all still dealing with our experiences in one way or another.

On a personal note, I am not "over" my experience and my son is 2 this month. I'm due in October and also planning an HBAC, so I definitely qualify as someone who can say from experience that your feelings are very valid.

Hope to see you on ICAN!

[Dancinghen]

I've had 3 c/s (and expect another if there any more babies come along!) With my first (an emergency c/s), there was definitely a grieving process where I mourned the loss of my idea of a "perfect birth". Then as time went by, I realized that without the option of modern medical science and a c/s, I probably would have been mourning a lot more than just my idealized vision of what a birth "should" be! (If I was even around to mourn anything! ) Maybe that sounds a little harsh, but in our case, I don't think that either my baby or I would have survived without intervention. It did take me quite a while to come to this conclusion though (I'd say nearly 2 years), so no, I don't think it's necessarily something you should be "over with" by now.

With baby #2, I had hoped to have a VBAC but reluctantly chose to have a planned c/s, upon doctor's advice that a similar scenario to my first first birth would occur. And honestly, it was a lovely birth, and not just in the sense that it was as good as possible with a c/s. It was just in itself a good experience. And, I also have to say that the second c/s was far easier to deal with both emotionally and physically.

I guess that what I'm trying to get across is that whatever kind of a birth you have, even if it is not exactly what you had originally planned, as long as you and baby emerge safely and healthy--it's your birth and it's a good birth and it should be treasured as such.

[Lucysmama]

Originally posted by Dancinghen
I guess that what I'm trying to get across is that whatever kind of a birth you have, even if it is not exactly what you had originally planned, as long as you and baby emerge safely and healthy--it's your birth and it's a good birth and it should be treasured as such. [/B]

True- except that I remember very little of my dd's first 3 days of life, had complications after my c/s, my dd got nipple confusion when they gave her bottles behind my back, and after 4 weeks of trying, she still wouldn't breastfeed. We had to give up, finally. (I did pump and give it to her in a bottle for months, though.) All of these things were a direct result of the mishandling of my L/D. We are safe and healthy now, but I feel it is despite my birth experience, not because of it. For this reason, I have trouble treasuring my dd's birth day. I hope someday I will be able to look past my anger and disappointment.
Thanks for posting!
Peace,
Katie

[Cathi]

Originally posted by Dancinghen
I guess that what I'm trying to get across is that whatever kind of a birth you have, even if it is not exactly what you had originally planned, as long as you and baby emerge safely and healthy--it's your birth and it's a good birth and it should be treasured as such.

I have to disagree on a certain level. I didn't have a "good" birth with my son, quite the contrary. I treasure HIM, but not the way he had to enter this world. I think your situation is quite different from mine in that yours was an emergency and was necessary to 'save' your child. Mine wasn't. Mine was the result of insufficient midwifery care during my prenatal and labor times. She called me by the wrong name while I was in labor. And then I was abandoned by my midwife and left to deal with hospital policy all on my own with a physician I'd never met. She never even called to see if my son or I was ok.

It's really hard when someone uses the "at least you and your baby are alive" line. I never see it that way. I'm grateful that my child and I are alive, yes, but having a csection doesn't mean I'm not entitled to a vaginal birth experience. Or that I'm not entitled to grieve over the one I worked two years for and lost.

[RainCityMama]

Wow Lucysmama - your first birth sounds alot like my first birth And even 3 1/2 years and an HBAC later I STILL am getting over that experience

Dancinghen - While I think it's wonderful that you had a good c-section experience I personally disagree that just because mama and baby our healthy a women shouldn't feel upset about her birth.
I was actually just reading the latest issue of The Calrion (ICAN newsletter) and there was a list of ways to help other women overcome the trauma of a c-section and I was really touched by this statement:
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Recognize, honor and accept the feelings of loss or sadness if they are present. "The most important thing is that the baby is healthy" is one of the most repeated sentiments after a ceserean. Of course it is, but it is also important to comfort the mother and acknowledge her frustration if this is what she is feeling.
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To all of you other ladies who are feeling this loss, you are *NOT* alone, no matter how old your babies are!
I imagine I will always feel sadness around the way my son came into the world and even more so NOW after having had such an empowering experience with my daughters birth - I know what I missed out on with my c-section birth


Lots of to all of you - If you ever need to talk feel free to contact me!

[Dancinghen]

Oh, I was very upset after my first c/s--for a long time afterwards I couldn't even think about his birth without feeling like I had failed one of those important self-imposed "tests" of motherhood. I spent many tearful nights feeling angry and resentful--I wanted to place the blame on anyone--the midwife, the doctor, my husband's genes--anyone but me. The whole time I was pregnant I read dozens of beautiful natural birth stories and I knew exactly how I wanted the birth to proceed. Of course, life has a tendancy to throw stumbling blocks in our way... I had set up this whole series of expectations and it was crushing when things didn't happen the way I wanted. Then with my 2nd c/s, it was an agonizing decision--up until the day before the delivery I had hoped for a VBAC and done everything I think of to avoid another horrible c/s. Then, after my last prenatal visit when my wonderful family practice doctor laid things out for me and explained that based on her experience, she predicted a scenario similar to my first birth, I knew I didn't want to repeat that scary nightmare (an emergency c/s can definitely be terrifying) and I found some peace within myself that night and realized that however things proceeded, it would ok. Also, with my 2nd birth being spaced years after my first, I realized that as important as the birth process is, it's just one part of a lifetime of experience and within that lifetime, some things will work out the way you want, some things might be disappointing and some things will surprise you in ways you never dreamed of. With my 3rd c/s, I was surprised yet again in that I thought I would have another "routine" c/s--it didn't turn out that way at all. The anesthetic didn't work and I vividly felt every cut, tug, etc. It was not at all a desirable expereince--however, at the end of the day I did have my beautiful baby in my arms and it was ok.

I would never tell anyone that they shouldn't recognize or honor their sadness, but I would say that after a period of time (whatever feels right for that person in that situation) that it is possible to accept the fact that sometimes things happen and it's ok to let go of the anger and accept, and maybe even find some positives, within an experience that doesn't evolve as planned. For me, I find that holding on to anger and disappointment affects my life profoundly in many different apsects (and I'm talking about all realms, here, not just in my birth expereinces). When I can find a way to let go of those feelings, I find that I am a happier and more peaceful person. Sometimes I can accept the negatives quickly and move on, other times it may take months or even years, but I always find that as I've emerged from the process I've grown in ways I hadn't knew existed before the whole experience started.