when to start "disciplining"? - Page 2

[mommyofshmoo]

Originally Posted by adesiew

My DS (6.5 months) has just started to display some determined characteristics.

He has just started on solids (LOVES IT btw!) and loves to grab hold of the spoon so that he can gnaw on it. That's fine but that also means he doesn't let me have the spoon to put more food into his mouth. I've tried using another spoon to feed him as he holds on to one but since the other spoon is in his mouth, I try to move it away so that I can feed him another spoonful. This is when he starts being agitated and starts crying because I moved his spoon. When meal time is over and I try to take the spoon away from him, he gets upset and increasingly has been showing some anger. The funny thing is, he doesn't do this with his daddy or his grandparents. The boy sure knows who he can push around! DS is usually good natured and laughs and smiles easily until I try to take something that he is obviously enjoying away.

I am wondering when we should start setting down some boundaries and whether he will understand.

Sorry, if this issue has been brought up and discussed before.

Listen, you have a child. Kids in real life are not like kids on TV. Suprise, they have a will that is not the same as yours! And Suprise! they want to play with their food and learn how to use a spoon. Welcome to parenting.

This is how kids learn- they pick up everything, they put it in their mouths, they smell it and taste it, then try to stand on it and break it and use it and figure it all out. It's a messy process and doesn't look anything like a gerber's commercial.

You're parenting experience is going to be pretty trying if you have to set boundaries and have consequences every time your child and you don't aggree.

That said, if you don't want to deal with a spoon fight, either don't use a spoon and fedd baby with your fingers, or allow baby to feed self with fingers, or let baby hold spoon and play with it.

At this age food is not really necessary anyway. If you don't want to deal with the mess at all, wait a few months.

I guess what i'm saying- is feel free to decide what you can live with, but don't make it about a battle of the wills. You can change a circumstance, but you can't change your child's mind. Children are like all people- they have their own ideas about stuff,


Oh, and don't beleive the BS people say about "they act up around you because you're weak (or spoil them, or whatever)". Babies and toddlers always act worse around their moms. ALWAYS. It's because they trust their moms more than anyone else. They feel safe to explore and challenge.

[aisraeltax]

my ds is 9 months old and if i give him a spoon, he takes it away and it is HIS. i ditched any baby food (i was making my own) and now he just eats things that he can feed himself. which means it gets everywhere. his food intake at 9 months is very little. mostly, food is for playing with and throwing in the floor.

ds also doesnt like having things taken away from him, so if he has a spoon in his hand at the end of the meal, and im about to bathe him, then he is bathed with the spoon. i dont take the spoon away until he becomes interested in somethign else. why would i? he likes it...he's having fun. my dh doesnt understand this and looks at me like i have 3 heads BUT these things are what makes my baby happy.. there is no reason for me to take control of the situation...his objective in life is to learn about the world around him and thats what he is busy doing. who am i to hinder that process?

[mom2katie]

I don't quite understand why he has to eat a certain way at 6 months. It is just about experiencing textures and such. Mabye it is dumb of me but I just let my 10.5 month old dd have the spoon. I got one of those suction cup bowls and if I am feeding her some sort of puree I put it in the bowl and let her at it. She makes a BIG mess sure but she has a good time and has a positive attitude about food! I don't know because I am a first time mom. Maybe she will be making a mess still at 6 or 7 but somehow I think she'll catch on!

[lilyka]

another fun thing you may want to consider is thos emesh feeder things. they can go to town nawing on stuff but nothing but mush is going to come through the mesh. babies love them! you stickl whatever food (fruit or even fozen fruit are always hits) and let them go crazy.

as for boundires. You can have firm boundries for certain things (for xample I have never let my kids twiddle my nipples or do crazy wiggling while nursing. it hurts and I don't have the patience for it.) while stuill being flexible and loving. you don't need to be controlling and mean about it. Just be consistant and loving and eventually he will just accept it as part of whatever (nursing eating whatever)

[ZeldasMom]

Originally Posted by adesiew

Which leads me back to my wonderings that I may have to lay down some boundary foundations.

You encounter a lot of peole out in the world who think you need to do this with babies or they will be ruined. It's not true. I try to focus on communication more than discipline. I posted some info from Bill and Win Sweet on boundaries with toddlers in post 2 and 12 of this thread you might find interesting. The article linked to in post 18 has good info on how they don't understand "no".

[GalateaDunkel]

My baby does the same thing. I take it as a sign that more food is not needed if it seems less interesting than the spoon. I do try to take it back and see if she'll go for another bit of food, but if she really hangs onto it or there is any kind of fuss, I back off.

It never even occurred to me to try to apply some kind of behavioral standard or "boundary" in this matter. Frankly, I am a little shocked. (And I say that as a conservative person who often avoids the GD forum because I find the values/philosophies there to be somewhat extreme.)

What is the value of enforcing a certain way of eating at this age? Or is it a general principle of submissively allowing the parent to determine what takes place? Aside from one's philosophical view of that principle for life in general, are you aware of why that is developmentally inappropriate and potentially damaging for feeding issues in particular? The important thing for them to learn at this age is HOW TO EAT - which requires the ability to explore freely - not "how to obey mom."

Also what is with the "three strikes you're out." If I understand correctly - if the meal is not going as you wish, or if there is too much crying in response to the forced removal of the spoon, you interrupt the meal entirely, and you do this up to three times? And if it happens three times, then the meal has to end? Why?????? If the eating's going to be interrupted anyway, why not just let him enjoy the spoon while he's not eating? It seems like you are using interruption of the meal to provide negative reinforcement for resisting the removal of the spoon. IOW punishment. Not to mention making a lot more trouble for yourself.

You may get compliant behavior if you continue down this path, but given the child's age it will be based on conditioned fear of withdrawal of mother-love through your negative and punitive behavior.

[marybethorama]

Originally Posted by mommyofshmoo

I guess what i'm saying- is feel free to decide what you can live with, but don't make it about a battle of the wills. You can change a circumstance, but you can't change your child's mind. Children are like all people- they have their own ideas about stuff,


Oh, and don't beleive the BS people say about "they act up around you because you're weak (or spoil them, or whatever)". Babies and toddlers always act worse around their moms. ALWAYS. It's because they trust their moms more than anyone else. They feel safe to explore and challenge.

Well said. I love the last statement. It is so true.

[DevaMajka]

Originally Posted by GalateaDunkel

Also what is with the "three strikes you're out." If I understand correctly - if the meal is not going as you wish, or if there is too much crying in response to the forced removal of the spoon, you interrupt the meal entirely, and you do this up to three times? And if it happens three times, then the meal has to end?

I understood it as if he asks to get down, then wants back in his chair to eat, she will do that 3 times. After the third time she distracts him to something else.

I agree though. If the kids happy with the spoon, let him have the spoon. He'll eat when he wants to eat, and he won't when the spoon is more important. If you genuinely are concerned about the safety of it, try to let him have it for a small amount of time while you closely supervise, then find something super fun to replace it with.