From 2 incomes to 1: so many questions...

[corhorvath]

Hi All,

My husband and I are facing the questions: should I stay home with the girls? Can we make it? Do we want to struggle? and more...

Right now, I'm a WOHM and I bring home half the income. I've posted before that I don't feel a strong need nor do I even think I'll be successful at being a SAHM--BUT we think our baby may need me. She is much happier when I'm around, she only wants me to hold her, and she is different during the week than she is on the weekends. We want her have what she needs-especially at such a young age. So, we're trying to figure out, what all do we need to consider.

Like I said, I bring home half the income so that's a big cut in our family budget. Luckily, we do live pretty modestly so if we cut out college savings, my retirement savings, the money I pay my mom to watch the girls, my 4.5 yo's preschool, our second car, cable, dance class, weekend trips, all credit card payments, one of my life insurance policies, my commuting expenses, and our extra spending money--we'd have enough for me to stay home.

That being said, we'd only have barely enough for us to pay our basic bills. That in itself is great since we'd have money to live. But we'd cut out everything else. This scares me because we do a lot together and cutting out our money will not allow us to do this. I've already asked myself: is this worth J's (baby) happiness? Obviously, not but it's still a big deal. We don't spend our money on clothes and toys and other such things-we spend it on savings, weekend trips, and doing things together. That seems like a lot to cut out from our family life.

Also, I've worked very hard to get where I am in my career (which really isn't real far but I made it to that stepping stone-no longer an assistant but not really in control of much). Out of 6 kids to a single mom, I'm the only one to go to college. Then, as a single mom myself, I earned a master's degree in 2005 and have just started working in the field I graduated from. Quitting work is scary to me because this is what I've always planned on doing. To leave work and stay home scares me--big time. I always wanted to go to college and have a career and now I have/do. I've reached so many goals and am sitting in a great place to keep going, but I don't want to hurt my daughter. I guess people would say this is selfishness but I'm really worried about being unhappy at home or resenting my decision later in life.

So, I'm wondering--how did you look at a situation like this and decided-yes, I'm going to stay home? What did you consider?

[4imprints]

Well for us the decision was a little bit easier - our children are "special needs" - hearing impaired - and finding a regular daycare to take them and also provide for their needs just wanted possible. So I stay home (and we continue to have more children too). Right now things are tight for us - we don't have any extra money to save. We even had to cancel a planned trip because we weren't sure we could save the money in time. We barely have money to do special things on the weekends and my DH and I really enjoy the movies (last time we did that???). We've been able to cope by finding free things on the weekends to do - story time at the library, feeding the ducks at the park, fairs, etc. Sometimes there are weekends where we actually can't do everything that we want to do because there aren't enough days! All of my kids clothes are bought at sales or consignment shops. I budget food pretty well (plus living close to my mother I can get a few freebies each month!LOL!).

The only thing that bothers me is not being able to save money right now. But I also know that once all of our children (PG with #3 right now, planning for #4 or #5) are school age I WILL go back to work. I feel that things will be great then.

For us it was really what we wanted for our family. I figured if we wanted it bad enough we could make it work. There have been times when my husband has taken a second job but it was a decision we made.

That being said - I have been able to find work on occasion. I occasionally tutor, babysit, clean friends houses and most importantly I am able to do paperwork for a lady who has her office at home (a social worker). It isn't much --- but it does help us pay for unexpected expenses such as car repairs or weddings and things. I am able to bring the kids with me. There are other things I'm sure you could look into if that would make you feel more comfortable with being at home.

Also --- I am no where near a great SAHM. My house is not immaculate - we do not go to the park everyday etc etc etc. But my kids benefit. Still - it isn't for everyone and you definitely need to make sure it will work for you. It will take a huge financial adjustment but it isn't impossible. But it isn't something to go into lightly.

[Treasuremapper]

Just do it. I think you will find so much joy and fulfillment staying home with your kids that cutting out those other things will not be as hard as you think. Also, some sahms have been happily surprised to find that their husbands get significant raises soon after they decide to stay home. All of those material thangz are not as important as watching your baby grow up. I say take the leap.

[Godaime]

After reading your situation I would not quit my job. I am ALL for sah with your child, if you can trim the fat out of your expenses and still be able to afford it. But you said you have to cut retirement savings, college savings, dance class, weekend trips, insurance policy, and extra spending money. I feel like thats cutting ALOT. Can you maybe work part time instead of full time? I think feeling financially comfortable is important. I think for those who are struggling fiancially they become very stressed. That can't be good for you.

[KimProbable]

I believe very strongly that kids need SAHMs to raise them, so cutting excess things like the ones you've mentioned would not be a deal-breaker for me. I think that you being at home with your kids is more important to them than a college fund or dance lessons. The college fund could be re-started at a later date and dance lessons could be replaced by free/cheap family outings (nature hikes, baking cookies, library visits, creating crafts, playing in the yard, etc.).

My DH and I believe very strongly that my place is at home with our kids and we've given up a lot to allow me to be here. We don't have cable, we sold our second car, our vacations are very low-cost, we shop second-hand, and the gifts we give each other are more practical than extravagant. We've never had a moment of regret. Kids are little for such a short time and jobs can be picked up later on down the road.

[corhorvath]

I appreciate your comments so far and hope more people will post but I don't want this to turn into what we believe is best. I really am looking for what are some important things to consider.

I'm so worried about making the jump and by nature, I'm a very careful person.

I agree with what Godaime said here which is a lot of what I'm worried about:
"But you said you have to cut retirement savings, college savings, dance class, weekend trips, insurance policy, and extra spending money. I feel like thats cutting ALOT. Can you maybe work part time instead of full time? I think feeling financially comfortable is important. I think for those who are struggling fiancially they become very stressed. That can't be good for you."

And like inezyv, this is stirring inside me:
"Just do it. I think you will find so much joy and fulfillment staying home with your kids that cutting out those other things will not be as hard as you think. Also, some sahms have been happily surprised to find that their husbands get significant raises soon after they decide to stay home. All of those material thangz are not as important as watching your baby grow up. I say take the leap."

I agree with 4imprints:
"For us it was really what we wanted for our family. I figured if we wanted it bad enough we could make it work. There have been times when my husband has taken a second job but it was a decision we made."

If we want it bad enough, we'll make it work. I totally agree with this which is why I've made it through school and made it through to my current job.

And like KimProbable said:
"Kids are little for such a short time and jobs can be picked up later on down the road."

That's what makes it so hard--there's so many truths. I'm thinking it's all going to boil down to what we want to make work. My husband and I fought over this when I first brought it up but this morning he had to come back after leaving the house becaus he forgot his building pass. When he came home he got to see what I experience every morning and called me later to apologize and say that he now sees it. Our little babe really needs me at home. Yeah, I don't think I can rationalize past that. It's just true.

Anyone want to buy a Subaru??

[Treasuremapper]

Originally Posted by Godaime

After reading your situation I would not quit my job. I am ALL for sah with your child, if you can trim the fat out of your expenses and still be able to afford it. But you said you have to cut retirement savings, college savings, dance class, weekend trips, insurance policy, and extra spending money. I feel like thats cutting ALOT. Can you maybe work part time instead of full time? I think feeling financially comfortable is important. I think for those who are struggling fiancially they become very stressed. That can't be good for you.

1. Extra spending money -- let that one go, that's easy.
2. Dance classes -- let that go, too, that one is easy.
3. College savings -- your kids are still young, and you make good money, you can pick that up in three years.
4. Weekend trips -- very easy to let that go, when you consider how much your inner joy is going to be magnified by being with your baby.
5. Retirement savings -- pick that up again in three years, just at a brisker pace since by that time you will be accustomed to doing without all the other little extras.
6. Insurance Policy -- I don't know too many details, but I would try to keep that. Maybe cut back on eating out and learn to save on groceries?

You can live more frugally, and it is so worth it. Now, giving up some things really hurt. Coloring my hair, the gym, maid service, manicures and pedicures -- those were the things that caused some pain.

ETA: We did it with just one car for two years. It's not that bad. Not that great, but not that bad.

[corhorvath]

Originally Posted by inezyv

6. Insurance Policy -- I don't know too many details, but I would try to keep that. Maybe cut back on eating out and learn to save on groceries?

You can live more frugally, and it is so worth it. Now, giving up some things really hurt. Coloring my hair, the gym, maid service, manicures and pedicures -- those were the things that caused some pain.

ETA: We did it with just one car for two years. It's not that bad. Not that great, but not that bad.

You know what's funny:
This is a second life insurance policy-so I'd still have one.

And as for hair, gym, manicures, even new clothes--I work full time, make good money and spend no money on these things. Most of my clothes are hand-me-downs and I buy my shoes at Payless. So it's not like I even have to sacrifice those things. My girls too. Most of their clothes are hand-me-downs.

Our money really goes towards doing things--but I'm sure we could still do things, they would just be different things.

[Rigama]

I love being sahm. I really really do. However, I think that some really great moms just aren't happy staying home with their kiddos. It can be exhausting, tight and overwehlming at times, to say the least.

I have to tell you, the reasons you listed wouldn't be a deal breaker for me, either. We live check to check and buy only off brand everything. We don't go on trips or vacations. But we do have a boat load of fun.

I would suggest you really think about what it is that will make you happy. It is true your baby needs her mama. But is a miserable, stressed out mom who's ALWAYS there better than a mom who may leave for 8 hours a day but is on and joyful when with her children?

For me, staying with DS was never NOT an option. I have worked at times, but always as a nanny where I could bring him. I just couldn't let someone else spend his best hours with him. But that's me and my situation. The benefits of being a sahm far outweigh the fact that we don't have a membership to the Children's Museum or that he can't take a music class.

I suspect that if you make the decision to sahm you will realize that the sheer amount of one on one quality time you have with your kiddos will render all those outside activities pretty useless. It is a tough choice you have to make, and I hope you can figure out what is right for you.

Good luck!

[Lucky Charm]

You mentioned cutting out your credit card payments. How would you do this? Would you be dipping into savings to pay off the balances? If so, what would you fall back on if you needed to?

Is there anyway you could work parttime or take a leave? How hard would it be to get back into your career field?

Have you thought about the emotional element and the potential shift in your marriage if you stop working? Contributing as much as you do isnt chump change, and the shift can be a difficult transition, for you and your husband.

As far as dance lessons and weekends away, I could give those up too. But when it comes to staying home, for some people it just isnt about the material aspect and cutting back, its the intangibles.

[Godaime]

Do you have any sort of savings prepared for being sahm? I mean its going to be a big adjustment if you just slash half the income and start living paycheck to paycheck. For me I don't think I can handle living paycheck to paycheck, unless you have parents to help chip in, incase something happens. Also what does your dh do for a living? Does he get enough raises that you can start saving again real soon, enough to start your retirement and college savings in 3 yrs? I would consider these things.

[Treasuremapper]

The voice of reason speaks more softly than the voice of the heart.

Yeah, money is great, having equal power to dh is great, vacations and so forth, those are all great.

But for those who are called to be a sahm, as the OP obviously is, nothing is more meaningful. I am not having a mommy war here -- I can hear the OPs own words about how her baby needs her and she needs to be with her children. This is a calling of the heart, and the sacrifices and hardships are worth it to those of us who choose to do it. I do understand about giving up material thangz -- we used to be dual income, no kids for the first ten years of our marriage, then I quit and we went to one income and had children. This was a HUGE adjustment.

But I am glad I did it. If you have similar feelings, almost of needing to stay home for emotional reasons, then I would say go for it. The financial stuff will work itself out.

[bczmama]

I agree there is a lot to consider here -- especially in light of the fact that you have more than one child.

First to consider is how much should one child be expected to sacrifice for the other? Especially in light of the fact that the behavior you're observing from your daughter could be just a temporary developmental phase.

Second, I would look around (maybe in the WOHM forum) to check with other mothers who have gone back to work after SAH. My impression is that it has been very difficult for them to go back at anywhere near their previous level. A friend of mine who went back after 4 years away found herself essentially competing (unfavorably) with recent college grads even with her graduate degree and 7 years experience in her field. Basically she will never recoup that time in her career. If the OP doesn't mind that, its fine, but its something to be aware of.

Third, I believe that money matters. For example, my understanding is that financial stresses are usually listed as one of the top reasons for divorce. Only the OP and her husband can truly decide whether the economic sacrifices are too great. I will only say that for me, the constant stress of being in a situation where one accident, one illness, one wrong move (and not even a major one) could put my family into poverty would not be a situation in which I could live (of course OP's situation may be different). In addition, for me personally, I don't feel that some of those items the OP is talking about removing are optional. For example, the retirement savings -- I have a friend who is delaying having her own kids because she's writing checks of $10-15,000 a year to support her mom. For her, having a SAHM when she was growing up is not worth the economic sacrifice now and for me personally, its not fair to put a kid in that situation if it can be avoided.

In case the question comes up -- yes, I am a SAHM. However, for me personally, I only got comfortable with being SAH because I worked until my mid-30s, had a good-paying job during that time, was a very diligent saver, and because my husband has a good-paying job with a strong potential for a much better upside.

[jlpumkin]

I don't believe you will notice all of that "together" weekend time once you spend 24/7 with them However you mentioned that while you believe in sah you didn't think it was normally for you. Since everyone else seemed to have the particulars covered I thought I would address this. I would suggest finding tons of free activities - preferably within walking distance or on the bus line if you're car free. Just getting out regularly seems to take the egde of sah. Some sort of network of fellow sahmoms is great as well. Also since you mentioned that you have a masters degree you might want to consider colleges in your area. Especially adult education programs have their classes at night, weekends & on-line, and always seem to be looking for experienced professionals to teach. Something of this nature might help you to be available to your children when they need you but also ease up on your financial restrictions. You know the whole saying - nobody's happy if mama ain't happy - that goes for the baby too. If your miserable at home due to finances or just not happy with your position, even baby won't be happy. Best of luck to you... imo the sacrifice is worth it a million times over.

[wildmonkeys]

I might look at whether you have any pt opportunities to bring in a little extra cash. You mentioned CC payments...are you carrying much debt on your cards or referring to payments for new purchases? If you are referring to payments for new purchases then I would be more comfortable stopping work and stopping buying, but if you are carrying debt it might be much less stressful to work pt or to wait until you have paid that down. If you are carrying debt, I would probably limit college/retirement payments until you have that taken care of.

We lost about half of our income when I started staying home and we haven't found the change to impact our lifestyle as much as we thought...we weren't rich before and we aren't rich now We have found we like not having cable and our extra spending money didn't bring us a bunch of pleasure anyway. I do teach preschool gymnastics 2 hours a week which brings in about $35 a week and gets my kids free gymnastics & swimming lessons. We are comfortable with cutting back on the amount that is going towards college/retirement right now because getting used to living on income sets a family up to put all of the second income towards college & retirement once it is available.

It does sound like you would have to cutout an awful lot, but you might find yourself finding less expensive alternatives once you have a bit of extra time. Maybe you will have the time to research less expensive weekend trips or find some free or cheap library, arts, museum, open gym programs to substitute for dance class for a little while. Or take your kids to the park and play a bit of free tennis together or something. Once you get into the swing of a new schedule all sort of new possibilities tend to present themselves.

Good luck - it is very difficult to weigh the costs & benefits of such a major lifestyle switch for different members of the family and balance out the needs of one child with another at any given moment.

BJ
Barney & Ben

[corhorvath]

Thank you so much for all the wonderful considerations.

I'm going to try to respond to all that's been said without getting too long winded.

Credit cards and savings
We'll have no savings if I quit right now and we'd still have our credit cards. My plan would be to pay off the cards (appox. 6 mos), sell my car, and then quit the job.

Financial constraints and our marriage
This is actually a big concern to me. My husband grew up poor and doesn't want to go back. He has worked hard to be financially stable and having a working wife was part of that. He understands our daughter's needs but this is still an issue deep down. We've only been married for a year and during that time I was pregnant AND our pregnancy was high-risk and very stressful. We didn't live together before marriage so we had a lot of adjustments to make in our first year. AND I (we) have a 4.5 yo daughter so he became a father real fast. We've been together since my oldest was only 3 mos old but he was never "daddy" like he is now. Add to that the financial expenses of the high-risk pregnancy (tests, specialty doctors, etc.) and we've been through a lot in our first year. ***Just to note, our daughter was born 100% healthy so there are no special health reasons for me to stay home with her.***

This is a worry to me. If we add another stressor to a young marriage that has finally got some peace just over the past 4 months, could we make it work?

Getting back into the professional field
This is a big concern for me too. Like I said earlier, I've had to work very hard to get where I am--and where I am isn't very far. So, the reality of having to work back up to my middle ground is very disheartening.

I also wonder if it's more important to be a sahm when the kids are in school so I can be there after school, through the summers, and be available for all the meetings and stuff that happen through the year.

I very much like the idea of teaching night school. I have a bachelor's in history and a master's in technical communication so it seems to be a good combo for teaching. I think in order to keep some sort of link to our current lifestyle, I'd have to do something part time. It seems doing something professional would be

Being OK staying at home
I really worry about this. When I was on maternity leave, I loved it! But, I had saved my annual bonus so I had extra money for shopping and a trip to see my sisters that wouldn't be part of my real life as a sahm. When I had my first daughter, I couldn't wait to go back to work. I was excited and loved it from the minute I walked in the door. With my new baby, I've only had glimpses of these feelings. The feeling that prevails inside is that I want to be with her. And while I like to follow my feelings, I'm a rational person and don't take things lightly. I don't want to hurt my marriage or my older daughter or even my younger daughter.

It's a big deal to me to have my daughter experience things like dance class. Not because I expect her to be anything in particular but because she loves dance and music. I actual don't have her in class this year because I couldn't take another recital. Yet, every night she practices wants to know when she can start class again. I'm really not doing dance for me, we started it because she has a real interest in it. So how do I reconcile things like that?

[cappuccinosmom]

For me, being home is totally worth the sacrifice. There have been times when we actually put off what we 'needed' (health insurance, life insurance) because neither dh nor I wanted to put our children in daycare. I'm sure some would gasp and tell us we're stupid, but it was worth it to us, and we have a slightly different perspective (religious) on those things as well.

My husband grew up literally dirt poor and doesn't want to be poor either, but both of us have agreed that whatever it takes, our kids will have mom at home, even if that means some years of low income until his career takes off. If you're going to have your children in school, it won't be long until you could pick up part time work and still be home when they get home. Honestly, if you notice such a difference in your baby when you're home and when you're not, I'd make a leap of faith, for her sake.

[primjillie]

That is a very tough decision. I was a sahm for years and loved it, but it is a struggle. My criteria is - can you put a roof over your head, keep up your utilities, keep food on the table and clothes on your bodies, have health insurance, allow a few luxuries (necessities to me) like dance class, little league, scouts, etc., be able to say yes to birthday parties and Christmas (because you can afford the presents). These are the things I think are important - if you can do that, go for it. I didn't want my children to feel like they had to do without the basics and I wouldn't have lived in poverty just to stay home. I did daycare and some odd jobs from home, so that helped pay for the little extras and sometimes the basics.

[Rigama]

Ds and I watched a Little Bear episode yesterday. He wanted to go camping but Father Bear hurt his toe. Mother Bear reminded him "Where there's a will there's a way." and through multiple obsticals and hardships, he learned that if you want something badly enough, you can make it work, even if it's a bit unconventional or not a glamorous as you'd like.

I'd have to say the same thing to you. What you need to determine is whether or not you really WANT and NEED to be home with your baby dd. Yes, there are 150,000 reasons to stay home. And 150,000 NOT to, but what it boils down to is do you really really have a desire to be a sahm? Because if you do, you will find a way to make it work. I could sit here and argue against all of your hesitations, but that wouldn't do you one iota of good. This is your decision to make.

While I totally understand your and your dh's desire to not be poor (I grew up so far below the poverty line that poverty seemed posh to us), I have to say that it seems unfair for you to have to deny your maternal instinct to be with your daughter because HE has a plan that includes a wife that works. Once kiddos come along, plans change. Can your new and already stressed marriage make it? I don't know. I hope so. But I have to wonder, what will it do to your marriage if you come to the conclusion that you need to be with dd, but he keeps you from doing so because of his hang ups? That can't be good for your marriage either.

I would love to tell you to just do it. But I can't. Unless or until you take that leap of faith, as a pp said, you will not be able to understand all the wonderful benefits of being home with your kids. All I can really do is encourage you to do what feels right to you, and not to let your dh talk you out of doing something you believe is best.

[4imprints]

Originally Posted by corhorvath

It's a big deal to me to have my daughter experience things like dance class. Not because I expect her to be anything in particular but because she loves dance and music. I actual don't have her in class this year because I couldn't take another recital. Yet, every night she practices wants to know when she can start class again. I'm really not doing dance for me, we started it because she has a real interest in it. So how do I reconcile things like that?

I just wanted to tell you that there are ways to still do this too. My daughter is in private dance classes (well - a regular dance school) which can run me close to 200 a month during recital time. BUT our local playground (the city run recreational programs) has a dance class that cost $50 for the entire YEAR!!!! So there are ways for that too. Its just a matter of looking in unconventional places.

My opinion right now would be to work towards the goal of being able to stay home. You said it would take you about 6 months anyway before you would decide to quit. I don't think you have to make the decision now. you might find that your daughter is a different baby in 6 months and you might not feel the pressure to stay home or you may find that once the credit cards are paid off that finances don't feel as stressful.

As for you marriage - yes it can work. I got pregnant only 3 months after my husband and I started dating. Talk about stressful. There have been a lot of ups and downs but we've talked about it a lot. We know that things are stressful for everyone those first few years. We know that finances will always be an issue. So we make the decision to not let those things control our decisions about our marriage. We try to seperate the financial arguments from the arguments that actually involve our relationship and feelings for each other. It made us realize that the problems weren't with "us" but they were with things that will change over time - finances.

Anyway - good luck