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I'm depressed....

post #1 of 14
Thread Starter 
Never thought I'd have a problem like this.
After Serra was born I was overjoyed...not a touch of weepiness or sadness. And I was fine and loved being a mom for the entire time I had only her.
This time it is insane. I haven't felt good since i had her. The strange thing is that this was a wonderful natural birth, much less traumatic than my first. anyway, I just want to know, am I normal?
I feel this huge amount of guilt because I am just not enjoying my baby. Of course I have those, she's so cute moments, because she is so cute, but I am just so unhappy in general. My main thought is why did we have another baby? And I feel awful for feeling this way. I can remember before she was born I loved being a mom, I had very strong convictions about being a full time SAHM and that children need their mother and all that...now I just have no insperation. I just wonder every day what the point of my life is.
I keep waiting for this to pass and I feel so so guilty because I really think i should be rejoicing in this beautiful new life I have been given. Instead I am hating almost every moment of my life. The only time I am happy is when dh is around and we are laughing together. I am really not enjoying my girls.
Anyway, I am getting redundant here. I just need some feedback. Am I normal.? When will this pass? What can I do to stop from crying every day?
post #2 of 14
Dear Beth -

Sounds like you are suffering from real post-partum depression - which is a serious mental health issue. It's so hard to talk about these feelings (especially of ambivalence towards your girls) and you took a huge step posting this thread. Talking about your feelings is the primary way to find relief. You are not abnormal - you just need to get some good counsel. First, I would make an appointment with my doctor and discuss your symptoms -- see if he/she can give you a referral for a mental health clinician. Someone to talk with and help you evaluate your situation. Medication may be an issue if you're breasfeeding - - but it's worth discussing. Also - I would find a support group with other mothers (a playgroup, even). If you can - try to be less hard on yourself - and ask for help. An excellent start by talking about it here. Remember, getting help for yourself is the best way to be the best mom you can be to your Serra and Hero.

Good luck and hang in there
post #3 of 14
Beth -

You may have found this already - but there is a Post-Partum Depression Forum on these boards - take a peek.
post #4 of 14
Thread Starter 
Thank you for answering me. I really really hope I don't have real PPD. I just keep waiting to feel better and hoping it goes away. It has only been a week and a half since she was born so I think I will give it a bit longer before I get prffessional help. I love being able to talk about it on here though. I am glad someone is listening. I also hope that if it doesn't go away or if it gets worse that I will have the courage to get help. Isn't it strange that it feels like such a shameful thing? Its like if I do have PPD I will feel like a failure as a mother. And I have these sister in laws that I feel I have to live up to this certain level to. It is strange that I care what they think, but I know that if I did have to go to the doctor and get help I would feel so ashamed to them and worry about what they think.
After reading some of the other posts I am somewhat comforted and somewhat scared. I have no thoughts of hurting either baby or myself so that is good, but i am scared of getting those thoughts someday. I just really hope this is not the real PPD and just a hormone thing. I and hoping and praying every day that these sad feelings just drift away. I am noticing some improvments day to day so maybe it'l be okay.
Right now I think i am dealing okay without professional help. But I know that if it keeps up much longer I will need help. I pray I will have the courage to get it if I need it. I know everyone on here will help me have th courage when I need it. For now just keep talking to me and telling me I am normal. That is what I need to hear. Thank you all so much.
post #5 of 14
Hi Beth,

I can relate to your post. My girls are 4 and 6 and I don't think I had PPD, but anxious depression that started last fall out of the blue (well, in the aftermath of 9/11). It has been really hard to come to terms that this is happening to me. There is such a stigma about mental health, so we end up feeling shameful about it. I also have never had thoughts of hurting myself or anyone else, but I have definitely worried at times that I might have those thoughts. It is a very scary thing to go through.

You are only a couple weeks postpartum so I would give it a little more time. I was very emotional and teary in the first few weeks postpartum with both of mine and then it cleared up.

It certainly wouldn't hurt, however, to talk to a counselor. There can be a lot of issues that come to the surface after having a baby.

Take care of yourself and keep posting.

post #6 of 14
Hi Beth,
I think that you have taken a great first step by asking for some support...good for you.
I know what you are going through, I have been through it myself and helped other women with their struggles.
Some suggestions:
Get a journal, write down everything that you are feeling, don't be afraid to be honest with your self.
Write a down a support list of #'s and email addresses of folks that will listen to you when you need to talk.
Pamper yourself. I find aromatherapy very helpful. Go to the health food store and get some essential oils. They are kind of pricey but well worth it. Lavendar, citrus, ylang ylang, clary sage and frankincense are the ones that I have found the most helpful. Just pick the one or two that smell best to you. put them in your bath water and wear them as perfume.
Get out of the house, even if it is for a short walk around the block.

I know that it this may seem a little crazy for me to say this but this is an important process that you are going through, you are not struggling in vain. You are on a powerful journey.

Much love to you,
post #7 of 14
One more thing, if you need a good laugh go to the Childhood years and read the When kids say embrassing things posting. I have laughed that hard in a long time.
post #8 of 14
Please,please go to this site & take the Self Assessment Quiz!


Of course it does not take the place of a doctor, but it will give you a good idea of what is going on. There is lots of great info on this site.

Talking with Jane (the founder) in 1997 probably saved my life. Her phone # is listed on the site. I found her info in an old issue of Mothering. Just reading the symptoms listed in the article caused me to go into wracking sobs. I told my husband that I wanted to die. I was 2 1/2 weeks postpartum (with second baby). That is the day I went to the doctor & started on meds.

This is not your fault. It is a chemical imbalance. Medication has been a miracle for me.

fullcirclesb has listed some great suggestions. Just one problem...How can you do those things when it is difficult to even brush your teeth? I believe now that medication can get you to a place that you can feel joy again. Then from there you can think clearly about the next steps.

Please keep us updated on how you are!! Support is essential.
post #9 of 14
Please please please don't beat yourself up. It's overwhelming physically and mentally. You forget how hard it is and then, WHAM, you're right back to newborn stage.

Give yourself the right to feel overwhelmed. It will go away when you relax. And, please reach out and talk. Talk to your dr. if you feel that would help.

You're OKAY!
post #10 of 14
Hi Carla,
Thanks for that web addresses, as a postpardum doula that specializes in PPD, I'm always looking for new resources to help out my clients.
It sounds like you also had a rough time and medication really helped a lot.
It seems like Beth is not really comfortable with the idea of going to the doctor or going on meds. I was offering some suggestions that have been helpful in my practice.
PPD is as varied as the women that have it. I don't believe that there is a cut and dry answer for relief.
post #11 of 14
My youngest is 9 mo and I felt like this. With Ds#1 I was totally in love from the beginning, but with #2 I didn't even like him alot of the time. I helped me to be able to tell dh that I just didn't want another, I didn't like it, I just wanted to leave, have no resposibilites, ect.
Now at 9 months I have fallen in love and things are alot better-being a mom to two kids under two is hard. I think for me that just took a while to sink in because 1 baby was so easy he just fit right in our life, our bed, our souls. But making all these work for two wasn't so easy-he didn't fit our bed we had to get a bigger one: he didn't fit our life we needed another sling, a place for him at the table, somewhere to nurse two at once: even my soul needed rearrangeing to fit both of them.
I didn't ever feel like I was going to harm them I just wasn't having any fun
I have been thinking about you, wondering if you were over the engorgement, if everyone is still healthy, Now I will be wondering about you even more. You are doing agreat job!
post #12 of 14
Thread Starter 
Thank you all so much for your caring! It feels great that people do care.
Well, on satruday I felt a ton better. THen Sunday I felt normal, completely normal. It was such a relief. I went to my inlaws to watch the superbowl and had a great time. I really felt like I was maturing and growing in motherhood...
Then last night i got sick. I was up all night throwing up and today I just feel so queasy and lightheaded. Plus Serra is sick too, except not throwing up thank goodness. PLUS dh had to work today. He is gone until 10, which is getting really close thank goodness. It is drivin me nuts, one thing after another like this. And I am so worried that Hero will get sick and be throwing up. I just hope that when I feel better physically that the wonderful sense of control and happiness i felt on Sunday will come back. Today I just feel overwhelmed.
I do think the depression passed though. I am so so relived too. If i could just get things on track physically I will be fine I am sure. Keep thinking of me though. I'll get through this but not without the support of you wonderful women! Hugs to you all!
post #13 of 14
I'm so gald to hear that you are starting to feel better. It's really normal to go up and down for a while. You are one strong lady!
Lots of Love,
post #14 of 14
I had some pretty amazing PPD after the birth of my son 11 weeks ago. It was a lot like you describe - I cried a lot, I felt completely overwhelmed. Even though I have always wanted to be a mom and this was the most planned pregnancy the world has ever seen, I kept thinking, "Why did I want to have a baby?!?" I was fantasizing about the baby disappearing so I could have my old life back, and I felt incredibly guilty for my lack of a bond with this child.

At my lowest point, I just laid in bed all day while my partner and my mother cared for the baby. They brought him to me to nurse and then took him away again. It was horrible, and that day I called the doctor.

FWIW, progesterone helped me tremendously. I felt an almost immediate improvement after starting progesterone therapy (I don't know if MDs prescribe progesterone; my midwives were also naturopaths and they prescribed it). I'm also on an antidepressant.

I'm just starting to fall in love with my baby, and it's wonderful!

Good luck to you! Tara
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