Dinnertime miseries

[NaomiLorelie]

I don't *think* I'm doing anything wrong. But if you think I am or have other ideas let me know.

My 4yo is stubborn and independant. She gets it from her mama.

Every mealtime sucks. We've never been members of the clean your plate club nor do we force her to eat things she doesn't want to. I do try to get her to try things she's never had, but until recently that wasn't a problem. She's gone from eating everything to becoming excedingly picky and the list of foods she'll eat is growing shorter and shorter.

Every night I make her a meal that I think she will like. Often I ask her what she wants and will make that for dinner. Before we eat if she decides she doesn't want what we are having she can choose to have something else. Doesn't sound hard does it?

When we sit down for dinner, after about a minute she'll say she doesn't want what we are having, she wants something else. Or if she chose to have something else initially she wants what everyone else is having. When this first started I would get her something else during the meal but she would just continue to ask for other things and refuse what she had asked for. That ended up being a lot of waste and a very stressful dinner for me.

I deal with it now by telling her that I have gotten her what she has asked for and now mommy is going to relax and eat dinner. She can have something else later. Then she will whine for the entire dinner that she wants something else.

After dinner I will get her a snack but then she spends the entire night whining that she is hungry. Sometimes she'll even say that she wants dinner again.

Oh yeah, sometimes she will even do this with snacks. She will ask for something, refuse it, ask for something else, refuse that. I'm sure it would go on forever if I let it. The wasting of food has become a real issue for me, and well, quite frankly it's really annoying. Am I doing something wrong? Is this a phase?

[nonconformnmom]

It's happened with us, too; and in our case, it was just a phase. A difficult phase, but it didn't last long. It sounds to me like you're doing everything right. Just make sure you keep your voice neutral, and you're gold. It'll pass.

[OakBerry]

We are having similar issues.
Ds will tell me he wants something, that he's hungry.
So I will make it. Not only does ds not want the food, but he refuses to come to the table for meals and will then say "I'm not hungry", in a nasty tone of voice. : I think we've got mulitipe issues going on...
I think you are handling it fine.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

She is 4. She is old enough to make her OWN alternative if she she doesn't like what you serve. Seriously, this has always been the rule at our house. I make one dinner. If the kids don't like it they are allowed to get an alternative from a predetermined set of choices (e.g. if you don't like the meat course you may have cheese, a sandwich, or yogurt. If you don't like the vegetable, you may have a peice of fruit.) But once I have sat down, I am not going to get up to make anybody anything until I have enjoyed my own hot, appealing dinner. Not only does this cut down on "make mommy jump" games at dinner, it has resulted in the fact that my kids could make a PB&J sandwich before they turned 3. Of course I do some pre-planning for this to work -- acceptable alternatives are on a shelf they can reach, PB is in a plastic container etc.

[pianojazzgirl]

Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom

She is 4. She is old enough to make her OWN alternative if she she doesn't like what you serve..

That was my idea too. Also, I imagined if she had a hand in helping to make the dinner she might be more "invested" in eating it once it was made.

[newmommy]

Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom

She is 4. She is old enough to make her OWN alternative if she she doesn't like what you serve. Seriously, this has always been the rule at our house. I make one dinner. If the kids don't like it they are allowed to get an alternative from a predetermined set of choices (e.g. if you don't like the meat course you may have cheese, a sandwich, or yogurt. If you don't like the vegetable, you may have a peice of fruit.) But once I have sat down, I am not going to get up to make anybody anything until I have enjoyed my own hot, appealing dinner. Not only does this cut down on "make mommy jump" games at dinner, it has resulted in the fact that my kids could make a PB&J sandwich before they turned 3. Of course I do some pre-planning for this to work -- acceptable alternatives are on a shelf they can reach, PB is in a plastic container etc.

:

[NaomiLorelie]

Originally Posted by pianojazzgirl

That was my idea too. Also, I imagined if she had a hand in helping to make the dinner she might be more "invested" in eating it once it was made.

That's a great idea! As for her making her own, I would definately need to make the kitchen more kid friendly. The thought of her making her own pb&j sounds disasterous to me but I just need to let go.

[corhorvath]

Wow! What a great idea. I'm glad this post is up here. I never would have conisdered having my 4.5 yo make her own sandwich. She would love it! I would love it.

In our house, she gets served what we're eating. She is expected to try everything but not expected to like everything. She is not expected to clean her plate but I do expect her to eat. She, too, is not liking more and more of what she used to like. She always wants a snack later because she doesn't eat much at dinner. It's not a big deal though. For dinner, we sit down and she tries it all, decides what she likes and eats whatever she likes.

I think she gets bored more than anything and stops eating so she can play. OR she spends more time making her baby sister laugh than eating then gets bored and needs a snack later. My husband expects her to eat more than I do but I usually prevail. I don't want negative associations with food but I do want her to taste it all to see that food isn't going to hurt you just because it's a little funkier than usual.

I like the make your sandwich-she'll be doing this for her after-dinner snacks. She's going to flip!

[allbrightmama]

I don't have any advice, only sympathy. I was coming here to post something similar. The wasted food and energy are driving me mad. I think it would be easier to handle if I understood where this behavior is coming from.

Why do children who once ate everything without reservation suddenly become picky eaters? How do other parents deal with the narrowing diet? I don't mind making something else or allowing him to make something else but yogurt and pb&j are becoming too much the norm here. Why is this happening and when will it stop?

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Here are some of the things that I have done to make sure my kids can get their own snacks and I-don't-like-dinner alternatives. I offer them with the thought that they may give you some ideas about what you would do in your own kitchen. For what its worth, my kids, now 7 and 3, have been in charge of their own snacks and such since they could eat "real" food (not suggesting that breastmilk or baby food isn't real, but not coming up with a good alternative phrase at the moment. No offense intended, please!)

* Kids make messes. Especially when they are learning a new skill. Expect it and be ready to handle it without comment. If they are afraid you will be mad with a mess, they'll never learn. This was a huge attitude shift for me. Also, since they are in charge of their snacks, I don't limit timing or snack choices beyond the fact that they have to choose from "their" shelf. You clearly don't have to go that far, but it was what worked for us and is one of the reasons that food is such a no-stress thing at our house. Again, giving up that much control is mostly an attitude shift.

* I have one pantry shelf dedicated to "OK for snacks or whatever" foods that don't require refrigeration. Everything on the shelf is fair game. I buy a lot of stuff in bulk but put it in small packages when I get home and toss into the bins. Plastic container of PB and such are there too. This is also where the fruit basket lives. Because the independence this gives me and them is more important, I probably sacrifice lots of natural family living ideals to do this. The shelf above their shelf is full of spices and other unbreakable but also uninteresting things. They can reach higher now, but really don't bother.

* One end of the kids shelf has plastic kids plates and cups on it.

* There is one shelf of the fridge where all their stuff is. Not surprisingly, its the bottom shelf. I never put anything on this shelf they shouldn't touch. I put really fragile stuff (say, eggs) on the top shelf. I also put raw meat (in a glass tray) on the top shelf so they can't get at it. The kids shelf has a small lidded pitchers of milk and juice, cheese, yogurt, fruit, carrots, ranch dip, etc. on it for them. All in plastic, most with squeeze tops.

* The silverwear is in a drawer they can reach, even though its further from the dishwasher than I would like. I'm comfortable with them using table knives now, but when they were younger I put a few utensils and small butter knives on the kids pantry shelf as an alternative.

* They can reach the kitchen towels and paper towels so they can wipe up spills. They don't always, but mostly they do their best.

* There is a 2-step sturdy stepstool next to a counter so they have a place to make their own stuff. When they were younger and I wasn't comfortable with them climbing unsupervised I had them work on a little plastic kids table. I'm glad we are past that because it was crowded in the kitchen.

As you can tell, this is one of those core values for me. Having parents who were downright abusive about food, I swore that I would never battle about food with my kids. And so far, I've found ways that have resulted in happy independent kids with a good relationship with food, stress-free meals that I get to enjoy too, and they eat all sorts of things that many kids don't. While I don't feel good about all of my parenting, in this one area I can say that this worked out just as I had hoped.