Bad memories of first labor!I

[momtoS]

I am due in the spring. With DD I had an awesome midwife. I had a 12 hour labor, no pain meds, and a LOT of stitches. Without writing a novel about my feelings. I have very negative feelings about labor. It is not what I thought, I was not as in control as I like to be. My midwife told me in my first visit (this time) that I had an amazing birth and wondered if I was interested in a home birth this time. I love my midwife but I am thinking of pain meds this time, and I really feel negative about the whole experience....alot of negative, fear and sadness......how do I deal with these feelings?

[WendyC]

I too had a terrible, unbelievably painful first labor and am due with #2 in May. It was an absolute catastrophe.

I would suggest that maybe you have some post traumatic stress disorder from the whole ordeal that might best be worked out with a sympathetic counselor.

Also - write the novel. Get all those feelings out - spill those negative vibes and release them, writing down what happened is very therapeutic - I have my birth story all over the place and have been going over and over and over it.

I am going to do hypnosis to help clear out the negative feelings as well - I don't know if you would be into that at all - I love hypnosis.

Can you pinpoint what is was about the labor that spurned all the negative feelings? Was it the lack of control? The thing about labor is - you can't control it. You (as in your consciousness, your thinking mind) have no control - you have to let go and surrender to the sensations. Drugs and a hospital, however do not guarantee you control over labor either. I was transferred from my homebirth and got the epidural, and it wasn't a magic cure all. I was more out of control at the hospital than at home because my voice was ripped from me as I became prisoner to the system and regulations.

An epidural might take away the pain - but it won't give you control. There are no easy answers, there is a lot of hard work to be done, but it all must be done by you. (and me - I am in the thick of it too) I don't know where you are but see if you can find someone like http://www.earlyparenting.com/ near by to help guide you through the healing process. Or give her a call, maybe she can help over the phone.

to you. Its a hard lonely road, but its worth it in the end.

[homemademomma]

nak
i have always found it helpful to talk about it- i dont know if it is too much for you or you arent ready to share yet, but im sure we would all like to hear more about it.

[momtoS]

Thanks for your encouragement. I am not really sure why I feel so badly about my labor. It started at about 10:30am. It was not horrible in the very beginning, but quickly got very intense. I think I was under the impression that you had a contraction then could relax for a minute or two inbetween. Not so. One after another without a break. Then around 430pm I called the midwife and she said it was time to meet her at the hospital. I showered and got there around 5:15pm. It was very intense and no breaks. Then because of a possible Mytrol Valse Prolapse (which now I know I don't have) I had an IV. It took at least 7 tries, lots of poking and blood. Finally it was in, only to pop out at the end of labor and it had to be put back in. Then I was in the bathroom (and it was stinky: ) and the lab girl came in a took my blood. I was so embrassed because I worked at this same hospital and saw her regularly. Then I was in the shower for two hours. I remember that the Lab girl said with surprise that I hadn't had my epi yet, that she usually sees people when they are sleeping or laughing and chatting. Then after the shower I remember another nurse popping in while the midwife was waiting her back up, and this nurse said...don't make noise because your throat will hurt tomorrow. (I wasn't thinking of my throat at the time). I felt that I was a failure at labor because I was making noise. Then when I thought I couldn't handle the pain any more my water broke.....wow. I also remember pooping during labor and feeling dirty about that. Then after two plus hours of pushing my midwife (who is not pro episiotomy) offered me one due to very very tight tissues. I accepted. Then when dd was born they handed her to me and I didn't feel warm and fuzzy but instead.....numb and in shock. The midwife had to latch her on, I was too out of it to try. Then the stitches (I had no freezing) I felt every one. It was a burning pain with the pulling after. It took forever. Then I went to my room (I stayed in hospital for 12 hours after). And I have more negative feelings about the stay too.......but that is another post.......

Thanks for listening

[WendyC]

The hospital is a terrible place to go through such a private moment. I am sorry you had so many intrusions into your privacy. And getting stitches without pain medication is just horrendous. What a nightmare.

Before going into labor - what was your expectation on what it would be like? How did the reality compare to what you were told or what you had imagined. Usually the source of great disappointment is an unfullfillment of expectations. I personally think that some childbirth classes don't validate the real experience of labor and all the variations of normal.

[rmzbm]

I understand. I am not even ready to TTC #5 yet...SOON!...and I am now JUST getting over the labor of #1! Keep talking & working through it, it's the only way.

[laohaire]

I don't have long to post, but I wanted to say I understood your feelings. I think you are very justified to feel the way you do. Some of it was just what it was - sounded like a fast and intense labor, and that's a lot for almost all women who experience it to handle. But a lot of it seemed like it could have been better if you had been at home - you wouldn't have had the embarrassment of someone you are acquainted with being there during such an intimate time for you, nobody would have made you feel bad for vocalizing (I think most, but not all, women vocalize... it's a good thing... I can't IMAGINE how I would have gone through it if I had to keep a lid on it), and a few interventions that could have been avoided (such as the heplock).

Pooping during pushing happens in virtually all deliveries... heck, I would think if you WEREN'T pooping, you either just really had no poop, or weren't pushing effectively. A lot of women feel odd about it, though, so you're not the only one. I think it's really too bad, though, that so many women are so horrified by it. Being at home wouldn't have prevented any poop, but it might have made you feel more comfortable (since only the people you want to be there, would be there).

Anyway, I don't have long to type, but wanted to share those thoughts.

[babsbob]

You might feel more comfortable at home - by yourself. I labored by myself most of the day and it was great. Then I was ready to push by the time the midwives got there. By that point, I was in "laborland" in my brain stem and didn't care that I pooped or ended up naked. Your body is in control when you are laboring from your brain stem - not your conciensce mind. I don't think this would have bothered you so much but it sounds like you were never allowed to get to this state because of the intense contractions and all the people coming and going during your labor. I'm sorry it was so hard on you and I hope you can overcome your fears and disappointments. You could always try a homebirth and then if you have an intense labor again and want an epidural - you could transfer to the hospital. But it would be good to try something different this time around and see if it's better.

[Emmom]

I'm still working through negative feelings about my labor in January 05... it takes time. Remember that no one can dictate how you should feel about your own laboring/birthing experience--let yourself feel the disappointment, embarrassment, anger, pain, whatever comes to you.
What occurred to me reading your post is that even if you do end up having #2 in a hospital, it might be better to find a different hospital if that's feasible for your situation. Having to keep your "social" face on in front of coworkers must make it nearly impossible to do what's necessary to give birth--to lose control--or, rather, to release it.

[CJ 5]

I feel for your situation. I had a very positive birth in the hospital and yet still am processing the lack of privacy and the intruding way everyone was. I have decided to go to a very pro natural birth center this time. BTW I had an epidural towards the middle of my labor and it still didn't take away my annoyance at having the procedures be part of one of the most intimate moments of my life. I challenge anyone to make a baby in the kind of environment that they expect you to have one.

[ldsapmom]

I, too, think much of this could be avoided at home, if you feel comfortable with that option. In your own space, without gawking on-lookers, or professionals judging your performance, you might be surprised by how well labor progresses.

One thing to remember: No two labors are ever the same. The odds are already in your favor for a shorter labor/easier birth because you have already had a baby "pave the way." It sounds like, to me, much of the disappoint came at the hands of others, and that could certainly go hand-in-hand with how your labor progressed -- even though it was strong before you left your home.

If you do opt for another hospital birth, maybe you should read up on pain medications and know that is a real option for you.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

With my first I had those back to back ctx with no break in between. I remember how overwhelming that was, and I remember thinking over and over how they never said anything about this in the books I had read (and I read dozens) My whole 12 hour labor was like that. I was numb as well when dd was born no warm fuzzies, just happy that it was over. My dr also tried to stitch me without numbing and I made him stop and give me the lidocain shot. : I cant even imagine dealing with more than the one stab I felt :

The good news is with #2 my labor was like the books described ctx 3-5 min apart with a nice break in between. I actaully smiled during it thinking now this is much better. It was a huge relief to know that I was gonna get a break between unlike with #1 were there was just dread.

[Emmeline II]

Originally Posted by momtoS

I have very negative feelings about labor. It is not what I thought, I was not as in control as I like to be. My midwife told me in my first visit (this time) that I had an amazing birth and wondered if I was interested in a home birth this time. I love my midwife but I am thinking of pain meds this time, and I really feel negative about the whole experience....alot of negative, fear and sadness......how do I deal with these feelings?

My impression is that pain meds won't "fix" all that was "wrong" with your prior birth; back to back contractions were only part of the problem. I would discuss your negative impressions of your birth with your mw and if she still says "but you had an amazing birth" just because it was med free, find another.

[momtoS]

Thanks for everyone's kind words. Tonight I am having that freaked out feeling again. I am going to the midwifes and will tell her some of my feelings. She felt that I had an amazing birth, also I remember her saying I was a very determined women ( I pushed for over 2 hours....)

[kathan12904]

You are an amazing woman!!
I'm not suprised that you have trauma from that birth. As a doula I can't even begin to encompass all the things that are wrong with that scenario. IV poking during late labor? Random lab assistant being present, let alone giving her unwanted opinion? Nurse telling you not to make noise? The problem definately was not with you, MomtoS, it was with your attendants and environment. If you made it through without pain meds the first time, then you know you can do it again. Why not opt for the homebirth? All the factors I just listed will automatically be removed by that, and you will probably feel much more comfortable surrounded by a comfortable atmosphere. Birth trauma takes a long time to work through, and if you ignore it, it will not go away. It took me over a year to feel right again after a marvelous, smooth labor ended up in surgery. I'm avoiding the hospital like the plague with this next birth (only 3 mos to go) and I suggest you do the same.

[erin_brycesmom]

I'm so sorry mama! Did you have a doula the first time around? My first birth was extremely painful and eventually about 15 hours into it, I did get the epidural (after having stadol right before) and even still, I experience tremendous pain after that point (the epi didn't work all the way). Anywho, having a doula the 2nd time around made a world of difference. My drug free labor was almost pain free. I got a glimpse of that horrific pain again with that labor but my doula helped me by seeing where I was holding tension and as soon as I would release it, the pain would go away. I needed her to do this with every single contraction. If she were my MW whe would have had to also perform MW duties, but having a doula who was able to do this for me every single conraction made it a very pleasureable experience.

Also, I hope I don't get flamed for this : , but I think that given your circumstance, getting an epidural is a reasonable option. I'm a huge advocate of NCB and homebirth, but I think if you have trauma from a previous birth, nobody will look down on you for choosing pain medication. of course, i realy think if you hire a doula and have a homebirth with a better MW (sorry, I just can't get past the episiotomy) then you would have a much better experince with much less pain.

~Erin

[vanessab23]

I could have written your post mama. or at least most of it. I am not pregnant, but when I do I know I will have a lot to work through

like pp's said, talk or write it out as many times as you need to.

this too shall pass....