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X's new girlfriend (need advice/personal experience stories)

Poll Results: (After reading my story below...) do you think I should

 
  • 29% (12)
    Stand firm (insist on meeting new g/f before DS does)
  • 70% (29)
    Back down
41 Total Votes  
post #1 of 23
Thread Starter 
Hey everyone.

This post has two parts to it. I'm going to start with the first part; get your answers, opinions and stories; and then post the second part. So, if you respond or are observing this; you'll want to bookmark it.

-----------------------------------------

PART ONE:

I made it perfectly clear to my X that when he got into a new relationship; that I wanted to meet his new girlfriend and get to know a bit about her before my son meets her (want to know what her longterm intentions are with X; what kind of person she is; her experience with kids; her receptiveness to me; etc.)

His response was basically that he was never going to be in a relationship again (..which I obviously didn't believe; but even more so, I later found out that he was already in the early stages of a relationship when he said this!) and that even if he did get involved with someone that he'd wait at least a year into it before even considering introducing her to DS so it didn't confuse him.

Fastforward about 6 months; and he's taking me to court for visitation rights (I wasn't stopping him from seeing DS...but that's a whole other thread!) and we end up in mediation. I agree to put alternate weekends back into place as long as X is consistent in seeing DS and keeps current on his life, and is civil to me.

I also define clearly again that I want to meet his new girlfriend before DS does and he tells me she doesn't like me and won't meet with me (I've only met her once, briefly in my driveway where all we exchanged was a quick hello/who are you?/nice to meet you...so I'm fairly certain that he's lying about this too). From what I saw, she seems like a nice person, BUT; from what I'm hearing (from someone in his family) is that she speaks very negatively of me (probably because X lies about me...hence the whole court for visitation thing). X agree's in the mediation room that he won't introduce DS to her until we meet again for mediation and we'll further discuss this topic then.

I should also mention too that he won't answer ANY of my questions about her (small things like "what's her name again?") because it's "none of my business". I should also mention that I am in no way jealous of new girlfriend; nor do I want X back (I've very much moved on and am very happy with my 'new' S/O). So, this has nothing to do with me trying to control his life in any way; I just want to know who's around and influencing my child. I should also mention that we've given X many chances and opportunities to get to know my S/O; and even S/O encourages X to be part of our family for DS's sake.


My question is this: is it reasonable or unreasonable to make that 'demand' (meet new girlfriend before DS does)? I don't trust X as far as I can throw him (for above reason and a whole lot more); and I certainly don't trust his judgement and intuition. In your opinion and/or experience; should I stand firm on this; or should I back off and let whatever happens; happen (in regard to this matter)?


****SECOND PART TO THIS POST ON PAGE TWO. PLEASE READ BEFORE REPLYING.




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post #2 of 23
Well, here's the thing...even if you get it into an agreement, what happens if he doesn't do it? Then you have an instant conflict. And most likely, if he's not being very forthright with you, that would just happen regardless of what he says in mediation. So then what would you do, take him to court? It would be a pretty moot point by then. Also, did your ex meet your S/O before your child did?

I think in an ideal world you would meet with your ex's new girlfriend, but obviously this world isn't ideal. I'd suggest picking your battles...
post #3 of 23
Thread Starter 
My new S/O has been a friend of mine for many years; and I knew him much longer than I've known X. When X met S/O; we were still just friends.

Also, when S/O and I decided to be together, I very strongly encouraged X to spend some time around us so he'd get to know S/O and we could hammer out any problems we had right away (which we started to do; as X had a problem with S/O smoking in front of DS). S/O didn't see the big deal and neither did I, but he agree'd to not smoke while DS was around him because it bothered X.

Oh...btw; S/O wasn't smoking in a house with DS..it was outside. But this still bothered X because he thought that DS would be more encouraged to smoke because S/O was now a role model; so he stopped in compliance with X's wishes.
post #4 of 23
I truly sympathize with your situation. It just feels like one of those situations where you are trying to control another person's actions. And you can't of course, you can only control yourself.

I think it's great that your SO was able to talk with your X, what an amazingly mature approach you are striving for.

I guess I'm in the school of thought where life is hard and you need to work with what is in your control. As long as your ds is safe with X, there's not much you can demand from X.

Kids are pretty resiliant and soon he will be old enough for you to talk him through tougher emotional mindfields regarding his dad.
post #5 of 23
I think it's pretty low of your X to agree to one thing in mediation and then turn around and do another as soon as he's outside. How on earth can you trust him to be responsible around DS if he won't keep his promises (put in writing, with an official witness) to you?
post #6 of 23
I think it would be a basic issue of consideration and respect for him to have you meet his girlfriend, Even if you didn't like her or approve of her, there's not much you can do about keeping her away from your Dc during his visitation (unless it's taken to court, and then you would need very extreme evidence of drug use or physical abuse or something). But nevertheless it would just be decent of your ex to encourage you 2 to meet! I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
post #7 of 23
Should you be able to "demand" to meet the new SO first?

I don't think so.

I wrote a whole lot, but no I don't think you can control all the details when you let your kids go for visitation.

To sum it up- I don't think any demands will help you get what you really want- a friendly relationship with ex.

Maybe try a barbeque instead
post #8 of 23
Just wanted to chime in with my experience...

When my now dh and I started dating, I casually mentioned it to x (he knew dh). When I knew things were getting serious and I wanted ds to meet my (now) dh, I asked x how he felt about it and let him know that I was serious with dh and I wanted him to understand, yadda, yadda, yadda. He was fine with dh and ds meeting untill he realised we (dh and I) were serious. He got mad and did not want ds to be around dh anymore (a little late for that).

Anyway, I told x that I would like the same respect when it came time for him to get a serious gf. Of course he didn't. I did not find out he had a gf untill ds came home and announced he spent the night at N's house.

You can ask all you want, but x will do whatever he wants. At least that was my experience.

Good Luck.
post #9 of 23
I personally would back down...the more you push, the less informed you *may* end up...from my experiance my ex dated multiple women (who he met via the internet) and I met only a couple of them. And he exposed ds to as many of them as were around. He used pics of ds on his profiles to help *attract*(or imho trap) these women to meet him (I'm a dedicated father...blah blah blah). The one I really remember was 20 years old and looked at me like I was the devil. She tried to grab my ds before I got to say goodbye...(I have a good 10 years, 6", and 20 lbs on her)...I was just like, are you kidding me?
My ex didn't get to meet my SO before ds did...though he knew who he was from a bar we used to go to...and therefore thought I'd been having an affair before we split up (which wasn't the case...SO and I didn't start dating until a year or so after I split w/ ex)
My ex's new wife was cool...at first...he met her on the net...she has a dd...they have purchased a home, gotten married, etc in about 1.5 years...but even my ex MIL (who is wonderful) doesn't think much of her...but that's a whole other thread...
Anyway, we cannot control the actions of our ex's...there are usually pretty good reasons why they are ex's in the first place. If your dc are safe w/ them, leave it be....or you end up looking like the psycho controlling etc that ex's usually describe you (us ) to be...*if* you're lucky, you will have a much more open relationship w/ your ex and his gf's/so's/whatev...and you will be able to co-parent your child in a healthy way...I pray it will be a positive experiance for you...but keep in mind, it may not be...I dunno...but again from my experiance...if the children aren't being harmed, roll with it....
post #10 of 23
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruthla View Post
I think it's pretty low of your X to agree to one thing in mediation and then turn around and do another as soon as he's outside. How on earth can you trust him to be responsible around DS if he won't keep his promises (put in writing, with an official witness) to you?
This is EXACTLY how I see the situation. Among other things, he's even threatened to take me for full custody to get 'what he wants' (even though I wasn't stopping it in the first place); and yet, he can't even meet simple requests that have my son's best interests in mind; and in fact goes out of his way to make sure I know as little as possible about new girlfriend. Makes me REALLY suspicious of what kind of person she really is! (Wouldn't it be more typical to want to show that she's nice and they're happy!?)


Quote:
Originally Posted by meowee View Post
I think it would be a basic issue of consideration and respect for him to have you meet his girlfriend...
That too. This guy lacks a WHOLE lot of respect for me! Truth be told, my problems with X started when I moved on with my life (despite him reassuring me that he was definitly ok with me dating and moving on). When we split, he was still very nice and caring; and had DS's best interest first in mind.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Sugar Magnolia View Post
...Anyway, I told x that I would like the same respect when it came time for him to get a serious gf. Of course he didn't. I did not find out he had a gf untill ds came home and announced he spent the night at N's house...
What the hell is WRONG with people!?!?! : Guess common courtesy goes to sh*t when you start dating again huh? It's far too hard to have respect for your child's mother; right? UGH!
post #11 of 23
I personally applaud you for wanting to know the new girlfriend. I've been trying to get my husband's X to speak to me for over a year and she keeps refusing. I want her to feel comfortable with me before I meet my step son and the first visitation is coming up in less than 2 months. Now, even though she has refused to speak to me she is claiming that I have not told her anything about me and wants me to send something in writting and notarized showing that I am not a danger to her son. I sincerely hope that she isn't going to try to cause problems when we go to pick hubby's son up but I am suspecting more and more she will. It's horrible.

I wish you all the luck in the world. I would want to know who my child was being left with. I mean, I wouldn't even drop my child off at day care without meeting the day care workers or at school without meeting their teacher(s).
post #12 of 23
I have to agree that who he introduces your child to is really none of your business and completely out of your control.

I do understand how difficult it is. I could have written your post a few years ago. My ex dated someone who wanted nothing to do with me, despite my efforts to be kind to her and I was blocked out completely, had no say, felt nervous about her being around them etc. I had to let go of it, trust as best I could and realize there was not a darn thing I could do about it. It does get easier and if you are close with your child, they would tell you if something was really off.

Until then, the more you push, the more you try to be involved, the more they will look at you as the 'crazy ex' and the more they will hide and keep away from you.

If you give them some space, they may come around eventually, or maybe not, but it will help ease some of the tension that is there now.
post #13 of 23
if your child is going to be spending lots of time with ANYONE i think you are completely within your rights to demand to meet them first. especially if theres a chance this person will be left alone with your child. you wouldnt let someone babysit for your kid without meeting them first, would you?
post #14 of 23
To answer to OP's question, I would back down. Think of it this way... so even if you do meet her, what if you don't like her? Are you going to try to forbid him from introducing her to your child? That seems over the line, to me. He is his father, he has at least partial custody or visitation (you are giving in to his wishes to see the boy even more often, so I'm assuming he is a fit parent), so he has a right to introduce his child to anyone he pleases. If you push the issue, it seems to me it will simply create more animosity and resistance from him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruthla View Post
How on earth can you trust him to be responsible around DS if he won't keep his promises (put in writing, with an official witness) to you?
I don't really know the background on this particular situation, but since she is fine with him seeing the child and isn't asserting he is an unfit parent, I think this is a bit of a slippery slope. I think there are PLENTY of people who are perfectly trustworthy with their children, but who would go back on something they said in the context of bitter custody mediations. I understand that trust between the two adults is nonexistent, and I'm not saying going back on his word doesn't stink, but to say he would automatically be untrustworthy of caring for their child seems like a bit of a stretch to me.
post #15 of 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by kwren23 View Post
if your child is going to be spending lots of time with ANYONE i think you are completely within your rights to demand to meet them first. especially if theres a chance this person will be left alone with your child. you wouldnt let someone babysit for your kid without meeting them first, would you?
Yeah, but a babysitter is there with no parent present. In this case, the child's father will be there. And if he leaves the girlfriend alone with the child, that's his judgement call to make.

And FWIW, I don't think it's withing her legal rights at all to demand anything of the sort.
post #16 of 23
Also in regards to leaving a child with an unknown babysitter, well, it could happen. When dss is at his mother's house, she can ask her neighbor to babysit and its not my business. It sucks. Being a parent in a blended family means you get less control over who your child meets and is influenced by. It' s is hard to deal with, but you just have to figure out how to do it. You can't ban the girlfriend, but you can be sure your ds feels comfortable talking to you about any feelings he's having about the situation. As far as the agreement being stated in mediation, it seems to me an odd thing to mediate about. What's the consequence of breaking the agreement? And life happens in a way that we can't fully control. What if she stops by, what if he introduces him to a friend, then they start dating, must you meet his friends, too? etc. It seems to me one of those things you can't control. It isn't respectful of your feelings, but not illegal, either. I think I was engaged to dh before I met the biomom.
post #17 of 23
While you'd technically be justified in insisting on meeting the new gf, it sounds like it's not worth it given that he's being passive aggressive. You've briefly met her, and it seems like that will have to suffice. Besides, even if you didn't like her, you wouldn't be able to do anything about it until a problem actually arose.

I would let it go. He wants to torment you, don't make it easier for him.
post #18 of 23
I'm on the other side of this, and I think it is unfair to imply that most bio dads are scum and liars. I am a step mom and we have had nothing but trouble from bio mom. She has phyical custody, and tells DH nothing about sons life. They end up fighting all the time when DH simply asks questions. She sees it as a threat and that DH is trying to control her life. DH has always been involed in his son's life, and wants only the best for him.

Bottom line, it's a difficult situation no matter what the circumstances. I agree, pick your battles, and know that you can only control your own behavior. At the end of the day, you have to do what you think is best for your children, not yourselves.
post #19 of 23
:
Another person sticking up for bio-dads. I think most people don't think postive thoughts about ex's no matter what the gender.
I say, let it drop. What would/could you do if, after meeting the SO, you don't like her?
What's wrong with getting visitation rights? After DH's ex moved 5hrs away, Dh never went back to court to change the visitation (afraid of upsetting ex and figured they could work it out peacefully). Our visitation are now based on how his ex feels at the moment. In the long run it has caused everyone lots of problems.
post #20 of 23
I'm a step mom too and I definately stand by BD. (I'll get the hang of these terms eventually. lol) He pays his child support and calls his son 3 times a week which is all the BM will allow. He even has to call at his X's mother's house because she won't allow him to call her home. X (who refuses to talk to me) called the DSS office and told them that I haven't given her information about me or my past and the social worker told her he would not allow BD to have the child around me until I supplied her with something notarized explaining my past. That's why it makes me happy to see BMs making the effort to know their child's SM. Of course there are harsh feelings between Xs but that shouldn't stand in the way of the best interest of the child. No child should have to go through feeling totally seperated from one parent while they're with the other. Like it or not, our children learn from our behavior. I think BM and BD should be able to work together to ensure that the child is always in a loving environment when he or she is with either parent. Despite what happened to end their relationship, a child was born who didn't ask to be. That child does need to be taken care of though and the decision to not be with the other BP shouldn't change that. I just think too many people are putting their own feelings and wants above their child's which in my eyes is wrong.
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