Poor parental relationships Support Thread

[Mama Poot]

This thread is for anyone who has a bad relationship with their parent(s). It is hard to deal with the constant criticism, blackmailing, selfishness, and perhaps for some even past or current abuse from the people in our lives who are supposed to love us unconditionally. I want everyone to feel open and safe here. Share, vent, laugh, cry, do anything you need to do.

I guess I will get things started and share a brief description of my experience. My parents divorced before I was 2 years old. My dad didnt see me again until I was 4. My mom blamed all of her problems on him and used that as an excuse to become a bitter, cruel, chronically depressed person. Then she used her problems with depression and dependence on drugs as an excuse to treat me badly. There were many episodes of physical abuse, but the emotional and verbal abuse was a daily part of life. Not too soon after my 18th birthday we had a knock-down, drag-out fist fight and I moved out. This was in 2003. Its almost 07 now, I am married with two beautiful children. I have a good life, I am mostly happy. When I called my mom to tell her how excited I was about being pregnant for the first time, she was less than enthusiastic. When I told her how thrilling it was to get a second chance to give mama milk to my first again ( weaned too early during 2nd preg. ) she gave me a blank look and said "Hmm" When I called to tell her we had finally found a midwife and I was planning the home birth of my dreams, she told me she "didn't agree" with my decision. I stupidly let her attend the birth and she was a total bitch to my midwife. If I dont do something her way, she is cold and unsupportive. She is also passive aggressive. All I wanted was for her to BE A MOM. The kind of mom my friends had. Involved in PTA, involved with Girl Scouts, the house everyone wanted to hang out at. But instead I got someone who didnt want to be in PTA because she thinks things like making cookies for a bake sale is a goody two shoes waste of time, and was always telling me and my friends to play somewhere else and not to give any of my friends a snack when they came over. We had a pool and she told me the only reason anyone wanted to be my friend and come over was so they could use our pool. Actually she said that about everyone- that nobody wanted to be my friend, they were just using me. I have a hard time making friends still today because she taught me not to trust anyone.
I am at a point now where I have decided to end the relationship. Its been like 21 years of a bad marriage, and I'm done.

[Canadianmommax3]

sucks doesn't it?

My parents divorced when i was 2, my mother left me and my brother with our dad. I have to say he is a really nice man, who married a controlling not so nice woman (stepmother). I ran away when i was 16 and haven't lived at home since. I still see them on occasion.
Anyhow my mother lives in france now. She moved to England when i was 14 years old, i wanted to be with her so much! How does a mother walk away from her children???
My dad and stepmother live about a 5 minute drive from us and we see them maybe 4-5 times a year. They have their own children and grandchildren now so it sucks big time.
There is a lot more but that is the jest of it for now

[Autumn Breeze]

Ah, I see now what you meant Ok, I would very much like to join in here. I seem to have issues with both my mother/father and my father/stepmother.

Right now, the source of my greatest pain is with my father and stepmother. Many broken promises. That always hurts. Here is a link about the current issue with them. Which is pretty much on going.

*mother and father divorced when I was 2.
*spent weekends with my father until I was about 8.
*father re-married when I was 6-8 years old.
*moved away with mom, she got remarried.
*father gave up his rights, and I was adopted by my stepfather
*Finally got intouch with my father again when I was 16. Saw him once.
*17 saw him once.
*18, left my home, got married, pregnant, and at 27 weeks, made a visit to their home. Stayed for 4 days.
*19, they came to visit us, stayed at a campsite an hour away for 3 days.
*20, didn't see them, very little phone contact.
*21, same deal
*22, online contact increases, phone contact stops.
*23, called the day after my birthday, hadn't called about the baby. Said they would be in the state, and would call about a visit the following week. Great. No call. No visit.
*24, finally I called them, 1 year and a week or two after the last contact. Said they would be in town from Oct 22-28th. Would call to come visit. It's now the 26th. I haven't heard anything.

My mother, my problem with her is that she's controling and manipulative (but is not very good at it) and I always feel like I could have "done better" by her. She was also a H-U-G-E part in my not knowing my father. She claimed he wasn't worth my time.

*ran away and moved out and got married she "didn't like me very much right now"
*pregnant with ds her only response when I told her was "When"
*pregnant for the "2nd time" "omg, your so stupid"
*when miscarriage seemed immenant..."Maybe your body is just reabsorbing it"
*when I miscarried.....nothing.
*Pregnant again.....nothing. Frequently rolled her eyes, and asked when I'd get some "real prenatal care" when planning our homebirth.

That's mom in a nutshell so to speak.

Hopefully we won't have too many mamas (or papas) who participate in this thread.

[CerridwenLorelei]

don't want to go into it right

now but currently not speaking to mine again
She violated her probation with me and I don't know if she will ever get another chance at the moment...

[Autumn Breeze]

[mirthfulmum]

Wow, so glad I found thid thread. Very timely for me.

For me it's all about my mom. Frankly neither of my parents should've had children in my oppinion, but my dad and I have found our peace and I can now get past all the crap, which is very good. But my mom, it's constant and on going.

She has disowned me twice because I won't baptize my children or let her take them to church. I explained that she can take them when they're older (not 4 and 2, they'll be bored out of their mind) and I explained that we're not Christian so why would we baptize. If the boys want to become Catholic later in life they are free to make that choice. She has told me that my not teaching my children about God (we're humanists) is child abuse. That everytime she visits us it's like a knife in a wound and she dosen't think she can stand it any more. WE were not raised in the church. WE only went on Easter and Christmas. My mom only re-connected with the Catholic church about 5 years ago. And yet she expects me to just go along, 'cause she wants me too.

And that's how it always is, she gets all pissy and mean 'cause I do things differently than her. She's emotionally manipulative, and not above emotional black mail. She does and says things and then denies it. When I was a teen ager she actually said she was concerned about me and that maybe I needed some kind of catscan or something 'cause I kept making things up about her. A huge problem is that she's manic depressive, but won't go on her meds 'cause "the highs are too good". She's also been diagnosed with dissosiative disorder, which explains soooo much.

I'm pregnant agin with our third and I am nervous about telling her. Not because she won't be happy, she'll be thrilled. It's just my pregnancy and births are all about her. Both times she has come down to stay with me for 3 weeks to "help" and wait for the birth. We live in a very small 2 bedroom apartment in downtown Vancouver, there isn't the space for another person to be here for that long. She dosen't care. I'm being selfish by asking her to come after the baby's born and only for a week. I'm being selfish telling her that if she wants to stay for longer she needs to get a hotel room. For both my son's births I ended up just giving in 'cause I couldn't handle the yelling and the emotional beatings I would take. I can already forsee the argument that's comming when this baby's born.

Oh, I could go on and on. But phew, it felt good to unload a bit.

I want a mom who accepts me for who I am. I want a mom who's not going to constantly compare me with my brother. I want a mom who's not going to ask me to score her some pot whenever she's down here (don't even ask how that ties in with her hard core Cathollicism). I want a mom who can take care of herself (she has no savings, is in debt up to her eyeballs and frequnetly tells me that my brother and I are her retirement plan).

[Sonnenwende]

This is by no means exhaustive, just a short overview.

My father I haven't seen since I was weeks away from my 17th birthday. I am now 25. I don't know if he is alive or dead. I don't care. No one has any contact with him. My father had several mental and physical disorders, bipolar depression, epilepsy, severe migranes, etc. The epilepsy was the worst. Instead of your stereotypicial seziure, he would often have ones where he would not know what time it was. Couldn't tell day from night. Thought it was two days ago or twenty years ago. He probably had some other undiagnosed personality disorder. He tried to commit suicide more times than I could count. He almost died after drinking antifreeze, but alas, lived. It is sad that in that attempt, when my stepmom called me from the hospital to tell me that they were performing last rights, I just thought 'I hope he ends up out of his misery.'

He was married to my mom for 11 years, I think, but then they divorced due to his numerous mental problems. Two years later, he married a psychotic woman 17 or 18 years his juinor. She was irrationally jealous. I remember a time when he took me to attend a consuling session and he called him in an insane panic, swearing up and down he was sleeping with my mother right that second. We were still in the center. He gave her to the receptionist. She said it was all an elaborate ruse? Crazy. He couldn't keep any job due to her never being able to stop calling it and accusing him of sleeping with every woman who walked by. My father was nothing to look at and nuts to boot. I don't have any doubt he was not cheating on her. Stepmother also hated my mother with a ridiculous passion. My mother had zero interest in getting back with my father. Less than zero. Paranoid to the max was my stepmother. She also spoiled the crap out of her son and would always *force* my father to choose him over the three of us. I lived with my father for awhile, but stepmother couldn't stand my presence and kicked me out.

My mother is just as insane as my father, though it took a longer time to develop. She is manipulative, controlling, and emotionally draining. She is completely irresponsible with money and has a horrible relationship track record. She is now your classic OCD hoarder. She has a naturally selective memory about the past that erks me to no end. I don't hate my mother as much as I am just disappointed in her. She is everything I don't want to be for myself and I don't respect her.

I think it is really sad that I don't have a good relationship with my parents. Depressing almost, though I know it is better that they are out of my life or as much out of my life as possible.

[boobybunny]

I guess I am joining too


My dad... well my father is an abuser, of all things I think... My mom left me with him when I was five... I took her place.. He is now homeless, broke and ALONE every family member, mine, my father's and my mother's sides, has turned their backs on him for one reason or another.
I am sure there is some mental illness there that has never been treated effectively. I do not hate him, just will not let him anywhere near my family. (I have a daughter to protect)

My mother left when I was five. I lived with her only a couple of years, on again,off again type of parenting. She was never abusive... just had more important things to do than raise or protect me. I will say, she is a stellar part of her community, everyone loves and respects her. She is now VERY wealthy, and she and her husband are politically powerfull..... they have had VP's over for dinner, even when it was not an election year. I love the thought of her, I love her... I just wonder why she does not love me.

I have been told that she "would have aborted me if she had that option." I have been told that I am not welcome at her house. I have done nothing that would justify that statement except finace a new car. She most recently told me that I would have to get over the fact that my newborn son did not like my breastmilk.... He is now two and still nursing strong.

She started to flit in and out of my children's lives, she was a solid GREAT grandmother for a full year, and then disapeared. The last straw for me was when my daughter asked me why grandma mom did not love her anymore....Or maybe the last straw was when she tried to get my cousins involved in this constant battle we have. :




I do not have a good relationship with my parents... they are the two extrems of life. My father is homeless, lives in the streets and parks. My mother owns over 30 properties and gives a various charities millions.

I have tried to live a life of love and STABLITY with my husband and children. But there are times I JUST WANT MY MOMMY. Then I snap out of it, realize that I AM the mommy now. I have a great husband, and a wonderful group of friends that have been there for me since I was 13... I am now in my late 30's. They are my family.

[CerridwenLorelei]

boobybunny

First ((hugs))
Second one of the wisest things I ever heard was "you don't have to be blood to be family"

[jyn]

*nevermind*

[Mighty Jalapeno]

Let's see, mincing words... mincing words...

My dad was a godawful father.

Hmm, that got summed up faster than I would have thought. Ok, I need to fill in some gaps now...

My mom was awesome. She was smart, funny, goofy, and she loved us. She was a SAHM, and she read to both of us constantly, played with us, taught us card games, taught us to cook and taught us not to hate cleaning... she encouraged reading, she sang along to the radio... even today, she's delightfully insane and I love spending time with her when we get to the next province over (she is now an eleven hour drive away).

My dad saw raising a family as an employer / employee relationship: he wasn't there to be our friend, he was there to prepare us for the harsh realities of the real world, and correct any mistakes quickly and firmly. When he actually spent time with us, it was usually without a smile. He'd get mad and yell every Christmas about how greedy we kids were for being so happy to get presents, when other kids never got them. Family vacations were usually excuses for him to get mad at us for completely random things, and as such, me and my sister usually spent car rides reading in silence so he wouldn't have anything to get mad about. It usually worked.

In high school, I was very close to pounding him in the face a few times with his patriarchal platitudes about "Well, it's your life..." then he'd proceed to explain what I was doing wrong, and how I would do better, if only I were a smarter person. I told him this to his face a few years ago, about my fantasies about cracking him in the face, and he just grunted, and said that if it wasn't for him I wouldn't have been the well-adjusted adult I am now (which I am so very, very not).

I love my dad... he's my dad. He was never a father, and I can't really blame him for being a dick for twenty years.. it's just the kind of person he is. He may think he did a good job, but if I try to think back, try HARD, and only come up with things about him that I hate, then maybe he didn't do such a [expletive deleted]-hot job as he thought.

I also feel sick to my stomach everytime I find myself doing what he did, and I do it a lot... I guess we all turn into our parents, and my biggest fear is that DS will feel about me the way I feel about my dad. I don't think he will, because I spend a HELL of a lot more time with my DS, playing games, and just sitting and talking, and being there for him. If at times I act the way my dad did, I hope the times I don't makes up for it.

[mirthfulmum]

Originally Posted by jyn

She's one of those women that if you ever met her, you'd think she was the nicest person ever. But behind the scenes...she's this cluttered mess of a human being. She's emotionally abusive and would never admit it. She is a manipulative, neurotic shell of a woman. If she weren't my mother I would have nothing to do with her.

Yes that is so my mom too!

When my friends first meet her thay tell me how lucky I am to have such a "cool" mom. The as time passes and they see or hear different aspects of our relationship they are stunned at what a crazy person see really is.

The most frustrating thing is that my mom is that my mom works with troubled children and she is so great and kind an patient with them. She gives them so much. I wish that that woman was my mother. I've always wished that the woman she is for her clients was my mother. But she has told me that she deals with other family's crap for a living, she dosen't want to have to work on her family's relationships too. It's just too much.

[twogreencars]

I'm glad I found this thread, too! My mother said she would help organize a baby shower for me, then said she had never said that and sent me a note to say "baby showers were socially beneath her" !!!:

It's always about her - not anybody else. ALWAYS. Even my kids have noticed this. When she called every day when I was overdue with #1 for 2 weeks it drove me MAD! I remember her final call at that point was about one minute AFTER he had been born and she heard his 1st scream. In the same pregnancy, I remember her telling MY midwife that she didn't want "HER" baby (ie. MINE) being born at home. Talk about screwed up and controlling! We don't vax and she is constantly sending me articles about various vaccines, telling me about outbreaks several states away. She had the nerve to ask me whether my MW for the HB this time was experienced!!! C'mon - I've got 4 graduate degrees, work in a demanding profession, tend to over-research EVERYTHING, done 2 HB's already, am way over 35, etc., etc. GEEEEEEEEEEZ...At the moment she's calling several times a day and I'm refusing to speak to her. I know she must mean well, but IT'S DRIVING ME MAD!!!

Let's see - she has temper tantrums at my kid's graduations, refused to come to my junior high graduation b/c I wouldn't invite someone she thought I should. (We just don't invite her these days). She has repeatedly told me that she should never have married my father (husband # 2) and should have stayed with her previous husband. Now how do you think that makes ME feel???? She is constantly obsessed with body size and told me at 38 weeks pregnant that I didn't look "gross" - well, thanks a lot! She is always refering to me as my 17 yr older sister's BIG little sister (my sister is tiny and has had eating issues - I'm "normal" sized). She is constantly saying that my DD's body is so beautiful...so athletic... And I could go on. I could go on and on and on...

What I've finally realized is she does everything on HER OWN TERMS ...something I'm trying to get my nuclear family NOT to do. Best to do things for others that THEY want - not what YOU want...

Still - she's getting on (over 80) and I think it really is too late for her to change...Anyone have any tips on acceptance and dealing with this??? I would like to have a relationship with her, and I know she'll never be a normal mom - but....

[Imogen]

I mentally divorced my Mother 3 years ago when I became pregnant with my son. Until recently I had considered this 'divorce' final and that the relationship was beyond repair. However, a couple of months ago after a nasty falling out with a friend which I was completely responsible for I came to realise that despite 'divorcing' myself from my Mum, I still had ongoing issues that I needed to deal with.

Basically, I am a kind, compassionate, thoughtful and intelligent person, yet the damaged part of me can be incredibly cruel and hurtful towards people that I love. SO, it became my goal to focus upon my 'damage' and repair it. Part of that repair has been the conscious decision to accept my Mother and her failings, to basically accept her humanity. She let me down terribly, but feeling resentment towards her is more damaging to me than it is to her in the long term. Secondly, I have also made an effort to focus upon the positive and nourishing relationships that I have experienced in my life. That while my Mother struggled to love her children, my Father did not. And I am blessed as a consequence of that love.

However, while I maybe more accepting of my Mother's humanity, at this point in time I am not yet ready to rebuild a relationship with her. I'm hoping that I will at some point

[boobjuice]

yup, ongoing issues, will continue to heal, my whole life probably.

i didn't divorce my parents though, i actually grieved their lose and buried them: it's been over 10 yrs now.

i'm open if they seek me out, but only for healing and counseling, no pretend shallow relationship, not going to waste anymore time pining for something that won't come.

big hugs to everyone whose parents sucked are still suck. it can be really tough. i want to belive i practice unconditional love, need more practice.

[Mama Poot]

Originally Posted by boobjuice

it can be really tough. i want to belive i practice unconditional love, need more practice.

You cannot love someone unconditionally who doesn't reciprocate it back to you. Everything with my mom has conditions. I cant even accept clothing she sends for her grandchildren without fretting about what strings are attached to them. On a random, semi-related thought, I've always disagreed with the biblical commandment to honor your mother and father. What if your father was a drunken, abusive idiot who molested you? What if your mother did the bare minimum raising you and hardly wanted anything to do with you? Are those people worthy of being honored? Not in my book. Same thing with forgiveness. That's nice if God forgives everyone. I'm not God. I am not able to forgive everyone and everything they've done. However, I CAN forgive and forget.

[Autumn Breeze]

: to all of you here!

I finally "got the phone call" yesterday. I left my house at about 11 am to go to Target and get a hair cut. I had my cell phone with me, as always.

I had given my step mom my cell number incase I wasn't home. I hadn't been gone 20 minutes when dh called me to say that a "South Carolina cell phone just called you" I asked if they left a message, he said he didnt know, he didn't check. (So I tred to call from my cell and check what number/ what message it was but it didn't work, and of course, my text messaging still wasn't working on my phone....but it is now )

Anyway, so I get my hair cut, and I get through Target. I kept knowing it was my stepmother who called, and kept hoping they weren't trying to come see us that day ect....

I got home, and practially jumped for the phone, checked the message. I wish so badly I could give you all a link to hear it.

Basically, they were supposed to call on the 22nd. They were "in town" from the 22nd through the 28th. The message said

"We meant to call you yesterday to tell you we weren't going to make it this trip. But we're going to work on finding a hotel near by you and spending a long weekend there. I do apologize for not calling you sooner, but it was raining real bad, and we felt like it wasn't safe to be on the road. I really wanted to see the grandchildren. Anyway, I'll call you later, or you can call me we love you bye"

Ok. First off, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and most of Wednesday were BEAUTIFUL and SUNNY. It didn't start raining (here) until Wednesday afternoon!!!!

What was the problem with calling BEFORE THEN?!

[teastaigh]

I'm ashamed of my mom and how badly she treats me and my
husband and my children.

I love her because she's my mom.

I go see her or call only when it would cause me too much
guilt not to do so. I minimize her impact on me as much as
I can. I'm very sad and depressed anytime I talk to her or
see her. She's very cutting and passive aggressive and unloving.

My mom has never once shared anything good about me --
a childhood memory, nothing.

My mom adores my sister and glows about her and her children
all the time.

My dad was a sweetheart. He died 4 years ago. My extended
family died with him.

My own little family is very warm and happy. We have specialness
and love everyday. My husband is the involved father of both of
our dreams. We're writing the history of our own family. It's a good
one so far. I love being a mom and homeschooling and playing with
my children and reading to them.

My mom read one book to my sisters and I when I was a child.
I've never forgotten that. She's extrememly domestically talented
and intelligent. She's also mean.

My husband's family is gone. They hated him and wished him dead.
It was essentially jealousy. He is very strong and peaceful. I am
so proud of the husband, father, friend, and person that he is.
Any time something small irks me, I see the little boy inside of him
and just wish I could zoom back in time to make up for all of the
past hurts.

I have dark imaginings at night and worry that my children, as adults,
will dread me as I do my mom. I think of her and want to cry. I'm
ashamed of what a pathetic grandmother she is. I hope to change that
part of our family's history someday too.

peace,
teastaigh

[boobjuice]

perhaps i don't know what unconditionally love is. i unconditionally love people i have never met, for example the children dying of "AIDs" in Africa.

as far as 'obey thy mother and father', sure when you are a kid and you have little choice, but when you get old enough you should leave abusive relationships behind, even your parents if it is destroying you.

i forgave and forgot too.

[Tapioca]

Originally Posted by Mama Poot

You cannot love someone unconditionally who doesn't reciprocate it back to you. Everything with my mom has conditions. I cant even accept clothing she sends for her grandchildren without fretting about what strings are attached to them. On a random, semi-related thought, I've always disagreed with the biblical commandment to honor your mother and father. What if your father was a drunken, abusive idiot who molested you? What if your mother did the bare minimum raising you and hardly wanted anything to do with you? Are those people worthy of being honored? Not in my book. Same thing with forgiveness. That's nice if God forgives everyone. I'm not God. I am not able to forgive everyone and everything they've done. However, I CAN forgive and forget.

I hear you.